Man killed in old blood for “yelling in multiple voices”
By Alois Burditt
Two cowpokes crossed paths in Tumbleweed, leading to the death of one and an arrest warrant for the other. Witnesses stated that the killer did not appear agitated when they arrived in the town. “They sold me some meat,” said the town butcher, “and then headed to the gunsmith.” The killer never arrived at the gunsmith, however, as they took an interest in a cowpoke at the general store. “They just started yelling at the other cowpoke,” said a witness, “they yelled, ‘mute yourself dammit, I don’t wanna hear your entire household!’ which, well didn’t make much sense right?” According to several witnesses, the cowpoke completely ignored the killer. “They got more and more frustrated,” said a witness, “I didn’t hear a damn thing but the killer said the cowpoke had too many voices.” After several minutes the killer’s frustration became too much and they pulled out a pistol and fired a single shot in the other cowpoke’s head. Shockingly, witnesses stated that the killer still complained about the voices, “why won’t you shut up! Mute yourself!” they yelled at the dead body. When deputies attempted to arrest the killer, they fled the town. An arrest warrant was issued, but as of press time they were not caught.

Man Who Survived Waterfall Dies from Banana Peel
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
A man or woman can perform a great deed worth remembering for all times.  But life goes on; there is no such thing as a happy ending; we continue to live until we cease to be.  This week we found a golden example of someone who had a happy ending, but life continued all the same.

Andrew Lutece is quite famous in the Five States for being the only person to survive going over Donner Falls in a barrel.  He did what many considered impossible and became a hero for it.

That was ten years ago, in the time since he toured the nation with that famous barrel, giving speeches at various colleges and sponsoring various products.  He was living the life he always wanted.  That dream came to a tragic end when he was walking the streets of New York.  He stepped on a banana peel he didn’t notice and slipped, breaking his leg. 

The leg soon got infected with gangrene, doctors at a local hospital realized the only way to save his life was to amputate the leg.  Unfortunately, the operation was less than successful, and he soon died from complications related to the surgery.

That’s how the American Dream ended for Andrew Lutece; he went from being on top of the world to six feet under in a matter of weeks because of a discarded fruit.  Truly a tortured metaphor if there ever was.

Woman’s reputation as a defensive shooter over after killing “toxic” cowpoke
By Odell Clifton
“I don’t begrudge hunters, but I was trying to get a sample and already shot the bison with sedative rounds,” the woman said, “I was just waiting for it to go down when some woman rode up and shot it dead.” The blood samples are said to lose their purity when the animal is dead. Feeling frustrated over being denied the fruit of her labor, the woman loaded an explosive round into her rifle. The bison killer watched, likely as a result of the woman being marked as a “defensive shooter,” a status that affords cowpokes a bit of protection from others. “It is a controversial thing,” said Blackwater Police Chief Oswald Dunbar, “attacking a defensive shooter earns one increased penalties, but some think it’s a failed program.” The woman, despite her status as a defensive shooter, fired at the bison killer, blowing her head clean off her shoulders. “We had to immediately revoke her defensive shooter status,” said Chief Dunbar, “seeing as she was now an aggressor.” Others, however, have defended the woman’s actions. “She wasn’t the aggressor, she was defending her labor,” said another cowpoke, “if one can’t defend their labor without penalty, then what freedom do we have?” Despite the revoking of her defensive shooter status, she was not arrested for the killing of the bison killer. “Folks make their own beds, she can’t claim defensive shooter status, but certainly nobody is going to arrest a woman just trying to make a living and defending it,” said Chief Dunbar.

Cold blooded murderer claimed to have been hunting beast when they killed Valentine resident
By Donna Deshner
An unnamed traveler was walking through the main street of Valentine when witnesses say he became suddenly still. “They looked real tense like,” said a witness, “just sort of stared at a fella out of the corner of their eye.” According to witnesses, the traveler slowly turned around and walked toward the campfires across from the town butcher. After sitting at the fire crafting for several minutes, the traveler walked back onto the main street and right toward a Valentine resident. A witness nearby heard the traveler say, “I know what you are skin walker, and I won’t let you keep eating these fine folk.” The resident accused of being a ‘skin walker’ laughed and reportedly said, “what are you going on about?” That was the end of the conversation. The traveler pulled out a double barrel shotgun and fired two shots of ‘incendiary’ rounds at the resident. Witnesses say it went up in flames screaming. “It’s screams were certainly blood curdling, but not sure they were the stuff of monsters,” said one of the witnesses.

