Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Racists outraged at overnight disappearance of white robes
By Adam Parvey
Members of the Ku Klux Klan, a group of racists people with questionable spelling skills, are up in arms over the sudden disappearance of their club robes. While many were shocked to find that the purchase of white robes and hoods has become impossible in the Five States, they were even more surprised to learn their own robes and hoods were gone as well. To explain the former, private stores have promised to no longer bring these specific items into the Five States. While the government cannot ban such articles of clothing, private merchants opting to not carry them is legal and works as an effective ban. Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. have also promised not to ship such items as well. Various shipping companies have said they will fine any customers who attempt to ship white robes and hoods into the Five States. To test the effectiveness of these changes, I traveled the region looking to purchase such items and not only could not find them, but was made to feel quite unwelcome until I identified my self and my purpose.
As for the disappearance of already owned robes and hoods, that remains a mystery. Store clerks seem completely unaware of items being taken from anybody’s homes. While it is unlikely anyone would admit to breaking in and stealing items from someone, every clerk I asked seemed genuinely surprised. A klansman I spoke with expressed anger and frustration over the theft. “I have never felt so angry in my life!” he said. When I suggested that he actually felt vulnerable, his face turned red and he nearly exploded in anger. He then said, “I come from a long line of proud southerners who happen to hold certain unpopular beliefs, it’s a shame I am judged for being who I was simply born as.” When asked if he recognized the irony of his statement, it scratched his head and said, “I ain’t ironing nothin’ for you.”
Super strong bounty hunter?
By Jose Chavez
A man was captured and brought into Tumbleweed prison, a common event. What was uncommon was the claim of the prisoner. “That fella who caught me ain’t human, I tell ya!” he yelled much to Sheriff Freeman’s annoyance. He went on to explain that he was lasso’d while riding on a wagon. “I felt the rope tighten around me and then, I was yanked into the air,” the man claimed. He said he must of flown 20 feet into the air. “I had a whole crew with me and as soon as they saw him yank me like that, they fled as fast as they could and left me there!” the man complained.
Sheriff Freeman repeatedly told him to be quiet. “I don’t really care for his voice,” Sheriff Freeman said, “and he is a wanted man with a valid warrant, I don’t care if the one who captured him has super strength.” The bounty hunter was not identified by the criminal or Sheriff Freeman.
Robbery in Ambarino, foiled by traveler
By Delphia Atwood
The Porter family, who lives in isolation near Whinyard Straight were nearly robbed this week. However, this was not the typical cowpoke arriving to “borrow” some ginseng. Some outlaws attempted to rob the family by gun point until a traveler came by. They heard shouting and investigated, arriving just in time to thwart the would be robbers. “I couldn’t believe the entire thing, I never see such random events!” exclaimed the hero. Being a crack shot, the traveler was able to quickly drive the attackers away. By driving them away, I mean killed each and every one of them and drove them off the mortal plane. The Porter family was thankful and offered their hero unlimited supply of ginseng. “If it’s harvestable, it’s yours,” the patriarch said, before adding, “just keep your hands off my daughter, she’s mine.”
Scars, Sexy or Scary?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The number of people who received ghastly wounds in this nation’s numerous wars is far too great to count. Not to mention skirmishes across the frontier against native tribes and animals. These wounds tend to leave a mark, and there’s little one can do about it. But do these deep cuts come with advantages?
A recent polled question from Blackwater asked plainly, do you find scars attractive or off-putting. This was mainly asked towards women, although many men did answer. The majority, as much as 60 percent, said they do find it attractive or cool. The standard answer is that such wounds add character; it proves your tough. Only about 25 percent said scars were seen as creepy or off-putting, and even then, the most common example was disfiguring wounds. The remaining 15 percent didn’t have a strong opinion one way or the other.
Well, there you have it, I suppose. Any veterans of the war with Spain who tragically were wounded, it appears you’re more likely than not going to receive romantic attention. I guess even war sometimes has benefits for those who fought and survived.
Smithfield’s Saloon becomes the smoke-filled saloon
By Emery Cosberry
Despite the end of the BHTNC, gold nugget challenges have remained across the Five States. Some localities have reported having an excess of gold nuggets left over from the days of the BHTNC, while others have reported new benefactors. “We have a mysterious benefactor,” said Sheriff Curtis Malloy of Valentine, “who has been generously providing funding to programs the town simply can’t fund on its own.” The motivation for the mysterious benefactor is unknown and some have speculated that they are in the tobacco business.
