Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Disruptive residents are here to stay, says the governing bodies of the Five States
By Lucien Privett
The legislatures of each of the five states in the Five States region have entered into several agreements over the years. Though the region does not have a central governing body, the states’ legislatures have come to the understanding that region benefits from the states cooperating with one another. It has recently been learned that one of these agreements is to no longer investigate Pawnee County disruptors. While not all Five States residents from Pawnee County cause problems for others, those that do have a significant effect of disrupting the lives of innocent cowpokes. “We get weekly reports of PC folk with powerful explosives, immortal henchmen, and other such unbelievable stories,” said a Valentine deputy, “never verified of course.” A New Haven legislator Lenard C. Coyler said, “the fact of the matter is that these PC disruptors are not easily thwarted and to be perfectly honest, their antics only effect other PC folks, who, speaking frankly, make up a small portion of our residents.” The candid explanation for giving up on enforcing the rules, though refreshingly honest, has created an internal crisis for many residents.
“If the powers that be no longer want to protect the integrity of my experience, why should I put anymore time or effort into developing a life on such shaky ground?” said a resident from Pawnee County. There has been rumbling of another mass exodus of residents. “It won’t matter,” said Representative Coyler, “we still have plenty of others not from Pawnee County who won’t be effected one way or another, they’ll keep paying the taxes that pay my salary.” There are some residents who have suggested this problem is not limited to Pawnee County residents. “It may seem like they are just giving up on Pawnee County folks, but the truth is they have a lack of commitment to the Five States region,” said another resident, “it won’t be long until we all leave at this rate.”
Brawl so big the town saloon could not contain it!
By Jose Chavez
A brawl that began in the Tumbleweed Saloon spilled out into the town. The origin of the brawl is unknown, but as the deputies began to get involved, the fighters all stopped fighting. After a brief discussion with Sheriff Sam Freeman, the fighters agreed to contain their fight to a rooftop and the losers agreed to let not seek revenge. A deputy who watched the entire fight take place observed, “there seemed to be more people in the rooftop brawl than in the saloon brawl!” The fight then proceeded in a wild free for all battle. Those who fell off the building left the fight to nurse their wounds. The battle continued for several hours, with the last person standing being a woman. She had taken quite a beating herself, but managed to dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge her way to victory. She celebrating by getting drunk at the saloon.
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O’Creagh’s Run determined to be the most peaceful place in all of the Five States
By Delphia Atwood
I traveled across the Five States and to learn one thing: where is the most peaceful place in the region? I did not ask folks questions, but instead placed myself nearby and listened. I listened to conversations of all kinds. Marital trouble, the grumbles of pain from men long past their prime, arguments over debt, and even a love triangle or two. On occasion I heard what I was looking for, folks talking about where they got to get respite from the rest of the world. While the woods of Roanoke Ridge were populate for some, they were too “spooky” for most. It was Ambarino that was more frequently said to be the place one finds peace, with one place in particular being mentioned more than any other.
O’Creagh’s Run is a small lake in Grizzlies East. Ambarino’s most famous resident, Hamish Sinclair, lives in a cabin built on the short of O’Creagh’s Run. Though outlaws are known to camp the area looking for easy targets, the lake is generally considered peaceful. “There’s a spot just off the little dock there, that cowpokes simply cannot shoot you no matter how hard they try,” said on cowpoke who said he spends hours fishing from that location. “I suspect Hamish is tired of watching me fish from his place at this point,” they said. Even hunters find the surrounding area largely peaceful, minus the occasional grizzly ambush. If you have the experienced the peace and tranquility of O’Creagh’s Run, well then, what are you waiting for? Grab a fishing rod and go catch some salmon!
Dramatic end to a tight race in Blackwater
By Odell Clifton
While horse racing is often relegated to oval tracks, some of the most exciting races you will see take place in unexpected places. Such a race occurred this week that left bystanders stunned. The roads of Blackwater were blocked off this week for an “open” race, a race that is not structured around a single path. Instead, open races offer checkpoints across a given area that racers can pursue in whatever order they wish. While this can lead to less dramatic finishes due to the lack of head to head racing, sometimes the finishes can surprise you. That is what happened this week when two racers sped toward the finish line neck to neck. “The one fella was just behind the other as they raced to the last checkpoint,” a fan said. The leading racer “slid their horse a little sideways into the last checkpoint, while the one right behind just ran past and turned around widely,” another fan said.
The two different approaches widened the gap between the two races. By the time the trailing racer completed their wide turn, the lead racer was halfway to the finish line. When other races realized the race had been won, many expressed frustration. Many had purchased high value horses bred for speed and agility, and yet they were all defeated by a racer on a Shire draft horse. “Just goes to show it isn’t always about the horse, but about the skill of the racer,” the race organizer said.
