Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Judiciary Decides How to Execute Woman
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
In just a few short days, the trial of Myra Rose Hart begins. But before it begins, the judiciary of Saint-Denis has to make a small but critical decision. Since the outcome is set in stone, how will the city execute a woman? In all the cities history, a woman has never done anything horrible enough to warrant being hanged.
This won’t be the first time a woman has been executed in the United States or even the Five States. Normally they are just hanged like any criminal, but Saint-Denis prides itself on being different. There is a worry that a hanging woman will look unseemly and that perverts may try and catch a glance at her anatomy.
There have been talks of a firing squad, but that idea was likely shot down because it’s usually considered honorable. One staffer for a judge suggested burning on a pyre, but he was laughed out of the room. Miss Hart certainly is dreadful, but witch burnings are a thing of the past.
The judiciary was about to side with a traditional hanging but done in a way to conceal her undergarments when an eccentric man barged into the meeting. He claimed he was a local inventor named Andrew Bell, supposedly the third man with that name. He claimed to be working on a device that will humanely kill a person. The method would use electricity, which has been proven to kill if used improperly. He doesn’t yet have a name for his electrical execution apparatus, but he would be honored to test it on a woman, even someone as vile as Miss Hart.
Surprisingly, this pitch worked. The judiciary of Saint-Denis has agreed that Myra Rose Hart will die via electricity, not hanging. This writer is personally quite skeptical of the merciful aspect of this device. But only by testing it will we know for sure. May God have mercy on her soul when the time comes, and god almighty may it be quick.
Outlaws being pushed out of Gaptooth Ridge by masked vigilante
By Alois Burditt
Residents of Gaptooth Ridge have reported feeling safer than ever and it is not because the famous bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross has taken up residence in the region. “That Cross fellow does alright, but it’s the Grey Cowboy that sends fear into the hearts of criminals,” said a Tumbleweed resident. Several others have confirmed that Cross spends more time playing poker at the Tumbleweed Saloon than he does chasing down bounties these days. One reason for that, says Sheriff Freeman, is outlaws hiding from the masked vigilante the Grey Cowboy. The Grey Cowboy has been traveling the Five Stats for at least a year, breaking up gang hideouts. The first reports regarding the vigilante shared a common trend, he always left the gang leader alive to change their ways. That is no longer the case, as the Grey Cowboy has been reported to kill every outlaw he has come across.
Nobody is sure why the Grey Cowboy has suddenly made western New Austin his new home. Many have suggested that New Austin’s reputation as a lawless state is likely to have brought the Cowboy into the region. Nathaniel Cross had little to say about the masked vigilante, but did offer this, “I think I would like to thank him, I have more time to drink and play poker. What more can a cowboy want?” Another potential reason for the Grey Cowboy’s move to New Austin could be the way Sheriff Freeman treats him. Sheriff Freeman has stated that the Grey Cowboy is safe to work in New Austin so long as he continues taking down outlaws and keeping honest folks safe. This is as close to legitimate status a vigilante can get and so could be a very good reason for the Cowboy’s choice of living arrangements.
Federal investigation into hallucinogenic plant expands into Ambarino
By Jane Duran
A federal agent speaking on a condition of anonymity admitted that the federal government was shocked to learn the hallucinogenic plant known as Harrietum Officinalis can be found outside of West Elizabeth. “A few agents came across the plant while searching for the Great Plains Sniper,” said my informant, “they believed it was only in West Elizabeth, but boy were they wrong.” This admission does no look good for the federal agencies that have recently gotten involved in state affairs in the Five States region. Within the Five States, it is well known that Harrietum Officinalis grows in all five states. That this was news to the federal government exposes their lack of knowledge about the local area they are attempting to police and their general incompetence. None of the federal agencies contacted for a response were willing to make an official reply, though did have something to say as long as I kept their name out of the paper, “that the government is incompetence is now old news.”
WANTED!
Investigators: Travel the Five States and report on what is going on.
Writers: Write the stories investigators find!
Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
Hunter arrested for murder and mutilation in Strawberry
By Daisy Fairman
Local hunter Fielding Barrett was arrested this week for murder and is currently being held at the Strawberry Sheriff station. Mr. Barrett claims to be an innocent man despite the significant evidence against him. The hunter came into Strawberry on a hunting wagon. He stopped near the local butcher to sell some meat. “Ole Fielding had been down on his lucky, lately,” the butcher said, “hadn’t been catching much on his hunting or fishing trips.” This time he was upbeat and said his luck was coming around. “He said he caught a rabbit that he knew was special,” the butcher went on, “said he sensed a difference in it and took the animals foot after killing it.” Mr. Barrett then hunted several more animals and had the carcasses to prove it, according to the butcher. However, as Mr. Barrett discussed his new found lucky rabbit’s foot, he pulled a human body out of the hunting wagon. “He screamed, he did, and then dropped the damn body on the road,” said another witness.
