Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Just over three decades after the end of the Civil War, folks begin arguing over the border between the Union and the Confederacy, and other state lines
By Adam Parvey
Cartographers have recently begun to debate the accuracy of maps from the Civil War era. Disputes over state borders are as old as the nation is, with many states having claimed to own land that other bordering states have also claimed to own. Most of these disputes have been settled, however, as the states have formed in the union of a single nation. This dispute is different, as it is not between the states but between cartographers with differing visions of what the nation looked like during the War Between the States. While it is mostly well documented which states fought for which sides, some localities have disputed their involvement. For some cartographers, this means that the borders we know are not nearly as clear. “We know which side New Austin was on, but does that mean all of Hennigan’s Stead was on the same side? And what of West Elizabeth?” a cartographer asked. West Elizabeth has been the focus of several cartographers, who debate whether the state was split during the war. “My map is based on records I obtained from the West Elizabeth Governor’s office, which plainly state that West Elizabeth was entirely with the Northern states,” said cartographer Fay Wright. However, her rival cartographer Stillman Trummel claims that is not entirely true.
“The southern half of the West Elizabeth almost certainly sided with the Confederacy, there are several correspondences between the Confederate Army in New Austin and Blackwater,” said Trummel. Trummel elaborated further that these messages referenced “West Elizabeth south of the Upper Montana” as being loyal to “the Confederacy and the true soul of the nation.” According to Trummel, West Elizabeth’s governor has an incentive to hide this fact, seeing as how the Confederacy lost. With so many records destroyed or lost, some cartographers have said it will be decades before we know the true alignments of localities along the accepted border between the Union and the Confederacy.
The disagreement has even spread beyond Civil War era borders. Other cartographers have attempted to rename entire areas of the region. One map maker called the Roanoke Ridge area “Mordor,” a word that does not mean anything. Another map maker said, “it doesn’t really matter, right? We all live in America.” A truer sentiment could not be said, especially as we celebrate this 4th of July holiday. It does not matter whether you claim to live in the “Sand,” “Gondor,” or even “Endor,” in the end Five Staters are all living in America.
Nathaniel Cross spotted near Tumbleweed, rescues ill equipped campers
By Alois Burditt
Last week, bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross attended the trial of Mark Gull, who had been accused of being the Grey Cowboy. Cross attended as the arresting bounty hunter. However, early into the hearing it was Cross who was accused of being the Grey Cowboy. Cross has yet to be brought up on official charges, though Gull was released following a ‘not guilty’ verdict being read. Cross left the courthouse without comment. The bounty hunter was seen near Tumbleweed this week by a group of three campers who had come under attack. “It was night time so we set up camp and started cooking dinner with some trouble makers started circling us and firing guns in the air,” one of the campers said. The men admitted to not being great shots, but were prepared to defend themselves when Cross showed up.
“He came out of nowhere it seemed like, we heard more shots and didn’t realize we had help until we looked out and saw the oultaws falling off their horses,” said another camper. One man ran at the camp with a torch but was shot in the arm, falling and dropping the torch on themselves and then burning to death. When the last of the attackers were killed, Cross checked on the campers to ensure they were okay. “I recognized him from the papers,” said one of the witnesses, “not sure if he’s a vigilante or not but he’s a good man and hope he doesn’t get arrested.” Cross’ whereabouts are currently unknown, so a comment for this story could not be obtained.
Woman driving train killed after abandoning train in Ambarino
By Caylen V. Hornby
An unnamed woman was killed this weekend. She had taken over the train at Emerald Station from another temporary conductor. To offer the limited number of train conductors a break, the BHTNC offered gold nuggets to cowpokes willing to take up short portions of the journey. Though not an official rule, most cowpokes who participate choose to always return the train to the next station both for the courtesy of the passengers and to make it easier for the next cowpoke to drive the train for the next stretch of track. The unnamed woman, however, abandoned the train in Ambarino. “I was traveling through the area when I heard the train come to a stop and chose to investigate,” the anonymous witness said. They became curious because there are no active stations in the area and so no reason for the train to be stopping. “I came across a woman exiting the train and I asked why she wasn’t taking the train to the next station,” the cowpoke said. According to the witness, the woman laughed and said, “because my stretch is done honey.”
