Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
37 bodies found stuffed in a small room
By Lucien Privitt
The discovery of 37 dead bodies was made by a lawman investigating claims of a smell. The lawman was stunned at what he saw. “I followed the smell to a building and in a small room, I found a pile of bodies, murdered people,” said deputy Butch Dryden. Investigators soon swarmed the location and quickly tried to stop the spreading of the story. Deputy Dryden retracted his previous statement, claiming, “I was mistaken, it was animal bodies I found.” However, those who heard Deputy Dryden’s original claim are suspicious of the retraction. “Who could mistake a bunch animal bodies for human bodies,” said a friend of Deputy Dryden who asked to remain anonymous to preserve his friendship. A federal investigator said, “it’s a bit odd to have so many animal corpses stuffed in a room, but not illegal.” Every question we have tried to get answered by a federal official has been ignored.
My source inside of one of the bureaus investigating the 37 bodies informed me that they believe a serial killer is in the Five States. The purpose of squashing the story is to reduce panic. The location where the bodies were found has not been revealed. Even Deputy Dryden said he could not recall the location, “well yeah, I was there but, you know it doesn’t matter where it is, why would you wanna find it anyway?” The only other information I was able to glean was that there was no discernable pattern among victims in regards to cause of death. With no suspect, the killer could be anyone. Keep your wits sharp, folks.
Pig Farmer Lost to Pigs!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Pigs are an animal often vastly underestimated. Often seen as mindless animals best used for food and nothing else, they are actually among the more intelligent animals on the planet. They are clever, can quickly bond with a human, and eat just about anything. That last part is pretty important as this assumption of everything was unfortunately proven to be entirely accurate this week.
Malcolm Hernandez is a pig farmer from New Austin who makes his living breeding pigs near Valentine. He’s respected amongst that small community, no natural enemies at all, which made it all the more shocking when he was found brutally killed, or well, the few body parts that were left. The immediate assumption was murder, lawmen investigated the nearby pig farmer and infamous criminal Emmet Granger, but he was soon cleared.
The truth of what happened only came to light when one of Hernandez’s pigs started to vomit up something that was eventually revealed to be a human bone. It seems Hernandez had tripped or fell into a pig pen and was savagely torn apart by the creatures. A terrible end to a decent farmer, and definitely proof that hogs will eat anything that comes too close.
Legend of Statues Intrigue Many
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Wary travelers discovered them long ago, looking for a lost gold mine. Deep in Ambarino, under the hills and mountains, lies several ancient statues. They are clearly human, but what they represent and who made them is lost information. They stand astute and ready for some action; are they themselves guarding a secret?
The Ambarino statues are quite the curious relic to historians and treasure hunters alike. Some theorize that they are the remnants of a lost tribe, or perhaps survivors of the Aztec Empire fleeing far northward. Others say they are the hidden entrance to El Dorado, the lost city of gold. Or why stop there? A politician in Minnesota claimed in a recent book that the statues are the key to finding the Lost City of Atlantis, if you believe in such a silly concept.
Some treasure hunters have tried to crack open the statues to see if they are made of something valuable. All that did was damage the arm of one figure; nothing of value was found inside. Until the day this mystery is solved, it seems the dueling worlds of money and academia will continue to theorize and argue about the importance of male statues hidden in the darkness of the Five States.
Blackwater butcher complains about chipmunk carcasses
By Nick McCrary
Butchers provide most towns a source of meat and a place for hunters to sell what they do not need. Most of the time this is big game meat or certain types of fish, which bring the most money in for hunters and fishermen. However, this week, the Blackwater butcher complained about an excess of chipmunks being sold to him at his booth. “What am I supposed to do with a chipmunk?” the butcher asked, “there ain’t enough meet on them and you need a few just to make a damn glove!” After confronting a hunter whos old him two chipmunks, the butcher became irate. The hunter waved him off, “you don’t have to buy it if you don’t want to, you damn fool,” they yelled. The butcher, however, opened up in a shocking way. His frustration turned to tears and he started mumbling, “no, I can’t not buy something! You don’t get it, I just buy it even if I don’t want to and I don’t know why!”
A local who recently joined the Respawner cult tried to console the flustered butcher. They said, “no, it ain’t your fault, we don’t get much choice in this world, we ain’t it’s makers and those cowpokes we serve ain’t the makers either, they are just as trapped as we are.” The words had the intended effect and calmed the butcher down. This enabled the butcher to resume business and deal with the line of cowpokes that had been forming. Each cowpoke sold two chipmunk carcasses. The butcher laughed.
