Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Grave Renovations Available in Five State Herald!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Time is the cruelest master of all. Empires and great people have been reduced to ruins and dust by the march of time. Death itself is not the last thing time will take from us; sadly, even our final resting places will continue to crumble. Tombstones wither and collapse; graves are dug up, coffins rot away, and bones snap and fade. But it doesn’t always have to be like this; restoration is possible.
For a nominal fee, tombstones can be restored and rebuilt. A man in Saint-Denis, Thomas Doughty, has spent the last couple of years restoring numerous graves across the Five States. His method is pretty routine; after payment, he will head to the cemetery, locate the tombstone, and assess the damages. If the grave has fallen over, he will construct a new one; if they are still standing, he will clean them and chisel new words. Occasionally he’ll add a photo of the deceased if one is available. For a monthly fee, he will also make sure a grave is well maintained and not being taken over by the ground or grass.
Some may wonder, why care if the person in question is dead. For some, nobody cares when you’re dead; for others, it’s the most important thing. Being forgotten for all of history and being reduced to nothing is a cruel fate deserving of few.
Ax man takes over train
By Jose Chavez
A group of outlaws boarded a train, working together to overthrow the train’s guards. Several passengers were harmed in the process, however the robbery was stopped midway through. A noticed the outlaws and jumped onto the train. Wielding an ax, the man went to work to take out the outlaws. “It was pretty amazing, if I’m being honest,” said one witness, “I watched him hack a man in the chest and then throw the ax at another man with a gun.” A few members of the outlaw gang approached on horseback when they noticed something was amiss. They were unable to reach the train as the man pulled out another couple of axes and managed to kill them both with a solid throw to the chest to each of them. The did not ask for a reward. Passengers spent several hours going through the stolen items to get their possessions back.
WANTED!
Investigators: Travel the Five States and report on what is going on.
Writers: Write the stories investigators find!
Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
Bounty hunter takes fall, fails the one hour challenge
By Jane Duran
A one hour challenge was issued this week to bounty hunters. The challenge involved successfully turning in two bounties within one hour to be rewarded with gold nuggets. A bounty hunter took the challenge in Strawberry and it started off well. “I caught a bastard not far from the town,” the bounty hunter said, “and had them back in Strawberry quickly so I took another bounty hoping to get those precious gold nuggets.” The second bounty was ill-fated from the very beginning. “The last known location of the target was Mr. Hagen, but I was committed,” the bounty hunter explained.
It all went wrong on Mt Hagen, as bounties often do. It was a single target and the bounty hunter took the precaution of walking beside the horse and leading it down with the target on its back. Unfortunately, he bounty hunter slipped and tumbled down the mountain. Their horse walked the rest of the way down the mountain, with the hogtied bounty still on its back. “I hurt my leg but was able to get back on my horse,” the bounty hunter said, “and I was able to turn in the bounty, just not within the one hour time limit.” The bounty hunter gave up the challenge and instead, rented a hotel room and called it a night.
Cougar attacks increase south of Blackwater
By Nick McCrary
Nearly a dozen cougar attacks have been reported in the last few days just south of Blackwater. Two of the victims were found dead, three others managed to arrive in Blackwater to report the attack before succumbing to their wounds. The others have all survived with various wounds. One man had his arm amputated but he is expected to live. The most common wounds were lacerations, some very deep. Several also had bite marks.
One survivor said they managed to shoot the cougar, but no body was found. “If he managed to shoot it, it was a surface wound,” said one investigator, “in which case, maybe it will succumb to an infection.” Hunters have set out for the cougar but have been unsuccessful. “hunting parties seem to never come across the cougar,” said a Blackwater policeman, “it’s like the cougar knows when it is being hunted and keeps out of sight.” Authorities are advising caution and recommending vigilance while traveling south of Blackwater.
Valentine barber loses business amidst spike in demand
By Emery Cosberry
It has typically been understood that when demand is high for any given item or service, that for providers of that item or service will gain business. However, that understanding failed in Valentine as a result of external influences. Several cowpokes would walk into Smithfield’s Saloon in order to visit barber. The first few were able to see the barber with no issue, but about midday, a posse of ne’er do wells arrived in Smithfield’s and began harassing everyone visiting the barber. Some made it to the barber, only to be harassed or even attacked afterwards. Many were unable to make it to the barber at all as the drunken outlaws began attacking on sight. Valentine deputies efforts to stop the ne’er do wells resulted in a classic Valentine shootout.
