Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Two cowpokes claim to reach the “end of the world”
As we rapidly head toward the end of the year, two cowpokes claim to have reached the “end of the world.” Neither would reveal exactly how they reached the end of the world, but they did claim to have traveled northeast of the Five States. Photographs of the expedition were taken, but unfortunately damaged in development. The cowpokes described the end of the world as nothing but flat, undeveloped land and an endless ocean. “Ain’t nothing to see, but would be a nice place to settle down and build a farm,” said one of the cowpokes. Countless other cowpokes are said to have tried to reach the end of the world only to find they are unable to leave the Five States. This of course, raises a compelling question: If the end of the world is just northeast of the Five States, how does the rest of the wide world exist?
“It doesn’t,” said Gregoria Haskins, the most well known member of the Respawners. The Respawners are a group of people who believe we live in a false world and that when we die, we come back. They compare it to salmon making the journey upstream to spawn new salmon, only we go “upstream” and spawn ourselves again, a process they refer to as respawning. “The wide world doesn’t actually exist, it just seems like it does,” Miss Haskins explained, “we get reports of the world written in the papers but they are just written reports, they never actually happen, something like those novels folks read, which happen to be written by people who don’t really exist…” If you are perplexed, well then, count me as perplexed with you!
Revenue agents poisoned by confiscated moonshine
By Wylie Frey
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has suffered an embarrassing situation this week. A group of revenue agents were found in a bad way, allegedly after consuming toxic moonshine. An anonymous source within the Bureau informed me that the agents had confiscated the toxic moonshine earlier that day and that the confiscated moonshine was missing a few bottles. Officially, the untaxed moonshine is disposed of, however, the Bureau has been accused of being corrupt and consuming the moonshine they confiscate. This incident seems to confirm those accusations, at least for some agents.
A moonshiner has come forward and claimed to have intentionally sent toxic moonshine to the checkpoint. Though they provided no way to corroborate those claims. Holding up the official line, the Bureau admitted that agents were sick, but denied that the illness was the result of toxic moonshine, at least not that they drank. “Our agents were attacked with a gaseous poison, they were victims of an unhinged mob,” the Bureau said in a written statement.
Tragedy on the railroad, no train involved
By Delphia Atwood
Driving a wagon on a railroad track is always risky business. It is even riskier when when that track goes over a bridge and leaves one no exit. Thankfully, trains are loud and if one is observant, they can generally cross safely. A cowpoke driving a hunting wagon took that risk, but ended up at the bottom of a cliff. A single witness observed the wagon falling, and their testimony put together what happened. “I was hunting on the other side of that bridge, and something spooked my horse,” the witness said, “my horse took off over the bridge and I followed it.” As they ran after their horse, they saw a light in the distance and then heard a scream. “The light took a sharp turn and then a long fall,” the witness said.
The witness suggested that in the sight impeding weather, the horse’s lamp may have been mistaken for a train’s light. “Either the driver or the horse pulling the wagon wanted to avoid what they likely thought was an oncoming train, but misjudged how close the cliff’s edge was.” A posse searched the area but found the horse and the wagon driver dead.
Caroler leaves listener wanting more
By Odell Clifton
Christmas carolers have hit the Five States, spreading Christmas joy in towns across the region. Even the most hardest of cowpokes have found themselves smiling at the joyous tone of Christmas music. One such cowpoke, however, was given only a taste and left wanting. “I was enjoying a nice song and I turned around to see if anyone else was watching and the music stopped,” a cowpoke said, “and when I looked back, the caroler was gone!” The cowpoke acknowledged that the caroler seemed to have moved with supernatural speed, making them wonder, “maybe it was a Christmas angel?”
WANTED!
Investigators: Travel the Five States and report on what is going on.
Writers: Write the stories investigators find!
Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
Snow hits the Five States, weather determined to be “bizarre”
By Adam Parvey
The expected snowy season has arrived, but it left the cooler weather behind. “In most places in the Five States, snowfall is being observed alongside warm, or even hot weather,” said a Five States meteorologist, “it’s a miracle that the snow isn’t melting before it hits the ground.” In some states, the warmer weather is more noticeable. “In New Hanover, nothing seemed terribly strange about the snow,” said a cowpoke, “but in Lemoyne and New Austin, it just seems bizarre, I mean I ain’t supposed to sweat while it snows, right?” Meteorologists have been unable to explain the strange phenomena, but did point out that this is not the first time we have seen this occur in the Five States. “Every winter we get snow and every winter, warm areas stay warm. It’s like the universe only half ass changed the weather,” laughed the meteorologist. A representative of the Respawners said the meteorologist is more right than they realize.
“It’s easy, you see, to just turn on snow in a fake world,” said Respawner Malcom Ruth, “it’s a whole other thing to change the unique weather patterns across the region.” Mr. Ruth elaborated, “did you know that each state has its own range of temperature? Temperature that drops while indoors? The entire false world is meticulously detailed, but that makes it harder to just change on the fly.” While Mr. Ruth seemed perfectly satisfied with their explanation, I leave it up to you readers to try and make sense of it.
