Shootout in Tumbleweed results in several dead deputies
By Alois Burditt
A posse of cowpokes attacked the town of Tumbleweed this week. Deputies in the town were quick to respond, however, the attackers proved to be the better shots. Residents of the dying town took cover as bullets rained on them from all directions. “The bastards had my town surrounded and my deputies were sitting ducks,” said a frustrated Sheriff Freeman. The deputies fought back valiantly, refusing to hide despite their poor defensive position. The number of deputies who died was only exceeded by the surprising number of deputies who responded. “I, well, I knew there was a lot of lawmen in Tumbleweed,” said local gunsmith Roscoe Brenner, “but I was still shocked by how many deputies there were that night.” As unbelievable as it may sound, despite deputies dying by the dozen, there seemed to be an endless supply of replacements.

Sheriff Freeman was held down in the prison, forced back into cover every time he attempted to take a shot himself. The onslaught continued until New Austin Rangers showed up. Having heard the shooting while patrolling near Benedict Pass, the Rangers made their way to Tumbleweed. Alone, the Rangers were not enough, but, they distracted the attackers long enough for deputies to break free from their defensive positions. Two of the attackers were killed and the rest rode off. Several lawmen gave chase but the surviving attackers got away.

Archery competition nearly ruined by gunslingers
By Wylie Frey
Leon Cull, a wealthy New Austin resident, funded an archery tournament at the abandoned Gaptooth Breach mine, drawing many participants. “I have always found archery to be a true sport of skill and patience,” said the wealthy benefactor, “I merely wanted to bring this civilized sport to this uncivilized land.” His civilized competition however was quickly disrupted by those Mr. Cull described as uncivilized. A few cowpokes showed up with a bow but clearly had no intentions of honest competition. “I set the rules such that points were only rewarded for shooting targets with a bow, however I did not anticipate that some folks would want to shoot at others so I never thought to make that against the rules!” explained Mr. Cull. Some shot competitors with bows, but most pulled out their guns. Those who focused on the competition were vulnerable and forced to choose between trying to win or defending themselves. The archery competition was nearly a complete failure when a few participants chose a third option: give up on winning the competition to protect it.

“I call them the slippery bastards,” Mr. Cull said. These folks ran around the competition area wielding lassos, bolas, knifes, and machetes. They managed to weave through the firefight, seeming to dodge bullets before tackling shooters and either restraining them or ending their life. Others in the competition cheered the “slippery bastards” on while they went about shooting at the targets. “Turned out to be quite successful in the end,” said Mr. Cull.

Cowpoke sets camp near Wapiti Indian Reservation to search for missing Indians
By Jane Duran
“Where did they go? A whole tribe being monitored can’t just disappear,” said a man with a wild beard and unruly long hair. “The federal government knew where they were one day, then had no idea the next. Something ain’t right.” The Wapiti Tribe has a sad history, like many Indian Tribes in the United States. Pushed out from their homeland then onto reservations, then kicked out of those reservations and sent to new reservations, the Wapiti have been deprived self agency and their own legacy. Many tribes have attempted to regain their tribal agency by leaving the reservations and living off the unoccupied land that the United States claims ownership of. This seems to be the most likely explanation. However, others have posited other worldly visitors.

“I’ve seen them, the little grey men and their spaceships,” said a man who asked to remain anonymous. He and others say beings from out of space took the Wapiti Indians. Some say to save the tribe from extinction, others say to experiment with people from earth. The United States Government refused to comment on the theory regarding men from outer space, but said that the welfare for the Wapiti Indians is their primary concern. The spokesman did not comment on whether they knew the location of the tribe.

If you have any information, please contact your local authorities. Information is being forwarded to a new bureau to look into these unsolved cases led by Detective Charles Langford Stack. Detective Stack encourages the reporting of anything you may now, as he claims, “you may be able to help solve a mystery.”

