Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Dinosaur Craze Explodes Across Five States
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
For generations, farmers have discovered bones in fields while tending to crops. Many assume they were only normal animal corpses, or perhaps human skeletons from Bible times. It wasn’t until the 1840s did modern science eventually figure out what they were. In 1842 a British scientist named Owen Richardson theorized they were the bones of ancient lizards who lived long ago. He made up a word to describe them, dinosaurs.
Eventually, after a few decades, Richardson’s work was taken seriously. Scientists far and wide now travel the world looking for these massive bones. But for the longest time, people in the Five States could not care less. Outside the claims of con artists or women barely attached to reality, nobody looked for these bones. Why should they? They weren’t worth anything to sell. Well, that officially changed this week, when a scientific research committee in Chicago formally authorized the use of money in exchange for dinosaur bones found in the Five States.
Like lightning, bones began pouring out of the states. Men carrying cracked skulls and ancient plants by the bucketload. In one instance, two wagons collided while searching for bones in New Austin. This behavior has, of course, led to a new racket for criminals. Some believe they can sell these unique bones to people like the shady wandering Gypsy Madam Nazar, instead of intelligent thinkers in Illinois.
But for now, stolen dinosaur bones aren’t flooding the black market. Hopefully, the scientists make good use of these bones, and the cowpokes who dug them up are well compensated.
Wedding at Coot’s Chapel ends in massacre
By Wylie Frey
Armadillo deputies investigating the sound of gunshots at Coot’s Chapel found a massacre. It is unclear what led to the shooting. Though Coot’s Chapel has seen better days, couples often choose to get married there due to its rustic charm. The ceremony was small, which was probably for the best considering everyone in attendance was killed. Investigators believe four or five individuals were responsible for the murders. The lone witness did not see the actual shooting, but did see a group of individuals riding toward the chapel looking, “ominous and such.” The witness only noticed the group because, “one of the women looked exotic, like one of those women from the Orient.”
The shooting was also completely one sided. According to one investigator, “it looked like the victims were caught off guard. In the middle of the ceremony they were murdered. Happiest moment of their lives became the scariest, and then the last.” As of press time, none of the victims had been identified. Authorities are asking for any information, no matter how small it may seem, that folks may have about the shooting or the victims. If you knew someone planning a wedding at Coot’s Chapel, you should contact your local law enforcement.
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To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
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Gabro Ram found!
By Alois Burditt
After weeks of searching, a naturalist lacking the “perfect sight” for finding the Gabro Ram was lucky enough to find it. However, he is unlucky in that the ram got the better of him. “I was so shocked. I read about others looking for it in this paper, figured I just had “one” sight and would never find it,” they explained. When they saw the ram get close they froze. “I ain’t no rookie at this but, well, I got caught off guard and it rammed me in the chest.” The naturalist said they were able to recover, however a second ramming attack knocked the air out of them. “Must have hit my head, ’cause I passed out. Woke up and the ram was gone.” Maybe they wil have better luck next time.
Human remains found near Cotorra Springs, likely killed by wolves
By Jane Duran
A pair of hunters came across the remains of, “what must have been three or four men,” near Cotorra Springs. The remains were described as, “mostly gnawed bones.” The hunters explained a rare wolf, called the Onyx Wolf has been spotted in the area. This wolf is particularly aggressive, which leads to a larger and more aggressive pack. “Larger pack means more mouths to feed and more aggression means humans are absolutely on the menu,” said one of the hunters. A small camp was found not far from where the remains were, where some supplies were found that suggested the group had been hunting for wolves themselves. “They were hunters of a sort, I think, but they used unsavory tactics like traps,” the hunter said. Animal traps occupy a grey area, they are not illegal but many hunters believe them to be unsporting. Both hunters also suggested that had these poachers been true hunters, they would not have been caught off guard and become the hunted.
Moonshiners move into gang hideout just as federal authorities arrive to investigate the displaced gang
By Daisy Fairman
A gang of miscreants had taken over a farm in Big Valley, however, that gang was ousted by a group of cowpokes. The cowpokes laid waste to the gang, despite being under a constant hell of gunfire from a maxim gun. Federal agents in the area came to investigate and came across the posse who cleared out the gang, who informed the agents of what they had done. The agents proceeded to the farm to investigate and get the farm back into the hands of the legal owner. However, when they arrived they noticed a small group of moonshiners setting up the farm as their new stilling operation. “The bodies of the outlaws were still warm when the moonshiners moved in,” said one of the agents. The moonshiners were surprised at the arrival of the federal agents and did not put up a fight.
The prisoners were transferred to agents belonging to the Bureau of Internal Revenue. The Bureau held a press conference to celebrate this arrest, a much needed victory for the beleaguered bureau. However, the press conference was quickly ended when a reporter asked, “does it bother you at all that your first big success was given to you by another federal agency?” The spokesman for the Revenue Bureau walked out without answering, prompting other Bureau agents to push the reporters out of the room.