The witness grew frustrated by her lack courtesy and shot her in the head. “I had already driven the train for my allotted stretch, but she didn’t sit right with me,” the witness said. They then boarded the train and drove it to the next station, leaving the woman’s body in the wilderness. It was recovered hours later, mostly scavenged by wild animals.
Locals complain about excess smoke coming from the Blackwater Saloon
By Nick McCrary
On Thursday several Blackwater residents filed complaints at the police department over excessive smoke. “Smoking is a pretty common thing, but folks were saying it was far more than usual,” said a policeman. No policemen were sent to investigate, as Chief of Police Benjamin Lambert said, “smoking ain’t against the law, nor is excessive smoking.” One resident complained directly to one of the smokers, who just finished his 5th cigarette in a row. The smoking cowpoke just laughed and said, “this is America, I’ll decide when my smoking is excessive,” as he casually rest his free hand on his pistol. The complaining resident quickly withdrew themselves from the saloon.
Other witnesses pointed out that it was not just the saloon where heavy smokers hung out. Nearly all over town cowpokes were reported chain smoking cigars and cigarettes. Authorities have no concern regarding a rise in smoking, citing several doctors who have said smoking is completely safe.
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Man Attempts Suicide with Volcanic Pistol, Fails to Take Life!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Coal mining is a tough job; I don’t believe anyone would argue otherwise. It’s tough enough that some people try to find any way to get out of the profession. Joseph Lee is a poor Annesburg miner, and he attempted to get out with an old sidearm.
Decades ago, he purchased a Volcanic Pistol, said to be state of the art at the time. He carried it with him for protection year after year, although he never needed to use it. But last week, he finally found a use for it. He sat at the coffee table and waited for his wife to leave and buy some food. He pulled out the pistol, placed it against his temple, and pulled the trigger.
His wife Martha returned hours later to find Joseph lying face down on the table. He panicked and ran to him… only to discover he was still breathing. A doctor was called, and within a few hours, he was up and moving again.
Some would claim divine intervention, but the answer to this conundrum is more straightforward than you think. If you were to buy a Volcanic Pistol right now, it would perform adequately. These newer models managed to fix an old problem with the gun, namely that the weapon was grossly underpowered. At close range, the bullets would literally bounce off the skin.
Joseph Lee is alive today only because he used an outdated firearm; just about any other gun would have done the job correctly. Perhaps such luck is divine intervention, although if so, our higher power certainly has a unique sense of humor.
Mae Stanton, the last of the “Three Widows” at large brought to justice
By Emery Cosberry
Two bounty hunters captured Mae Stanton this week using deception. Stanton has been a difficult woman to capture, with her guards being wary of any stranger who travels near her. Over the last several weeks several dead cowpokes have been found near locations Stanton was believed to be hiding. The bounty hunters who captured her managed to steel a wagon from her allies and pose as outlaws themselves. Though the ruse was unsuccessful once the bounty hunters approached Stanton’s hirelings, it worked well enough to get them close. One of the bounty hunters remarked the guards yelled out a warning, but Stanton was unable to exit the house she was holed up in. A gunfight ensued, resulting in one of the bounty hunters being shot in the arm but the rest of the guards left dead. Stanton was found taking cover in a second floor room. It is believed the guards were the last on the Widows’ payroll, as the bounty hunters were not pursued. The women were wanted for murder, having each conspired to assist in killing each other’s husbands.
Man turns on business partner, stabbing and shooting him long after he died
By Aloysius Levron
A unidentified man was arrested for murder just outside of Saint Denis. The man was raving and screaming, “You have to end him! He keeps getting up!” “Two of my police officers arrested the man when they came across him stabbing a dead body over and over,” said Chief of Police Benjamin Lambert. The unnamed man was described as being stuck in some kind of psychosis, a condition which entails a mental derangement. “He claimed his victim was still alive, laughing and talking about Limpy Pete and Phil the Crab,” Chief Lambert explained. “As for motive,” Chief Lambert said, “he claimed he was tired of hearing the same stories over and over and couldn’t take it anymore.” The victim was shot, kicked, stabbed, and even set on fire. The body was in such a state of desecration that it could not be identified. “Based on the killer’s comments, we strongly believe it was his trade partner who was killed,” said Chief Lambert. The man’s identity is being kept secret until the investigation is complete.