Are you awakened by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience dread when criminals hide in your basement or attic? Have you or your family ever seen a criminal or crime? If the answer is yes, don’t wait another minute. Get to your nearest telegraph to contact the professionals at the Herald today! Our courteous and efficient staff is ready receive your telegram 24 hours a day! No matter how unbelievable the story, we’re ready to believe you!

Wanted man found in abandoned mine
By Caylen V. Hornby
Arthur McCourt, wanted for tax evasion, the murder of federal tax agents, and for Anarchist sympathies, was found in an abandoned mine. Bounty hunter Arnie Goldammer took the bounty with some reservation. “He expressed concern with any bounty near Mount Hagen,” a deputy said. Fortunately for Goldammer, McCourt was not on the mountain but under it. He reported that he came across a camp of outlaws and upon further investigation, saw his target mingling among the group. When Goldammer approached, McCourt retreated into the mines. However, after a brief gunfight, McCourt’s allies were all killed and he was trapped in the mine. McCourt was turned in to the Strawberry Sheriff.

Federal authorities arrest a man believed to be the Great Plains Sniper
By Nick McCrary
A man named Merlin Wheelock was arrested under suspicion of being the Great Plains Sniper. A Carcano sniper rifle was found on the saddle of his horse along with anti-government paraphernalia. According to federal agents, Wheelock said nothing at all. “He didn’t deny it or confirm it, didn’t say anything,” said a lawman present during the arrest. Wheelock refused to provide alibis for where he was during known times the Great Plains Sniper killed federal agents. However, they were forced to release him when they failed to find other evidence. Further weakening the case was the admission of guilt by several others, who turned themselves in claiming to be the Great Plains Sniper. With so many people claiming to be the Sniper and a lack of evidence against Wheelock the case against him was weak. Wheelock refused to comment for this article.

Chaos in Blackwater when mass prisoner transfer goes wrong
By Daisy Fairman
A mass prisoner transfer went about as bad as it could go late this week. Prison wagons from New Austin traveled across the large southern state to arrive in Blackwater, where they were met by other wagons carrying prisoners from Strawberry and captured bounties from Ambarino. The prisoners were all wanted on federal charges and as a result were being sent to Sisika Penitentiary. In an attempt to avoid a long wagon ride across dangerous territory, the prisoners were to be loaded onto a ship in Blackwater and transported across Flat Iron Lake and the Lannahechee River. “Transporting prisoners by boat is much safer,” said a federal agent, “you avoid highwaymen and other outlaws hiding behind shrubbery and such.” On a ship, the agent explained, if an unknown boat approaches they get one warning before they are shot at. Outlaws must have known this as well because they attacked during this transfer, after the prisoners were removed from the wagons but before they were loaded onto the ship.

In short order the chaos allowed several wanted men to escape. The local police put out a call over the telegraph to other localities calling for bounty hunters to assist in the recapture of the outlaws. Many bounty hunters answered the call and descended upon Blackwater. Outlaws ran all over the streets, hiding and shooting at bounty hunters with guns they stole from dead lawmen. A few bounty hunters with keen eyes focused on high value targets until a gun wagon was driven into the town, pushing many bounty hunters back. After about an hour or so the chaos died down. A little more than half of the prisoners were recaptured, about a quarter of them were killed, and the rest escaped and are presently at large.

Train ambushed, defenders killed and goods stolen
By Van R. Seldon
Outlaws laid siege to a train that departed out of Saint Denis with expensive cargo Friday morning. Several cowpokes boarded the train to defend it, however the defensive force was not enough after a few of the defenders broke ranks and threw dynamite at other defenders. As the cowpokes were pushed off the train and forced to pay attention to the traitors, the attackers were able to easily pick off the defenders. Once the defenders were picked off the train was vulnerable. The attackers parked a wagon in front of the train and brought it to a stop before taking all of the goods and fleeing into the Roanoke Ridge woods. Lawmen searched the area, but the outlaws were long gone and nowhere to be found.

