Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
New criticisms launched at the BHTNC: Cowpokes claim the group acts like royalty while treating Five States residents like peasants
By Adam Parvey
For the last year the BHTNC has struggled to maintain the support of Five States residents. After a long battle over corruption allegations regarding the bounty hunters program, the BHTNC seemed to put the bad press behind them. They rebranded and started to rebuild their reputation by investing in the Five States. It appears the good faith the group gained recently is already starting to fade. “These fellas living large like stars, bragging about their revenues and such, but they have forgotten about us, the folks working hard to make THEM money,” said one resident. Another echoed the sentiment, “it’s like they don’t care about us, they offer support for half measures and make us pay for more of the same. Eventually there won’t be any of us left for them to lie too.” Several residents have admitted to being former residents, on visiting the Five States on occasion, some daily and some more far less than that. “I spend most of my time in West Virginia, near the Appalachian mountains.” Others have reported visiting Los Santos and even admitting to getting lost in fantasy worlds. “I read this amazing book about a place called Tamriel, I imagine I’m there sometimes,” a cowpoke said. Another person offered an optimistic but vague comment, stating, “I have just started going outside, you know, the real outside.”
The BHTNC has not commented on the criticisms directly, and in response to a comment for this article, they sent a short message that said: “The BHTNC remains committed to the Five States. Rumors to the contrary are just that, rumors. Expansions will come to those who wait. Probably.”
Fist fight over stray dog ends with a knocked out cowpoke baking in the desert sun
By Alois Burditt
Two cowpokes collided when both tried to follow the same stray dog. The story was learned about when the loser of the collision walked into Armadillo with sun blistered skin. He was dehydrated and barely coherent. After some rest, he described spotting a stray dog barking and figured he would, follow the dog to some hidden treasure. “I see them dogs and mostly they know of hidden treasures,” the man said with a raspy voice, “but there was another fella already there.” The two got into a fist fight almost immediately. “I had a bit to drink, so well, I wasn’t quite prepared for a fight,” the man admitted. He said he put up a good fight for several minutes before a punch to the gut his air out. He fell to the floor and the last thing he remembered was a boot hitting his face.
As clean water is not common in Armadillo, rest was all the man was able to get. He jumped on his horse and road east toward McFarlane’s Ranch, where he said he could get a drink of water. He refused any aid, saying, “getting me ass kicked was humbling enough, I need to get on the road alone.” I investigated the area the man said he the fight happened and found the signs of a fight. I followed a path and found a man lying dead and relieved of personal effects. Though I was unable to confirm the dead man’s identity, it seems likely it is the winner of the fist fight was ambushed and killed. Seems losing a fist fight and left to bake in the desert sun was better the winning the fight only to be killed moments later.
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Can also do all three!
Fort Mercer tours bring many cowpokes to the abandoned fort
By Wylie Frey
In an attempt to improve revenue in New Austin, the BHTNC has sponsored tours of historic locations. The state is full of battle sites that leaders in New Austin hope will draw visitors, who will in turn spend money in the state. This week, tours of Fort Mercer proved to be very popular. The fort was built to defend against an invasion from Mexico and staffed throughout the Civil War. In recent years, however, the abandoned fort has frequently been taken over by outlaws, most notably by the outlaw Teddy Brown, who was killed at the very location (allegedly by Mrs. Jessica LeClerk, whom is still at large). Tourists of various interests, therefore, have been eager to explore the fort under the protection of official tours. Unfortunately, the tours are not scheduled regularly in large part due to the dangerous outlaws in the area who have to be frequently pushed out of the fort. The BHTNC has warned interested individuals to wait for official tours and to not go to the fort alone.
Collectors visit Madam Nazar only to be assaulted with noxious gas
By Jane Duran
A pair of folks who make a living collecting rare items and selling them to Madam Nazar were accosted this week by a “putrid smelling vapor.” The two had just finished their business with Madam Nazar near Window Rock and riding off when a bottle landed in front of them and exploded. A cloud of gas expanded from the broken bottle, obscuring their sight and making breathing difficult. “Though I couldn’t see, I heard the sounds of additional bottles breaking,” said one of the victims. Their horses got agitated, likely being affected by the cloud they were enveloped in as well. “It took all of our will to stay focused and keep our horses calm,” the other collector said, “and so we got our horses turned around and rode back toward Madam Nazar.”
Eventually the bottles stopped being thrown and the pair rode all the way to the nearby river. “We had to wash off our own faces and our horses, poor creatures,” said one of the collectors. After washing off, they opted to continue south of the river instead of riding west in case the attackers were still there waiting. A posse formed at Emerald Ranch when the collectors reported the story, however, all the posse found in the area were the broken bottles.
