Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Naturalist training program boosts fledgling naturalists experience
By Adam Parvey
The Five States Naturalist program has come under a considerable amount of ciriticism. While naturalists led by Harriet Davenport praise the program as, “necessary in a time of wonton hunting,” many have said the BHTNC has failed to support the profession. “The Naturalist program is ran by an independent partner, much like the collector profession, where we brought in an expert to guide aspiring new collectors,” a spokesman for the BHTCN said, “Miss Davenport serves this role for naturalists and so we let her do things as she sees fit.” Despite taking this position for weeks, the BHTNC has softened a bit, and this week offered a Naturalist Training Program. “The goal of the program is to help new naturalists gain experience at a pace that feels like less of a grind,” the spokesmen for the BHTNC said. New naturalists have enjoyed the training program. “Honestly, I felt lost with this job, I mean what am I doing with these samples? Why is Harriet mad at me for defending myself from a bear? I almost gave up, but this program kept me going, at least for this week,” said a naturalist who had only just gotten their start.
Veteran naturalists have complained, however, that this program does nothing for those who have kept at the job despite its shortcomings. “Surely there is more to this, right?” asked one naturalist, “when will the BHTNC support bringing equipment to us to analyze the blood ourselves?” Others have tied this to common complaints over the lack of property rights. Very few residents are allowed to own property in the Five States, leaving most cowpokes to ive in the wilderness. “If only we were allowed to buy property, well I could have my own lab and wouldn’t need to deal with Harrieat at all,” a cowpoke told me. Harriet Davenport seemed shocked by people’s displease with her. “I don’t understand their complains, if you kill an animal, you’re monster,” she said, “hide or run, just don’t kill them. You could also try staying in a tent, like me, but then how would you get me samples?” Miss Davenport was a bit erratic and asked that we not print the last line, but I have an obligation to cover what is said on the official record.
Nathaniel Cross “disappears” for several days
By Alois Burditt
Early this week bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross rode out of Tumbleweed headed East. While one witness said they assumed Cross was headed out to search for the Grey Cowboy, nobody actually knew where he went off to. The last witness that spotted Cross saw him riding through Armadillo, though Cross did not stop. Cross was not seen again until Saturday night when he rode back into Tumbleweed. Upon return, Cross did not speak with anyone but did stop at the saloon where he dropped off two bottles of alcohol. The entire town soon joined in drinking and where Cross had been became a forgotten topic. I tried to get a comment from Cross for this article, but he refused to speak with me. He did allow me a glass of the alcohol he brought. It was not like anything I had tasted before and had a fruity taste, with notes of strawberry and evergreen huckleberries along with a hint of a flavor I could not place. There was no denying how tasty it was, but it did nothing to explain where Cross was or how his hunt for the Grey Cowboy is going.
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Risk taker loses life when friend’s fight or flight response turns to flight
By Jane Duran
Several cowpokes across the Five States have started to explore unique ways to have fun. One common game a few have started playing is jumping off a bridge while their friend lassos them with a rope. When done right, the jumping participant is caught by the ankle and instead of plummeting to their death, they dangle by the ankle. Two friends were taking turns hanging upside down when tragedy struck. “I… it was my fault but it wasn’t intentional, I had him securely you understand,” said Odis Fennell. Over the next several minutes he managed to describe to me what happened. He caught his friend, Jordan, properly and held him securely while slowly pulling him back up. However, he heard the distant noise of a train’s whistle warning of its approach. “I.. I’m not proud of it, but I panicked,” Odis admitted. On instinct, he dropped the rope and jumped off the rails, hanging onto the side of the Bacchus Bridge. He described his heart beating rapidly as he hung there, holding on for dear life.
“When the train became a distant sound I realized what I had done,” said Odis somberly. His friend Jordan had plummeted to his death while Odis was evading the train. Though it was an accident, Odis was arrested for the incident. “He didn’t resist,” said the deputy, “I’ve seen folks like this, guilt is more punishing than a cage sometimes.” As of press time, Odis had not reached out for a lawyer or indicated that he would fight the conviction at all. Authorities are considering a guard rail to prevent future mishaps, as Bacchus Bridge is often the site of daring feats that lead to death.
Bootlegger evades revenuers, leaves dozens of bodies behind
By Nick McCrary
Revenuers pulled over a man in overalls wearing a fake beard. When the agent looked into the wagon, the man with the fake beard fired on him with a shotgun. One of the surviving agents said they were caught off guard, as they did not expect trouble from the man. “He seemed to be of the not dangerous sort,” the agent said. He only survived because he was shot in the shoulder, which sent him behind a wagon, where he was not seen by the bootlegger. The bootlegger rode off quickly, leaving the fake straw beard behind. Other agents heard the gunshots and quickly have pursuit, whoever they were all killed. Authorities quickly dispatched to known drop off locations, but no wagon arrived. Authorities have no leads.
