Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Blackwater shootout
Blackwater was the scene of a violent shootout this week that left many dead, including a number of policeman and respected businessman Amos Lancing. Before the shootout a tense stand off occurred between the widow Mrs. Jessica LeClerk and Mr. Lancing. Both brought with them personal guards. The police seemed to not be too concerned during the initial standoff, giving Mr. Lancing discretion in allowing him to conduct his business as he saw fit. Mrs. LeClerk’s late husband, Philip, was an associate of Mr. Lancing. He was allegedly murdered by Mr. Lancing’s brother in law Teddy Brown, who was allegedly killed by Mrs. LeClerk. Mrs. LeClerk has remained in hiding but has released a number of statements to press. In those statements she has claimed that it was Mr. Amos Lancing that had her husband killed so he could purchase Mr. LeClerk’s property.
Mr. Lancing had denied the allegations, though records do indicate that he speculated on property owned by the late Mr. LeClerk. During the standoff, Mrs. LeClerk raised her tone loud enough for a witness to hear her protest to Mr. Lancing that her land was worth a “hundred times” what he was offering. While other publications have said the origins of the shootout were unknown, I can confirm from two separate witness accounts that it was Mrs. LeClerk that kicked off the shootout. Shortly after refusing to sell her inheritance, Mrs. LeClerk raised her purse and shot Mr. Lancing dead.
Mr. Lancing’s guards were caught unprepared, stunned by the sudden shooting of their boss. Mrs. LeClerk’s guards however responded quickly and opened fire before scattering for cover on Main Street. The next few minutes were chaotic as Blackwater residents took cover in buildings. “I knew something was happening, so I slipped into the general store and hid,” one resident told me. Though outnumbered, Mrs. LeClerk’s guards proved to be the better shots, or at least more motivated. When the gunfire finally came to a stop they were the only ones still standing.
Mrs. LeClerk somehow escaped the gunfire, as did Mr. Lancing’s associate Jeremiah Shaw. Mr. Shaw refused to offer a comment on his involvement or Mr. Lancing’s death. Witnesses stated that Mrs. LeClerk and her guards fled north. Saint Denis police will ill-equipped for the sudden gunfight and focused their efforts on protecting residents.
Del Lobos “respawning?”
By Alois Burditt
Despite recent setbacks, the Del Lobos gang continues to flourish in New Austin. In recent months its leadership has been decimated and its members thinned drastically in conflicts with authorities. Yet, the Del Lobos survive and thrive. While leadership is still recovering under the Cortez brothers, membership continues to be as large as ever. Most reasonable folk conclude that this is the result of folks attempting to escape the tension between the U.S. and Mexico. The Respawners have a different explanation.
If this is your first time reading about the Respawners, they are a unique group that believes death is not permanent. Just as the salmon ascends the river to spawn, death brings ascension in understanding to some and a respawn to all. “Most folks who die have no idea they died. They go on thinking they narrowly escaped death, either a lucky bastard or a hero or some such thing,” says Karl Keeves, a Respawner. “When I first realized the truth, I was shocked. I remembered all my ‘close encounters’ and how most of ’em ended with me dead!” he continued. Mr. Keeves was lost in his new ‘realization until he came across the Respawners. “These fellers were just tying each other up on a railroad tracks waiting for the train to come, I knew these fellers were what I needed.”
Keeves says that in order for those living in the false world to believe it, the false world is filled with details meant to immerse cowpokes and distract them. “They aren’t real. I mean, neither am I. But they are, well, um, less real,” he shrugs, seeming to believe he makes sense and not caring if I could understand him. The Del Lobos, claims Keeves and the Respawners, are part of the false world that they call ‘new people copies.’ “People die, then the world creates new copies of them. They don’t really think, you see. They just do what the false world demands.” So what separates cowpokes from ‘new people copies’ in a false world? “A cowpoke is capable of ascension. They are capable of consciousness in a way that the new people copies aren’t. They live in the false world but are not part of it. Not completely.”
