Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Valentine voted the most popular town in the Five States
By Lucien Privitt
Valentine was voted the most popular town in the Five States, followed by Strawberry, Saint Denis, Blackwater, Rhodes, Tumbleweed. Valentine’s popularity was attributed to multiple factors, including its central location and the large number of service and amenities available. “Valentine may not have it all, but it’s got everything a cowpoke needs,” said one poll respondent. Valentine, for instance, does not have a tailor or a photography place. However, the general store provides some tailor services and most seem to not see the lack of a photography store as a problem. “Why take a photograph at a fake set when you can take it in the real world?” one person asked. Valentine, however, was not well liked by everyone. “It’s a muddy shithole and you always end up filthy just riding through,” said one cowpoke who was shocked to see so much praise being made toward Valentine. Others described the town as “regularly hostile.” Indeed, more crime reports are made in Valentine than any other town or city in the Five States. The only place described as potentially more hostile than Valentine was Saint Denis.
What Saint Denis lacked, for many, was rustic charm. “I know there ain’t not stoppin’ this modernization,” said one respondent, “but that don’t mean I want to spend my life in a modern looking city.” Saint Denis is the only location in the Five States that offers every kind of service available, but respondents remarked that the services were very spread out. “Doing business in Saint Denis requires a lot of travel on crowded streets, not ideal,” said another respondent. The crowds seemed to be the reason Saint Denis was not higher on the list. Indeed, the town that beat Saint Denis for second place was Strawberry, a town with very few services.
“Strawberry doesn’t have a saloon or a barber,” said a respondent, “but it’s got a butcher and a bounty board, and an abundance of something you can’t find in other towns: peace.” The peaceful nature of the town and the close proximity to an abundance of hunting locations is what drove Strawberry’s popularity. Though it may seem surprising that a town with a commitment to being ‘dry,’ that is not serving alcohol, would be popular in a region known for its drunks and its killers, it shouldn’t be. The law does not always prevent that which it prohibits, and there are strong rumors that alcochol flows freely in Strawberry right under the nose of the mayor.
Tumbleweed, the home of Sheriff Sam Freeman and bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross, fell low on the list as a result of its dying nature. “Armadillo might be plagued with disease, but there is a sense that it will recover,” said a cowpoke, “but Tumbleweed has the stench of a town on its death bed. And it’s ugly to boot.” Sheriff Sam Freeman declined to comment on his town being called ugly and dying. Perhaps he knows its true. Not featured in the poll were Armadillo, Van Horn, Annesburg, or Colter. Colter has no residents, so it makes sense to be excluded. Armadillo is in a desperate situation, being stricken with sickness, however, some folks still frequent the town. Van Horn and Annesburg were verbally cited as some folks favorite places to hang out, even if they could not vote for it. But it seems even if the were included, it is unlikely Valentine would have been dethroned as the most popular town in the Five States.
Massacre in New Austin
By Jose Chavez
A traveler came across a dozen or so dead bodies and reported it to the state authorities. An investigation uncovered that most of the men were killed by a firearm. “It mostly looked like a pretty standard robbery gone wrong,” said one of the investigators. An inventory list was found and a satchel of miscellaneous supplies was unaccounted for. “The only thing strange here,” the investigator said, “was that one man was certainly killed by a cougar, just mauled to death.” It is unknown if the cougar attack occurred before, during, or after the robbery. “I suspect before or after,” the investigator said, “it would be quite something if the robber had a cougar as an ally, wouldn’t it?”