Cowpoke killed at Emerald Ranch
By Emery Cosberry
Eugene Wegner has admitted to killing a man early this week. “He was on my property and I have a right to defend my property,” Wegner explained. Friends of the dead man said he had become increasingly interested in the life of Miriam, Eugene Wegner’s daughter. “He was always talking about something not being right about her,” his friend said, “she never came out and anyone asking about her was treated hostilely.” New Hanover authorities responded to the killing but said all of the evidence supports Mr. Wegner’s explanation of self defense. “Miriam is Mr. Wegner’s daughter and therefore his concern, nosy cowpokes would do well to remember that,” the lawman in charge of the investigation said.

The Circus NOT in Saint Denis
By Mickey Z (Freelancer)
Readers, we often report awful things. From hate crimes to massacres. Today, however, we report something merely strange. A flock of clowns, magicians, strongmen, sword swallowers, mimes fire-eaters, and lion tamers has descended down on Saint Denis. But not for the circus and are not even connected to the Circus that just arrived in the Five States; Instead they are taking advantage of the Circus’ arrival and are here for a political protest.

Many believe the Government is failing us, instead shifting resources to the State of San Andreas far to the west. And to protest this, every fool in the five states has taken to sending photos of their shenanigans in protest.
As of now, the tomfoolery has yet to receive an official acknowledgement from the government, however the Circus touring the region has attempted to distance themselves from the protest saying, “we’re just here to clown around and have fun.”

Bird watchers fail to find targeted bird second week in a row
By Mathilde Orry
Miss Pearl Kemper has expressed more concern than frustration over the lack of sightings of particular birds. Last week, not a single hawk was spotted by bird watchers across all of New Austin. This week, the crane goes unseen in the Bayou. Many bird watchers are disheartened and Miss Kemper is concerned that this is a sign of possible extinction. “Nobody saw a hawk last week. Nobody sees a crane this week. Something is wrong.” Animal populations in the Five States have been known to suddenly collapse. Is this a collapse nobody noticed until Miss Kemper started looking for specific birds? Miss Kemper has vowed to continue to document these majestic birds and note their unexpected absence.

“For next week, I am asking bird watchers to look for hawks across the Five States as well as Cranes in Lemoyne. We must find evidence of the birds’ existence or assume they have gone extinct,” Miss Kemper said. To avoid leaving on a sour note, Miss Kemper pointed out that other birds were spotted. This included a herons as well as two rare spoonbills (seen below).

Dominating performance shows what many love about baseball: comeback stories
By Rutherford X. Downing
Since the 1860s, baseball has grown in popularity across the country. Started as a way to pass time by soldiers during the Civil War, baseball exploded in popularity and led to the formation of the National Association of Base Ball Players. Though this amateur league was short lived, nearly 400 baseball clubs had been members. The fervor for baseball in American has not yet died down as records continue to be set and fans are amazed by displays of nerve and raw talent. In one such display, Red Donahue of the Philadelphia Phillies threw a no-hitter against the Boston Braves. The 25 year old was elated coming off the field after such a commanding performance. The amazing part is that nobody expected such a dominant game from Donahue, who in last year’s season lost 35 games, setting a league record that he is not proud of. This surprising display of skill may signal that Donahue has hit his stride, or it could just have been a good day.

Boy raised by wolves discovered in India
By Humphrey Harker
A startling trend has risen in the last decade in India: young feral children discovered living in the jungle as animals. Sir William Henry Sleeman documented such feral children as early as 1851, however there has been in increase in such sightings. Recently a boy was discovered in Shajampur who had been found walking on all fours with a pack of wolves. The boy was rescued from his wild life and is now being taught how to be a civilized young man. However, many warn that reintegration is not so easy for these feral children. Those children whose stories have been documented have been sad, where the children barely function as adult members of society. No evidence of feral adults has been found, suggesting these feral children rarely, if ever, survive into adulthood. Expeditions are preparing to scour the jungle in hopes of rescuing others. Interest in feral children has risen since the publishing of The Jungle Book three years ago. The feral child that inspired that tale grew up to be an avid smoker, proving even feral children can mature into civilized adults. Sadly, he died the same year the book was published of tuberculosis.

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