Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Increase circulation of black market currency being watched by federal government
Local authorities have given up investigating the currency called “capitale.” According to various state level authorities, capitale is a completely useless currency and as a result, not worth investigating any further. Capitale has been deemed worthless due to it not being used to actually buy anything. “When we first heard of it, we thought it was going to be a problem,” said one investigator, “but we learned that the only thing you can buy is ability to do more lucrative jobs, where you get real money.” Federal investigators are not convinced and opened an investigation into the currency this week. According to a source in the Bureau of Internal Revenue, there has been an increase of capitale in circulation. Revenue agents working on countering moonshining efforts noticed the trend and realized capitale may used to evade taxes.
Despite the Bureau’s many failures in its war against untaxed liquor, the agency was given funding and a mandate to investigate this further. My source stated that any risk to tax revenue is worth investigating.
Has death left the Five States behind?
By Wylie Frey
Two bounty hunters were stunned when a target’s henchman refused to die. “I know it ain’t easy to believe,” said one of the bounty hunters, “but we got the target hogtied and on a horse when their henchman attacked.” The henchman was quickly out down non-lethally. “I gave him a couple square punches to the jaw,” the bounty hunter said, “and he collapsed like a glass jawed fool.” But the man got right back up. No matter how hard the bounty hunters hit him, he kept getting up so they went lethal. “I had no choice, I had to shoot him,” one of the bounty hunters said. Unbelievably, shooting the man in the head did not stop him. The man stood back up as if nothing had happened, as if the gunshot were just another punch. One of the bounty hunters had to leave with the target to collect their payment, while the other took care of the immortal henchman. “I hogtied that fella and left him on the train tracks,” the bounty hunter said, “don’t know if he’s still immortal, didn’t want to see.”
Bodies found buried deep beneath the snow
By Jane Duran
A startling discovery was made early this week. A hiker tripped over what they thought was a root. However, when they looked down they saw a hand reaching up. They reported what they found to the Strawberry authorities and an investigation was opened. At first it was assumed the deceased was an unfortunate hiker covered by recent heavy snowfall. During the investigation, though, more bodies were found. The discovery of multiple bodies briefly led to a theory that it was a group caught in the snow together. A few bodies were missing body parts and had injuries that could not be explained by an avalanche.
Investigators now believe the bodies were deliberately placed there. “We think there is a serial killer, who used the recent heavy snow fall to cover hide the bodies,” an investigator said, “it is unclear how long of a time period the victims were killed over, but we’ll find the bastard eventually.” Without any physical evidence or witness reports, the investigation is off to a slow start.
Bootlegger arrested after crime report
By Nick McCrary
A man stormed into the Blackwater Police Department and demanded action be taken against a couple of cowpokes that attacked him. According to the police, the man rambled on about being attacked by two men on horseback. He was wounded, a gunshot wound in the shoulder, during the altercation. He jumped off the wagon to evade further shots. The attackers then firebombed his wagon, which went up in flames quickly as a result of the cargo: moonshine. The man admitted to being a bootlegger and even claimed to be heading to the Blackwater Saloon. However, the bill of sale was lost in the fire.
Authorities went to the scene of the crime and found the wagon. It was completely destroyed but policemen noted several broken glass bottles and a couple that were not broken. Along with the man’s confession, the broken bottles were sufficient evidence of bootlegging. The man was arrested after his gunshot wound was treated. He was unable to provide a name or a physical description of the attackers and so the police could not take any action against them.
Valentine on fire!
By Donna Deshner
After weeks of peace, or at least, a lack of mini wars breaking out, Valentine is once again the center of gunfights and conflict. A massive fight broke out this week involving over two dozen people. Nobody can recall how the fight started but it grew at an exponential rate. “I saw a few folks throwing firsts, then another few showed up with guns,” said a witness, “and then another half a dozen showed up with fire bombs!” Soon Valentine was in utter chaos. Local law enforcement lacked the deputies to reestablish order and so they opted to barricade themselves in buildings. “It wasn’t our proudest moment,” admitted Sheriff Curtis Malloy, “but taking cover in folks homes and stores allowed us to provide some protection from the chaos.” Smithfield’s Saloon caught fire, which soon spread to the adjacent buildings.
Fortunately, a storm broke out. The heavy rain put out the fires and turned the main street into a muddy lane. Soon, violent fights turned into humorous slipping and sliding. Residents began laughing. “They looked like a bunch of clowns out there, throwing fire in the rain and shooting their guns,” said one resident, “even funnier once they started slipping in the mud.” Soon after the rain arrived, the chaos of the moment died out. As fast as the fighting started, it was over. Cowpokes rode out of the town or bunkered down in the town hotel for the night. Sheriff Curtis Malloy did not pursue charges on anybody because it was unclear who actually committed what crimes. “I was just glad the town was still here,” said Sheriff Malloy, “one day I know it won’t be.” Nobody was reported to be killed in the conflict.
