Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
The Five States is swimming in (poisoned) moonshine, say authorities
By Adam Parvey
The dangers of illegal moonshine has be a rallying cry for federal revenue agents. Unclean stills and low quality ingredients lead to alcohol that is not safe to drink according to the federal government. However, this warning has become even more important recently. “Most moonshine poinsoning is an accident. Moonshiner doesn’t know any better, poisons their clients. Not good for a business,” said a revenue agent. “But we have found batches recently that were intentionally poisoned.”
Federal authorities have seized moonshine that includes oleander sage, a known poisonous plant. Some believe this is an accident, however oleander sage is not a rare and unknown plant to the Five States. To include it intentionally and not know it is poisonous would be the height of ignorance. Others have alleged that the poisonous plant adds a kick to the moonshine that only true cowpokes can survive. Whatever the reason for this poisonous alcohol hitting the black market, authorities have used it to strengthen the case to not purchase illegal alcohol.
Residents of the Five States are encouraged by federal authorities to only buy alcohol from legitimate stores.
Drunken altercation in Tumbleweed
By Alois Burditt
A Tumbleweed resident got a bit too drunk and too rowdy at the saloon this week. A cowpoke from Hennigan’s Stead came to Tumbleweed to collect the drunkard. They escorted the man home, but not before two others who were offended by the drunk man attacked. The drunk would have not managed, stumbling around as he was. However the cowpoke was more than up for the fight.
The first fellow who took a swung received a punch to the stomach in return, before an uppercut put him on the ground. The second man tackled the cowpoke, but the cowpoke fought him off. They exchanged blows until the cowpoke landed a right hook to the attacker’s face and promptly tossed the man into a pile of horse shit. The drunk made it home with no further incidents. The relation between the drunkard and the cowpoke is unknown and so is the cowpoke’s motivation.
Remains of odd device found in the desert
By Wylie Frey
A strange contraption was found by a cowpoke exploring the New Austin desert. They were out looking for collectible items using a metal detector when they came across the object. The Herald was notified as soon as the cowpoke returned to town and I journeyed to the area. To the untrained eye this contraption is certainly a mystery. However, I have uncovered its purpose. It is, in fact, a flying machine. Before you cast such a conclusion out as outrageous and fanciful, consider that the history of mankind is rife with stories of attempts at flight. Could not the story of Icarus be an early warning to avoid flight after early failures?
Reports come from China of men that flew attached to kites. Indeed, Yuan Huangtou is said to have survived a jump from a tower attached to such a kite. As recently as 1811, a man attempted to fly using across the Danube river in a flying machine of his own design. He was fortunate to have survived! And who has not heard of flying balloons and dirigibles? Both employed in this very decade! This abandoned craft was more like the machine used in 1811, designed for a single passenger. Unlike balloon travel, it also attempts to mimic the birds of nature. Questions remain: Where did the pilot cast off from? Where did they go? Why leave the craft behind? Surely they survived, for I found no human remains. While few answers can be discerned from this abandoned contraption, it is certainly exciting to think that man may soon fly as the bird does, with wind on their faces and the entire world beneath them.
Cotorra Springs mishap leads to violent death
By Caylen V. Hornby
A little fun turned tragic as a fellow did not respect the Cotorroa Springs. After setting up camp and resting, a cowpoke decided to try and ride the geyser as it shot up. The cowpoke may have been drunk at the time. They settled onto the geyser and after waiting several moments, they were ejected into the air. The cowpoke’s friend laughed at first, believing their friend was laughing and having a good time. “We figured out they was actually screaming,” said one of their friends.
When they came crashing down the cries become obvious. “They were just lying their, broken. Legs and arms going the wrong way.” Because they could not be transported on a horse, one friend rode away to get help. By the time they arrived back with a wagon, the cowpoke was dead.
Bounty capture gone wrong, three innocent people dead
By Nick McCrary
A gang of miscreants was captured by a pair of bounty hunters and brought into Blackwater. One bounty hunter drove a bounty wagon while the other rode along on his horse. The bounty hunters were ambushed just outside Blackwater. The wagon driver drove on harder while the other on horseback dealt with the attackers. Unfortunately, a Blackwater resident was driving his own wagon in the path of the bounty hunter. The bounty hunter drove around the wagon but hit a rock and lost control. The wagon toppled over and the locked up men escaped the wagon.
The driver of the wagon missed his first shot, likely disorientated from the crash. One of the miscreants tackled the bounty hunter, but not before they managed to fire a few shots. Witnesses report that at least one of the miscreants was shot in the exchange. The former captives killed the first bounty hunter and relived them of their weapons. The other bounty hunter came riding into town after dealing with the ambush only to be gunned down immediately by the newly armed wanted men. The villains then went on a shooting rampage as they headed toward the stable, where they secured new horses and rode south toward New Austin.
