Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Flying disc spotted flying over New Austin crashes near Mexico
By Lucien Privitt
Bizarre stories are quite common in the Five States. In fact, one might say the bizarre is quite common in this region. Several residents in New Austin claimed to have seen a flying disc soaring in the sky. Local sheriff’s office and state law enforcement agencies received numerous telegrams reporting the sightings. Panic grew across New Austin as residents feared the worst. “We were receiving dozens of telegrams an hour for quite awhile,” said an agent at a state law enforcement office, “then suddenly, nothing.” The final reports seemed to indicate the flying disc was falling out of the sky. Where the flying disc crashed could not be determined and so the story seemed to grow cold. The very next day, however, we were contacted by someone who claimed to have evidence of the flying disc.
I met them at a location I cannot disclose where they told me their story. They came across the flying disc while it was hovering just inches above the ground. After looking around and not finding anyone with the device, they climbed in and managed to fly the disc. They described flying the disc as intuitive and “amazing fun.” However, at some point they lost control and crashed the ship. After telling me the story we rode to a new location and in the distance, I saw it. The flying disc protruding from the ground where it had crashed. Still in one piece, I could not quite grasp what I was looking at. While I was not allowed to get close, as they claimed it was dangerous to do so, I was able to get a photograph. As it was crashed, I could not confirm that it had ever flown, but seemed to at least confirm what some witness reports claimed. As I was leaving the location, a crew of workman showed up to move the craft to a new location. “I’m gonna keep it safe, you know, so the public doesn’t get hurt by whatever dangerous gas this thing is leaking now,” the mysterious cowpoke said. So was it real? You decide.
Tumbleweed engulfed in darkness
By Jose Chavez
Several residents of Tumbleweed reported a strange phenomena occurring in the town when a stranger rode in. “This stranger looked a bit shifty from the start,” said one resident, “and we knew they were of the underhanded sort when they brough darkness with them.” Several other residents support the story, claiming that a stranger rode into town and unexplainable darkness soon followed. The darkness appeared “out of nowhere” and seemed to target the stranger. “The darkness didn’t come from the stranger,” a witness said, “but it appeared and enveloped them first.” Soon the entire town was covered in a darkness that sight could not pierce.
Residents reported being unable to see inches in front of them. On occasion the darkness shifted, allowing moments of sunlight to pierce through. The moment became increasingly tense as residents walked into each other, often resulting in short fist fights. Eventually the stranger who residents say brought the darkness yelled out an apology, saying, “this hasn’t happened to me in two weeks, I’m not sure what’s going on!” Several residents responded with sympathy, but still demanded an end to the darkness. The stranger rode out of town, which way nobody can say, and darkness retreated. Confused residents went about their day.
Hunting party ends without its prey
By Delphia Atwood
A posse of hunters headed up to O’Creagh’s Run to search for the elusive Emerald Wolf. The hunting party searched for days, from dusk to down. The wolf remained elusive. “We avoided hunting at night, seeing as the wolf would have the advantage,” one of the hunters said, “that may have been a mistake.” It is possible they may have spotted the Emerald wolf had they hunted at night, however it is just as likely that the wolf would have seen them first. The failed hunting expedition has raised concerns regarding over-hunting. Over-hunting has been a problem in the past. In the last 100 years bison and alligators have their population reduced significantly due to overhunting. While alligators have maintained a healthy population, they are much smaller than what was seen just 50 years ago. Bison are on the verge of full fledged extinction. Is the emerald wolf next?
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Undercover saloon raid ends with no arrests
By Nick McCrary
The beleaguered Bureau of Internal Revenue suffered yet another embarrassment this week. An anonymous source in the Bureau said that a raid on an illegal alcohol still went horribly wrong. Agents had planned the raid for a few weeks. Undercover agents made multiple purchases of untaxed alcohol to earn the trust of bootleggers, which eventually earned several undercover agents invites to an exclusive party at an underground saloon. My source said the saloon was literally underground. The agents were to assess the saloon to verify the untaxed nature of the alcohol served there while support agents would later break into the saloon to make arrests. However, when the support agents arrived there was no music and no people aside from the agents. Most of the undercover agents were unconscious, with one dead.
An examination of the alcohol in their cups and spilt around them suggested that they were poisoned. “The alcohol had significant amounts of poison poppy,” said my anonymous source, “a toxin known to cause serious internal discomfort and in some cases, death.” The entire underground saloon was empty, including the alcohol still. “It was definitely a setup,” my source confirmed, “they figured out they were undercover and poisoned them to send a message.” The Bureau refused to comment officially and it is unclear how this will impact future investigations.
Many fishermen and fisherwomen appear to be struck dumb
By Adam Parvey
Political leadership is concerned about a new trend in the Five States that they say may have drastic consequences for the region. Several cowpokes have suddenly become unable to bait their fishing rods or even cast them into the bodies of water. Afflicted folks range from experienced to novices with no known connection between them. One person described their condition, “one morning I went out to fish like I’ve done at least a thousand times before, but, I could not bring myself to bait my hook, as if I had just forgot how to do it!” Strangely, many of the afflicted have said they can recall memories of them baiting their hooks and casting their rods. Yet, when they attempt to do so now they become confused and unable to physically carry out the task their mind is assigning them. Political leaders are concerned that a neurological disease is spreading in the Five States, a disease that could cripple the region’s economy and push residents away. “I love fishing and the Five States has the best fishing in the world,” one afflicted cowpoke said, “but if I can’t fish here, then why should I even be here, fishing is all there is to do!”