Saint Denis goes into lockdown when shootout breaks out across the city
By Aloysius Levron
Saint Denis residents got a taste of what it is like living in Valentine this week, when a shootout enveloped the entire city. Saint Denis sees its share of regular violence, particularly around the docks and train tracks, though it is typically contained in small areas of the city and quickly deal with. Saint Denis has more policeman than any other settlement in the Five States, after all. This time the police were unable to contain the violence in what authorities are calling a perfect storm of violence. “It was not quite clear at the time, until we really started looking at the witness reports,” said Saint Denis Chief of Police Benjamin Lambert, “the truth is, multiple independent confrontations started at the same time across the city, then came together.”
One altercation started over a spilled drink in the Bastille Saloon. Another started over a disagreement over a private firearm sell. While another was a gambling incident gone awry. Other conflicts that took place were reported but no origin was known. Somehow the separate incidents combined into a massive city wide string of violence. “We think that other criminals were inspired by the distraction, as our policemen dealt with these situations,” said Chief Lambert. Soon there were fights and theft occurring all over the city. The Lemoyne State Police had to respond by coming into Saint Denis to restore order. Several arrests were made and police wagons were brought in to hold the large amount of arrestees. Everyone arrested was released the next day with orders to pay a modest fine.
Naturalists gather for noble mission: bury the trampled animals
By Frederick Vannesse
Early this week a rich man donated “wagons full of gold” to pay cowpokes to trample on animals while on horseback. Why would someone pay for such cruelty? Revenge. Zebulon S. McClanahan made his riches through trading. Like many before and after him, Mr. McClanahan hunted, fished, made deals, and sold animals parts until he was rich. He even did his fair share of bounty hunting and was quite successful at it. So you cannot say that Mr. McClanahan was man born into wealth upset when his privilege was not recognized. He was as hard a worker as any in the Five States. It was with great optimism that Mr. McClanahan began a career as a naturalist. “It started well, I swore off hunting and everything,” said Mr. McClanahan, “and after weeks of not killing a single animal I trampled a skunk on my way to see Miss Davenport and wouldn’t you know, the bitch sprayed me with some drug!”
Mr. McClanahan gave up on working with Miss Davenport and in an effort to settle the score, put a large portions of his accumulated wealth toward funding a mass trampling of animals across the Five States. As it turns out, Mr. McClanahan was not the only former naturalists unhappy with Miss Davenport’s liberal use of hallucinogenic drugs on them without their consent. For a day, cowpokes went out of their way to trample small animals and make a few gold nuggets. Mr. McClanahan was pleased with the results. Miss Davenport, in shock and horror, acknowledged the event as “gross, unconscionable, unnecessary, and cruel.” While Miss Davenport sticks to a strict travel routine, she encouraged other naturalists to gather the corpses left on the ground to offer them a peaceful goodbye. “Even rodents deserve a farewell,” said Miss Davenport, before taking one look at my snake skin boots and spraying me in the face with the very same drug others have grown to hate.
Elephant Goes on Rampage!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The circus is a time of joy, to sit back and watch people and animals interact in creative ways for a couple of hours. It’s an excellent way to waste time, unless you live in Franklin, Tennessee, that is.
The local circus was showing off its star attraction, Hannibal, the African elephant. He has a popular trick where he steps around a performer while carrying another on its tusks. Well, for reasons we do not fully understand, Hannibal didn’t do the trick properly.
Instead, the elephant stepped on the performer, ran around the circus tent, eventually gored the other performer, and ultimately charged into the crowd. An unknown number of guests were injured or killed in the confusion.
Local police forces later subdued Hannibal, and what to do with the elephant is now a matter of debate. One camp says it should be sent back to Africa; others say it should be executed for murder. The public is fiercely divided. Nobody even knows what method to use if the elephant is to be put to death.
It’s all quite ghastly and ghoulish; people are more interested in how to kill an animal, than respect for those who died.
French Attempt to Create Armored Vehicle!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The War Wagon has shown to be a highly effective weapon of destruction when used correctly, but it cannot move under its own power. That has been the subject of discussion within the French military in recent years; what if a highly powerful turret could drive itself?
Code named Levavasseur, after the French pirate, it’s a giant metal box with a cannon attached to the front. It has treads for motion similar to a tractor, and a motor engine designed for boats. It’s highly ambitious and is expected to cost a small fortune even to field a prototype.
Numerous officials have looked at the design document and are skeptical it will even be able to run, let alone be battlefield effective. The creator’s designer, an unnamed French cavalry major, is sure it will change the face of warfare. The US has military observers expected to view the documentation within the week.
A moving metal box? I would laugh at such a concept, but having written about the power of the war wagon, something similar to it but with a fully encased armor would be a terror the likes of which nobody can imagine.
The Five States Herald 