Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Disturbing site discovered in New Hanover
By Adam Parvey
A cowpoke came across a scene so obscene they could not believe their eyes. In the basement of a destroyed home outside of Valentine the cowpoke found dismembered bodies, both human and animal. They stomached the macabre scene for just a moment before running out. “I had a map that said I should be able to find a collectible item when I noticed how far back the basement went. But… I shouldn’t have gone in… I shouldn’t have gone in…” said the cowpoke. Others have reported that the basement was locked shut in the past, indicating it only recently came under use again.
Authorities are slow to initiate an investigation. Sheriff Malloy of Valentine has vowed to keep Valentine residents safe, however, he also stated, “this basement is out of my jurisdiction. You’ll need to take it up with the marshals.” Federal authorities are focused on moonshiners and the bootleggers who move their illegal booze. When asked for comment, Agent Hixon stated, “murder falls under the state’s authority, not mine. Couldn’t do anything if I wanted to, and I do wish I wanted to.” New Hanover State Marshals have disputed claims that the horrifying basement falls in their jurisdiction.
“According to our maps,” said a state marshal, “the house is within Valentine’s jurisdiction. But rest assured, if a crime occurs in our jurisdiction we will investigate it. The buck stops here.” The result of this is a wide open basement of horrors with evidence being tampered with daily. For all anyone knows, the killer could still be using this basement while the local, state, and federal authorities engage in a bureaucratic dance. This inaction has left many residents feeling uneasy. “Kind of scary to think that anyone of us could be interacting with a killer and not know it,” said Edmund Lowry Jr., a Valentine resident. Of course, this is the Five States. When are we not talking to a killer?
Driverless train spotted in New Austin
By Wylie Frey
A train allegedly left Armadillo station without a driver. A fellow rode into Armadillo looking to check the local bounty board when he noticed the train without a driver, but as the train was stationed and not moving the fellow thought nothing of it. “A moment after I passed it, it started moving. I had to take a second look and sure as the Five States is full of annoying bugs, there was no damn driver!” the fellow remarked. As strange as it sounds, this is not the sole report of a driverless train in New Austin. Nor is this some ghost story, as the train is most certainly a physical train that can be interacted with. “I watched a man board a train without a driver just before it took off down at Benedict Station,” another New Austin resident said. Many have assumed this must be the work of some unseen, perhaps even supernatural, force. However, an inventor who has taken residence in the Five States has other ideas.
“Automation, of course! Automation and remote control!” claims Marko Dragic. According to Mr. Dragic, one can rig a device to, “pull the levers for you.” He went on to explain how commands could be sent to the lever pulling device to maintain manual control without the need of wires. He did not explain how this is possible, or at least, not in a way that I or anyone else could understand. “I have a small boat, you see. And I can control it with a remote. On a large scale, could be done to a train.” So claims Mr. Dragic, but I leave it to you reader, is such a thing as “wire-less” control of a train possible?
Del Lobos hunted down in response to raids
By Alois Burditt
Following the killing of most of their leadership, the Del Lobos gang receded back to New Austin. For a time, the Del Lobos had quieted down while ranking members fought for control of the gang. That fight appears to be over. Esteban Cortez has emerged as the leader of the Del Lobos and has kicked off his ascent with a series of raids in New Austin. The gang has been terrorizing New Austin residents all over the state, stealing food, various supplies, and even people.
A cowpoke named Dane heard of the people’s woes and rounded up a posse. They rode out across New Austin, stopping only for short moments of respite. While they came across small bands of Del Lobos gang members and assaulted them, they had a bigger goal in mind. Dane led the posse to Fort Mercer, the abandoned military base. Despite being outnumbered and the enemy having a tactically superior defensive position, Dane and his gang prevailed. Many of the gang members were already drunk, and what Dane’s posse lacked in numbers they made up for in sharpshooting skills. Cortez was not spotted and is still at large, though this counter raid is a clear meessage to the Del Lobos: New Austin residents have a limit to what they will put up with.
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Missing the winter snow, many cowpokes flock north
By Jane Duran
The Five States was hit with snowy weather this winter. While many complained about the increased cold conditions across the region, others embraced cold snow. Now that the snow has passed and the weather is warm once again, many cowpokes are rushing to snowy Ambarino. The least populace state in the region sees few visitors. With no major settlements, there just is not much to draw folks to the northern most state. It turns out, the cold and snow is enough for those longing for winter weather. “It is satisfying to be in the snow again and every step requiring great effort,” said one cowpoke, “I just find it odd that it never snows. Odder still that it rains.”
Blackwater workers seek protection from killer
By Nick McCrary
Workers in the growing town of Blackwater have issued two formal complaints, one to the Blackwater Police Department. The workers allege first, that they are in constant a danger. There is a killer on the loose in West Elizabeth and the Blackwater Police are not doing their job to bring the killer to justice, so claim the workers. Additionally, the workers are frustrated with their low pay, an issue the police believe is outside their authority. “We can’t help you with your pay,” said the Blackwater Police Chief to the workers, “but why don’t you try your hand a bounty hunting?”