Sole witness to a murder killed by a deer
By Donna Deshner
A witness to a murder was killed before they could provide details to authorities. A resident of Valentine saw the man running and screaming about a murder. “They was runnin’ fast towards the sheriff,” the witness said. However, as the screaming man was running a buck sprang from the brush and rammed into him. The resident who saw it did confirm that they saw a cowpoke fleeing the area, however, they did not see them well enough to provide details. Not far from where the man was killed by the buck, another dead body was found. “We found a body of a man who had been shot and killed,” a deputy confirmed, “it seems the man skewered by the buck witnessed the murder but obviously died before they could give their account.” The idea that the deer was colluding with the killer has already been dismissed. “That’s crazy talk,” the deputy said, “killer just got lucky that nature took care of their problem for them.”
Krampus shotgun
By Emeline Vickroy
Rhodes’ gunsmith, Jasper Feeney, found himself in the middle of a confrontation when a customer accused him of price gouging. “16 gold bars for a damn Krampus design?” said the customer, “are you fucking kidding me?” According to a witness, the gunsmith was near to being killed. Other patrons in the store calmed the customer down, pleading with them and telling them of Mr. Feeney’s own tragic past. Years ago Mr. Feeney lost his son in an accident and though the event nearly broke Mr. Feeney’s will to live, he managed to reopen his gun shot in Rhodes. The story seemed to have calm the customer down, who maintained that the price of the engraving was far too expensive, decided it was not worth murdering the gunsmith over.
Investigation into black market currency has begun
By Frederick Vannesse
A black market currency called ‘capitale’ has come to the attention of the United States government, resulting in a federal investigation. The source of the currency is unknown, however, it is tracked with paper bills similar to the U.S. dollar. Initial investigations have suggested the currency is little more than a means of tracking loyalty and is not used for actual financial transactions. “From what we can tell at this early stage, folks are paid with ‘capitale’ for performing illegal jobs,” the lead investigator said, “then folks use this ‘capitale’ to pay for access to additional jobs. I’m not sure it can truly be called a currency at all.” The ongoing investigation will week to identify the source of capitale and whether it will have a negative effect on the national economy. “As of now, we do not see ‘capitale’ as harmful to the economy since it cannot be used as an alternative to the dollar,” the investigator said, “but if that changes we will be ready to shut it down.”
Transportation Line Between Chicago and Michigan Established!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Transportation lines are the lifeblood of Great Lakes shipping. Entire companies have been established through trade lines between various cities, transporting people and goods hopefully at a decent speed.
The latest of these lines is the South Haven/Chicago Line. It’s a mixture of people transportation and fruit cargo; the two essential products are passengers and the beloved Michigan apples. So ships designed for this line are a weird mix of passenger liner and fruit cargo vessel.
As is customary, the first ship to be launched was named after the line, the proud ship the City of South Haven. Multiple companies fought for this title, but the Dunkley Williams Transportation Company was declared the winner on that front. The runner-up was the Michigan Steamship Company, with the more uniquely named vessel, Eastland.
Passengers on these ships have described a unique experience of speed and decent quality rooms, and the ever-present aroma of apples. The line runs roughly 24 hours a day for five days in the week; this only gets busier as more ships and companies get involved.
Safety is a crucial question, as the Great Lakes are infamously not the calmest of waters. Several near accidents have already transpired, most surrounding the before-mentioned Eastland, which appears to be getting a reputation as a cranky ship. How long will this line last, and will there be any fatal accidents in the near future? One can only hope for a while, and never, are the answers to that question.
Lost Gold Still in Mexico?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Lost gold is a concept that makes the dreams of children and adults glow. The idea of finding money buried in the ground free for the finder is a lovely notion, but it’s so rarely panned out that way. Of course, lost treasure does exist; mines cave in, ships sink, faulty memory dooms material to the basement of history. But how often is it real? Not often, tales of pirate’s treasure dots the lands, but most are likely untrue stories spun from drunken stories told in taverns. But every so often, a legend is true and then some.
Long ago, when the mighty Aztec Empire ruled the lands south of the border, gold was a common commodity. When the Spanish came, they sacked the many cities of the empire and took the gold for themselves. But the gold never reached Spain; it was reported lost, not in a shipwreck but somewhere on the mainland. Its became known as the Juarez Gold.
Historians everywhere concede that the gold is real but haven’t a clue where it is now. Treasure hunters continue to enter Mexico despite pleas not to; the desire for gold overpowers all concerns for safety. People on both sides of the growing conflict in Mexico also are looking for the gold, hoping to fund their military efforts. All have failed, countless have died, just for the possibility of fulfilling a childhood fantasy.
The Five States Herald 