Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Flaming deer spotted in the Five States
A deer, allegedly on fire, was spotted running through the Five States this week. A hunter who first reported it said, “I saw smoke in the distance and rode out to it, see if I could offer help and saw the deer on fire.” The deer, however, was not dead. Not only was it not dead, but it was alive and thriving. Other hunters described it as running along with other deer as if nothing was amiss. “It was very strange,” another hunter said, “I followed it and felt the heat of the flames.” None of the hunter that saw it took a shot at it. “I figured it might be a luck thing, you know?” one hunter said, explaining why they let the creature go. A couple of campers saw the flaming deer as well. They said a grizzly approached the deer and then promptly turned away after getting too close. “Looked like it was swatting away the heat before it ran off,” said one of the campers.
Experts are at a loss for explaining this occurrence. It seems impossible and yet there are several independent reports of the flaming deer. Still, there is no photographic evidence and so many remain skeptical. If you see such a creature, take a photograph to prove the naysayers wrong.
Naked man assaults cacti
By Jose Chavez
Strange reports from New Austin this week, as a man was spotted assaulting various cacti. By assaulting, I do not mean shooting them. “This man just shed all of his clothes and jumped on a cactus,” said a witness, “and then, if you can believe it, started having relations as if it were a woman beneath him!” Several witnesses reported the event. Some saw him get up and move to a new cactus and start over again. “I saw people trying to stop him,” said another witness, “only to be pulled down into the cacti themselves!” Authorities did not respond to the reports. “Didn’t seem like they was hurting anybody but themselves, really,” said an Armadillo deputy. Eventually the strange man disappeared without ever explaining his actions.
Shootout at Thieves’ Landing
By Nick McCrary
An abduction came to a violent conclusion at Thieves’ Landing. A gang of Del Lobo gang members had abducted an identified man. The man was held at the Thieves’ Landing docks and being prepared to be transported out of the region when a gunslinger showed up. Residents of Thieves’ Landing say that the lone cowpoke then got into a gunfight with more than a dozen Del Lobo gang members. “Quite the fancy shooter,” said one a resident who witnessed the gunfight, “with matching grit to shrug off the few shots that hit them.” Del Lobo gang members attempted to fight off the gunslinger but failed, paying for that failure with their lives. Witnesses say the rescuer then freed the hostage and rode off with him to safety.
Robbery at the Chez Porter ranch
By Jane Duran
A break in was reported at the Chez Porter ranch near Window Rock. The location is often pilfered for its abundance of ginseng, but on this occasion the home itself was broken into. While authorities have a list of stolen items, it is not being released publicly at this time. They did announce, however, that they will be watching for the movement of stolen goods. “Anyone in possession of stolen goods will be treated as the thief themselves,” said one investigator, “they either stole it themselves or are into the trade of illicit items.” Investigators have already shaken down several individuals believed to be ‘fences,’ people who purchase stolen items for cheap and then resell them through a legitimate business. There has not been an increase in break ins in general, but authorities are reminding residents that the Five States is a dangerous place.
WANTED!
Investigators: Travel the Five States and report on what is going on.
Writers: Write the stories investigators find!
Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
The Great Plains Sniper makes dramatic return
By Wylie Frey
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has seen better days. Once a formidable force that seized untaxed alcohol and sent countless moonshiners into hiding is now a shadow of its former self. Under former leader Reid Hixon, the Bureau aggressively targeted moonshine operations, uprooting several major moonshine distilleries. The flow of moonshine in the Five States slowed to a drip until Hixon’s death at the hands of an unknown associate of Maggie Fike, a former moonshiner who claims to have left that life behind. Hixon’s death started a cascade of problems for the bureau, one of those problems was The Great Plains Sniper. The Sniper began targeting revenue agents in southern West Elizabeth and even managed to kill multiple new leaders of the bureau, which significantly impacted the bureau’s success.
The Bureau of Internal Revenue is now led by Agent Nathan B. Scott, who has notably not come into the Five States at all. One of Agent Scott’s early priorities was to increase revenuer presence in the Great Plains. “We will not be frightened out of doing our duty by some farmer with a rifle,” said Agent Scott, who, as previously mentioned, has not shown his face in the Five States. The increase in agents, however, was met with the return of the long dormant Great Plains Sniper. Multiple checkpoints were attacked by the Sniper. I spoke to one agent who described the attack as horrifying. Agents retreated from the region before returning in much smaller force. Agent Scott has announced a special task force to investigate the Great Plains Sniper and bring them to justice.
Fight ends with a literal disappearance
By Donna Deshner
A fight in Valentine ended in the most unexpected way this week. Witnesses say the two cowpokes began fighting near the animal pens. “I don’t know why the fight started, but it was pretty furious for a few moments,” said a witness. One of the two fighters then turned tail and ran away. “That other fella chased him though,” said a local, “he was dead set on finishing the fight.” The aggressor caught up to the runner, tackling him to the ground. When the two stood up, the aggressor punched the runner in the face so hard that the man completely disappeared. “I can’t explain it, it was like that fella wanted to escape so bad that he just went somewhere else,” the witness said, “as impossible as it sounds.” Other witnesses supported the outlandish story, even a Valentine deputy.