Federal agents massacred at Beecher’s Hope
By Nick McCrary
After the discovery of a buried sniper rifle at the property called Beecher’s Hope, federal agents were rejuvenated in their hunt for the Great Plains Sniper. Despite there being no solid evidence linking the gun to the Sniper, the federal agents have been optimistic. This week, they may have confirmed the link, though through an unintentional means. Nearly two dozen agents arrived in Blackwater early Thursday morning and together rode out to Beecher’s Hope. They began searching the property systematically, leaving no stone unturned. They were literally picking up stones to ensure nothing was hidden beneath them. No evidence had been found, however, the agents were found. In the afternoon gunfire started raining down on the agents. In the first minute it is believed almost half a dozen of the agents were shot and killed.
Agents reacted quickly, riding hard to the source of the shots. “It was a little eerie,” said a surviving agent, “the shots just stopped as we rode toward where they came from.” The agents arrived and found a body slumped over with a rifle on the floor. One of the agents pushed the slumped body over just as others heard the distinct hissing sound. “It was too late, it blew us up,” said the survivor, who only survived because he was behind two agents who took the blunt of the blow. The survivor was rendered unconscious at that point. The remaining agents at Beecher’s Hope looked toward the explosion when the firing started again, this time from a different direction. Agents took cover and a few managed to survive, though most were killed. The next day an agent from Washington arrived in Blackwater, investigating the finding of the gun that brought the agents to Beecher’s Hope. The person who found it was missing, though his name in the report was George Paul Smith, which are the same initials as Great Plains Sniper. The agent concluded it was a setup and promptly pulled all federal agents out of West Elizabeth until further notice.
Five State Moose, do they Really Exist?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The mighty moose, an icon of Canada and, to a lesser extent, the West itself. Truly a majestic creature, beloved by most who gaze upon it. That being approximately the same amount of people who see fairies and goblins. This reporter has to ask simply, do moose exist?
I know there are many stories of unique moose, black as night or as white as snow. Photos of those have ironically been taken of more than the standard bull moose! It’s only once in a blue moon does a hunter come back with moose horns. There have only been three confirmed moose photos in the Five States. It makes one wonder if moose even live in these lands.
There have been more reported sightings of panthers in the Five States. If someone said a leopard or a lion was on the loose in the Five States, I’d believe it more. Lord almighty, there are actually more stories about a fabled giant catfish in New Austin than moose. I strongly feel that the travel guides advertising the Five States needs a new edition. One that doesn’t prominently display a moose on the front!
So dear reader, if you see a moose out in a place like West Elizabeth or New Hanover, do care to take a photo. Otherwise, some people might presume your spinning yarn like an old man circling the drain of eternity.
Naturalist sedates animal, then runs it over with their horse by accident
By Emery Cosberry
A naturalist sent themselves into a downward spiral of despair after running over an animal they had just sedated. “It happened so fast, the rabbit darted back in front of me before passing out,” the naturalist said, “but I couldn’t stop in time and ran the poor creature over.” After resting at camp and having a drink of whiskey, the naturalist decided to visit Miss Harriet Davenport to both turn in several blood samples and to seek solace for what she had done. Miss Davenport was already aware of the naturalist’s actions and refused business with her. “I.. I couldn’t believe it,” the naturalist admitted, “I heard of her not working with folks but never thought it would be me, it was an accident!” The naturalist was unable to sell her samples to Miss Davenport, who sprayed the naturalist with a hallucinogenic liquid. “I woke up angry and confused, and alone,” the naturalist said. They then retreated to Saint Denis, to continue to bury their sorrows with whiskey.
Education in Lemoyne, A Bright and Shining Lie
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Education is a cornerstone of this nation. For who can walk proudly ahead without knowing what came before? Each state is a little different in how it teaches the youth, some good, some bad. Recently a study by a Washington DC reporter claims that the state of Lemoyne ranks pretty close to the bottom in quality.
Neil Sullivan works with numbers for a living. He usually works with political campaigns to roughly guess what the people think of a president. Sullivan recently worked with the MacAlister administration to see if his attempted assassination made anyone like him more. Why he suddenly decided to look at education in this country is anyone’s guess. The results were disappointing if you live in the deep south.
Former Confederate states lag far behind Union states across the board. Lemoyne is ranked third worst, beaten only by West Virginia and Tennessee. The biggest issue in Lemoyne education pertains to how history is taught. According to Sullivan, the majority of the study is on the years 1861 through 1865 and how glorious it was. No mention is made about slavery; the Union is cartoonishly caricatured, there isn’t even an attempt to disguise the adoration that a sitting president was shot dead.
