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To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Politician and Historian Finally Fight
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
War may have been finally declared with Spain, but that doesn’t mean old rivalries have been put aside. Senator Thaddeus Waxman, having now fought in Guarma and Cuba, was finally challenged to a fight by his archrival, William “Willy” Wilson. The Rugged Riders hero accepted the challenge, although it wasn’t the outlawed and outdated duel. It was instead, a boxing match. Many saw this as an advantage to Waxman, as he had once been a professional boxer.
The match was set to occur in a field camp in Guarma, many soldiers on duty eagerly anticipated the match. Both combatants weren’t in the best of shape. Waxman’s boxing career had been cut short by an eye injury, and Wilson is well known to suffer from arteriosclerosis. Nevertheless, the burning hatred both men had for each other compelled them to fight regardless. As the match began, taunts of warmonger and traitor were repeatedly thrown by each combatant.
Waxman came out swinging, repeatedly hitting Wilson in the nose, hoping for a quick knockout. But the Princeton professor wasn’t so easily felled, and after a dodge, he started to aim for Waxman’s injured left eye. Blood began to trickle down each of the fighters’ faces, but both sides showed no sign of backing down. Round after round passed with no end in sight. How each man could take so many blows, nobody knows.
It all came to a head in the 13th round. The exhaustion was palpable to anyone watching. They resembled caged animals and not humans. They no longer spoke but rather roared like lions. With what little breath Wilson had, he mocked Waxman’s 14-year-old daughter Eleanor and his dead first wife, Alice. Calling his daughter a saloon girl in training and his late wife a spinster in the ground. That was the last straw. He charged like an angry moose and threw him up against the ropes. He hit him in the chest, throat, and chin with such force that it mimicked the sound of a cannon. It less then a heartbeat it was all over. The polarizing teacher fell headfirst onto the ground and didn’t move.
All the soldiers watching cheered for there war hero and climbed into the ring. After recovering, Wilson is already claiming Waxman cheated and demands a rematch, but few care to hear the opinions of a natural born loser.
BHTC official earns ire of bounty hunters, hanged for causing a nuisance
By Alois Burditt
A group of bounty hunters fought through over a dozen armed men to grab a wanted man alive. However, before they could turn the man in they learned that the bounty had been pulled by a BHTC representative in Tumbleweed. “They didn’t know it, but the man came into my office and said the bounty was no longer valid just minutes after they left,” said Sheriff Freeman. Upon arriving in Tumbleweed with the bounty and learning that they would not be getting paid, the bounty hunters let the target go and hogtied the BHTC representative instead.
The representative was brought up on charges of being a nuisance and then hanged. The BHTC apologized about the incident and promised to look into the issue of representatives going rogue. The bounty hunters were uncompensated, but according to Sheriff Freeman, they seemed to take satisfaction in the representative being hanged.
Moonshiners fight each other and revenue agents at Two Crows
By Wylie Frey
Revenue agents in Armadillo reported a successful raid on an illegal moonshine operation. According to the agents, a local gang was brewing moonshine when a rival attacked them. “We were plotting our move when the other moonshiners showed up,” said the agent. “We let them fight it out among themselves.” The attackers tossed a stick of dynamite, blowing up the still before engaging the defending moonshiners in a prolonged gunfight. Once the attackers started gaining the advantage, the revenue agents struck.
“No sense letting one win and catch their bearings, better to assault them before they know a new enemy has arrived,” the agent explained. The attackers went from victory to defeat in a matter of moments. The revenue agents were not planning on making arrests and so came in with guns blazing, killing half of the attackers in the first wave. All but one of the moonshiners were killed, the other was shot and wounded. They attempted to flee but were captured. He succumbed to his wounds and died before arriving at the Armadillo jail.
Prisoner escape in Grizzlies West
By Caylen V. Hornby
A prisoner being escorted from Grizzlies West to Valentine was freed this week. When the prison escort never arrived, a few Valentine deputies rode off to investigate. The prison escort appeared to have stopped just south of Barrow Lagoon to rest and were assaulted from the north after making camp. A single horse trail arrived at the camp and a single trail left, heading south. The southern trail was deeper, indicating that the horse carried more weight leaving than it did coming. The six lawmen were all dead, killed by wounds that likely came from a pistol. The lock on the prison wagon was shot off. The deputies lost the trail soon after the snow ended.