The bizarre disappearance harkened back to strange days of dimension hopping madness. In those days, people often saw doppelgangers and unexplainable creatures showing up in the Five States. Complete disappearances are not far fetched. “Well, you see, just because we never saw disappearances before, doesn’t mean they weren’t happening,” said Dr. W. Bishop, “if doppelgangers get into our world they must disappear from theirs, so where are our people going when they disappear?” The disappearing into another world explanation has not convinced everyone. Gregoria Haskins, of the Respawners, says the explanation is far simpler. “I suppose it isn’t entirely incorrect to say they went to another world,” said Miss Haskins, “but it is more accurate to say they simply left the fake world, or perhaps found a new ‘server.'” Miss Haskins explained that a ‘server’ is what the Respawners call a given state of the world. “The fake world must offer the illusion of reality, so it cannot fit thousands of people into the same place,” Miss Haskins explained, “so it puts small groups of people into multiple identical false worlds that we call servers, on account that they serve us a sense of reality.” This explanation was also taken with a grain of salt. “Other worlds? Servers? I don’t know about any of that nonsense,” said a resident, “but I do know how to use my gun if fellas acting shifty!”
Alienists Available for Free in Saint-Denis!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Life is an everlasting challenge that often seems insurmountable. How many of you have just wanted to sit down and just not get up on certain days? Well, I wouldn’t say there’s a cure available, but there’s something that can at least try and help.
Alienists are people who study the mind and try to understand it better. This is usually done for criminal study or court cases, but a small group of them have decided to try something else in Saint-Denis, helping people.
Not far from the police station is a small clinic where these individuals try their best to help people deal with traumatic experiences such as loss and grief. They try to ease individuals through depression and life’s many woes through various methods.
They don’t ask for anything upfront; the services are of no charge. Some skeptical people think there has to be a catch, but nothing like that has materialized so far. There has been some concern about robbery or gang-related violence, but being so close to the police has more or less alleviated such possibilities. I for one, like it when man helps their fellow man; it’s often the noblest of people who do such things.
Angelo Bronte, Saint Denis businessman, says his home was broken into
By Emeline Vickroy
Famous Saint Denis resident Angelo Bronte, long time supporter of local police and always highly engaged in local politics, had his home was broken into this week. Mr. Bronte was away when the break in happened and nobody was at home. Several items were stolen but specifics regarding those items are unknown. Police interviewed a witness who claimed to have seen someone back a wagon up to the home. They then climbed up the wagon and then into Bronte’s home. The witness then ran off to notify the police. By the time police arrived, however, the burglar was long gone. Evidence of the wagon being used to get to the second floor was found, lending support to the witness’ statement. No other information is available at this time.
Beloved New York Restaurant to expand to Five States!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The Five States have a lot of places to eat; some you could argue are even quite great. But many are merely adequate and frequently below even that standard. Fortunately, it appears we citizens will soon get a chance to have some of the best food in the entire United States.
Founded in 1887 in New York, Peter Mauser’s is widely regarded as the best steak restaurant in the country. Even as late as one in the morning, there will be lines out the door, and yet nobody complains. I myself have never tried the food, but I have on good authority, that words fail to describe the quality.
This is what makes it equally bizarre and tantalizing to know that the owners will be opening another Peter Mauser’s in Blackwater, of all places. The choice, of course, turned many heads, but they feel that even people so far out west deserve the chance to eat well.
There were some loud voices of dissent from Saint-Denis, likely because they expected to receive such a high-quality restaurant, but they can be quite sore losers. There is no timeframe for when the restaurant will open, but you’ll probably know when you see a line of people stretching for miles.
Small crowds gather in Rhode Island town
Frederick Vannesse
Three years ago Joshua Slocum left Boston, Massachusetts with the plan to circumvent the globe in a fishing boat. If successful, Mr. Slocum would become the first person to do so. Though his voyage was did see several delays and barriers, at last check in Mr. Slocum was on schedule to arrive in Newport, Rhode Island early this week. Most of the gathered people friends and family members of Mr. Slocum, though several boating enthusiasts have reportedly arrived as well. There is a feeling of optimism among the group, both in seeing something accomplished for the first time and for the return of their loved one. Should Mr. Slocum arrive or be delayed, we will keep our readers informed.
German biologist Ferdinand J. Cohn passes away
By Ivy Seager
Ferdinand J. Cohn was a pioneer in his field, becoming the first person to classify bacteria by morphology. Mr. Cohn started his journey as a botanist, studying the growth and division of plant cells. These studies were conducted by a powerful microscope purchased for him by his father while in his early 20s during the 1850s and 1860s. During the 1870s and onward, Mr. Cohn focused on studying bacteria. Mr. Cohn published 150 research papers and the University of Breslau become an innovative center for plant physiology and microbiology during his tenure. A fitting twist of fate given that Mr. Cohn’s Jewish ancestry prevented him from taking his final examinations at the University of Breslau decades earlier (he finished his education in Berlin). The scientific world will miss Mr. Ferdinand J. Cohn.
The Five States Herald 