A skin walker is an Indian legend, a sort of spirit that can possess a person or an animal and walk around in its skin. Some believe the skin walker is not a monster, but a creature that can wear the skin of its victims. The body of the Valentine resident was examined and it was determined he died from the shotgun attack. It was not determined that he was a monster. “Not sure how one can determine a ‘skin walker,'” said Dr. Ben Calloway, “but this poor fella looked as human as anyone else I’ve examined.” The traveler was arrested for murder.

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Thanksgiving Mishaps Abound in Saint-Denis!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Thanksgiving, the time of celebration and joy with family and friends.  A time of laid-back entertainment, eating, and rarely much more.  Unless you are the Holbrook family of Saint-Denis, then your day was anything but dull.

It started off well enough; the family of four cooked a turkey and other classic food items.  The family sat down and gave grace before eating.  At one point, the eldest son remembered he had a revolver in his pocket, so he got up to put it away.  Somehow, the poor kid tripped and fell, causing the gun to go off. 

The bullet whizzed past Ms. Holbrook, shattering a window behind her.  She fainted from the shock and fell into the table of food.  Police soon arrived and upon noticing a woman who wasn’t moving, and a young man holding a gun, assumed it was murder.

The child was thrown into a jail cell, and only at midnight, when the mother was proven to be alive and well, was he released.  Police are not currently expected to apologize or pay for the window repairs. 

So the next time you think your Thanksgiving went poorly, maybe consider that it can always get worse!

Man drowns off the docks of Saint Denis
By Emeline Vickroy
A man died this week when he drowned off of the Saint Denis docks. Initial reports indicated that the man’s death was caused by a boat striking him as it docked. However, witnesses say the man was jumping from boat to boat, swimming the gaps between when he disappeared beneath the water. The boats around the man at the time were completely still. Dock workers immediately searched for the man after he went under. For several minutes they searched fruitlessly until the man’s body floated to the surface nearby. He was unconscious when he was found and efforts to resuscitate him failed. Authorities have labeled the death a preventable accident. “It was indeed an accident,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “and if he wasn’t such a fool, could have been prevented.”

Ice storm returns for third year in a row, claiming the ‘same’ ships as before
By Adam Parvey
Is the country trapped in a “time loop?” That is what some are saying as a major ice storm hits the New England area again. “Last year, and the year before that, this area has been hit with an ice storm unlike anything we’ve seen, except for the previous years,” said one observer. The storm has taken the lives of over 400 people, “again,” according to the observer. As evidence of the claim, a group of people have said that the SS Portland was destroyed for a third time. Records regarding the ship do not support this claim. However, an article in this paper does cover the destruction of the SS Portland previously. Records do not show that the ship was destroyed previously or rebuilt at any point. Those who believe in the time loop theory claim that we are trapped in 1898 and unable to perceive events repeating over and over. They do not explain where the time loop started or why it remains. Despite what seems to be convincing evidence, the time loop theory has been rejected to the majority of scientists.

Breaking news! Swiss writer dies
By Ivy Seager
Conrad Ferdinand Meyer passed away this morning. He was well known as one of the best literary realists of his generation. Mr. Meyer wrote several historical novels and novellas, placing his stories right in the middle of some of history’s most defining moments. Being more than a one trick pony, Mr. Meyer also wrote a collection of ballads. His ballads followed historical themes and a narrative flow, making his songs very much like stories. The historical moments Mr. Meyer focused on more included the Middle Ages, the Reformation, and the Counter-Reformation. His passing away came at the age of 73. He is said to have passed away peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. His works are already starting to be collected and catalogued.

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