Two men threaten a woman near Lagras and pay the price
By Emeline Vickroy
A witness reported that two men on a boat came ashore and one of them immediately what looked like a rifle at a woman. The witness was not close enough to hear what was said between the two parties, but did say the gunman did not immediately fire his weapon. The woman appeared to have not taken the gunman seriously, as she punched him in the face. The gunman was knocked off balance and by the time he recovered, he found a pistol aimed at his head. However, the woman did not waste time and pulled the trigger, killing her attacker. The man’s friend started to get off the boat when the woman aimed at him and killed him with a single shot to the head. “She was an impressive gunman, or gunmwoman I suppose,” said the witness, “under pressure and still got two kills with just two shots.” One body was recovered, however, the second was lost to the bayou, likely becoming alligator food.
Broadway Starlets Battle for Popularity
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Few things can bring joy to a New Yorker than a Broadway War. A classic showdown of two rising stars on the wicked stage, battling for the will of the people. The two subjects of this conflict are unique in that they are known for kindness and generosity, not pomp and circumstance.
Donna O’Hennessy is a middle-aged Broadway queen, having been around since the earliest days of New York musicals. She is well known for her beautiful soprano voice, stunning smile, and her big heart. She has been known to spend hours talking to people after shows, behavior not often associated with actors and actresses. She is quite regal and reserved, not the type of person to loudly announce her presence, unlike her rival.
Alcina Robertson is new to the stage, having only started five years ago. She is notable for being over six feet, often towering over other actors. If O’Hennessy is quiet and humble, Robertson is loud and proud. Many a stage goer has expressed shock at how downright silly she is. There is no joke she won’t make, often at her own expense. Yet she also paradoxically is humble too; she has championed causes for the downtrodden that have occasionally brought controversy. A minor riot was caused when she strongly expressed support for women that love other women!
Neither actress has officially met, but both are most certainly competing for the spotlight. From insider reports, it seems each actress sees this war as a friendly competition, not something to get worked up about. A friendly Broadway War? There’s a first for everything.
Thaddeus Waxman reminds the nation of his victories in the Spanish-American war, does he have presidential aspirations?
By Frederick Vannesse
Though the war with Spain is over, Thaddeus Waxman continues to remind Americans of his victories. The Senator has boasted about routing Spanish forces with his Rugged Riders mounted cavalry unit. More than once Waxman and the Rugged Riders were able to turn the battle around, such as the battle of San Juan Hill. Political analysts are not surprised by Waxman’s long memory regarding the war with Spain, having long believed that Waxman had his eyes on elected office higher than Senator. The speculation now is that Waxman intends to run for President in 1900. Though President McKinley is of the same party and in the middle of his first term, it is believed Waxman wasn’t to be the one to usher the nation into a new century. Officially, however, a smokesman for Waxman has stated that Waxman has no intentions of ousting McKinley from office and would not even consider a run for president until McKinley leaves office of his own accord.
The small village of Karalar mourns their hero, the Terrible Turk
By Ivy Seager
Though American fans of wrestling saw him as the invading villain, the people of Karalar saw the Terrible Turk, also billed as Youssouf Ishmaelo, as just Yusef Ismail. The powerful man impressed his small village early on and the people of Karalar were proud to see their own Yusef Ismail dominate and humiliate well known wrestlers. The people of Karalar, it was not about dominating America so much as it was about seeing one of their own succeed in the world abroad. While news travels slowly to the village, the people of Karalar eagerly anticipated any news about Ismail’s exploits. That eager anticipation was met with bad news following the sinking the SS La Bourgogne, which Ismail was aboard. While the his death left a hold in the wrestling world, it left a chasm in the small village of Karalar.
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