Wagon collision narrowly averted by spectacular driving skill
By Donna Deshner
A wagon driver lost control of their wagon and nearly collided with another wagon Valentine’s main road. Several witnesses saw the incident and were shocked that a fatal outcome was averted at the last moment. “I was bracing for impact and I wasn’t even on one of the wagon,” said a witness, “but just as they were about to crash one of the wagons pulls the reigns and gets the damn horse and wagon into the air!” As unbelievable as it sounds, several witnesses supported this claim. The driver who was about to be hit somehow managed to get his horse to leap into the air and pull the wagon behind it. The out of control wagon quickly passed beneath it and continued going down the main road. “I thought to arrest and fine the driver of that wild wagon,” said Sheriff Curtis Malloy, “but the cowpoke was out of town quicker than we could mount our horses.” The identity of the wild wagon driver remains unknown.
Lemoyne joins New Austin in offering clemency to Nathaniel Cross
By Aloysius Levron
Nathaniel Cross, the licensed bounty hunter accused of being the Grey Cowboy, has long been on the run in the Five States. Cross had an impeccable record as a bounty hunter for bringing bounties in alive. However, as the Grey Cowboy, Cross allegedly murdered outlaws in cold blood without a legal warrant for their capture. Though it has not been proven in a court of law that Cross is the Grey Cowboy, there is quite a bit of evidence. Cross himself has refused to deny the allegations. New Austin offered Cross clemency and protection within its borders and as a result, Cross resumed his bounty hunting activities in the state. This week Lemoyne joined New Austin.
“Nathaniel Cross is a well respected man who has proven on a number of occasions that he has the interests of Lemoyne’s people in mind,” the Lemoyne governor said. He was referencing Cross’ careful approach to bounty hunting that reduced collateral damage and harm to residents. It is unclear if Cross has friends in the state or if the state government has taken this position in its ongoing battle with the federal government. “While Cross is operating in Lemoyne, we dare the feds to hassle him,” the governor warned, “because we will protect a licensed bounty hunter operating in our state from federal interference and we will do so with great pleasure.” I reached out to Cross for a comment but did not receive a response before press time.
Has the snowy egret gone extinct?
By Adam Parvey
Naturalists across the Five States have come to the conclusion that the snowy egret is either extinct, or close to it. Several naturalists have reported not spotting a snowy egret for a very long time. “I had a couple feathers and sold one, thinking I could replace it easy enough but haven’t seen a snowy egret since then,” one person said. Another hunter supported this claim with their own story, “I was looking to hunt one, with the gold nuggets being rewarded for it and all, but I could only find the little egrets.” Other hunters have said that snowy egrets are still around, even if they have become a bit more rare. “I have a map here that shows their general locations, happy to share it around,” a hunter said. Of course, naturalists are concerned that the widespread use of such maps will make the bird go extinct faster. “We need Congress to ban the hunting of snowy egrets,” said one naturalist, “or future generations will never see them.”
Math Teacher Leaps Out Window!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
As we’ve discussed before, the subject of mathematics is hardly a popular one in the United States, and that’s more or less fair. What’s less reasonable is the extreme reaction certain people have had, from burning books up to what just occurred this week.
In New York, a math teacher was dealing with slopes and other equations when a student pointed out a glaring error on the chalkboard. Rather than just fix the problem and move on, the as yet unnamed teacher opened up a window and flung himself to his death.
Faculty were greatly surprised at this event; the teacher was supposedly happily married and living well. What on Earth caused him to take his own life like that? Especially over just a rise over run question? The answer is probably unknowable; what goes on in people’s heads can never truly be recorded. We do know several students have found this event rather amusing and not horrifying.
Is math terrible enough for you to take your own life? I certainly don’t think so; the great scientists of old didn’t throw themselves down a flight of stairs when a theory was proven incorrect. Why should math be any different?
Does the British National Anthem Suck?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Across the world, great songs are being used to represent the people of those fair lands. The US doesn’t officially have one yet, although it most certainly will one day. Great Britain does have one, God Save the Queen, alternately King when one is in power. It’s been around since the 18th century; it’s quite a well-known song. It’s also pretty loathed by the citizens of the British Isles.
Is it because of the inherent love of monarchy that the song possesses? Is it the fact the British Empire is a greatly hated entity on the world’s stage? Those are probably some causes, but the main reason is the blandness. The song is bland and lacks character; the lyrics tell me nothing about the land.
What songs do the citizens of Britain think fit the nation better? There’s one song you frequently hear in contention, Oh Britannia, the famous British military song. It’s just as imperialistic as God Save the Queen, but at least the lyrics are more creative, and it’s catchy. The complaints are primarily theoretical; nobody will be replacing the national anthem anytime soon. It’s just clear that if given a choice, many people would pick something else.
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