Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Cattle rustlers removed from the Five States by force
Known cattle rustlers entered the Five States in the previous weeks, drawing the attention from local authorities. Late last week the Five States governments came together and located every single cattle rustler that had moved into the Five States and removed them. According to my sources, the rustlers were corralled into a storage depot before being put on wagons and driven out of the Five States. Upon learning about this, farmers offered a collective sigh of relief. “I already got folks coming and sedating my cattle every week, I don’t need rustlers trying to steal ’em!” said Eugene Wegner, owner of Emerald Ranch in New Hanover.
However, some have pointed out that the rustlers had not yet broken any laws. “The Five States is about second chances and new beginnings,” said one resident, “why should people who have not broken any laws in the Five States be kicked out?” Support has rallied for the removed rustlers among even those with unfavorable views on law-breakers. “Look, I don’t support stealing another man’s cattle,” said another long time resident of the Five States, “but at lease it was something new, we haven’t had new in these parts in years.” Law enforcement groups across the Five States have acknowledged the grey area they are working in, but have no regrets. “It’s true we didn’t hear about no cattle rustlin’, just the arrival of known rustlers,” admitted Sheriff Malloy of Valentine, “but now we know there won’t be no rustlin’ at all.”
Slaughter at the Armadillo saloon
By Jose Chavez
Armadillo, a town many believe is cursed given its ongoing fight with various plagues, was host to a saloon beatdown. Witnesses say that two walked into the town saloon and started physically assaulting those taking refuge there. “Not all the folks in my saloon are customers, you see,” the saloon owner said, “most are just trying to get out of the sun so they can suffer just a little less.” Those seeking comfort found very little once the men walked in. They allegedly beat several Armadillo residents to death. One cowpoke reported seeing it in action. “I stopped in Armadillo for a shot of whiskey and instead, found one many carrying a body and another beating an unmoving man,” the cowpoke said, “I decided I didn’t want that whiskey so bad and left.” It is unclear how many were killed by the pair of men, but the town sheriff did confirm that, “more than a few” non-cholera victims were buried this week.
Wanted man dragged across snow and mud
By Delphia Atwood
A pair of wanted men took refuge on top of Mt. Hagen, as wanted men often do. “I knew I wasn’t going to get my wagon up that accursed mountain,” the bounty hunter said, “so I had to get creative.” After clearing their henchmen out, the bounty hunter managed to both men hogtied. After tossing one on their horse they look back at the remaining outlaw. “That’s when my creativity hit me,” they said. The man struggled in the snow, pulling against his restraints when the bounty hunter wrapped him in a lasso. “I ensured the lasso was secure and then rode on my way,” the bounty hunter said. They then dragged the second outlaw behind them. “He kicked and screamed, but he didn’t escape,” the bounty hunter proclaimed with pride. They said they rode slowly to ensure the outlaw did not die on the way to the sheriff’s office. “Though, I suppose that was more painful for him, but more money for me,” the bounty hunter acknowledged. The wanted man’s clothes were soaked and muddy. He was not offered a change of clothes once secured in a jail cell.
Woman beat death after insulting passerby
By Odell Clifton
A woman waiting for a train at Wallace Station was assaulted and killed this week after she provoked another woman heading into the station’s general store. Witnesses say the ordeal lasted a “only a few second.” An unknown woman was walking into the station when the victim scoffed and said, “you look like you’re in the circus or theater, or something.” “That lady was very brave, but not very smart, seeing as the one she insulted was well armed and looked plenty fierce,” said the shopkeeper. The insulted woman then grabbed her insulter and punched her several times until she collapsed. She then went into the station and shopped for new clothes. “She said the blood had ruined the clothes she was wearing,” said the shopkeeper. By the time the beaten woman was attended to, her attacker was gone. The woman died on her way to the Strawberry doctor and her attacker remains unidentified.
Brilliant Composer Arrives in Five States to Get Inspiration!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Inspiration strikes in the strangest of ideas. Sometimes the best ideas I ever get, come while just lightly walking home after a busy day. The great John Wall would seem to agree. The Californian-born pianist is among the most beloved in the country, and he freely admitted to sometimes just making it up as he goes along. Nobody would have guessed that one of his tracks was inspired by just ordering two beers instead of one, but that’s the truth.