Ambarino government increases funds used to pay private citizens to tackle public jobs
By Jane Duran
Since Adam Smith, people have debated what constitutes the public and private marketplaces. In the Five States, it is often less clear. Private citizens are often asked to assist with public jobs. Recovering stolen goods or hunting down outlaws is typically considered a public task, a job for the government. However, the state governments often outsource these jobs to private citizens through third parties. Ambarino’s favorite citzen: Hamish Sinclair, was given increased funds last week to tackle a backlog in jobs that needed undertaking. “Ambarino is a state that often needs more folks helping out,” said Mr. Sinclair, “it’s a big, empty state that ain’t easy to police.” Recently, however, travelers have not made it to Ambarino frequently which means less folks taking up necessary jobs. Gold nugget bonuses were offered this week through Mr. Sinclair, who said he saw a lot more “folks than usual,” looking for work. The program was deemed successful, as several stolen wagons were recovered, captured people were rescued, and aggressive beasts were killed.
Man’s life saved by quick thinking and quick shooting traveler
By Odell Clifton
A Blackwater resident out for a ride was nearly killed by an aggressive cougar. “My horse was running as fast as it could,” the man said, “it knew our lives were on the line!” He said he tried getting to Blackwater, thinking the activitiy of the town would spook the cougar away. However, he was unable to do so when the cougar changed its approach to cut them off. “I was forced to turn south but I knew there was nothing in that direction to save me,” he admitted. Just as his horse seemed to be tiring, however, he heard a gunshot. “I looked back and the cougar was dead and some fella was nearby on a horse holding a still smoking rifle,” he said, “that man saved my life.” The identity of the man remains unknown.
Two women cause a ‘night of terror’ in Valentine
By Donna Deshner
Two unidentified women managed to climb to the tower of the Valentine church this week. From there, they started firing on townsfolk, lawmen, and travelers alike. “We got into defensive positions but they had the high ground,” said a Valentine deputy, “and between the two of them, they were able to keep us pinned down.” Valentine deputies told residents to stay inside, hoping the women would eventually move on or run out of ammunition. “We kept getting them to fire on us, thinking they’d eventually run out of bullets but they just seemed to fire an endless supply.” Telegrams were sent out to ask for aid, eventually bringing in state lawmen to help with the situation. A couple of state lawmen managed to make it in, but were shocked at what they found. “I found a blind woman just sitting below the tower entrance, seemed a bit scared,” said one of the lawmen. The woman was described as having a cloth wrap around her eyes.
As the lawmen attempted to scale the tower, however, they were thwarted. One admitted to being struck in the back of the head, knocking him out. His partner was found shot at the bottom of the tower entrance, likely killed after the first lawman was knocked out. As night arrived, the lawmen panicked and made a final push. However, the church was empty. There were no female shooters to be found. When the knocked out lawman was woken up, he asked about the blind woman, but she was not located either. It is unknown if the blind woman was with the shooters or taken hostage. “There was nobody else in that room when we entered,” said the lawman who was struck from behind, “so I’m pretty certain that it was the blind woman who struck me and I’m starting to question whether she was blind at all.”
Gunfight in Saint Denis puts city on edge
By Aloysius Levron
It started off as a calm Spring night. It ended in massive panic. A wanted man entered the city of Saint Denis of was noticed by a pair of bounty hunters. According to witnesses, the bounty hunters had a short discussion amongst themselves after the wanted man walked by. “I was drinking nearby when they started talking about recognizing some bad fella,” the witness said, “and long after the fella had walked by they got up and decided to pursue him.” Having decided the wanted man was who they thought he was, the two bounty hunters confronted him. However, as this occurred, a third bounty hunter arrived claiming the wanted man was his, on account that he had tracked him Van Horn. The bounty hunters got into a heated exchange which led to a 2 on 1 fist fight. “It didn’t go as you’d expect,” another witness stated, “that fellow by himself struck first and struck hard.” A single strike downed one bounty hunter, catching him off guard. The second bounty hunter then engaged in a first fight with the third, while the wanted man made his escape. That, was not the end, however.