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Man arrested by revenue agents, claims to have been falsely arrested
By Daisy Freeman
A local Blackwater resident was arrested on his way to Strawberry this week. The man was hauling a wagon full of goods that he claims were entirely legal. Indeed, his inventory listed clothing, lanterns, and various telegraph correspondences. He was flagged by federal revenue agents for inspection. Agents claimed to have found a single bottle of moonshine wrapped in a bundle of clothing. The man maintains that he is in innocent and that the bottle of moonshine was put there by the agents themselves. I spoke to the man while he sat alone in a Strawberry jail cell. All he had to say about the moonshine the agents found was, “weren’t mine. Mine’s in my jacket pocket and they never checked my person.”
Wealthy Woman Mysteriously Dies Painfully at Hospital
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
Moira O’Bannon, 35, passed away yesterday after experiencing possibly the most painful death imaginable on God’s green Earth. Miss O’Bannon had suffered a dreadful carriage accident the previous day and was experiencing severe hemorrhaging in the lower chest region. She called for a blood transfusion, a very rare operation mostly shunned in the medical world. The operation requires the blood of another human being to be injected into the veins of another. Most doctors aren’t experienced with the procedure, and those that are experienced claim the vast majority of patients don’t survive anyway. By good fortune, the wealthy Saint-Denis high society woman was able to find and afford the service of a doctor capable of doing the procedure.
A bag of blood was brought in and injected into Miss O’Bannon’s veins. At first, the operation seemed to be going well when suddenly, Miss O’Bannon complained of severe headaches. She started to breathe rapidly, repeatedly saying she was dizzy. She then started to physically bleed everywhere, through the ears, the nose, the eyes, and other parts of the body. The doctor ran out of the room, screaming for help. The nurse at the scene just stared at her as she screamed and violently shook. By the time the rest of the hospital staff arrived, the nurse was gone, and Miss O’Bannon was no longer conscious. Doctors tried to revive her, but it was all for not, she passed on approximately five minutes later.
The cause of death was discovered later that day. Instead of having blood pumped into her veins, Miss O’Bannon had been injected with embalming fluid, specifically formaldehyde. Her blood had evaporated, eventually causing her heart to stop all functionality. At this time, it’s not known if this was an accident or not. The doctor has been questioned, but the nurse has been yet to be found. Descriptions say that she had notable blue eyes and locks of auburn hair. A large funeral is scheduled next week, Miss O’Bannon’s only son Connor is expected to attend.
Valentine Surprised by Mysterious Vigilante
By William Crook (Freelancer)
The residents of Valentine have been astounded by the recent arrival of a mysterious vigilante. The vigilante has donned the name of “Hanover Hero”, and had been fighting crime throughout the Heartlands. His first act of heroism is believed to be a massacre of a local chapter of the O’Driscoll gang all the way back in November. The gang members were found in a pile in the center of a makeshift camp near Cumberland Falls. The reason we now know it was the so called “Hanover Hero” was the letter “H” written with bullet holes on the side of a wagon. With that information, it is now known that the Hanover Hero has been responsible for clearing over a dozen gang hideouts in all five states.
The Hanover Hero was most recently spotted in the Smithfield Saloon in Valentine. A local cowpoke started a bar-fight after becoming intoxicated from too much potent whisky. After the fight had begun, the Hanover Hero jumped down from the catwalk above the bar, landing with a thud adjacent from the conflict. The Hanover Hero punched the assailant before choking him out, leaving him unconscious. Then, as fast as he entered, the vigilante disappeared without a trace. Three people were injured in the brawl, with one needing medical treatment.
With the turmoil in the bar dealt with, witnesses could finally describe what the Hanover Hero looks like. “He had a white shirt on, with some sort of brown gauntlets on his wrists. He had a gold ring on his right hand, navy pants, and black and maroon boots.” said Mary Higgins, a witness to the altercation. Another patron, Martin Kreise, reported, “He wore a red and white checkered bandana over his face. And he wore a cape with the American flag patterned on it. He had blonde hair, an eyepatch over his left eye, with a scar running across that same eye.”
The Hanover Hero has often hogtied criminals and left them on the doorstep of the Sheriff’s Office. After much speculation, it was recently revealed by the Bounty Hunter’s Guild that the Hanover Hero was an ex bounty hunter, as evidenced by the ring. As well, they revealed that he was a well-established bounty hunter, with over 75 bounties turned in, and a fortune to his name. Many residents feel that the Hanover Hero was the hero that Valentine needed, but we’ll have to see whether or not he is the hero we deserve.
Are you awakened by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience dread when criminals hide in your basement or attic? Have you or your family ever seen a criminal or crime? If the answer is yes, don’t wait another minute. Get to your nearest telegraph to contact the professionals at the Herald today! Our courteous and efficient staff is ready receive your telegram 24 hours a day! No matter how unbelievable the story, we’re ready to believe you!