Of course, seeking inspiration is hardly a bad idea either. It’s why Wall can currently be found sitting around the saloon in Valentine, just watching life and taking notes. He says he wants to see the America few ever get to see, and that it will surely inspire another one of his masterpieces.
Of course, some take issue with being used as props to further someone’s career. Already two patrons have tried in vain to attack the composer; doubtless more will try in the weeks ahead. But if a drunken brawl or a cursed word results in a harmony that sits in the heart and refuses to leave after being heard, then isn’t it fair to say it’s worth it?
Man has a tantrum and admits to several crimes
By Emery Cosberry
The quiet morning was broken in Valentine by the shrieks of an angry man. “HOW DARE YOU NOT WORK WITH ME!” the man shouted, “YOU’RE JUST AS MUCH A CRIMINAL AS ME!” The man was shouting at a young man known as the Boy. The Boy has been implicated it multiple crimes but so far, not enough evidence has been found to make any charge stick. Valentine deputies watch the Boy closely and assured me that though they “know he’s a criminal,” the Boy has not been caught breaking any known law. The Boy has been linked to jail breaks, horse thefts, robberies, and even murder. The man yelling was Clemente Bromley, a man accused of multiple murders but who until this day managed elude the law. A Valentine resident who was cooking stew heard the Boy tell Mr. Bromley, “Ain’t personal, I just ain’t working with a man with a price on his head.” Mr. Bromley was not pleased and immediately began to yell at the Boy.
“JUST ‘CUZ I KILLED A FEW FELLERS YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME,” Mr. Bromley is said to have yelled, “BETTER THAN CLEMENTE BROMLEY!” Mr. Bromley was unaware at the time that a local deputy was standing nearby. “I had heard the yelling and wanted to ensure the safety of Valentine residents,” the deputy said, “I was quite shocked when he identified himself as Clemente Bromley.” The deputy said they kept a hand on their revolver but decided to wait to see if Mr. Bromley would further incriminate himself. “I’VE KILLED A DOZEN MEN I COULD KILL YOU TOO,” Mr. Bromley yelled, “THE LAW CAN’T CATCH ME ‘CUZ I’M TOO CLEVER FOR ‘EM AND TOO CLEVER FOR YOU!” At that point the deputy was standing behind Mr. Bromley and struck him with his gun. Mr. Bromley was knocked out and when he woke up, he found himself in a jail cell. “It ain’t that often that a criminal just about throws themselves on your doorstep,” said the deputy, “but more often than you’d believe, I reckon.”
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Fisherman Caught Up in Gunbattle!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Fishing is a serene pastime, just sitting back and watching life roll on by. Well, it was anything but peaceful for one cowpoke this week. A Mr. David Harrison was just trying to fish near a river in Lemoyne when some outlaws got caught by some off-duty police. Instead of surrendering, they took out Cattlemen revolvers and dueled it out with the law, who also returned fire.
In the middle of this altercation was poor Mr. Harrison, who had spent all morning just trying to catch some big-sized fish. Either through fear or just plain stubbornness, he kept on fishing even as bullets whizzed by his head. After about an hour, the criminals threw their guns into the river and surrendered. Harrison was still fishing; the silence was quickly broken by local reporters from Saint-Denis asking him about the gunfight. After an exhaustive list of questions, the reporters left, and he went back to fishing. He didn’t stop until the sun went down; altogether he must have fished for at least 12 hours.
He never caught anything bigger than a bluegill, but he wasn’t complaining. Most people would have given up the moment someone drew a revolver, so at the very least, one must respect this cowpoke’s determination.
Hunter attempts to steal the hide of a sedated animal, naturalist has other plans
By Emeline Vickroy
A naturalist tracked and sedated a sun alligator, however, before they were able to get their sample, a hunter came by and shot the beast in the head, killing. The naturalist turned around and was struck by the end of a rifle, incapacitating them for a moment. “When I came to, I saw the fella getting ready to skin the ‘gator I had sedated,” the naturalist said, “I had no intentions of letting them stealing my hard work.” The naturalist threw a stick of dynamite, which landed right next to the now dead alligator. The hunter quickly hid behind the alligator carcass, which shielded him from most of the blast, thus sparing his life. However, the alligator pelt was ruined. “I left the area before the smoke cleared and they could figure out what happened,” the naturalist said, “let them be angry and unable to sate their vengeance.”