The body was not identified as of press time, but it was noted that the body was missing a foot. The sheriff and a few deputies arrived on the seen and noticed that Mr. Barrett appeared to be in shock. “Would you believe that on his belt was hanging a human foot,” said Sheriff Hanley, “and he had the nerve to act surprised!” Mr. Barrett did not resist arrest and has no spoken in complete sentences since dropping the dead body on the road. According to the sheriff, all he says is, “it was a rabbit,” and, “where’d it go?” Shockinlgy, this is not the first such hunting accident. “Just last week some feller shot a man in the throat with a small arrow, the man survived but was mighty upset,” said a Sheriff Hanley. Mr. Barrett is expected to go to trial within the week. If found guild he will be hanged to death.
Hat sells up following reports of cowpokes shooting hats of travelers
By Adam Parvey
Several reports came in this weekend of travelers minding their own business only to have a cowpoke ride up to them and shoot their hat off. “I was shocked, didn’t expect it as this nice lady rode past me,” said a man who had been driving a wagon through New Hanover, “then she turned around and shot my hat off!” The man said by the time he pulled his own gun out, the woman was gone. His hat, of course, was ruined. Sheriff stations across the Five States have reported dozens, if not hundreds, of such occurrences. “It’s like some folks suddenly have a grudge against hats!” said Sheriff Curtis Malloy of Valentine. In Saint Denis, where residents wear fancy hats that cost more than more folks make in their lifetime, hat shooters are estimated to have caused over $100,000 in damages. Though some say that the estimate is outlandish, as it is based on one woman’s claim that her hat cost $82,000. We were unable to verify any such hat to be that expensive, though someone who has details about the claim added that the $82,000 includes “emotional distress from losing my favorite hat.”
Of course what is bad for one, may be good for another. Tailors were selling more hats than every by Saturday evening. As of press time, several tailors have reported that the trend in increased sells has continued on this morning. “I think it will keep going for a couple days,” said E.H. Kretzschmar, a tailor in Blackwater, “folks come to replace their old hat and then get drawn into shopping our newest arrivals.” Mr. Kretzschmar smiled and proudly stated, “one man came into to replace a $20 hat and he walked out two new coats, a pair of boots, a vest, and three hats!” One anonymous source did provide a nefarious detail. Though this could not be confirmed, this source has been very reliable in the past. They claim that the hat shooting is the result of a few prominent hat makers being members of the BHTNC. “The BHTNC provided folks who shot hats off of travelers a gold bonus,” my source claimed, “use other people’s gold to get others to buy more of your product, great way to stay rich and in power.” The BHTNC said this accusation is absurd.
Man rides canoe down Brandywine Drop, goes as expected
By Van R. Seldon
A man named Ruffus Q. Rowlett promised not to be outdone by the planned barrel ride of Desiree LeFlamme. Ms. LeFlamme has stated that she will ride inside a barrel as it plummets down Donner Falls. Despite the fact that she has yet to complete the daring stunt, many are already calling her the stuntwoman of the century. Mr. Rowlett has criticized the hype, stating, “Desiree has no true plans to make the barrel leap at Donner Falls, she is merely enjoying the notoriety of promising a daring feat.” Mr. Rowlett then promised what he called an even more daring feat. He was to ride a canoe without a paddle down the Brandywine Drop. “A barrel gives you some protection, surely,” Mr. Rowlett said as he stood atop the waterfall, “whereas in my canoe, I could be thrown from the vessel and gravely injured!” Mr. Rowlett likely had no idea how prophetic his words would become.
After boarding the canoe surrounded by cheering fans, Mr. Rowlett waved them all good by as he hoisted himself forward with a paddle. As the canoe picked up speed he tossed the paddle aside and gripped the sides of the canoe. He gave a final smile back at the watching audience before facing the plunge directly. Those brave enough to stand near the edge said the canoe immediately started to flip forward. Witnesses on the ground said they could see Mr. Rowlett sink into the canoe on the first flip only to be thrust out of the canoe on the second flip. “I saw him disappear, could only see the canoe, then out of nowhere, a he just comes flying from the flipping boat!” said a witness. Several onlookers reported hearing shrill screams before looking away as his body smashed into the water. Several of the men and women that had been watching the death defying feat ran to Mr. Rowlett’s aid and pulled him from the water. “I wouldn’t have believed he hit the water had I not seen it,” said a witness, “poor man was flat like he landed on solid rock!” Mr. Rowlett showed no signs of life. Desiree LeFlamme had no comment, other than to offer her condolences to the Rowlett’s friends and family.