Man spends hours fishing in Cotorra Springs, swears there used to be fish there
By Jane Duran
A cowpoke claimed to have fished in the Cotorra Springs several times over the past year was stunned to learn fish do not live in the boiling water. “It didn’t look like a place fish could live, but if you cast your rod they’d be there,” they said. Naturalists have claimed this is impossible. The hot springs are too hot for fish to live in. “It would be like, well, fish soup. Do you want fish soup?” said a naturalist I spoke to. All the same, the cowpoke seemed convinced they had fished in the hot springs before. To find an explanation, I turned to the Respawners, who readers of this paper likely remember as the group of folks who think we live in a false world and constantly “respawn” after death.
“Part of the fake world is that, it can be adjusted. And sometimes things don’t translate right, you know? So you get living fish swimming in boiling water,” said Gregoria Haskins, Respawner Avatar. “Most don’t realize it that it’s wrong, but some potential Respawner Avatars do.” She implied that the cowpoke fishing in Cotorra Springs may be like her, aware of the real world but unaware of the full “falsity” of this world. Miss Haskins claims an adjustment was likely made to stop the fish from spawning in the water to better preserve the illusion. Without a better understanding than when I started, I gave up. Whether fish ever lived in Cotorra Springs may be unknown, but none live there now.
Sheriff removes bounty board, chaos ensues
By Daisy Fairman
Sheriff Hanley of Strawberry removed the town’s bounty board in frustration with the mayor issuing bounties for, “just thinkin’ about alcohol.” Sheriff Hanley elaborated, “it just ain’t right to be haulin’ folks to jail for trying to enjoy themselves.” Whatever his reasons, the results were not expected. Several posses of bounty hunters had arrived in Strawberry looking for work only to find out that they could not access legal bounties. “I told them to go settle down, bounties would be back up in time,” Sheriff Hanley said. However, the bounty hunters were not patient. At first the cowpokes were calm, smoking and tipping hats. Eventually a few started twirling their handguns to show off. It is unknown if one of the twirlers accidentally fired off a shot or someone got tired of watching the twirling, but a gun fight broke out between the groups of bounty hunters.
Strawberry residents ran for cover and the roads quickly emptied out. The frustrated folks then turned to throwing firebombs on houses and shooting into the air. “I bet if they had a bar to drink at and play cards at, they wouldn’t have gotten so rowdy,” said Sheriff Hanley. Before the town was burned down, Sheriff Hanley put the bounty board back up. At which point, however, the groups left Strawberry.
Missing Valentine resident mauled by bear
By Emery Cosberry
A Valentine resident went missing early this week and local train station clerk Alden Carruthers hired a private investigator. The missing man was meant to bring in a wagon of goods to trade in Valentine. The investigator managed to track the down the missing man near Cattail Pond, where he discovered the man was killed by a grizzly bear. The bear was nearby still, as the investigator heard the roar of the bear and managed to pull out his rifle in time to kill the beast. Alden was notified via telegram, which the investigator sent from Wallace Station, that the goods were secure and would be brought into Valentine shortly.
However, a different man brought the wagon into Valentine. The investigator was found dead southwest of Valentine, just outside of the town limits. They had been killed by a shotgun shell to the chest. The man who brought in the wagon was paid by Alden anyway. “Afterall, he brought it in and that’s what I was paying for. Don’t matter to me much who brings it in,” Alden explained.
Supplies caravan attacked
By Mathilde Orry
A caravan of goods coming from Emerald Ranch to the Rhodes general store was nearly taken at gun point. However, the Emerald Ranch workers had the foresight to hire a few of shotgun messengers, which ended up saving their lives. “We run goods on this route regularly, don’t always have a shogtunner with us. But I always feel better when we do,” said one of the ranch hands. The caravan had proceeded without trouble for most of the trip. That peace was broken when the caravan passed under the train tracks just south of Ringneck Creek.
“You know, usually having a shotgun messenger is enough to scare ’em off. Not this time,” the ranch hand said. The ambushers began firing on the caravan in waves, keeping the wagons under constant gunfire. The caravan riders fired back and pressed forward anyway. “They had some discipline to keep us under fire, but not the aim to go with it,” one of the escorts explained to me. What the ambushers had not accounted for was a member of the escort to be riding a bit further north on horseback. They rode in when the gunfire started and took the attackers by surprise. That gave the defenders time to focus their shots better, forcing the attackers into cover.
The caravan arrived in Rhodes with no members of the group seriously injured. One of the escorts was grazed, but his thick jacket ensured it did little damage. The wagons had several bullet holes and some of the supplies had been shot, but everything was still in usable (and sell-able) condition.
