Sudden Snowstorm Spells Trouble for New Austin
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The citizens of the Five States are no stranger to unique weather conditions.  A pleasant stroll in New Hanover can quickly become a cold, damp affair.  But this week, New Austin honestly had it bad, with a snowstorm that not a single person saw coming.

Residents woke up in the morning to discover ice and snow all over the land, even in the desert.  To say this was an inconvenience is putting it mildly.  Plows couldn’t be pulled, animals complained, mail was delayed.  Some people were stuck in their house, unable even to get out the door.  One poor lady, a Miss Ellen Rogers, froze to death after failing to light her fireplace.

A few wealthy patrons from Saint-Denis have taken pity on the misfortunate, sending donations to replace lost crops or animals.  One only hopes that this problem sorts itself out soon before more issues arise.

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Hunter found dead and covered in animal pheromone
By Jane Duran
Levi Reeder was found dead near O’Creagh’s Run. Reeder was a known hunter in Ambarino who specialized in hunting wolves, though this time the wolves got him. As Reeder was alone, the details of his demise are unknown. His body was found in a state beyond recognition, chewed completely to the bone. Reeder was only identified based on his possessions found nearby. What remained of Reeder’s clothing had a strong scent of animal pheromone, specifically one designed to lure out aggressive wolves. Investigators originally suggested the possibility that Reeder accidentally spilled the animal pheromone on himself. Those who knew Reeder best say that is nonsense.

“Levi was an expert hunter, he never would have spilled pheromone on himself,” said one of his closest friends. Investigators have come to agree that the spilling explanation is unlikely. “It’s certainly possible to spill it one one’s self, but this was a lot, his clothes were soaked,” an investigator said. The new theory investigators are working on is that Reeder was murdered and the wolves were used as the weapon. “Levi Reeder was likely attacked and rendered unconscious,” the investigator said, “after being rendered unconscious, Reeder was covered in pheromone literally left to the wolves.” Authorities do admit that as a result of the state of Mr. Reeder’s body being mostly eaten, there is little physical evidence to support this theory. “Any tracks that may have been left were covered by the pack of wolves that attacked Reeder,” investigators have said. While they are still scouring the area for evidence, they do not have much optimism of identifying the attacker.

Revenuer checkpoint overrun by “farmers”
By Nick McCrary
With support from other federal agencies, the Bureau of Internal Revenue has become increasingly aggressive. Setting up a checkpoint not far outside of Blackwater, the agents were harassing several locals who had had enough. They pulled out their own rifles and held them at the ready, prompting the agents to do the same. For some time nobody fired a shot and the scene became increasingly tense. The tension was broken by a loud gunshot which, according to multiple witnesses, did not come from any of the people held up at the checkpoint. An agent fell dead, prompting the others to start panic firing. “They just started shooting and looking around, they seemed terribly spooked,” said one local who had been stopped at the checkpoint. The locals then returned fire, killing several of the agents and driving off those who were not killed.

The Bureau immediately placed blame on the Blackwater Police Department, stating, “local police should support federal agents, not rabble rousing farmers.” While it is true a number of those held at the checkpoint were farmers, a doctor and restaurant owner were also proud to admit they were involved in the altercation. Though they did not offer their names for print. After several weeks of aggressive actions by federal agents in search of the Great Plains Sniper, no progress has been made. The Sniper is still at large and federal agents are no safer than before. In fact, some have stated the Bureau’s aggression is likely to make southern West Elizabeth even more hostile to federal agents and therefore, even more dangerous.

Real World? What is that?
By Donna Deshner
A cowpoke named Charleen McFly asked these two questions upon arrival at the bounty board of Valentine this week. She arrived and checked for the daily gold bonuses the BHTNC was offering and noticed something odd. “They were offering extra gold for completing two bounty hunts within one ‘real-world’ hour,” she said, “the hell is the real-world if not the one we are living in?” The BHTNC could not provide an answer themselves, saying only that the challenge itself was meant as a true test of every bounty hunter’s mettle. “We wanted to push folks to catch villains quickly, within a single hour,” the spokesman said. When pushed to discuss the meaning of “real-world hour” the spokesman became increasingly flustered and said, “it means a little more than an in-game day.” Upon saying the phrase “in-game” the spokesman tilted his head oddly and suddenly became unable to form new words, signaling the interview was over. To explain this situation I, like many reporters before me, sought out the Respawners, who as regular readers recall believe the world of the Five States is a fake world existing within another world that is presumably real.

