Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
In response to unresponsive legislatures, petitions pop up all over the Five States
By Frederick Vannesse
For months now, residents of the Five States have demanded that the government take action resolving various problems across the region. These problems include the collapse of animal populations, lack of funding to pay bounty hunters, and long delays when entering the Five States. It has been clear for weeks now that Congress is not interested in the plight of the Five States. Petitions have therefore appeared all over the region that target the state legislatures. “What legislature do we have to speak of?” asked the Governor of Ambarino in response to the petitions. “Does ole Hamish represent himself and nobody else?”
Thousands of residents across the Five States have signed the petitions. The petition does not layout solutions to the problems, only that the problems need to be addressed. “I don’t think it’s our responsibility to fix these problems, so why should we come up with solutions?” said a petition signer. A legislator in the New Hanover State Senate assured residents of New Hanover that their concerns are his number one priority. “Make sure you go to the polls because my opponent does not care about your petition. I do. I signed it,” said the State Senator.
Warren Ives, a State Senator for West Elizabeth is not concerned at all about the petition, or the problems it demands are addressed. “I’m a card carrying Respawner,” Senator Ives said. “We know that we can’t do anything about these problems. Government in this fake world doesn’t do anything more than what the fake world architects tell it to do,” Ives shrugged as he spoke, as if it did not matter that he said his own job was useless. When asked why he would take such a position, he laughed and said, “Well for the shrimp of course.” The Respawners, for those who are not aware, are a group of folks who believe we all live in a false world that most people cannot notice. For them, these petitions may bring about a level of catharsis of the soul, but will ultimately not matter. “The world architects will do things in their own time,” Ives said. “Who knows if they are even aware of these petitions?”
For some, the petitions themselves are a problem even if they support the petitioners’ goals. “It’s a great thing, but do people have to post so many of them?” asked a cowpoke tasked with keeping public posting boards open so others can use them. “These boards are a public resource, they get covered in these petitions and nobody else can post anything. Just post one at a time.” For this cowpoke and those like him who travel to posting boards to keep them organized, the petitioners over-zealousness outweighs their good intentions.
Man survives fall down Monteca Falls, possibly “too drunk to die”
By Wylie Frey
A man washed up on the shore of the San Luis River in Hennigan’s Stead. He was barely alive when a fisherman spotted him. “He smelled of alcohol and didn’t seem aware of where he was,” said the fisherman. The fisherman resumed fishing until the man woke up fully. After eating and drinking some water, the man claimed the last thing he had remembered was swimming above Manteca Falls. He admitted to having a few drinks while he swam, but did not recall actually falling down the waterfall. The man was taken to Blackwater, then to Valentine, where he was examined by the town doctor. The man was deemed healthy, despite several scrapes and bruises he likely picked up on his journey down Manteca Falls.
“The man was obviously drunk when he fell,” said the doctor. “It is known that alcohol gives one the fortitude to survive what one otherwise wouldn’t. Inebriation, however, slows the mind so one does foolish things.” The next day the man rode back to Hennigan’s Stead, New Austin, where lives and works as a ranch hand at the MacFarlane Ranch. Despite the toll the fall took on his body, he was hard at work moving bales of hay before our interview. “Weren’t nothin’. I can’t remember it, so its like it never happened.”
Owner of Rathskeller Fork denies connection to criminals, disavows wanted men holing up at his ranch
By Alois Burditt
Rathskeller Fork has been a frequent hiding place for those wanted by the law. It has led to folks such as Sheriff Sam Freeman believing the owners of the ranch are complicit with these outlaws. “It’s the only way I can make sense of it,” said Sheriff Freeman. “Seems every day a bounty is brought in that was hiding out at Rathskeller.” The ranch owner, however, denies these accusations and claims to be the victim.
“We’re a small operation here,” said the owner, “We don’t have the manpower to stop a dozen armed men from marching into our ranch.” Ranch hands confirm the owners story. They each told similar stories of armed posses strong arming their way onto the ranch. The choice to allow the outlaws temporary resident or to hold their ground is simply the choice between living or dying. “If anything, New Austin Marshals ain’t doing their job. They shouldn’t be allowing outlaws to run rampant,” said one farmhand. The New Austin Marshals refused to comment. Sheriff Freeman made sure it was understood that Rathskeller Fork is not in his jurisdiction. For now, it will remain up to bounty hunters to enforce the law in the area.
