Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
The Fool Killer?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
Last week’s bizarre discovery of an old diving bell with human remains found inside has continued to captivate people in Saint-Denis. It’s practically all anyone talks about, from the trolleys to the parks. Yet even with seven days removed from its discovery, precious little has been learned.
No name has been given to the remains found inside, barely even a hint as to who they once were. Historians going through archives believe the diving bell was being used as a makeshift submarine. Records exist for a device called Fool Killer, meant to easily traverse waterways while under the waves. The design looks strikingly similar to the bell-shaped creation in the Lannahechee. But there’s no filing date, and we cannot be sure if it was even built, let alone who built it. Local police admit they are too busy with more pressing crimes to look into what has already been written up as a freak accident.
All’s well; that’s probably the case. It sank, and the operator died, either quickly or slowly. If it is the Fool Killer, then its name was apt. There is no sign of foul play, not that we could probably tell after all this time, and the device was slowly covered up by Mother Nature. Perhaps sometimes, the answers are nowhere near as interesting as the mystery.
A saloon scuffle ends before the law arrives
By Jose Chavez
A brief but decisive fight inside the Tumbleweed Saloon ended before deputies could arrive after an intoxicated man reportedly attacked a woman who had been minding her own business. Witnesses told The Five States Herald the confrontation lasted only moments, with the woman dropping the drunkard after landing two well placed punches. “She didn’t hesitate,” one patron recalled. “Two clean shots and he was on the floor. That was the end of it.”
Deputies responded after a resident ran to report the alleged assault, only to find the matter already settled. “A resident ran to me and said a woman was being attacked,” one deputy said. “So I went to the saloon to investigate and found the woman handled it fine herself.” After speaking with those involved and several witnesses, lawmen determined no charges would be filed, and the evening resumed with little more than another story for Tumbleweed Saloon’s regulars to tell.
Cowpoke survives the cold Ambarino weather in noting but their long johns!
By Delphia Atwood
Few sensible folks would volunteer to spend a full day and night in Ambarino wearing nothing but long johns, but one determined cowpoke did exactly that, emerging 24 hours later to claim victory over the mountain cold. The self-imposed challenge, the cowpoke explained, was born from a desire to “prove I could be the best at something.” According to the participant, survival depended upon a supply of seasoned big game meat packed before the journey and a specially prepared tonic that, in the cowpoke’s words, “steels the drinker to the cold.” Though some frontiersmen remain skeptical of the feat, no one disputes that the challenger walked out of the snow under their own power, having endured one of the harshest climates in the Five States.
Visitor stops assault on Blackwater police station
By Odell Clifton
An assault on the Blackwater Police Station ended with the death of the attacker after an unexpected visitor helped halt the chaos. Authorities say a man stormed the station this week and caught officers off guard, relying largely on his fists to overwhelm several lawmen before turning his attention to a cowpoke who had been touring the station, admiring its architecture, and taking photographs. Witnesses said the visitor blocked the attack, landed a solid punch that staggered the assailant, and sent him running from the building.
The attacker had only made it a short distance before the photographer drew a revolver and fired, striking the fleeing man in the back and killing him. Officers who reviewed the incident determined the shooting fell within the bounds of self-defense, citing the attacker’s violent assault on both lawmen and the civilian moments earlier. “Given the totality of the circumstances, this was an open and shut case of self-defense,” a local police lawman told The Five States Herald, adding that no charges will be pursued against the visiting cowpoke.
Another saloon brawl leaves patrons astonished
By Donna Deshner
Smithfield’s Saloon played host to yet another memorable brawl this week after a man reportedly entered the establishment hoping to impress a woman. Witnesses told The Five States Herald that when his advances were rejected, his bruised pride quickly turned to violence. The man began throwing wild punches, but the woman repeatedly dodged each swing before answering with sharp counterpunches that drew cheers from stunned patrons.
The fight escalated when the assailant allegedly grabbed the woman by the throat in an attempt to strangle her. She broke free, however, and continued slipping past his increasingly desperate punches with what one onlooker described as “the footwork of a prizefighter.” As the man realized his fists were getting him nowhere, he drew a pistol, prompting the saloon to erupt in panic. Yet before anyone could react, the woman ducked at the precise instant he fired, the shot passing harmlessly over her head. She seized his wrist and answered with another flurry of punches.
Witnesses said the gunman staggered backward, stepped to one side, clutched his head, and then collapsed unconscious onto the saloon floor. With the danger over, the woman quietly ordered herself a drink, finished it without fanfare, and calmly walked out, leaving behind a room full of patrons still trying to understand what they had just witnessed. No charges had been announced by the time this edition went to press.
Newcomer’s bold attack ends in public humiliation
By Emeline Vickroy
A brazen attack by a newcomer to the Five States ended in embarrassment after the would be gunman failed to land a single shot on a longtime resident in the streets of Saint Denis. Witnesses told The Five States Herald the newcomer fired several rounds in quick succession, each one missing its mark despite the close distance. “It was something to see, I tell you,” one witness remarked. “It’s like that man’s aura sent the bullets scattering around him, or that other guy was a really bad shot.”
According to those present, the veteran cowpoke responded with remarkable composure, calmly walking toward the shooter before firing a single blast from a sawed-off shotgun that dropped the assailant where he stood. When the newcomer regained his feet, the intended victim reportedly finished the encounter not with more gunfire, but with a series of open-handed slaps that left the attacker unconscious in the street. No serious injuries to bystanders were reported, though the incident quickly became the talk of the city.
Authorities reclassify Blackwater Trick Shooter’s death as murder
By Adam Parvey
The death of the famed Blackwater Trick Shooter, initially believed by authorities to have resulted from a lawful duel, is now being investigated as murder following new witness testimony published in The Five States Herald. According to multiple eyewitnesses, the stranger who challenged the performer made it clear before the confrontation that he intended to shoot regardless of whether the Trick Shooter accepted the duel. “This information was not made known to me until I read it in last week’s paper,” Blackwater Chief of Police Oswald Dunbar told The Five States Herald. “So what was thought to be a legal duel is now considered murder.” Blackwater police have since joined the West Elizabeth state police in an active search for the eccentric gunman responsible.
The revelation casts a darker shadow over what many had viewed as the tragic end of a local celebrity. For months, the Blackwater Trick Shooter entertained crowds with astonishing displays of accuracy while quietly refusing every legitimate duel offered to him, always insisting on handling his own revolver without anyone else’s touch. That reputation ended when a flamboyantly dressed stranger, remembered for a brightly colored waistcoat and an unusual mustache curling from only one side of his upper lip, publicly declared, “I’m gonna shoot whether you prepare yourself or not, so best prepare yourself.” Faced with little choice, the Trick Shooter accepted. A single shot felled him before he could even raise his weapon, and witnesses say the killer calmly collected the fallen revolver before disappearing into the crowd. Investigators are urging anyone who recognizes the suspect’s distinctive appearance or knows of his whereabouts to contact Blackwater authorities West Elizabeth state police immediately.
The Five States Herald 