New residents joins established cowpokes for delivery, amazed at earnings
By Adam Parvey
A greenhorn trader was shocked this week when they joined up with an experienced group of traders. “I had been in a saloon and overheard them talking about their next delivery and about needing an extra gun,” the trader said, “so I offered my services.” The delivery was a much longer trip than they were used to. “I tend to stick to local deliveries, a bit safer,” they said. The longer distance of the delivery was entirely uneventful for the posse of traders. “We were all ready and had our guns out, but nobody came,” said the greenhorn. Arriving at the delivery, however, the traders quickly realized the peace was over. A group of men had the buyers pinned down with gunfire. The traders arrived and quickly went to work. The wagon driver pushed forward, running one of the attackers over before leaping out of the wagon to pull out their own gun. The gunfight lasted for several minutes, but the attackers were successfully fought off and the delivery was made in full.
“Never expected to be able to hit the $200 goal in a single trip!” said the greenhorn trader, “expected at least four or five trips!” Having only recently taken up the trading profession, they still have a ways to go before they will have the resources for larger deliveries. “Don’t matter how long it takes, I learned a lot from these folks,” they said.
Outlaw claims bounty hunters are thieves hiding behind a license
By Emery Cosberry
New criticism of the bounty hunting program has come to light. This time, outlaws do not protest their guilt, but claim they still have rights to property, rights that are violated regularly by bounty hunters. “I have a right to own things,” one outlaw said from behind his jail cell. He alleged that a bounty hunted killed all of his friends, then began stealing their stuff. “He took my stuff too, after he tied me up like an animal!” the outlaw said. A Valentine deputy questioned the man and learned that most of what was taken was stolen anyway. “If this is true, that bounty hunters are stealing, we have a problem,” the deputy said. He went on to explain that outlaws often take from others. “One of our jobs when we put outlaws in jail is to try and get stolen goods back to the original owners,” the deputy said, “if bounty hunters are stealing these items, that job is going to be harder to do.” Further allegations were made that the BHTNC encourages such behavior, however the BHTNC said the allegations are absurd. “The BHTNC is a law abiding private company that works with law enforcement agencies,” the spokesman said,” we do not encourage breaking the law but we do encourage stopping criminals.”
The allegations could not be confirmed independently. However, the bounty hunting program has a very low return on stolen goods. “This is not something that can be blamed on bounty hunters or the BHTNC,” said the BHTNC spokesman said, “outlaws likely fenced the good before they were captured.” When compared to the return rate of stolen goods by law enforcement, the low return by bounty hunters seems even more shocking. “We are able to return most goods back to the owners when we are the ones who capture the outlaw,” said the deputy, “but these bounty captures are almost always relieved of all possessions.”
Pinkerton fighting crime?
By Tom Collins (Freelancer)
I first met Austin purely by accident. It was truly a bizarre meeting, and one that I would hope sincerely not to repeat. This time however, it was much more pleasant, and so much more civilized. It was hard not to mistake him for someone else once you’ve met him. The orientals in Saint Denis dressed in their clothing most of the time. Austin however was wearing the usual Pinkerton suit, a black suit with a black vest, a white French collared dress shirt and of course his usual odd choice of a striped tie instead of the usual Pinkerton black. With the black bowler hat on, he might have been mistaken for a lawyer or a banker if not for the black leather belt around his waist holding his dual gold and black trimmed pistols. I had asked him why the striped blue tie, and he just laughed and told me “Because people thought he was the mortician.” Of course, I would not be surprised if the Pinkerton Detective had handled more corpses than the mortician.
I asked him what he was doing in Saint Denis as I knew him to live out of a hotel room in Rhodes. He just smiled and told me to enjoy my drink before walking away. His partner, a red headed woman in a suit was waiting outside. Mighty progressive I do declare, Pinkerton hiring women for what has generally been a mans’ job. I am not complaining, I have seen what she can do with a revolver.
The next time I saw him in Saint Denis, he was standing next to an alleyway, pistol in hand by his side as his partner shoved a man past in handcuffs. The man was swearing, calling the two of them every name in the book. I saw Austin gesture for his partner to set the man down on the ground. I expected of course, the usual sort of whistling for the police or something. Instead, the Pinkerton Detective straightened his suit jacket and proceeded to lay down some carefully placed kicks into the man’s stomach and legs before knocking him out with a well placed heel to the forehead. I had looked at him questioningly and he simply said “Just because he’s a murderer doesn’t mean that he needs to be rude.” The unconscious man was tossed onto the back of a rather stunning Missouri Fox Trotter horse. Austin holstered his pistol and tipped his hat to me and left.