The ne’er do wells fled the town and for a time, the barber was able to help customers. A new group of outlaws soon arrived and picked up where the previous group left off. The barber finally gave up and closed shop. This did not end the violence, however, as the outlaws began harassing everyone who walked into the saloon. The saloon owner had no choice but to close the saloon for the night and let everyone sleep off their wild side.
Sea Shanty Contest Flourishes in Saint-Denis!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
“Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass!” A phrase that was loudly heard near the docks of the busiest city in the Five States. One may think it’s a drinking contest, but it’s quite another thing. A celebration of an age-old tradition.
Sea shanties are sailor songs, often a way to pass the time or coordinate ship-based tasks. Most of these songs came from early this century, but some have origins centuries before in taverns. Topics ran from singing of lovely Spanish ladies, to homesick feelings, and drinking.
This week, a bunch of hardened sailors decided to hold an impromptu sea shanty contest, admission was a dollar, and the winner gains all the dollars donated. Dock managers were less than pleased at this event but mostly have let it go on. It has boosted morale and productivity, the most important thing to them.
Passersby have stopped to observe the singing; many have immensely enjoyed the experience. Several citizens joined in to sing songs like Drunken Sailor or Homeward Bound. On the off chance some business executive doesn’t intervene, this will probably become an occasional event.
Singing might sound unimportant, something not worth remembering. But to quote that same song from the start, titled, Here’s a Health to the Company, “Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain. For we may or might never all meet here again!”
Bert Higgins released from federal custody
By Adam Parvey
The Bureau of Internal Revenue released Bert Higgins this week as a result of pressure from a volunteer attorney. Miss Pattie Bridge read about Mr. Higgins plight in our paper last week and took a train to be his attorney. Mr. Higgins stated he had never met Miss Bridge but that he welcomed her assistance. After a few days in custody, Mr. Higgins was in a strange state. “He was more clearheaded than when he was arrested,” said one of the guards, “but he still just said he couldn’t remember anything.” Miss Bridge pointed out that the only evidence was for the purchase of alcohol, which technically is not illegal. “My client bought alcohol, he has no responsibility to ensure the seller has paid the appropriate taxes,” Miss Bridge argued in an arraignment hearing, “is a buyer responsible for ensuring the local general store is up to date on its licenses and fees?”
The Bureau of Internal Revenue argued that Mr. Higgins was a key witness for the wider investigation into illegal alcohol in the Five States. However, because Mr. Higgins was unable to provide any useful information the judge sided with Miss Bridge, stating, “Mr. Higgins is clearly an alcoholic who has committed no crime and has memory problems from his constant state of inebriation, and seeing now way he will be useful to any investigation, I am ordering him released and ordering the Bureau of Internal Revenue to cease all harassment of Mr. Bert Higgins. Mr. Higgins celebrated at a local saloon, where he said his usual liquor is tastier and stronger.
New Heavyweight Boxing Champion crowned
By Rutherford X. Downing
Boxing fans in Brooklyn, New York were treated to an amazing championship bout. Defending champion Bob Fitzsimmons of England was taken to the limit by American fighter James J. Jeffries. The fight went into the 11th round when Jeffries landed a knock out blow. Fitzsimmons went down hard and was unable to respond before the count out was completed. The largely American audience erupted in cheers when Fitzsimmons went down and erupted again when Jeffries was awarded the championship. Jeffries vowed to be a fighting champion and take on all comers.
Harry Vardon wins British Men’s Open
By Ivy Seager
The Channel Island native, born to a French mother and British father, got his start in golf as a caddie. Mr. Vardon showed no interest in golf when he was younger and took the caddie position as a way to make money. As a caddie, Mr. Vardon played golf for the first time. Those who hired a young Mr. Vardon said he had a natural swing and with just a little tutelage could be a champion. That prediction was realized this in 1896 when Mr. Vardon won his first golf championship. Mr. Vardon continued his success this year when he won his second championship, besting rival Willie Park Jr. by a single stroke. The rivalry between Vardon and Park is expected to entertain fans for years.
The Five States Herald 