Man’s attempt at daring jump ends in tragedy
By Wylie Frey
A man attempted to make his name this week by leaping over Jorge’s Gorge while riding a horse. His risky act ended with his own death. Those who knew him said he was not very smart, but what he lacked in cunning he made up for determination and bravery. He purchased a Turkoman for this task and after weeks of bonding with his horse, decided their relationship was strong enough that he could complete the daring feat. A few residents of Armadillo and Tumbleweed showed up to watch, claiming there is not much else to do in New Austin.
The man gave a speech and provided free booze to those who came to watch. The combination of which led to his speech being well received and cheered on by the drunk crowd. The man took a drink of liquor, yelled out “yee haw” and kicked his horse into a sprint. Turkomans are known to be brave and loyal. Whether this horse lacks either one of those qualities or is simply smarter than a horse ought to be, we will never know. However, we do know that the horse made a complete stop instead of trying to leap over the Gorge. The unlucky cowpoke was thrust from his saddle and he crashed headfirst into the Gorge below before skidding across to hit side of the Gorge he was supposed to be on top of. He died instantly, or at least before anyone was able to get to him. Nobody there remembered his name.
New Tempest Rim expedition planned
By Jane Duran
Another expedition is being planned to access the Tempest Rim. Weeks ago, an unnamed survivor of the last expedition into the area arrived in Strawberry speechless and bewildered. That man’s status has not changed and yet, has only encouraged the new expedition leader Grayce Harlen. “He made it and came back. Sure, he’s a bit shaken, but that means it’s possible. We just need to be careful,” Ms. Harlen explained. She recognizes that many are nervous about the expedition, which has reduced the number of members in the expedition. However, she points out that she has a few folks from Pawnee County. “You know those PC folk! They really know how to get what they want. If anyone has a way into the Tempest Rim and back, it’s them!”
Animal populations rebounding in Big Valley after drastic measures taken
By Daisy Fairman
This paper has covered the plight of wild animal populations across the Five States. After failing to get any level of government to act, the Five States Conservationist League took action themselves. Having raised money from wealthy donors with excess money and excess sympathy for this problem, the League paid to catch animals in nearby regions and transport them into the Five States. “We only selected wild animals from nearby regions that already lived in the Five States. It was costly, but worth it,” said a representative for the Conservationist League. The group has, however, advised caution regarding rebounding animal populations.
If the newly introduced animals fail to breed with existing animals in the Five States, the population may rapidly decline. Though the League is much more concerned about hunters. “If Congress or the legislatures of the Five States do not act soon, they’ll just over hunt these beautiful animals all over again. If that doesn’t move you, just remember you’ll be looking for a way to scrape by once your hunting business fails. Sustain it for decades to come or become a beggar.” While the League seems to take an extreme position on this issue, they do bring up a fair point. How much hunting is too much? And who gets to determine the right answer to that question?
Some people collect stuff. Some people collect money. Some even collect people! But equestrians collect horses!
Stables across the Five States are pleased to have access to the Norfolk Roadster! A splendid horse originating in Norfolk, England, this breed is known for its large size, tremendous stamina, and nearly unmatched speed! You’ll be tired long before your Norfolk Roadster is!
Starting at $150
Cowpoke learns the limitations of his Collector’s Satchel the hard way
By Frederick Vannesse
A glum cowpoke buried his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle when he learned to his disappointment that the satchel provided by Madam Nazar to her collectors only had room for a single condor egg. “Didn’t make any sense, you know?” the cowpoke told me between swigs of whiskey. He went on, “Just recently I spotted a condor nest and beat a bunch of other fellers to it. First time I ever found a Condor Egg!” The cowpoke put the condor egg in his satchel and went about his business. “I was a happy cowboy! $1,000 in my pocket, I began making plans.”
His plans were interrupted when he noticed another condor flying high in the sky. “I tracked it and when I saw a bunch of other fellers looking up and around, I knew there was another condor egg around!” The cowpoke focused until he noticed something in his line of sight, a “glow” he calls his “collector’s sense.” Quickly he urged his horse on and beat other cowpokes to it. “Boy was I excited! I was about to have $2,000 right as them Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. folks was getting ready to get new items!” His joy was quickly turned to disappointment.