Boy found in Saint Denis believed to be child who disappeared months ago in the bayou
By Aloysius Levron
Nearly four months ago the Rudnab family vacationed in the bayou only to lose their son. Many believed the child became alligator food. Though Mrs. Rudnab has always proclaimed that her son was stolen. She never gave up the search and this week spotted a boy in Saint Denis she said was her missing child. Authorities immediately seized the boy and arrested the man the boy was with. The boy had no recollection of vacationing in the bayou, however the man he was with was not his father. The man claimed the boy was the son of one of his employees who had willingly gave the man custody of the boy. A trial is set to be held in just a few weeks to determine the fate of the child.
Swift Cola Caravan Robbed by Thirsty Lemoyners!
By Lowell Harris (Freelancer)
A caravan containing the beloved Empire Bay soft drink “Swift Cola” was robbed in broad daylight in Bayou Nwa yesterday, the thieves making off with four wagon-loads of the famous soda. The thieves refused to take any personal belongings of the caravan drivers, insisting that the drinks were the only things they were after. The caravan drivers, who were hog-tied and gagged on the side of the road, were found by a passerby who quickly reported the sight to the Saint Denis Police Department. An investigation commenced at the scene of the crime, but didn’t take long, as the trail of empty Swift Cola bottles led investigators right into Rhodes, where a fight was underway between a man and angry customers of the Rhodes Parlour House. The man, who was acting like a chimp from Africa, was actually experiencing the effects of the high dose of sugar and the substance “caffeine.” We contacted Saint Denis medical experts about what this substance is, and they said that caffeine increases vitality, awareness, and the overall health of your body, but when taken in large doses, could lead to animal-like behavior.
After a lengthy brawl with the police, the man was finally apprehended. After he was given some time to rest and regain his humanity, the man (later identified as Otis Peters) told the entire story truthfully and gave the locations of his accomplices and the stolen goods. Shacks packed to the brim with Swift Cola crates were found all over Bayou Nwa, and so were the other men involved – Scott Jenkins, Brian O’Sullivan, and Joe Phillips. All men were sentenced to one month in the county jail, narrowly avoiding federal prison time.
When The Five States Herald questioned Scott Jenkins, the mastermind behind this criminal operation, all he had to say was, “We didn’t want to sell it or nothing, we was just gonna drink it, I reckon. It costs too much to buy a single bottle of that stuff, so we figured we’d get ourselves some to last us till we die!” A comedic story of hijinks, but a story nonetheless.
Princeton Professor Argues with Popular Senator
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
William “Willy” Wilson, a successful Princeton professor and author, is currently in a war of words with famous New York senator Thaddeus Waxman. Wilson, who has written three books on American history, has accused Waxman of wanting war with Spain over the controversial destruction of the USS Lewiston despite the evidence being fairly thin.
“The man is a warmonger! He wants to fight Spain over the filmiest of circumstances! Does he not understand that people will die?”
Senator Waxman didn’t take the insult lying down.
“I’m willing to fight the Spanish in person; something Professor Wilson won’t do. I also have always been loyal to this great nation, unlike him and his family!”
Professor Wilson’s father did indeed fight for the Confederacy, and many have accused him of altering history in his writings. Senator Waxman also mocked his books, describing them as beacons for a Confederate lost cause, and looking for every excuse to denigrate Lincoln and deify Jefferson Davis. He further added that Wilson is a racist, pointing to his comments about the Reconstruction Era. Wilson responded to this mockery demanding a duel.
“As a citizen of Virginia, I will not accept an insult of my great state, nor its cherished history. If the senator claims to be brave, then we shall settle it like gentlemen!”
Unfortunately for Professor Wilson, dueling has outlawed for years, something he apparently didn’t know. This brought much amusement to the politicians of Washington, DC. At this rate, war will be declared between the professor and the senator before a war is even declared on Spain.
Shroud of Turin photographed
By Ivy Seager
Found in the 1357, the Shroud of Turin is believed to be the burial shroud of Jesus of Nazareth and has fascinated the devout for centuries. It has been displayed to the public for various periods of time throughout its history. While on its current display in the Turin Cathedral, Secondo Pia was allowed to set up equipment and take a photo. This marks the first time photography with an electric bulb was used on the Shroud. What he hopes to find with this photograph is anyone’s guess. The current exhibition will be ending soon and the Shroud of Turin will be put away for preservation once again. Mr. Pia’s photograph may, if nothing else, allow others to see the Shroud when it is not on display. Moreover, a facsimile can be made of the photograph and distributed world wide, which would please many devout who lack the means of travel.
Some, however, wonder what this new technology may see that our eyes cannot. Photographs catch other dimensions, so claim those who study the paranormal, an emerging branch of scientific study. While religious institutions have rebuked such paranormal studies, the claims have given many devout followers hope that these photographs will offer a glimpse of their savior.
The Five States Herald 