Murders in Thieves Landing go ignored by authorities
By Ela Q. Asken
Weeks ago I followed the Smoking Gun killer to Blackwater, where I found that I had been played. The clue that led me to Blackwater was merely misdirection. I arrived only find no clues and to learn via telegram that the Smoking Gun struck elsewhere. I traveled to Emerald Ranch and unearthed no new clues. So, I waited for the Smoking Gun because I had little choice in the matter. After several weeks what I had been waiting for finally happened, he killed again.
A string of murders occurred in Theives Landing over the last two weeks. However, as the area is a known haven for outlaws, authorities choose to not patrol the area. Leaving Thieves Landing to its own devices means the murders were discovered late. In fact, it was not until a well to do gentleman went missing that authorities even noticed several men were already killed.
The total death count is unknown, but witnesses stated a well dressed gentleman with a flat cap had taken up residence for just over a week at the inn. Death in Thieves Landing is not uncommon, so even the residents there had not thought much of it as people went missing. It was not until the series of murders were uncovered and the well dressed man left the area that they noticed something was amiss. Of the confirmed missing persons, three bodies were found including, the wealthy gentleman whose disappearance started the investigation.
Each victim that was found had their hands bound and were killed with a single gunshot to the head. In the room the well dressed gentleman occupied, I found an ashtray with several cigarette butts in it. All of the same style, the kind one finds on a hand rolled cigarette. The well dressed man with a flat cap was almost certainly the Smoking Gun. I found no clues as to where he is going next, but I will be ready when he makes his next move.
Fishing competition frustrates many, winner murdered
By Jane Duran
A fishing competition brought cowpokes from all over the Five States to O’Creagh’s Run in Ambarino. Experienced and novice fishermen and women alike joined in competition. Worms were the live bait of choice, though many cowpokes employed various types of lures. More than one employed a lure designed to attract all types of fish, while others focused on lures that attracted Salmon. Salmon is one of the most sought after fish in the Five States for its succulent meat. For those in the competition, this is but one incentive as they get to keep what they catch. Salmon is also the second largest and one of the most plentiful fish in O’Creagh’s.
Other cowpokes focused on larger muskies. One cowpoke in particular had a strategy that propelled them to victory. Focusing on the shallow south-eastern portion of the lake, this cowpoke caught a muskie, released it, and then caught it again. Then they repeated the cycle. The same fish went after the bait each time, never any wiser but each time a little weaker. The contest rules stipulated that the fish does not have to be kept and it did not preclude the catching of the same fish repeatedly. The judge ruled that since each time the fish was caught it was a unique casting that the fish could be counted more than once.
At the conclusion of the event many cowpokes expressed a dissatisfaction with the results once they learned of the cowpoke’s catch and release and catch again strategy. Their complaints did not sway the final judgement, however frontier justice is always an option in the Five States. At the end of the event a few cowpokes attacked the winner of the and killed them. The killers threw the winning cowpoke’s body into the lake and rode off before anybody could identify them. If you have information on the killers, contact the Annesburg Sheriff.
Cemetery Desecrated!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
The much-beloved Blackwater cemetery was robbed last night, resulting in at least ten graves being defiled and a man being murdered. The caretaker, Norman Dawson, arrived at around seven in the morning to a truly horrific display.
“I could smell something over the horizon long before I reached the gate. The air was heavy with a rotting odor; having served in the war, I already knew what it was.”
For years the Blackwater cemetery had stood as a window to the past, never disturbed… until now. Among the graves defiled included Uriah Sinclair, one of the original pioneers who came to this town after it was founded By Josiah Blackwater. Another was female humorist Delilah Gaskell who passed on in 1891 after fighting with tuberculosis. Her daughter is said to still visit from time to time. Legendary Blackwater entertainer Jonathan Banfield, who passed away from cancer last year, was thankfully not one of the damaged graves.