“I looked at that condor egg and looked at my collector’s bag. The damn slot for a condor egg only had room for one egg! Where was I to put it?” the cowpoke cried out, considerably drunker than when the conversation started. “Other fellers noticed me just standing over a nest and I figured, if I ain’t getting richer, I ain’t letting them get richer.” The cowpoke took out his previously found condor egg and threw it at the closest cowpoke before grabbing the new condor egg and putting it in the freshly emptied condor egg slot. “I rode away pretty quick before that feller cleaned the egg off his face. Might be the closest he ever gets to a condor egg!” the cowpoke exclaimed before falling off his seat and into a deep sleep.
Lighthouse operator retires
By Van R. Seldon
The long time Van Horn Lighthouse operator, Ervin Hatchell, has finally retired. Having served in his post longer than anyone can remember, age (and alcohol according to Van Horn residents) finally did him in, forcing him to retire. “Used to be you could sit right here and watch him stumble to his shift, always carrying an old and expensive bottle of alcohol,” said a cowpoke not native to Van Horn, but who was drawn to the area in search of lost treasures. “Antique alcohol bottles sell well, even more if they have alcohol in them. I don’t know how he made it up those steps, but he’d pass out, wake up and leave, completely forgetting the alcohol he took with him,” the collector continued.
It is believed that Mr. Hatchell, who was unable to provide any coherent words for this article, amassed the collection of alcohol as gifts from sailors. “Folks are superstitious, think giving stuff to the lighthouse operator will keep them safe,” a Van Horn resident said. Mr. Hatchell would visit the Van Horn saloon before heading home, grabbing a bottle of alcohol, and heading to the lighthouse. “It’s probably better in the end for the safety of those coming down the river, but I’m gonna miss the regular availability of antique bottles,” another collector I spoke to said. While Mr. Hatchell did not say anything clearly, I get the impression he did not realize he retired. So if collectors are watchful, they may see him head to the lighthouse again sometime soon, just not as predictably.
Emerald Ranch becomes popular destination for cowpokes
By Emery Cosberry
Built around the ranch owned by Eugene Wegner, Emerald Ranch is a fast growing settlement. As Mr. Wegner’s ranch became more successful he needed more ranch hands and those hands needed places to stay. The settlement is not far from Valentine, where ranch hands can purchase goods and enjoy some entertainment at one of two saloons. That has not stopped entrepreneurs from bringing goods and entertainment to the ranch hands. The saloon their was recently reopened, which not only gave ranch hands a convenient place to relax after work but attracted many traveling cowpokes.
“Emerald Ranch has a few things a traveler may need,” one cowpoke said to me, “but it didn’t have a saloon before. It’s always good to have another place to drink.” I visited the saloon and found it to be a rather simple place. The owner was not there during my visit and the barkeep did not seem to know where she was. Having rented a spare room in Emerald Ranch, I did notice one thing. While locals returned to the saloon daily, travelers rarely returned. I recognized many of them who returned to Emerald Ranch but for some reason, rode right by the saloon and carried on with their business.
Flat Iron Lake islands see increased visitors
By Mathilde Orry
Conservationists in Lemoyne have turned their focus from exotic birds in the bayou to the rare species that live on the Flat Iron Lake islands not far from Rhodes. The market for crustacean meat spiked this week as harvests of crabs and lobsters were less than expected. In order to keep customers satisfied, restaurants have offered increased payment for crustaceans. However, the restaurants are very picky and not willing to purchase anything but the best. Most cowpokes looking to feast on crustacean meat are resorting to cooking it in their own camps. And those cowpokes are headed to the Flat Iron Lake islands to find crustacean meat.
“These islands rarely see visitors,” said Hazel Piersol, “I was documenting the wildlife when I noticed the island was swarming with folks.” Ms. Piersol said the cowpokes went around the islands digging up holes and killing crabs. “It was a nightmare,” she said, shivering just remembering it. The cowpokes ignored her and went about their day after killing a few crabs. By the end of the day the crabs were gone but the cowpokes were not. They continued to arrive in large numbers and started shooting at any creature that moved. That was when she gathered her materials and returned to her boat. Unfortunately, her boat had been taken, leaving her stranded until a boat with a full load of freshly caught crabs picked her up.