Rhodes Bank Celebrates Ten Years of No Robberies
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
The citizens of Rhodes take their local bank for granted. This week it was rated as one of the safest banks in the western United States, having gone ten whole years without an incident. The owners of the bank were very pleased, especially when compared to the rival bank in Saint-Denis. That bank recently had a high-profile robbery, and before then, the infamous embezzler Philip Carlier worked with them back in 1896. The Rhodes bank manager, Mr. Albert Cleburne, had this to say about his bank’s good fortune.
“We only serve at the behest of the people. We have collectively over the years earned the trust of countless citizens and even become friends with many. It is become of that dedication, that we have escaped without incident for so long and likely for the foreseeable future.”
Cleburne wasn’t exaggerating; the worst crime committed even close to the bank was loitering, and the occasional disturbing of the peace. To somehow keep a bank going so efficiently, especially with such a public rivalry like the Braithwaite/Gray feud still ongoing, speaks volume. We can only hope that luck doesn’t run out on this fine financial establishment. It would indeed be a shame if some marauder decided to rob the place instead open an account.
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Old Man Jones, the old man down the road
By Nick McCrary
The myth of Old Man Jones appears to be more than one can believe. A man who finds his way into important crossroads in history, Old Man Jones is believed to have been involved on major happenings across the Five States. Though unconfirmed, it is believed he has worked with marshals hunting down the Montez brothers as well as found his way behind the scenes of several robberies. One man who knows Old Man Jones first hand is Marshal Tom Davies, who is the man who brought the Montez brothers down. “I know Jones but that doesn’t mean he works with me or for me. I don’t know where you hear that nonsense. He’s a good man, but he ain’t one of mine,” said Marshal Davies.
A larger part of Old Man Jones’ myth is that he can, for a fee, change your reputation across the Five States. In other words, if you are known as an honorable cowpoke always sacrificing to do the right thing but need to be known as a dastardly desperado in short order, Old Man Jones is the man to see. Likewise, he can turn a devil into a saint by reputation. When I asked Old Man Jones about this, specifically how it is done, he just spoke in riddles. “I’m the man you come to when you need to hidey-hide or when you got to jump and run.” He noticed I was confused and went on without pause, “I take the thunder from the mountain, the lightning from the sky!” I gave into his ramblings and agreed to pay his fee. After which, he waved me away, merely stating if I want want to change my ways again in the future to come see him again.
At first I felt no difference. Perhaps there was a slight coolness in the wind I had not noticed before, but I figured that was just in my head. Also, it was now the evening and so it should be cooler. I arrived in Blackwater where I was staying and I had been notified I had received a telegram. I should tell you, readers, that I have a stellar reputation. I am known for providing original work and protecting my sources. So it was a shock when I had been informed I was being accused of plagiarism and giving up the names of my informants! I had been blacklisted! I regret to inform you this is my last article until I can set this all straight. Perhaps I will need to pay Jones another visit, and another fee.
Former general dead after days of discomfort
By Frederick Vannesse
Former Confederate Brigadier general and Governor of New Austin, Lawrence Sullivan Ross, has died. Ross had joined a hunting expedition along the San Luis River but was forced to return home early after suffering from chills and indigestion. Though he visited doctors, Ross succumbed to his illness and died days later. Doctors who were monitoring Ross said he was in pain for days and likely died of a coronary attack. Ross was 59 years old. New Austin authorities have asked folks to be peaceful as Ross’ funeral ceremonies are sure to draw many former confederates, who to this day are still licking their wounds and often looking for revenge. The New Austin Marshals have pledged to increase the number of marshals in New Austin on the day of Ross’ funeral.
In the middle of Spanish-American War, man sails the globe alone
By Humphrey Harker
Joshua Slocum has made history, though very few have taken notice. Most newspapers are filled with news about the Spanish-American War. While this paper covers the war, we believe it is necessary to focus on other aspects of life as well. Mr. Slocum’s journey across the world was not without danger. He had to modify his original plan of sailing through the Suez Canal when he realized the threat of piracy to a lone sailor. However, Mr. Slocum was still able to complete his journey using an alternate route. He completed his trip without a chronometer, relying on old fashioned dead reckoning instead. And though his boat, the Spray, was slower than modern crafts it was capable of self steering. This enabled Mr. Slocum to rest easily at times. He promises details of his journey will be in his upcoming book, Sailing Alone Around the World.
The Five States Herald 