The next day, I read in the papers about a man named Jonathan Harkin who was arrested by the Saint Denis Police Department for one of the members of a recently discovered gang of murderers that killed their victims and then sold their body parts on the black market for heaven knows what. I put two and two together, especially as I looked at the picture on the newspaper and remembered the face being quite familiar. I thought it was quite a shame that the heel mark on his forehead was not taken down.
This begs me to ask this question then. Has the Saint Denis Police Department started hiring Pinkerton to carry out detective work? I had asked a source of mine in the police but he shook his head dismissively. I feel like however, there is more behind the scenes here. After all, what were Pinkerton detectives doing carrying out arrests in the dead of night? Or perhaps even a better question. Who is paying for them?
Controversial German Writer seen in Saint-Denis
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Sometime this week, the notable and, shall we politely say, controversial writer Agnes Meyers arrived in Saint-Denis. She’s pretty well known in Paris; one could only imagine why she’s left that city. Perhaps they grew tired of her; she has quite the reputation.
Her novels are said to be nearly impenetrable. Both in writing style and in themes. It’s also hard to pin down what makes people love or hate her. Is it the fact she’s quite openly a sapphist? Is it her critiques of democracy that some label as subversive? Is it simply because she’s not a fun person to be around? She certainly someone you have an opinion of, like it or not.
Local writers and artists are already annoyed at having to share a city with Miss Meyers. A Frenchmen already threw an apple at her; I imagine it won’t be the last thing thrown. Perhaps she’s come to this city of industry to get inspiration for another novel. Lord knows there’s plenty of arguments to be made about life if you’ve spent even a day in Saint-Denis. We only hope she doesn’t take to the theater and tries to read from her books; no good will come from that, I’m afraid.
Horse mustaches become fashionable, despite claims that they are unnatural
By Frederick Vannesse
Many cowpokes have cried foul as mustached horses have hit the Five States. At first, only a few horses were spotted with mustaches, but mustached horses have only increased in number over the last several weeks. “I just don’t understand it, mustaches on horses just ain’t natural!” one cowpoke said. However, I spoke to several horse breeders who confirmed that mustaches are, in fact, natural for horses to have. “Many long haired breeds will often grow a mustache, though they are typically trimmed because riders find them to be off-putting,” said the owner of the Valentine Stables, “a lack of mustaches on horses is the result of the delicate sensitivities of Five States cowpokes.” As more and more folks become accustomed to seeing horses with mustaches, many expect it will becoming increasingly common.
Unique Six Toed Cat found in Key West
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Key West is perhaps the most popular city in Florida. It was, of course, the favorite port of call for the ill-fated USS Lewiston. Lots of unique animals are seen there each year, but none quite like this. In the early morning hours of Tuesday, a sailor discovered a stowaway of sorts.
Cats are a sailing man’s best friend. Whether it’s for luck or getting rid of rats, men who sail the seas can’t get enough of them. But this cat was different; he had six toes on each foot. That’s rather abnormal; it’s like finding a woman with three breasts or a man with seven fingers. Instead of being shunned, the little cat has become a local mascot of sorts. People in the Florida area are flocking to see this animal, which still lacks a name as of this writing.
Sailors are by far the most superstitious of people I’ve ever met. You’d almost think they hate the sea from how they talk about it. But they don’t hate this cat, far from it. If anything, they probably want to see more cats with extra digits. It’s doubtful such a creature is the living equivalent of a four-leaf clover, but there’s nothing wrong with loving a cat, I suppose.
US keeps Navy floating around recently acquired territories
By Ivy Seager
The United States has kept its Navy around the Philippines and other small islands that were previously occupied by Spain. The presence of the warships is hardly surprising, given that the United States has taken on the obligation of protecting the fledgling nations. However, residents have wondered if the warships’ presence is meant for intimidation and control. An American volunteer, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said that residents are frightened when they see the ships so close to the shore. “If the ships are there to defend the islands, why not patrol further out? Why just sit idly where the locals can see you?” they asked out of concern. They volunteer explained that the show of force was unnecessary, as the former Spanish colonies have embraced the United States. “While there I have spoken to them about the United States and they really enjoy the story of overthrowing colonization,” they continued, “but I do worry if they will begin to see us as colonizers.”
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