Saint Denis police inadvertently assist a pickpocket
By Aloysius Levron
A man visiting Saint Denis for the first time was arrested by the police for physically assaulting a boy no older than 12. Having grown up on far from the city on a beet farm, the man was excited to experience the French inspired culture of Saint Denis. “I read your paper last week and was looking forward to trying that restaurant but I wanted proper Saint Denis clothes to get the full experience.” said Dwide Shrude. That is where Mr. Shrude’s experience took a turn for the worse. While walking into the tailor shop, the previously mentioned boy was walking out and managed to pickpocket Mr. Shrude. “I’m not from the city. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the law but more often than not you need to catch the bad guy yourself to bring them to justice,” Mr. Shrude told me.
He chased the boy to get his money back but the boy knew the city better, managing to stay just out of Mr. Shrude’s reach. The boy finally bumped into someone and fell. According to witnesses, Mr. Shrude then grabbed the boy by his shirt collar and held him against the wall. When the boy tried to get away, Mr. Shrude slammed him into the wall while looking around the growing crowd frantically. “Someone said I was crazy, but I’m not. I was looking for the law. But I never saw so many people. By the time I saw the law, they already saw me and had the wrong idea,” Mr. Shrude said. The police promptly arrested Mr. Shrude for assault. The boy sneaked away through the crowd before the police could question him.
“You know, I didn’t believe him,” said the Saint Denis Chief of Police, “Figured he was just another wild cowpoke thinking the city was his playground.” With no evidence to prove his innocence, Mr. Shrude was lucky to be released. “The tailor came by. Said he heard about a man in jail for assaulting a boy he claimed robbed him. Seems the boy robbed the tailor too,” the Chief continued. The Chief considers the tailor to be an “upstanding citizen” and so accepted his testimony and released Mr. Shrude, who vowed revenge on those who wronged him and never ending loyalty to the tailor.
Revenue Agents flood the Five States
By Adam Parvey
The United States is in the midst of a debt crisis. Still paying for the Civil War, the federal government has been having a difficult time generating revenue. Its last attempt was the Income Tax of 1894, which was promptly ruled to be unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. The government then turned to the states by taxing state revenue in absence of the ability to tax citizens directly. One easy revenue source to tax was alcohol related revenue. The tax applied to a portion of the alcohol license states issued as well as a portion of the alcohol tax revenue the states collect.
However, despite an increase in alcohol demand in the Five States, a matching increase in supply has not occurred. This has brought the federal Bureau of Internal Revenue agents into the Five States. “Demand is up, why not supply? That’s the thing, supply is up, we just don’t see it. Damn moonshiners,” said head Revenue Agent Hixon. Hixon says moonshiners are taking advantage of the lack of laws in the Five States and hoping to avoid their legal responsibilities. The increase in Revenue Agent checkpoints has many Five States residents alarmed. “This may not be the wild west anymore, but it’s still American goddammit!” said a resident of Valentine.
While the Revenue Agents are not discussing it, I did uncover another motive for the increased checkpoints. A known moonshiner named Lemuel Fike recently escaped custody. Further, Lemuel is connected to the notorious Maggie Fike. Fike controlled the moonshine businesses all over Lemoyne for years, until Hixon caught up to her. While the specifics of the case were never disclosed, it was believed that Fike died the night Hixon captured Lem. When asked, all Hixon said of Fike was, “She’s old news. Dead and gone. Nothin’ but a warning to other would be moonshiners to stop what they are doing before they get my attention.”
California shaken
By Frederick Vannesse
Earthquake in Northern California has left many suddenly without homes and in search of loved ones. The Mare Island peninsula was impacted the most. Despite widespread damage, nobody was reported as dead yet though many are still missing. Those out at sea reported large waves coming from the California region. Scientist hoping to develop a way to measure and predict earthquakes have come to Northern California to study the effects.
Famed magician releases new book exposing mediums as frauds
By Humphrey Harker
Chinese magician Chung Ling Soo, who became an orphan at age 13, is seeking to expose those who exploit vulnerable people. Taken in by a man who knew ancient Chinese magic, he learned the craft himself. He has made a name for himself all over the world.. According to Chung Ling Soo and many other famed magicians, mediums are tricksters taking advantage of people’s pain to exploit them out of money. His new book, Spirit Slate Writing and Kindred Phenomena, is available in all major regions of the world.
The Five States Herald 