Politicians in Lemoyne have responded as expected, either having not read the report or condemn it as Yankee propaganda. The only way change will happen, is if President MacAlister signs into effect a nationwide education bill. But that seems more than a little unlikely, after facing war, attempted murder, warring industrialists, and whatever that French diplomatic incident was.
Bounty hunters pick up new hobby: sharing pictures taken of living bounties
By Adam Parvey
All over the Five States bounty hunters have been gathering outside of jails and near bounty boards sharing pictures of living, but captured, bounties. The trend began when the BHTNC started offering gold bonuses to bounty hunters for pictures that contained living bounties. At the time, the BHTNC stated that the bonus was to encourage more bounty hunters to capture bounties alive instead of just killing them. “While those with bounties have already been found guilty, it is always preferable to have Justice served by the state and not bounty hunters, so we encourage living captures,” read a statement from the BHTNC at the time the gold bonuses were announced. It turns out several bounty hunters took to the challenge and enjoyed capturing the captured on film. Many have continued to collect such pictures and share them with fellow bounty hunters when the occasion arises.
“It’s a point of pride, you see,” said one bounty hunter, “showing off a picture six hogtied outlaws is a way to tell other bounty hunters that I’m probably their better.” Though many lawmen have expressed concern and doubt over the picture trend. “That fella shows off lots of pictures of captured, living, men,” said Valentine Sheriff Curtis Malloy pointing to a bounty hunter standing outside the gunstore, “but he don’t bring many living men to Justice, if you know what I mean.” I investigated this claim and found that a small number of bounty hunters do appear to take pictures of living bounties, only to kill them afterwards before dumping them off at the local jail. The BHTNC said such tactics are not the goal of the gold bonus program, “but sometimes bad apples are just bad apples.” When asked if they were concerned about bad apples spoiling the bunch, the BHTNC said, “people are not apples, so no, they won’t spoil each other.”
Wrestling event at The Met ends in brawl before anticipated contest can even start
By Frederick Vannesse
Wrestling fans in America have been wowed and frustrated by the feats of Youssouf Ishmaelo, otherwise known as the Terrible Turk. The wow comes from his amazing strength, the frustration comes from that strength being used to trounce American favorites. No wrestler, no matter how strong or wily, has been able to defeat the Terrible Turk. Lightweight wrestler George Bothner failed to use his speed and agility to mount any offense against the Turk saying, “He was a modern Hercules…he was as quick as a jungle cat and master of all holds.” Ishmaelo remained undefeated during his U.S. tour until his disqualification in a match against Ernest Roeber. The match was much like Ishmaelo’s previous matches, where he manhandled Roeber with ease. In an impressive, but violent, display, the Terrible Turk flung Roeber out of the ring onto the fans. This was deemed barbaric and warranted a disqualifation. The fans nearly broke out in a riot that day, calling for Ishmaelo to be attacked. Roeber eventually woke up and Ishmaelo was escorted out of the arena by police. The rematch between Roeber and Ishmaelo was highly anticipated but never got started.
The two combatants met at the Opera House of the Met and began shoving each other. The managers could not get the wrestlers to wrestle and soon members of the audience rushed the ring. A brawl broke out between fans and no matter how many times the bell was rung, order could not be restored. The event was canceled and it was announced that wrestling events will not be held at the Met again. The Terrible Turk’s manager said he will not be chased away and will continue his U.S. tour and defeat any champion brave enough to stand against him.
Haunting poem offers glimpse of prison life
By Ivy Seager
The poem, called the Ballad of Reading Gaol, was published by Leonard Smithers and Co. under the name C.3.3. The name refers to the writer’s to the cell at the Reading Gaol prison, which was cell block 3, landing 3, cell 3. The identity of the writer is currently unknown, which seems to be part of the mystique surrounding the poem. It tells the tale of an execution by hanging the writer and other prisoners witnessed. Though the inmate to be executed is a convicted murderer, the writer seems to have a sympathy and an admiration for him. The sympathy because no matter the punishments bestowed upon him, none can be greater than the guilt of knowing what he has done. As the writer puts it, all men “kill the thing they love.” The admiration comes from the prisoner’s acceptance of their fate. While other prisoners, who are not scheduled for execution, bemoan their life in prison, the man to be executed is resigned to their fate and accepting that death comes for him. Despite his impending doom, the writer sees the him as better off.
Aside from focus on the execution, the writer refers to prison life as well. Particularly haunting is his description of how their nights are spent; not longing for freedom as some may expect but grappling with the ghosts of their past. For the writer, these are not just memories but real things that must be dealt properly. While the writer’s identity is being highly protected, it is known that he was imprisoned for “gross indecency” after he was accused of having an affair with the son of a well to do lord. The writer is said to no longer be in the Reading Gaol prison, but has been given his freedom to live out the rest of his life.
The Five States Herald 