Another bounty hunter showed up and took a shot at the wanted man. However, the timing was poor because he shot an innocent bystander: a woman just making her way to the theater. It is unclear if the bounty hunter did not notice the woman walking in his way or whether the wanted man pulled the woman into the path of the oncoming bullet. The death created a panic and people began running away from the sound of gunfire. The Saint Denis police responded quickly, but only added to the confusion when multiple policemen were shot and killed. Some witnesses say that the wanted man shot the police, however, the police fired on anyone brandishing a firearm, which included the previously mentioned bounty hunters. The gunfight between the bounty hunters and the lawmen went on for several minutes, while witnesses say the wanted man managed to escape. “I saw a man stooping over and hiding, moving away from the fight,” said a witness. Of the four bounty hunters involved, one was killed. The wanted man was not captured. The Saint Denis Police Chief Benjamin Lambert promised an investigation and a warning, “bounty hunting is a privilege and if you see legitimate officers of the law with their weapons drawn, you ought to yield or be treated like a criminal.”
Smithfield’s Saloon has the best poker table in the Five States according to a far ranging poll
By Adam Parvey
As if being labeled the most popular town in the Five States was not enough, Valentine claimed another accolade as home of the most popular poker table in the Five States. As part of the same poll, respondents were asked, “at which poker table do you prefer to place in the Five States?” The table at Smithfield’s Saloon had a significant advantage in being in Valentine, a centrally located town. No matter where you are in the Five States, Valentine is not a long ride away and therefore, almost always accessible to poker players. Many cited the Flatneck Station poll as a nice table if you want a peaceful, distraction free game. The second most popular poker table was often described as having the best ambience. “Nothing beats the environment of the Blackwater Saloon,” said one poker player, “nice bar in a clean town with a bank in case you need more money to keep playing.” The table at the Tumbleweed Saloon was slightly more popular than the town itself, but said to be too depressing for long play. “If I’m on a losing streak in a nice saloon, it ain’t so bad,” said a poker player who took part in the poll, “but if I’m on a losing streak in Tumbleweed I feel like shooting myself.” Rhodes was another popular place to play poker, though many gamblers admitted to missing the blackjack tables and said games at Rhodes could turn hostile faster than most towns.
Mysteries of Lancaster Manor!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Almost every cowpoke, gunslinger, and outlaw are well acquainted with the Lancaster Repeater. The famed gun that supposedly won the west, it’s been in production for years, and sales are not stopping anytime soon. But who earns all this money? Why, that would be the reclusive Sarah Lancaster, who is rarely seen and even more seldom heard.
Her story is a tragic kind; she married young, lost her parents, child and husband not too far apart. The husband happened to be William Lancaster, the son of Oliver Lancaster, the rifle’s designer. Sarah got all the money, which made her one of the wealthiest people in America.
Yet she didn’t float in it in public. She moved out to California and now spends most of her time in a mansion that continues to be developed from time to time. Many local papers say she’s crazy or obsessed with the supernatural, but to me, it feels like another time of haunting. The haunting of past memories, of wounds never healed from loss. If you were in grief and had all the money in the world, what would you do? I suspect it wouldn’t be very different from what Lady Lancaster has and continues to do. For grief is often just as strong a prison as any barred cell.
Russian Attempts to Buy Submarine Go South!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Another week, another embarrassment for the forces of Tsar Nicholas the Second. In attempts to modernize its navy, fleet commanders personally purchased several Turkish submarines that were partially funded by the infamous Basil Zaharoff. The Nordenfelt class submarine was bought in the past week and tested this afternoon, to disastrous results.
At the demonstration, with naval admirals and the Tsar in his Sunday best watching, the submarine began its first dive. Almost immediately, popping noises were heard, followed by shouts and screams. The submarine then began diving faster and faster; it never came up.
The vehicle was raised within hours; the test crew had sadly all died in the accident. It seems a couple of steel rivets had failed, leading to large holes in the hull appearing. The crew didn’t stand a chance; there was no safety countermeasure for such a possibility.
It’s likely the other purchased submarines are of similar value. If so, the Russian navy just spent an unknown amount of money on untested equipment that was lost in a test alongside able-bodied sailors. It’s like buying a newly bred horse only for it to immediately fall over and crush a stable boy. How pitiful.
The Five States Herald 