“The false world isn’t perfect, artifacts from the real-world often sneak in,” said Respawner Otis Hazelwood. Mr. Hazelwood went on to explain that it is likely the false world meant to challenge bounty hunters to capture two targets within a single day, which as the BHTNC spokesman stated was similar to a “real-world” hour. “Someone made a mistake or something got lost in translation as it went from real world to false world,” said Mr. Hazelwood. The term “in-game” was a new one for Mr. Hazelwood. “It is not a term used in Respawner teachings, we refer to our world as the “false world” not the “in-game world.” Mr. Hazelwood thought about it some and added, “though perhaps those in the real world see the false world as a game, thus refer to the false world as ‘in-game.’ Could be as simple real-world folks playing the Five States false-world the same way you or I may sit down and play cards.” Mr. Hazelwood departed my company promising to look more into this revelation and if necessary, add it to official Respawner doctrine.

Violent hobos spotted mutilating woman near Lagra
By Emeline Vickroy
A cowpoke riding through the bayou heard yelling and chanting, which naturally drew his attention. The witness, named Jimmy, said he saw three scrawny looking hobos chanting over a woman tied to a wood post of some kind. He crept close enough to get a good look at the woman. He was not sure if she was dead or alive, but she was definitely unconscious. From his vantage point hidden in the grass, Jimmy reported that the woman had been mutilated. “her ears had been cut off and her lips were definitely not where they should’ve been,” he said. He quickly retreated home. Authorities have investigated similar claims and have warned folks to be wary of “unkept strangers.”

The wild and the civilized meet at the Bastille Saloon
By Aloysius Levron
Patrons of the Bastille Saloon were in for quite a surprise this week. Poker players, drinkers, and debutantes alike were shocked to see a cowpoke arrive in the saloon with a pet alligator. Though witnesses stated that the alligator was docile, many still fled from the saloon in fear. The cowpoke did not acknowledge the commotion their entrance created and merely took a seat at the bar and ordered a whiskey, according to witnesses. Robert Andrew Freeman, owner of the Bastille Saloon, said he served the cowpoke because they had money and the alligator had not hurt anyone yet. Though Mr. Freeman did ask the cowpoke to leave after their drink, stating that he did not want to start a trend of drinkers bringing their pets to the bar. “This saloon is no place for dogs, cats, or alligators really,” said Mr. Freeman, “Try Doyle’s Tavern, I hear they allow rats.”

Stock Market begins to recover
By Frederick Vannesse
The end of hostilities between Spain the United States has finally reached the Stock Market. The Stock Market declined as war became inevitable, dipped when war started, and now is slowly starting to recover. Analysts say the increase in consumers as a result of soldiers returning home as well as the confidence to spend that comes with peace are the reasons for the recovery.

Poet and politician, Thomas Bracken, had died
By Ivy Seager
Mr. Thomas Bracken lived an interesting life that took seemingly unrelated twists and turns. Starting as an apprentice pharmacist, Mr. Bracken moved on to farm work and shop-keeping before turning to the power of words. It was Mr. Bracken’s broad experiences that allowed him to write about men in the gold rush as well as sheep men. Mr. Bracken’s poetry earned him the Otago Caledonian Society’s prize for poetry. Eventually, Mr. Bracken turned to journalism and then to politics. He successfully earned the Dunedin Central electorate in 1881. Mr. Bracken retired from politics in 1887, though he did become a bill reader in 1894, before his health began to deteriorate. Mr. Bracken passed away at home peacefully surrounded by those close to him.

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