In the center of this dreadful crime is a yet unidentified man. He was killed roughly the same time the grave robbery happened with a shovel. Part of his jaw was cut off, likely resulting in his death. Local police suspect that he was not a bystander. Police chief Oswald Dunbar is reasonably sure of what happened.
“I believe this man was digging for jewelry, Louisa Frye was buried just yesterday, and she carried a large sapphire ring. Her grave was one of the ten defiled. I think someone came across this grave robber and helped dig up the remains; no one man could dig this fast. Afterward, the assailant turned on the robber and killed them with a shovel before fleeing into the night.”
The identity of the second robber is also as of this time, unknown, although BPD is working hard as we speak. They have so far discovered hair and footprints around the cemetery. The hair appears to be auburn red, and the shoe imprints came from a pair of Hathaway Court Boots. If so, then the assailant was both a woman and fairly wealthy.
Strawberry Mayor arrested
By Daisy Fairman
Mayor Timmins was arrested by federal revenue agents driving a wagon full of illegal moonshine. Mayor Timmins does not deny that he was driving the wagon, nor does he deny that there was moonshine in the wagon. However, he stated that he was doing his part to rid the Five States of alcohol by purchasing moonshine and destroying it. According to Mayor Timmins, this would save lives. The Mayor used Strawberry tax revenue to purchase the moonshine. He was unable to provide specifics regarding the person who sold him the moonshine, other than saying they looked like a normal cowpoke and that Mayor Timmins believed the moonshiner was operating somewhere in Tall Trees. Mayor Timmins was released from federal custody within a day. The moonshine he had taken possession of had been destroyed by the federal agents who were holding him, although there was no evidence of destruction, just empty bottles and groggy revenue agents.
Corsets, exquisite clothing, or dangerous undergarments?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
The corset, one of the most essential pieces of female attire. A mainstay of clothing since French Queen Catherine De’ Medici in the 1500s. But a question of safety has been raised all across the United States. Some say it is a simple undergarment meant to make women look more beautiful. Others say it’s damaging to one’s health and restrict movement to a dangerous degree. For the curious reader, this reporter does wear a custom Isbell corset. Famous Saint-Denis clothing designer Algernon Wasp dismisses all the rumors.
“The corset is a perfectly safe piece of clothing if you use it properly. All these stories of people damaging their stomachs and spines are purely because they didn’t lace it correctly. My corsets are always laced properly, sure as the quality of a little egret.”
Others are fairly certain the clothing is causing adverse effects on the body. The late suffragette Lucrezia Mattea claimed till her dying day that she knew friends whose spines and livers were mangled by there corsets. She further contended that various women have passed out or died from dehydration or accidents caused by the corset. While the science is still out on spinal and liver damage, claims of corset fatalities are sadly correct.
At least three women died in New Austin last year from dehydration; each one claimed they couldn’t breathe before collapsing. An even more high-profile accident occurred in Valentine around 1895 when traveling saleswoman Sybil Hall lost her balance because of a new corset, falling into the path of an oncoming train.
The controversy is likely not to settle down anytime soon. Just as the United States is readying for a war against Spain, so too is the suffragette movement ready to fight corsets. More and more are demanding a ban on the clothing, or at least a safer version. I expect the rivalry to last far into the new century at the rate we are going.
Bounty hunters bring in six targets in Annesburg Sheriff, one dead.
By Van R. Seldon
Bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross and tracker Akanowa brought “The Sisika Six” to justice this week. The six men were wanted for the murder of several Sisika guards. Originally arrested individual for various counts of “fugitive rabble,” the six men came together in prison to plot an escape plan. This escape plan was a success and resulted in the death of half a dozen guards and injuring nearly another dozen. The Sisika Six were believed to be residing in Butcher Creek when the bounty was issued. Cross took the bounty despite having reservations about Butcher Creek. “The folks there don’t take kindly to outsiders and don’t much care for legal writs such as bounties,” said Nathaniel Cross. Nevertheless, he took the bounty after securing assistance from Akanowa. According to Cross, the bounty hunt itself was not a problem. Approaching the group from opposing angles and taking them by surprise ensured that four of the members were wrapped in bolas before the other two could pull out their revolvers.