Aside from the two bounty hunters and the henchmen of formerly captured men, three Blackwater residents were killed. There is controversy whether they were all killed by the miscreants, as the first victim was shot, “before the fighting began, or right at the beginning,” according to a resident who saw the man get shot. The first shot in Blackwater came from one of the bounty hunters, indicating their wild shooting in the beginning may have killed an innocent person. The other two victims were certainly murdered by the miscreants. One was a stable hand and the other a female resident who attempted to stop miscreants herself. Names of the deceased are being withheld while family is contacted.
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Man flops after too many $5 bets
By Nick McCrary
A cowpoke was arrested after shooting a fellow poker player. Everything had been going fine when a new cowpoke showed up to the table. “He had a grin about him, not sure if he was stupid or just ready to annoy,” said another cowpoke at the table. The newcomer watched others place their pre-flop bet and when it came his turn to ante up, he bet a full $5, which is the per hand legal limit across the Five States. A few players groaned and folded, a couple of others tried their luck.
The newcomer lost that hand and yet, bet another $5 before the flop on the very next hand. After doing this over and over, the rest of the players began folding each time. The newcomer was undeterred and continued his $5 bets while grinning and sipping away at his whiskey. The charade was put to an end when the cowpoke mentioned at the top of this article pulled out his pistol and shot the grinning man in the head. They holstered their gun and put up no resistance when the Blackwater police showed up. However, the cowpoke was released hours later when witnesses failed to identify them as the shooter.
“Someone shot the man dead, but nobody is saying who,” said a frustrated Blackwater policeman. To save face the cowpoke admitted to public disorder, but their fines were paid by the other poker players.
Five States gunslingers take to old revolver, making creator rich
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Freelancer)
Henri LeMat, age 77, was but a poor retired gun designer living in Bordeaux France last year. Now he is living in high society with his wife, Elise. The reason? His old gun design from 1856 is suddenly flying off the shelves. LeMat at first believed this had to be a mistake.
“I thought that weapon was a failure, so when I start seeing large sums of money at the post office, I thought it was a mistake or fraud. Evidently, I misjudged my skills in firearm creation.”
Born in 1821, LeMat began life as a priest working in Paris before becoming a doctor. He moved to the United States in 1843, spending most of his time in St Denis. There he met his wife Elise LePretre, who was a cousin of then army major Quincy T Harris. In between working as a doctor, LeMat saw himself as an inventor of sorts. One day while hunting, LeMat found his shotgun to be rather cumbersome and wished that it was as mobile as a revolver. The idea stuck, he quickly designed a pistol that could function as a shotgun. He made it have nine cylinders to support the extra weight, and on October 21, 1856, he patented a new kind of revolver. Originally titled the Canister Shot Revolver, his wife convinced him to name it after himself.
When the Civil War began in 1861, LeMat ordered 3000 revolvers to be delivered to the Confederate Army. Roughly half made it to the battlefield. While it was praised for its capacity and its shotgun attachment undoubtedly saved many cavalrymen’s lives, it proved to be an unpopular weapon. This was mostly down to how common it jammed; the large number of parts also made it quite challenging to clean and repair. Although later models were easier to repair, the lousy reputation stuck. After the war, LeMat moved back to France, living a mostly quiet life besides the time he led some American soldiers in the Franco-Prussian War.
He had almost forgotten about that silly little gun until it suddenly began to turn a profit. It has become the favorite weapon of choice by gunslingers and outlaws across the West despite the high price tag of 317 dollars. Many find the nine-shot weapon to be incredibly helpful during a shootout, especially when two are used. Many cowpokes had reported that the shotgun attachment never fails to surprise an opponent. It was even reported in Valentine that a fight broke out because the local gunsmith, a Mr. R.L. Dalton, had run out of LeMats. When asked if looking back, Mr. LeMat was proud of his revolver; he had this to say.
“If even a single man makes it home to his wife because of my gun, I couldn’t be more proud.”
Federal agents accused using claims of taxation to justify theft
By Mickey Z (Freelancer)
Recent reports suggest the BUREAU OF INTERNAL REVENUE’s agents (which arrived in the Five States in droves during advent) have been stealing valuables under the guise of searches & Taxes. While the inspections themselves are lawful, the agents have been said to embellish the penalties for failing to report certain possessions to EXTORT, or even just STEALING THINGS outright.
Sheriff Malloy of Valentine, New Hanover has gone on record that “The Feds have no business searching without a warrant.” and that “even federal agents can and will be arrested by me and my deputies.” Other local and federal lawmen (mainly Marshalls) have shared similar sentiments, but wish to remain anonymous.
The Herald heartily recommends those carrying valuables travel ARMED & WITH ESCORT.
