Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Controversial moving program is brought to an end, again
Veteran cowpokes are celebrating across the Five States as news was announced that the program that subsidized moving into the Five States was ending. The program, though successful in bringing a record number of folks to the Five States, was controversial for allegedly bringing too many of the wrong kinds of folks. “Not sure why they tried again, we knew it would happen just like it did before,” said one cowpoke, “folks don’t have to pay directly to come in so they tour the Five States and attack random people!” Authorities across the Five States have confirmed this, stating that there is a clear rise in violent crime whenever the program has been active. “One interesting trend we’ve noticed is that many of these folks caught in violent crimes are originally from a town called Los Santos,” said a policeman in Blackwater, “I don’t know this town but I don’t suspect it’s a place for peaceful people if so many violent people reside there.
Not all local authorities tracked where new arrivals came from, so this trend is difficult to confirm beyond Blackwater. With the announcement that the program is ending, it is expected that violent crimes will once again decline. “This program has come and gone in the past and it always seems to take the increase in violence with it,” said a member of the BHTNC who spoke on a condition of anonymity. “It is also important to note,” they said, “that some of the new arrivals stay and pay their way, becoming productive members of the Five States.” For the BHTNC, these new arrivals who stay her permanently are worth the short term rise in crime. For the victims of those crimes, however, the cost is not worth it. “My horse was killed by some new arrival, just walked up and shot it dead,” one person said, “I killed that asshole of course, but my horse is still dead!” So as the program is being ended shortly, most in the Five States are celebrating.
Cowpoke storms out of Tumbleweed Saloon after repeat maximum bets
By Alois Burditt
Another round of poker leaves yet another cowpoke frustrated. Patrons of the Tumbleweed Saloon were shocked this week when a poker player tossed the table over and abruptly left. The cowpoke yelled at one of the other players, “maximum bet again!” before he throwing their tantrum. In the Five States, the uniform rule for poker is to limit betting to $5 per hand. The limit on maximum bets is meant to keep the game going and prevent players from losing all of their hard earned cash in a single hand. The unintended consequence, however, is that it has ruined the game according to many players. “I don’t mind losing money, I just want to have fun,” said another gambler, “but when someone sits at the table and puts $5 down right from the beginning, there is no fun to be had.” Indeed, this paper has covered fights, shootouts, and straight up murder, over such tactics being employed. Every town with a poker table has a local sheriff or police station that has even more stories about this incident than this paper does! Tumbleweed sheriffs were just outside the saloon and responded to the incident, though as the angry cowpoke was leaving town, they saw no reason to intervene. Nobody was reported as being seriously harmed.
Bounty collector found dead, note on his body explains why
By Delphia Atwood
A bounty collector who works in the Grizzlies was found dead near his prison wagon this week. A BHTNC spokesman announced the news after the bounty collector failed to return in the expected time. The search party had no trouble finding him, as he was exactly where he was supposed to be. However, there was no bounty captured and the bounty collector was found lying dead in the snow. A note was tucked into the dead man’s body, which said, “time ran out, my ass.” It seems to reference a controversial feature in the bounty hunting system. When a bounty his taken, the bounty hunter is given a limited number of time to bring the bounty in. The BHTNC says this is to ensure that bounty hunters are not going after the same targets and that targets are captured in a timely manner. However, bounty hunters say the timing is arbitrary and makes no sense, as the bounty does not become suddenly not-wanted because the time ran out. It appears that an unknown bounty hunter took their frustration to the extreme, killing the bounty collector as a result. The BHTNC has no commented on the time limit rule.
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Man says hallucinogenic herb not worth the time
By Clifton Odell
The hallucinogenic herb craze that hit the Five States several months ago has certainly slowed, but there are still several folks eager to live the “animal experience.” One such man, who asked to be left unidentified as a result of the federal government’s attempts to crackdown on the herb, said his experience was disapointing. “I spent days, weeks, gathering the herbs before preparing them,” the man said, “I followed the directions perfectly.” At first, he said it worked. “I felt the power of the buck within me, I could sense the world around me in a totally different way!” he said, believing he became the buck in that moment. However, just as fast as the moment came, it was gone. “It was supposed to last much longer, I didn’t even get to run!” the man complained. Harriett Davenport, who advocates the use for the herb as a way to become closer to nature, said, “I only discovered the herb, I did not invent it. If someone isn’t happy they can take that up with God.”