Mayor’s mansion robbed multiple times in the last few weeks
By Aloysius Levron
Late this week a house worker at the Saint Denis Mayor’s home noticed an intruder. While it was unknown at the time that the intruder was spotted, it was later learned that this man had silently killed three guards on their into the Mayor’s home. According to the worker, the trespasser had a bow at the ready with an arrow notched, but hesitated to shoot the worker. “I used that moment to scream and run from the room,” the worker said. Other guards heard the screams and the Saint Denis police were notified. Police surrounded the mansion and sent a few men in, however, none of them returned. It was reported that the intruder continued to use his bow, which kept his exact location in the mansion a mystery. Eventually the man jumped from the second story and used a shotgun to kill nearby guards and policemen. The man fled by horseback into the bayou where law enforcement lost track of him. Several items were stolen, though the exact identity of these objects is unknown.
What troubles the Saint Denis police the most however, is not that the thief escaped, it is that this is not the first thief in the last several weeks. “We aren’t sure what has drawn so many outlaws to the Mayor’s mansion, but a few weeks ago folks just started robbing the place,” said Chief of the Saint Denis Police Benjamin Lambert. Chief Lambert went on to explain that several break ins by a single individual have occurred. “Sometimes it’s man. Sometimes it’s a woman. Sometimes they are old, sometimes they are young. We can’t figure out what links them all,” said Chief Lambert with obvious frustration in his voice. On a few occasions, lawmen who have survived these altercations have recognized the thief. “Recognize is the wrong word,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “I can’t say I know who they are, but I know I saw a few of them rob the Mayor’s mansion before.” These repeat thieves frustrate law enforcement to an extent, but Chief Lambert has noted that repeat offenders are often easier to catch. “We have a very good police force who learn, and when a villain attempts to steal from the mayor again and try the same old tricks, it’s easy to stop them,” said Chief Lambert. These small victories are not enough to override Chief Lambert’s frustration however, “I just want it to stop, you know? It feels like we are stuck in a loop. Who would want that?”
Five State Workers Demand More Jobs!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Just this week, a major railway line had to let go a lot of employees. This was probably a result of the still ongoing Cornwall/Tremaine fight. These workers didn’t care for the rich fighting; they just wanted a job. But everywhere they go, they cannot find any work. They have gone to post offices and telegram offices. They have been told time and again that there is simply no work here.
One cowpoke nearly attacked a clerk over this news. He claimed this is a lie; there are absolutely jobs available in the Five States! They are just being denied to hard-working folks! The cowpoke was politely told to leave, and this incident didn’t escalate to violence, but his statements are not wrong.
Many good people with experience are being denied jobs. The newly available jobs given by telegram were expected to swell the workforce, but little has come of it lately. Many cowpokes are tired of waiting and threatening to do some rather drastic actions. We can only hope something comes soon; we don’t want to know what horrors unemployed workers will cause if they are denied even the basics of life.
College shooting competition becomes official
By Frederick Vannesse
The Intercollegiate Trapshooting Association has officially formed in New York City. Five colleges came together to form the association: Harvard, Yale, Pennsylvania, Princeton, and Columbia. Trapshooting has become increasingly popular among those who want to shoot guns but do not want to engage in the common jobs gunslingers often take, such as wagon guard or bounty hunter. The Association will host two shooting competitions every year with one trophy that is rewarded to the school which wins three events and several individual trophies for the shooters themselves.
Pope Innocent V beautified by Catholic Church
By Ivy Seager
Also known as Peter of Tarantaise, the later as Pope Innocent V, was head of the Papal States for just over five months. He became the Pope on January 21, 1276 and made great efforts to reunite the Church with the Eastern Church. Pope Innocent V had his efforts derailed when he unexpectedly passed away in June of 1276. Though his time as Pope was short, many of his writings became part of the Church’s canons. Pope Innocent V is also credited for bringing peace betwen Genoa and King Charles I of Sicily. For his efforts, Pope Leo XIII officially beautified the former pope in recognition of his holiness and desire to unite the Church.
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