Murder near Emerald Ranch, Smoking Gun implicated
By Emery Cosberry
Late this week a man was found bound and killed by a gunshot through the head. In the man’s pocket was an unlit cigarette. Despite that this man had his hands bound in front of him, it seems likely this is the work of the Smoking Gun. The unlit cigarette appeared to be handrolled and left as a message for my colleague Ela Q. Asken, who was in Blackwater following what appears now to be a false clue.
The victim was well dressed and while we are withholding their name presently as the investigation is still pending, I have uncovered that he was riddled with debt. He was found leaning against a rock and nobody near Emerald Ranch or Emerald Station recognized the victim. Miss Asken suggested over telegraph that the man was likely brought here from somewhere else, likely Saint Denis. Why he was brought to this particular region is a mystery. However, Miss Asken is on her way to the area to conduct an investigation herself.
Bayou at war
By Aloysius Levron
Lemoyne has been host to many skirmishes recently, skirmishes that federal authorities believe are part of a moonshine war. “Lemoyne hasn’t seen fighting like this since the Civil War,” says Agent Hixon. The state has been riddled with gun fights and explosions. Crop burnings have increased as well. Many cowpokes have reported massive fires burning in Scarlett Meadows. Additionally, the recently escape bootlegger Lemuel Pike has been seen around Saint Denis near the docks, potentially getting on a boat and out of the Five States.
Revenue agents have increased the number of checkpoints across Lemoyne. Additionally, they have brought more revenue agents into the state to search out moonshine operations and shut them down. “Moonshiners are arrogant. We hear a few even got themselves illegal bars. Invite enough people in and one of them will talk to us,” warned Hixon. While many residents believe the federal agents have already overstayed their welcome, they are unlikely to leave anytime soon. “I ain’t too worried about the shooting, Lemoyne is a dangerous place but stick to the roads and its okay,” says a bayou resident, “I am worried about these federal agents in everybody’s business though.” Many other residents share the concern over revenue agent checkpoints, as evidenced by the increase in checkpoint attacks.
After short rebound, animal populations rapidly decline across the Five States
By Daisy Fairman
The success many conservationists had pointed to in repopulating animals in the Five States turned out to be premature. While there was a sudden boost in animal populations, eager hunters proved to be too much. Having watched a lifeless land suddenly become full of wandering animals was too great a temptation. Conservationists say if they can ban hunting completely for a few years and issue limited hunting licenses in the future, populations would rebound permanently. “Unfortunately, we see a population rebound and hope to see further conservation. Hunters see a population rebound and see short term profits, “said a conservationist I spoke to.
However, not all hunters are ignorant to the dilemma they are facing. They just do not have a viable alternative. “I understand that it’s better in the long run to limit hunting and let these animals repopulate so future generations can hunt,” acknowledged a hunter I came across looking for deer. “But if I don’t hunt, someone else will. So the animal populations are going to get decimated either way. I may as well try and benefit from it while I can.” I have learned that Congress has a number of submitted bills that would deal with this problem and others. Among them are bills that would establish hunting licenses and protect certain animals from hunting, in addition to laws meant to clean up waterways.
Before Congress’ solutions can be tested, however, they must be passed. All of the submitted bills are unlikely to be picked up and voted on the floor in either chamber of Congress. Laws meant to protect animal populations are least likely to be considered, as the focus is shifting on keeping water clean and managing other natural resources. Conservationists are hoping that Congress’ willingness to tackle the scarcity of natural resources and consider limitations on resource exploitation is a sign that they will work on the animal population problem at some point in the future.
Insurance company issues first car insurance plan
By Frederick Vannesse
The Travelers Insurance Company has issued its first insurance policy for an automobile. The company was founded in 1864, issuing accidental insurance. A year later, the Travelers Insurance Company began selling life insurance plans as well, making it the first insurance company to sell multiple types of insurance. While automobile sells are still rare, Travelers Insurance Company believes that affordable insurance will make automobiles more accessible and more common. “By removing some of the risk of this investment, we believe consumers will be eager to start driving!” said a representative.
Spain issues warning, but continues to deny involvement in ship explosion
By Humphrey Harker
With a vote expected soon on a declaration of war against Spain, the Spanish government has issued a warning. While still claiming to have had no involvement in the sinking of the U.S.S. Lewiston, Spain has stated that they will defend themselves against any act of aggression. The Spanish Navy has begun to build up in the region. Some say this is evidence of Spanish aggression while others are quick to point out the American Navy ramped up in the region first. Rumors abound that the internal investigation was stalled with red tape and political maneuvering. The Spanish government has accused the U.S. of threatening war to cover up incompetence in either ship design or maintenance practices. Indeed, a leaked copy of the early report obtained by this paper suggested the explosion came from an internal source. The U.S government has refuted leaked reports.
The Five States Herald 