“They offer gold nuggets to anyone who smoked or chewed tobacco,” said the owner of Smithfield’s Saloon, “and for some reason folks choose to smoke in their local saloon instead of outside.” As a result, Smithfield’s Saloon in Valentine was filled with smoke nearly all day. “I couldn’t even see who I was serving!” complained the bartender. Several patrons who do not smoke opted to not enter the saloon. “I was going to go have a beer after a long day of work,” said a local farmhand, “but couldn’t tolerate the smoke, made my lungs hurt and my eyes water.” One many who came to the saloon to have their mustache trimmed walked out with half a mustache. “The damn smoke made seeing what I was doing quite difficult, snipped the gentleman’s mustache on one side far too short!” the barber explained. Despite the inconvenience, the saloon owner said they made plenty of money. “Folks who smoke a lot tend to drink a lot,” the owner said, “suppose they gotta wet the whistle after all that smoking dries their mouth out.”
Cross Dressing in the Five States
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
A man walks into a store in Rhodes and asks for clothing; this Is pretty typical, nothing out of the ordinary, but it’s what he ordered that made the shop owner pause. He asked for a wide-brimmed hat, a skirt, and a corset. Not for a wife or girlfriend, but for himself!
The man was ejected from the store, but that’s unlikely to stop him. Dressing up as the opposite sex has a long tradition; how many stories do you recall that feature a woman dressing up as a man to join the army? But this trend has started to become notable in the Five States, and shop owners aren’t having it. Buy what suits you or get out is the motto, and they aren’t likely to budge.
Why do people cross-dress? I couldn’t say, I’m not an alienist; it could be as simple as the fabric feels better or something far more complex. I’ve never had the inclination to wear trousers and cowboy boots. While it’s undoubtedly a strange movement, I myself wouldn’t toss out someone if I owned a store; business is business, after all.
Stories spread across the Five States about the “Newb Collector”
By Lucien Privitt
If you find yourself in any decently populated town in the Five States, you may hear about the “Newb Collector.” A cowpoke who goes around finding newcomers to the Five States and brings them into their posse. In so doing, they share with newcomers a hearty stew and take them on adventures across the region. “I met the Newb Collector and well, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of them,” one newcomer said, “but the stew was good and so I followed along and they really showed me the ropes.” Several recent arrivals share similar stories, with one even seemingly rescued by the Newb Collector. “I had just been attacked, my poor horse, a scrawny nag, was downed by a passing cowboy,” the newcomer said, “I hid behind a tree and they left but I was there helpless, watching more poor malnourished horse die.” However, the Newb Collector arrived and revived the poor horse and even fed it a hearty meal.
Little is known about the Newb Collector’s identity. They share little about themselves, focusing instead on survival skills and tips for flourishing in the Five States. The word “newb” came from the Collector themselves, who allegedly told one of the newcomers, “helping newbs is what I do.” What the word meant exactly the newcomer did not know, but understood it to mean newcomers to the Five States. If you are only recently arrived in the Five States, hope that you are collected by the Newb Collector to give you the head start you need in the Five States.
Support for Mother’s Peace Day grows in the U.S.
By Frederick Vannesse
Started in 1872 following the Civil War by Julia Ward Howe, Mother’s Peace Day was a call for peace across the nation. Activists tired of the war came together to champion peace over conflict. Almost 30 years later, Mother’s Peace Day targets global conflict. “After the disastrous war with the Spanish, we seek to end all wars,” said one activists, “everyone has a mother and everyone should listen to their mother and give peace a chance.” Mother’s Peace Day is not an officially recognized holiday anywhere, but that has not stopped activists from using their motherly roles to call for peaceful resolutions over violence. “One day Mother’s Peace Day will be globally recognized,” said another activist, “it will be celebrated as a day to honor peace and companionship over conflict and hate.”
Confusion as Italian Football League kicks off its first, or perhaps second, season
By Rutherford X. Downing
The promotional material is clear: it’s 1898 and the debut of the Italian Football League. Fans from across Italy and Europe have come to watch the inaugural season. There is just one strange hiccup, players and some fans feel like they have been here before. One fan said, “not only do I remember opening day, but I remember Genoa going all the way and becoming the champion!” Genoa players remember celebrating what they recall was a championship victory, however, no such championship trophy in their clubhouse. League officials seem sure this is the first season, pointing to the blank trophy that will be rewarded to the best team. Still, bets on Genoa to end the season as the champions have started to pour in, making them a favorite in nearly every game they played. One gambler has even laid out their bets for every single game, though they did not explain why they chose the winners they did. Confusion or not, the next season of the Italian Football League is underway.
The Five States Herald 