Horse riders getting “jumpy” in Valentine
By Donna Deshner
Valentine can be described as a “jumpy place.” Though most are describing how common it is for cowpokes to have an itchy trigger finger in the small livestock town. In this case, it is a bit more literal. “All day folks were riding in and just jumping over the fences of the animal pens,” said one of the cattle farmers. He went on to explain that he had to chase folks off, concerned that, “they’d hurt the sheep.” The strange behavior went on all day. “Just as one would finish and leave, another would soon come by and start jumping like the last one,” the farmhand said. It is unclear what resulted in such behavior, however, not all residents were upset. “I’d much prefer they jump fences then shoot folks,” said one resident, “do you know how many people I’ve lost to wild gunmen?” Valentine lawmen did not respond to the complaints, stating, “no laws were broken, but we offer this warning: if such behavior results in the damage of property, they will be arrested.”
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Cart full of dead revenue agents delivered to Saint Denis Police Station
By Aloysius Levron
Another week and another setback for the Bureau of Internal Revenue. A man drove a wagon to the Saint Denis Police Station, where he pulled it to the side of the rode and then walked away. “We didn’t think anything of it at first, he seemed quite normal,” said one of the policemen. After the man failed to return, a policeman investigated the wagon and found about a dozen dead revenue agents. The alarm was sounded, but it was far too late. None of the policemen had paid enough attention to the man to offer a physical description of the man. One drunkard did claim to know a bit about what happened. He told the Saint Denis Chief of Police that he was at a “wild party.” “I was at this place, underground, right?” the man said, “lots of cowpokes playing in the band, dancing, just living wildly.” The man said that revenue agents stormed into the place, breaking up the party. However, the agents were not expecting resistance. The man said he did not know the details, only that a fight occurred. Soon after, the party was ended and the man said he saw a cart being filled with bodies. He walked to Saint Denis and by the time he reached the city, news of the bodies dropped off at the Police Department was spreading. His story did not provide any information that could lead to identifying the wagon driver or anyone involved in the killing of the agents.
Save the Five States mission continues, even as officials do not respond
By Adam Parvey
The trend of Five States residents caring more about their home than the BHTNC and other elected officials continues. Amidst a campaign to “Save the Five States,” no updates have been provided. The BHTNC remains silent, as do Members of Congress elected from the Five States region. For many, being ignored has only fanned the flames, making their anger increase. Others say it offers relief. “It shows that the powers that be really don’t care about us, makes it easier to move on, you see,” said one cowpoke who was on their way out of the region. Not everyone is ready to up and leave, however. “I’ve spent years here, to just leave feels like I’m just giving up,” said a hopeful cowpoke, “I still remember the potential I saw in this land when I got here and I still see that potential.”
Many are stunned at the BHTNC’s silence. “The rich folks in the BHTNC can become even richer, if only they’d invest in us,” said another cowpoke, “we’d make them so much money they wouldn’t have to work another day in their life.” This, however, is the problem, according to another cowpoke who argued, “these rich folks don’t need anymore money, that’s why they ignore us now, I mean what more do you need when you have far more than what need requires?” We reached out to individual members of the BHTNC, however, we receive no response from those members. It seems those of us wanting answers about the future of the Five States, we will all remain wanting.
Breakthrough made in shoe and boot design
By Frederick Vannesse
A pressman in Lowell, Massuchuesetts filed a patent for a new modification to footwear: rubber bottoms. The pressman, named Humphrey O’Sullivan came up with the idea when he started standing on a rubber mat while working at the press. He noticed that it relieved much of the foot and leg fatigue he would typically feel by the end of the day. His colleagues began taking his rubber mat for their own use when he devised a way to keep the rubber mat on his boots and therefore unable to be taken. He nailed rubber bottoms to the his shoes and immediately realized it was the best idea he ever had. While his company attempted to challenge is patent, claiming it was designed while Mr. O’Sullivan was an employee, the patent office ignored the challenge. Mr. O’Sullivan was able to successfully patent his invention. He has started a new company which will modify existing shoes as well as manufacture new, more comfortable shoes. Those who have tried out prototypes of the shoes have said they are life changing. Mr. O’Sullivan has already been swamped with requests from locals asking for his new rubber heel.
British MP Charles Pelham Villiers passes away
By Ivy Seager
Charles Pelham Villiers was an institution among the British Parliament. Having been elected in 1835 and serving in Parliament until his death, MP Villiers was the longest running Member of Parliament. A champion of the working class people, MP Villiers made his political debut fighting against the Corn Laws, a series of tariffs that made importation of corn based food nearly impossible. The Corn Laws enriched land owners while the working class was left unable to purchase adequate amounts of food. Fellow MP Richard Monckton Milnes, said that MP Villiers was, “solitary Robinson Crusoe standing on the barren rock of Corn Law repeal.” Indeed, it was after MP Villiers anti-Corn Law campaigns that support for them dwindled, leading to their repeal. MP Villiers remained an official member of the British Parliament up to the day he died, though he had not been active in the legislative body since 1895. His passing marks an end of an era and will surely have ramifications on the British Parliament.
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