Armadillo faces fresh calamity as rats overrun stricken town
By Jose Chavez
As though the Almighty had not already dealt the unfortunate people of Armadillo a sufficiently miserable hand, a fresh calamity appears to be taking hold of the beleaguered settlement, where travelers report an alarming increase in the number of rats roaming its dusty streets. For decades, Armadillo has endured one mysterious illness after another, its citizens suffering through bouts of sickness that have emptied homes, shuttered businesses, and filled graves with frightening regularity. Yet despite these dreadful circumstances, a stubborn population remains, refusing to abandon the town they have long called home. Now, according to several cowpokes passing through the settlement, rats have begun appearing in considerable numbers, scurrying beneath porches, gathering around refuse, and making themselves comfortable in buildings whose human occupants have either perished or departed. Curiously, the rodents appear entirely unaffected by the ailments that have so mercilessly afflicted Armadillo’s inhabitants, and their numbers reportedly multiply with each passing week. One traveler remarked that he had observed more rats than townsfolk during his brief visit, while another expressed concern that the creatures may soon outnumber every living soul in the settlement. Sheriff Palmer, already burdened with maintaining order in a town beset by seemingly endless misfortune, now faces the peculiar prospect of presiding over a community increasingly occupied by vermin. For the steadfast citizens of Armadillo, however, the question grows more troubling by the day: after surviving decades of pestilence, must they now surrender their homes to an army of rats?

Daredevil meets gruesome end attempting to conquer Donner Falls in a barrel
By Caylen V. Hornby
A most dreadful spectacle unfolded at Donner Falls this week when a man of questionable judgment attempted to accomplish the extraordinary feat previously promised by the celebrated daredevil Desirée LaFlamme, only to discover, at the very last moment, that certain ambitions are better left unfulfilled. The unfortunate adventurer, identified as Edgar H. Wetherby, had publicly declared his intention to descend the mighty waterfall inside a wooden barrel, thereby beating Miss LaFlamme to the accomplishment she has so boldly advertised in the pages of this very newspaper. Though numerous observers had warned that such a descent would almost certainly result in death, Wetherby remained steadfast in his determination, assembling a party of several dozen curious spectators who accompanied him to the river above the falls. Having procured what witnesses described as an exceptionally sturdy barrel, the aspiring daredevil climbed inside, secured himself within its wooden confines, and permitted the vessel to roll into the rushing waters. His confidence, however, appears to have deserted him almost immediately. Witnesses reported hearing frantic cries emanating from the barrel as the current carried it downstream, with Wetherby desperately pleading for someone to halt his journey before reaching the precipice. Alas, the river proved entirely indifferent to his change of heart. Within moments, the barrel disappeared over the tremendous drop, plunging toward the rocks below, where it struck with such catastrophic force that one horrified spectator described the impact as “destroying both the barrel and his body!” Those who ventured near the base of the falls afterward confirmed that Wetherby had perished instantly, his remains presenting a spectacle too ghastly for detailed publication. The tragedy has cast a grim shadow over the forthcoming attempt by Miss LaFlamme, whose advertised determination to conquer Donner Falls now appears more alarming than admirable.

Forager found mauled to death in Tall Trees, bear suspected
By Odell Clifton
A gruesome discovery in the dense wilderness of Tall Trees has left local authorities with the unpleasant task of identifying a man whose remains were found so terribly mutilated that even his closest relations might struggle to recognize him. The unfortunate fellow was discovered earlier this week by travelers passing through the wooded country, who reported that his body bore numerous deep slashes, savage bite wounds, and extensive mauling consistent with an attack by a large grizzly bear. A search of the immediate surroundings revealed a discarded bag containing various plants and herbs, leading investigators to believe the deceased had been gathering wild vegetation when he encountered the beast. Tracks and disturbed earth nearby suggested that the man had attempted to flee, leading his pursuer on a brief but desperate chase through the timber before the animal overtook him. Judging by the condition of the remains, those familiar with the habits of the region’s bears believe the encounter ended with dreadful swiftness. Authorities have thus far been unable to establish the victim’s identity, explaining that the extensive injuries have rendered ordinary identification next to impossible, while no personal effects sufficient to establish his name were recovered. Whether the man was a local herbalist, a wandering naturalist, or simply an unfortunate traveler seeking useful plants remains unknown.

Cowpoke takes unexpected flight aboard hot air balloon
By Donna Deshner
A most peculiar account has reached this publication concerning a cowpoke who claims to have taken an involuntary journey through the heavens aboard a strange flying contraption discovered near the burned out settlement of Limpany. According to the gentleman, he was traveling through the country when he happened upon an enormous, round object unlike anything he had witnessed in all his years, beneath which hung a curious basket large enough to accommodate a man. Upon climbing into the basket to investigate, the contraption suddenly began ascending, carrying its astonished passenger high above the Heartlands. With no reins to pull, rudder to turn, nor any apparent means of directing the infernal machine, the unfortunate fellow found himself entirely at the mercy of the winds, which tossed him this way and that as the countryside dwindled beneath his boots.

Despite his considerable alarm, the cowpoke recalled the extraordinary spectacle of birds soaring alongside him, their wings beating freely through the open air while he remained a helpless prisoner of his floating basket. For what must have seemed an eternity, the mysterious vessel drifted southward, crossing rivers, fields, and forests before finally descending into the warmer country of Lemoyne, where its passenger returned to solid ground without injury. Though where the flying vehicle came from remains a mystery, its nature does not. Based on the description it was likely what is called a hot air balloon, which uses the principles of thermodynamics. This does not, however, resolve the mystery as to why a cowpoke would climb into something they could not identify.

The Grey Cowboy returns! Mysterious vigilante delivers six outlaws to Saint Denis police
By Emeline Vickroy
The mysterious figure known throughout the Five States as the Grey Cowboy has apparently returned, making a most extraordinary appearance in Saint Denis that left policemen and ordinary citizens alike staring in astonishment. Witnesses reported that a man dressed entirely in grey, with a mask concealing part of his face, calmly entered the city aboard a peculiar steel wagon drawn by a muscular, dark grey horse. Recognition spread quickly through the streets, with startled whispers of the Grey Cowboy passing from one onlooker to another until a considerable procession of curious citizens had gathered to follow the unusual visitor. Paying little attention to the growing crowd, the masked rider proceeded directly toward the Saint Denis police station, where he brought his wagon to a halt and unloaded six men onto the street, each bound securely and apparently incapable of offering resistance.

The prisoners were identified by those present as outlaws, though their names, alleged crimes, and the circumstances of their capture have yet to be established. Several policemen watched in bewilderment as the Grey Cowboy completed his peculiar delivery, offering no public explanation nor taking any payment in return. His powerful grey horse then pulled the steel wagon beyond the city streets, leaving behind six captives and a great many unanswered questions. The incident has renewed considerable public interest in the elusive vigilante, whose reputation has long inspired both admiration and apprehension among those familiar with his exploits. Of particular interest to authorities is the apparent change in his methods, for rather than dispensing punishment himself, the Grey Cowboy has seemingly elected to surrender his quarry to the proper officers of the law. Whether this marks a permanent departure from his former conduct or merely an unusual exception remains to be seen.

Previous Issue