Fight between bounty hunter and BHTC representative in Valentine
By Emery Cosberry
Witnesses in Valentine report that bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross was seen exiting the Sheriff’s office in a foul mood. Cross had just brought in a wanted man, as he had many times before. However, on this occasion a representative from the Bureau for Hurdling a Tarrying Congress (BHTC) was on hand. It was a comment from that representative that sent Cross into a rage. A man who was being held as a prisoner at the time, claimed the representative had said, “oh good, you got the bastard who slept with my wife.” Sheriff Curtis Malloy confirmed that Cross then inquired about the representative’s meaning, suggesting that this particular bounty may not have been a matter of Justice, but was in fact a personal matter. Sheriff Malloy did not comment regarding the representatives response, however, the prisoner claimed the representative did not deny Cross’ allegations.
Others outside of the Sheriff’s Office heard Cross yell, “the bounty system isn’t supposed to be a way to settle scores. We ain’t your damn goons!” Other things were said, though only Cross used a raised tone. One witness described the representative’s response as, “a bit soft, as is typical of folk who don’t get their hands dirty.” Eventually Cross stormed out of the office, yelling back that he was disappointed in Sheriff Malloy not taking a firmer stance against the BHTC representative. The BHTC did not respond for a comment on this story and Nathaniel Cross could not be reached. This could not have happened at a worse time for the BHTC, as recently it was alleged that many bounty hunters are actually criminals.
Man Saves Gator, also Killed by Gator
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
A man in Lemoyne today tried to free an animal, but his plan didn’t go as planned. Francis Defoe, who was a traveling British salesman, was going through Bayou Nwa when his wagon stopped near a field. Through the clearing, Defoe noticed several men hitting a large cage with rifles. They reportedly mocked the animal in the cage, suggesting that the poor creature will soon be shoes.
Defoe leaped from his wagon and ran over to the poachers. Instead of heroically fighting them, he merely bribed them with some British money. The poachers took the money and wandered off without complaint.
Defoe, feeling rather mighty, opened up the cage. He was probably expecting a buck or some kind of fairly friendly creature. Instead, he was greeted by a large, hungry alligator. Before he could even move, the alligator lunged at him and pulled him into the cage. The only remains found to confirm his fate, was a silver watch still tied to a severed hand. The alligator was not found at the campsite. If any traveler encounters a large alligator with blood still noticeable on its lips, be wary. It has probably grown accustomed to human flesh.
Federal authorities forced to get involved in conflict between hunters and naturalists
By Nick McCrary
The conflict took place over the Lower Montana River, which many may recognize as the natural and legal border between West Elizabeth and New Austin. The hunters occupied the land north of the river, and had just come from visiting Gus Macmillian following a successful group hunting trip. Mr. Macmillian said the hunters had, “turned in quite a few rare pelts and animal parts.”. As this was happening a group of naturalists had begun to congregate around Harriet Davenport’s camp south of the Lower Montana River. According to those naturalists, many had been collecting samples independently and had only met for the first time while dealing with Miss Davenport.
The hunters claim to have heard shouts of “murderers” and “monsters” coming from across the river. “I’m just trying to survive and feed my family, hunting makes that happen,” one of the hunters said, “no reason to be disrespectful.” The naturalists, however, claim that the hunters started the name calling and escalated the conflict by firing at them. “They didn’t shoot us, but shot trees and rocks near us, trying to scare us,” one naturalist claimed. Another said a few animals were shot from a distance. Due to the conflict happening across state lines, federal authorities have been forced to get involved. Mr. Macmillion and Miss Davenport were both questioned, however the details of the interviews are unknown at this time.
Many had expressed concern when Miss Davenport and Mr. Macmillion arrived in the Five States that a war was slowly brewing. The goals of both individuals and their followers are completely opposed as the success of one threatens the success of the other. This is not the first conflict between hunters and naturalists either, though it is one of the tamest conflicts so far. Several altercations have ended in the death of at least one party. Many naturalists report tensions when around hunters while hunters often report a feeling of being judged as inferior. Miss Davenport refused to comment on a potential war with Mr. Macmillian.Mr. Macmillian was less shy, “if there is a war, who do you think will win? The ones trying to cuddle animals or the ones ready to kill?”
Foresty school opens in North Carolina
By Adam Parvey
Mr. Carl A. Schenck has opened the first school of forestry in the United states. He opened the school on the Biltmore Estate grounds with permission from the property owner. Mr. Schenk had been working in the forests around the Biltmore Estate for several years and found many locals interested in his lessons about maintaining a healthy forest. This significant local interest resulted in him opening up an official school in which to teach the methods necessary to keep a forest healthy.
Canadian football team honors American hero
By Ivy Seager
The Ottawa Football Club has adopted a new name: the Ottawa Rugged Riders. The name comes after Senator Thaddeus Waxman made a name for himself leading the Rugged Riders to several victories. Many of those victories saved the battle for American forces. The team has also adopted red and black as its team colors, which was the colors of the Rugged Riders regiment.
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