Other users of this herb known as Harrietum Officinalis have expressed similar frustrations. Another user wishing to remain anonymous said, “I asked Harriet to explain why her precious herb didn’t work and you know what she said? She said I should go to sleep to reset my mind and try again!” Unhappy users of Harrietum Officinalis have no means of recourse if they are unhappy. Though most users have reported that such brief experiences are rare and likely signs the user has failed to connect with nature as much as they think.
Man starts to whistle uncontrollably, annoying others and stumping the local doctor
By Donna Deshner
A man called “Champa” unintentionally annoyed several Valentine residents upon their arrival in the town. After disembarking the train and ensuring his horse was okay after the trip, he found himself whistling uncontrollably. Witnesses report that it was pleasant initially, until the whistling never ended. One resident asked Champa to stop, though Champa merely shrugged and kept whistling. A few Valentine residents offered to shut Champa up but it quickly became apparent that Champa was not whistling intentionally. Dr. Ben Calloway examined the man but could not identify the source of his ailment. “If he was lying, he seemed quite uncomfortable,” Dr. Calloway said, “so I think he was simply struck by compulsions that cannot be explained by today’s medical science.” Champa was prescribed “copious amounts of alcohol” to overcome the whistling compulsion. “I couldn’t control it, since I got into to town at the station I just couldn’t stop!” Champa said of the incident. The prescription of alcohol was successful as after Champa woke up and and sobered up, he walked out of town in silence.
Saint-Denis Police Mistake Woman for Prostitute
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Saint-Denis likes to boast that it has one of the most advanced police forces in the United States, possibly the world. If that’s true, well, they must hate the publicity they are getting this week. A local officer claimed he saw a woman walking around past midnight and presumed she was a lady of the night. He accosted her, used some unpleasantly harsh language, and then tried to arrest her for solicitation.
In reality, the woman was a local named Annabelle Kelley, a painter, and part-time flower girl. She was trying to sell some unwanted jewelry at a pawn shop to pay for some colored pencils. The officer in question didn’t realize his mistake until she mentioned a painting at the gallery she made.
It’s unknown if she intends to press charges against the officer; odds are she won’t. But you would think a high-quality department could tell the difference between a middle-class woman trying to make ends meet and a streetwalker trying to sell herself. It makes one wonder how often this happens or how often someone has been unfairly labeled something they aren’t. It’s undoubtedly not the first time this has occurred and probably not the last.
Man files complaint with Saint Denis police, “man I tried to kill stole my horse!”
By Emeline Vickroy
An unidentified man rushed into the Saint Denis police station to report a crime, claiming his horse had been stolen by a member of the “Night Folk.” The Night Folk being bayou locals who typically stalk their victims at night and kill them without mercy using bladed weapons. The man said he felt afraid when he saw the alleged Night Folk, even though it was the middle of the day. He admitted to firing on the stranger before the stranger hid behind a tree. “I followed him but when I got to the tree, he was gone!” said the stranger. “Then I heard a commotion and saw him on my horse riding off, he rode into Saint Denis,” he screamed, “Surely someone saw a Night Folk on a horse riding through here!” As the man was unable to report any other details, the Saint Denis police did not file a report. “The man is likely lying, nobody reported a Night Folk coming into town that day, and most people know how to identify a Night Folk,” said the Chief Lambert. The man’s horse did turn up later that day as the alleged victim walked around town whistling.
“Cronenberg Monster” spotted in Scarlett Meadows
By Mathilde Orry
A monstrous creature was spotted in Scarlett Meadows, sending shivers down the spine of those who saw the beast. “It seemed like a horse, but it seemed to share its body with several alligators!” a witness said. The creature had one tail when one expects a tail to be, but had multiple tails coming out of its sides. Even more horrifying was that the tails seemed to move around and merge back into the horse’s body before grotesque jaws took their place. “Each set of jaws had multiple teeth, reminded me of an alligators mouth,” another witness said. One of the witnesses named it a “Cronenberg Monster,” a name that makes no sense. “I am not sure why I called it that,” the witness said, “just came to me, in the back of my mind… It just made sense.” A few witnesses said the creature appeared to be part human as well. “There seemed to be a man sitting on the beast, but was also part of it,” they said. A posse was rounded up to hunt the monster, but it was gone before they arrived.