Unwritten rules of the Five States
By Adam Parvey
The Five States is a vast region, containing, as the name implies, five separate states that have locked their fates together for mutual benefit. As modernization is arriving, discussion over rules and laws has become quite important. The written laws of the land are clear in most cases. Not only that, but such laws are many in some places, such as Saint Denis, and few in others, such as New Austin and Ambarino. A more interesting topic of discussion is the so-called “unwritten rules” that guide conduct in the Five States. So what are those unwritten rules? A group gathered in the Blackwater Saloon to discuss just that topic.
“If I tip my hat at you, the very minimum you could do is wave or tip yours back,” said one cowpoke, “but you should at least not shoot at me!” Such actions, another cowpoke suggested, deserve a violent response. “The moment they aim their gun at me they are my enemy,” they said, “I’ll shoot back or if I am in a particular kind of mood, just beat them with my fists.” Another resident offered an unwritten rule that federal law enforcement is sure to hate. “Never attack a moonshiner,” they said, “I mean, all they are doing is providing high quality alcohol at a low price by avoiding federal taxes, let them be!” Horse etiquette is another unwritten law many believe should be followed.
“Don’t kill another person’s horse,” a resident said rather matter of factly. “If you do kill someone else’s horse,” they went on, “you wave your white flag and go revive that horse, no reason a good animal should suffer because you’re a bad shot!” Many residents agreed that no matter what the conflict between cowpokes, the horses should be left out of it. During the discussion about horses, a hardened fellow walked into the saloon and said, “horses be damned, if you are fighting me while atop a horse, that horse is fair game to be killed and knock you to the ground for easy pickings.” One of the other cowpokes in the saloon immediately shot the man in his head for saying such a thing. The rest of the room cheered.
Another popular unwritten rule was to follow written rules, as pertain to special competitions. “I am so tired of heading to a target competitions for the bow only to have other fellas shooting their guns around like we’re at the O.K. Corral,” said one gunslinger, “just holster the damn guns and use your bow, on the targets, not competitors!” Some breakers of unwritten rules are given some grace. “If someone who just arrived acts like an asshole, well I treat them in kind,” a cowpoke said, “but not terribly fiercely, just enough to teach them their lesson to not act like a fool.” Others nodded in agreement. “Don’t attack new arrivals, you are sending them the message that the Five States are wild and lawless, full of people looking to kill each other,” a man drinking a whiskey said, “the toughest gunslingers are those that aren’t eager to pull their gun from its holster.”
The discussion of unwritten rules went on for hours, far longer than I had time to linger. If unwritten rules were to be written down, the list might be longer than one expected. However, it could simply be summed up with the words of the famous philosopher Immanuel Kant, “act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end.”
Milton S. Hershey to marry Catherine Sweeney in 10 days time
By Frederick Vannesse
Mr. Milton S. Hershey, the well known caramel confectioner is set to marry Catherine Sweeney. Mr. Hershey has become well known across not only the United States but even across the Atlantic for his caramel candies. Now a successful businessman, Mr. Hershey left school in the 4th grade and took odd jobs to support his family until he began traveling. It was during his travels that he took a job as a confectioner and learned to make caramel, a skill he used to create the Lancaster Caramel Company. While the caramel company has been a major success, Mr. Hershey has his eyes set on a new venture: chocolate. When not focusing on making better candy, Mr. Hershey spends time with his wife to be Catherine “Kitty” Sweeney. Those close to the couple say that Ms. Sweeney balances out Mr. Hershey’s hard work and ambition with compassion and kindness. The two will be wed on May 25th, at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City.
Historian Alphonse Wauters passes away in Brussels
By Ivy Seager
Born in 1817, Alponse Wauters was said to have always been fascinated by history and what came before us. By the young age of 15, Mr. Wauters was appointed the archivist of Brussels. As an archivist, Mr. Wauters worked to preserve historical documents while also make them fit for observation by others. In 1868 Mr. Wauters became a member of the Royal Academy of Science, Letters and Fine Arts of Belgium. In addition to preserving documents, Mr. Wauters also wrote several books about Belgiums history and about the art of preserving historical documents. He passed away peacefully at the age of 81 on May 1st.
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