Doctors and other experts have been summoned to the Five States. However, they have opted to remain just outside of the Five States borders. The group plans to bring afflicted persons to them so that they can control the environment and reduce the likelihood of increased transmission. “If we all go into the Five States without knowing what is going on, we risk becoming afflicted too,” said one doctor, “and while I don’t fish, are we sure this disease won’t get worse?” The doctors discussed possibilities of folks forgetting how to ride a horse, forcing them to walk everywhere, or even forgetting how to use a gun. Residents are advised to avoid crowded places but to continue with their daily routine as long as they can remember what it is.
Saloon goers stunned by attempted murder gone wrong
By Donna Deshner
Smithfield’s Saloon in Valentine is no stranger to gunfights and death. This week however, even the hardened drinkers questioned whether they drank too much. According to multiple witnesses, a gunslinger walked up to the Smithfield poker table with a shotgun and killed the three men playing poker. “They blew the poor bastards’ heads right off!” one witness said. However, death seemed to have lost its hold on the headless men. “I understand if you don’t believe it, but I saw it with my own eyes,” a witness said before explaining, “the headless men just stood up and started walking around.” Witnesses say that the attacker shot them multiple times, but the headless men continued walking around until eventually sitting back down at the table. Despite not having heads, witnesses say the men started playing poker again. The owner of Smithfield’s Saloon refused to confirm the stories but denied accusations of serving poisoned alcohol, which may have caused hallucinations.
New drug on the streets of Saint Denis?
By Emeline Vickroy
Police in Saint Denis have announced that they have discovered a new psychotropic plant being used by people to become inebriated. “We found a few folks at the docks smoking the plant like a cigarette,” said a Saint Denis lawman, “only, they were making a mess with food wrappers and beer bottles all over the floor around them.” Further, the lawman described the men as acting strange. “Their bodies were kind of sagging, like they were going to fall over,” the lawman said. Given the mess surrounding the group, they were arrested for littering and public intoxication. The remaining unsmoked plant was confiscated by the lawman, however, my source in the Saint Denis Police Department said no plant was entered as evidence. The psychotropic plant is being called “swamp weed,” as it is believed to be grown and harvested in the bayou.
Wheeler, Rawson and Co. facing backlash over displaying their Halloween Pass despite it no longer being available
By Lucien Privitt
Open up the current Wheeler, Rawson and Co. catalogue and you will find an ad for the limited edition Halloween Pass. The pass, which was free for customers who purchased a series of previous passes, was full of Halloween themed items. Despite still being prominently featured in the current edition of their catalogue, it is no longer able to be purchases and its rewards are no available either. “It’s basically a kick in the nuts,” said one cowpoke, “flip open the book and think I can purchase the pass only to see that I can’t.” Customers have accused the Wheeler, Rawson and Co. company of intentionally taunting them with new stuff that is unavailable for purchase. “It is especially cruel when you consider that nothing new has come to the Five States is over a year,” said one customer. Wheeler, Rawson and Co. is unlikely to update the catalogue anytime soon. A spokesman said, “printing new catalogues isn’t cheap and, well, we are the only game in the Five States, where would shoppers go?”
Vampire Scare in New England?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Towns in Rhode Island are currently experiencing an outbreak of tuberculosis, always a tragedy when that disease rears its ugly head. Those stricken with it will not beat it; nobody ever beats the TB blues, as one man once said. You can only extend your life by months, sometimes years, if lucky. What causes such diseases are often unclear, but some citizens think they know the answer.
As of this moment, cemeteries are being dug up, and bodies violently staked. It seems almost medieval, and that’s because it is. For one reason or another, God-fearing citizens in Rhode Island believe this terrible plague has come because of a vampire living among them. They believe some citizen has faked their death and quietly waits in the grave for the opportunity to kill and eat and spread disease.
Scientific reactions are, of course, amused and appalled, but can do nothing to convince the believers of their folly. These actions might spread the disease further, as corpses are a known breeding ground for terrible illnesses. Will the people find a real vampire? They’ll probably settle on someone as being guilty, but by then, the damage shall have been done.
Russian Flagship Explodes and Sinks!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Another day, another embarrassment for the Russian Empire. At this point, one could be forgiven for assuming Russia is at war with someone. But no, still just maneuvers to intimidate Japan; they just keep somehow causing casualties on their side. This week, however, must take the cake for absolute destruction. The flagship of the Russian fleet has sank, somehow.
The Russian warship Makarov, the pride of the fleet, mysteriously exploded while during training exercises in the Yellow Sea. No firsthand accounts fully describe what happened beyond a fire started at some point; it spread throughout the ship before detonating the forward magazine compartment. Crew casualties are unknown but presumed to be numerous.
The Russian Empire immediately blamed sabotage from the Japanese, very similar to Spain’s response to the USS Lewiston explosion. Japan countered by saying it was clear Russian incompetence, possibly started by an unlit match from a cigar. The finger-pointing likely will continue for sometime, conflict may arise from it, or perhaps nothing will come from it.
Regardless of what happened, either a massive ship sank because of sabotage Russia couldn’t stop, or incompetence from Russia. Which makes them look better?
The Five States Herald 