Residents demand the right to own property in the Five States, are new protests coming?
By Adam Parvey
As the population of the Five States begins to stabilize, many residents are wondering why they still cannot own property. “I’ve been here for years, put in the work and helped many folks across the Five States,” said one cowpoke, “yet I cannot buy property of my own.” The complain has been made by so many residents of the region that it is impossible for the BHTNC to ignore. Yet, they have. The local governments of the Five States have likewise remained silent regarding property ownership in the Five States. One resident I spoke to said the allure of property ownership was almost theirs, until it was not. “I bought me a shack, which I kind of thought was mine because I bought it,” they said, “but turns out it wasn’t really mine, I bought it for some old lady. Can you believe that?” Through interviews with other residents, I learned that more than one person was “duped” into thinking they purchased property for themselves, but instead learned that an older lady would be the owner in practice. However, none of those individuals would go on record to discuss the property in question.
Of those who recently left the Five States, the lack of purchasable property was often at the top of their complaints. It seems obvious that the BHNTC and the local governments of the Five States should find a way to make property available to cowpokes across the Five States. Now only would this encourage cowpokes to remain int he Five States and invest in their property, but the local governments stand to be enriched via taxes and members of the BHTNC would be enriched by the economic growth. It seems strange that such obvious money making possibilities are being ignored by those who like nothing more than but to make money.
Booth’s Hyomei grows in popularity in the U.S.
By Frederick Vannesse
The R.T. Booth Co. has successfully marketed its newest drug in the U.S.. The drug, called Booth’s Hyomei, is one of few drugs that treats respiratory problems. Hyomei as advertised as treating hay fever, bronchitis, coughs, and mucus build up. With such illnesses on the rise, Booth’s Hyomei has arrived just in time. In fact, the drug already has support from the upper class. The wife of Willard B. Avery, owner of the American Express Company, has testified to the curative powers of Booth’s Hyomei. Mrs. Avery had been suffering from asthmatic hay fever and only found relief upon being prescribed with Booth’s Hyomei. A spokesman from the R.T. Booth Company has promised that their cure will be available for anyone afflicted with illnesses Hyomei can cure. The widespread use of Booth’s Hyomei is made possible by its relatively cheap price of just $1, with refills available for 50c.
The R.T. Booth Company spokesman made clear that their Hyomei cannot treat tuberculosis, a disease that has claimed the lives of even the toughest cowpokes. The spokesman did say, however, that the drug may reduce symptoms. I procured a bottle of the alleged curative and did my own testing. While the ingredients are unknown, it was obvious that alcohol made up a large portion of the curative’s ingredients. The R.T. Booth Company spokesman refused to comment on the ingredients or what role alcohol may or may not play in Hyomei’s curative properties. I could not verify the curative powers of Hyomei, so readers are advised to take at their own risk.
Intrepid Adventurer Family Searches for Lost Civilization!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Dime stories worship adventurers at the altar. The brave man looking for lost nations or treasure sells quite well. The reality is much less glamorous; it’s usually the old and the foolish, looking for something to prove they aren’t a complete failure. All these accusations can be thrown at the Cabot family.
The Cabots have lived in the US for a long time; John Cabot was an early settler in what is now Boston back in the late 1600s. The latest in the Cabot line, Lorenzo, must feel he has to live up to the family name. He’s currently in Egypt looking for a lost civilization that predates the Pyramids themselves.
Most of the people working with him think he’s a babbling old kook, but he pays well, so they keep digging. Day after day, sand is moved, with nothing gained. The idea that anything of note existed in Egypt before the famous Egyptian civilization is an opinion not taken seriously by academics just about anywhere. Yet old man Cabot feels something has to be buried in the sands that time forgot.
He even once claimed Atlantis might be found in the desert. I might be just a humble lady, but I feel that’s mighty unlikely.
The Five States Herald 