Cross said that the other two were dealt with quickly and that what few shots they got off were wild and missed the bounty hunters. However, those wild gunshots drew the attention of Butcher Creek residents. “The plan was to take them in quietly. The locals would no doubt see us but so long as we didn’t trouble them they likely wouldn’t trouble us. But those stray shots troubled them,” said Cross. Cross and Akanowa came under fire as they loaded the targets into a bounty wagon. The locals’ shots were just as wild, according to Cross, but a stray shot got one of the bounty targets.
“We left with six living targets, but the bastard bled out before we got to the Annesburg Sheriff’s Office,” admitted Cross. This meant slightly less pay for the bounty hunters. “It’s just the way it goes sometimes,” said Cross. Akanowa hard few words, “He was likely to be hanged anyway.” A depute who refused to be named had an alternate perspective. “Cross just ain’t as good as he thinks, with help or without help. Probably killed the feller when he ran and blamed it on innocent folk defending their land.” Whatever the truth, Cross and Akanowa took their money and rode off.
Unknown object crashes in bayou, collected by the military
By Aloysius Levron
“It came out of the sky and landed just a little south of Lagras,” said one resident. “Jody fell out of his wagon, couldn’t believe what he seen, “said another. “He just laid on the ground and shook. Then ran down to Saint Denis screamin’ ‘it came out of the sky!'” While few saw the crash, many claim to have seen the object in the sky. Many rode into the bayou to observe the unknown object. A scientist who resides in Saint Denis posited that there was no object at all, but that marsh gas from the bayou caused a mass hallucination.
“I don’t know where it came from,” said a man named Spiro, “but you can bet the government is eager to tax who drove it here.” While the Vatican has not officially commented, several Lemoyne Catholics are calling this a sign that their Lord has come. A man who works in the blooming film industry said this event would make an excellent plot for a film. Before anyone else could examine and come up with an explanation for the unknown object that “fell from the sky” the United States Army showed up. The army quickly set up a parameter and pushed others out of the area. “It’s obvious it’s a communist plot,” said many named Ronnie after he was forced out of the crash site. “Those communist are trying to invade the U.S.! That’s why the army had to get involved,” he continued.
None of the members of the army would comment. Jody, the first resident to see the object crash, was disappointed. “I found it, it’s mine. I told those army fellers they can have it for 17 thousand dollars!” The army did not pay anything. The crash site was completely cleaned up before the morning sun rose. By the end of the next day the bayou had retaken the damaged land and it looked like nothing had ever happened. “It’s a good thing the ‘gators are all already dead,” said a Lagras resident, “or else the waters would be full of carcasses right now.”
Are you awakened by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience dread when criminals hide in your basement or attic? Have you or your family ever seen a criminal or crime? If the answer is yes, don’t wait another minute. Get to your nearest telegraph to contact the professionals at the Herald today! Our courteous and efficient staff is ready receive your telegram 24 hours a day! No matter how unbelievable the story, we’re ready to believe you!
Suffragettes use the threat of war to enhance their message
By Adam Parvey
By now it is no surprise that many women are not just asking for the right to vote, but demanding it. Many states have already taken up suffrage bills in an attempt to expand voting rights. An amendment to the Constitution was proposed in 1878, however it has not be voted on. Now suffragettes are pointing to President MacAlister’s calls for war and a Congress that seems willing to give him that war, as a reason to expand the franchise to women. “If these men want to get reelected in a world where women can vote, then they must know they cannot be so eager to go to war,” said a suffragette. The Suffragette Movement has also been connected to calls for prohibition and a return to a purer time.
Wild West exhibition wows Europeans
By Ivy Seager
The expansion west of the United States after the Civil War has amazed all. The speed and efficiency in which American ingenuity drove society into lawless lands has been a curiosity all over the world. Europeans, far removed from the wilds of the American West, have mostly been able to sample the Wild West life through books. However, a new form of entertainment has brought the Wild West across the Atlantic to Europe. The Wild West Exhibition of 1898 promises to display genuine Indians for the curious European to lay their eyes on as well as host a variety of shows such as duels and horse riding tricks. Tickets to the events have sold out all over Europe.
The Five States Herald 