Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
An American Emperor???
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
When I was a little girl, I loved reading about fancy kings and queens, of lovely princesses and ball gowns. Of course, I eventually grew up and came to look down on monarchy. I am very proud that these United States never created a royal house, or so I thought. I have recently discovered we have a reigning emperor… of a sort.
His name is Emperor Norton; he was born in England but lives in San Francisco. Many years ago, he began calling himself the emperor of North America and now occasionally visits other states in a fancy military uniform. He is quite a colorful character; countless writers have met him and walked away quite amused.
I discuss this strange man entirely due to his upcoming visit to The Five States, not that it’s been highly publicized. Most people don’t seem to care about one weird individual; we seem to have enough already.
What do I think about the Emperor Norton? I find it amusing. As I said, I care not for monarchy, but he seems to be somewhat aware he is silly. He doesn’t seem to harm others, unlike countless other monarchs, and I believe it’s how he wants to get through life, by just being a fun, memorable character. I suppose there are worse things to do.
Bounty target dies while in jail
By Alois Burditt
A wanted man died while awaiting transfer to Sisika Prison in a Tumbleweed jail cell. Federal investigators headed to Tumbleweed to find out the cause. “It was pretty easy to see what happened,” said one investigator, “the man had wounds that were not properly treated, leading to his death.” One such wound was an arrow in the man’s rear. “The dead man had a scented arrow in his left buttock,” the investigator said, “in addition to a poorly bandaged gunshot wound.” According to investigators, the wounds became infected quickly. “The buttock wound proved most infectious, clearly whatever was used for the scent likely caused the infection,” the investigator said. However, the infections were an indirect cause. “The infections alone should not have led to such a quick death,” the investigator said, “but he had been through a lot and his body went into shock as the infection spread.”
According to deputies, there was nobody in the building overnight. “We lock it up good,” said one deputy, “no need to babysit an outlaw, so I ain’t too upset about his death.” Investigators say the poor treatment by local lawmen and their failure to properly clean and treat the wounds led to their death. However, no laws were broken and so no charges will be filed.
Ambarino home to monsters of the past
By Jane Duran
Paleontologists have been arriving in Ambarino in large numbers. About a year ago, amateur paleontologists began discovering dinosaur fossils all over Ambarino. The state soon became the go to location if you were searching for dinosaur fossils. News made it to professional paleontologists and Ambarino was soon host to several dig sites. The large number of fossils found in Ambarino suggests two things, according to paleontologists. “Ambarino certainly was home to many dinosaurs,” said one paleontologist, “but that is true of most of the Five States, most of the nation really.” What really explains why so many fossils are found in Ambarino now is the remoteness of the state.
“Lots of places that are easier to access have been dug up, or any remains swept up in time,” said an expert, “but in Ambarino, remains were preserved, kept from time and discovery.” As people continue to spread out, fewer places remain remote and so such secrets are being exposed and exploited. Experts believe that one day, even Ambarino will no longer be rich in fossils. “It is an exciting time to make such discoveries,” said a paleontologist, “though I pity future generations, for whom these discoveries will no longer exist!
Bizarre behavior leads to several arrests in Blackwater
By Nick McCrary
The day was like any other for Blackwater residents. The sun rose just as it always had, in the distance a rooster crowed, and folks peacefully went about their business. Then, however, a strange behavior trend started. “First time I saw it, I was confused,” said one resident, “but it was clear, that fella attacked another fella, then gave him some kind of medicine to get back up!” The victim stood back up, groggy from the attack. Blackwater police arrested the attacker, only to release him hours later once the jail became crowded. “Folks just kept attacking other folks, then helping them back up!” said a Blackwater policeman, “it was just bizarre!”
Town policemen arrested the attackers but by lunch time the jails were full. “We had no choice but to release those that seemed less likely to hurt someone again,” said Blackwater Chief of Police Oswald Dunbar, “by nightfall, we must have emptied out and refilled our jail cells a dozen times.” The strange behavior ended as quickly as it began. When the next day arrived there were no more strange attacks followed by assistance back up. Though, as is common in the Five States, there remained plenty of attacks.
A holiday misunderstanding leads a day of peace in Valentine
By Emery Cosberry
Valentine’s Day is a holiday few people are aware of. Originally a religious holiday meant to honor martyrs, in the 14th century a poem by Chaucer connected the day to romantic love. Residents in the Five States seem to not be aware of the origin or the 14th century shift in focus. “Valentine’s Day? Must be the day we honor our lovely town!” said one resident when asked what the day meant to them. Several cowpokes came to Valentine to celebrate. “I’m pretty sure in 1898 there ain’t a Valentine’s Day except to celebrate in Valentine, right?” asked one confused cowpoke who seemed to be aware of something called Valentine’s Day but did not think it belonged in the present. To celebrate Valentine on Valentine’s Day, residents and cowpokes alike opted for a day of non-violence. Though arguments were had, nobody turned to fisticuffs or unholstered a gun. As a coincidence, a few folks met each other and hit it off, leaving the town as a couple. Little did they know they participated in Chaucer’s Valentine’s Day and with a of peace in Valentine, there was not a single martyr to be found.
Violent attack in Rhodes ends in attackers death
By Emeline Vickroy
A man dressed in all white was walking around in Rhodes saying unsavory things, when another man came out of the general store and told him to quiet down. The man in white then rushed forward, tackling the other man to the ground. The man in white, however, bit off more than he could chew. “That fella in white was tossed off so quick,” said one resident who witnessed it all, “and before that fella in white could stand up, he was shot dead.” The man who was attacked rapidly fired his pistol, killing the man in white where he laid. A few residents seemed to get agitated at the man in white’s death. However, after another cowpoke waved at the killer, supporting their act of self defense, the townsfolk decided to keep to themselves. The two cowpokes appeared were threatening enough for the townsfolk to settle back down. The man in white’s body was dumped in Flat Iron Lake.
Increase in opiate related deaths has Congress considering regulating labels used for medical narcotics
By Adam Parvey
Growing concern over opiate related deaths has resulted in Congress looking into the issue. Doctors across the nations have warned people to not view the drugs negatively, as they are not the problem. “Opiates have great medicinal use,” said one doctor, “unfortunately, some folks who manufacture it do not manufacture a pure product and there ain’t much way for us to know the difference.” The doctor, who spoke on a condition of anonymity, said that addiction is not uncommon but the ‘pure’ forms of the drug should not be as deadly as they seem to be. “These impure versions have other dangerous substances added, and we do not know exactly what is in them,” the doctor said, “so we may be prescribing deadly medicine, or something that will have a negative effect on particular patients.” Congress has been hesitant to create regulations on drugs, though some states have opted to regulate this items.
This week Congress has indicated that it may consider labeling laws. Though some have argued even labeling laws would exceed the mandate of the federal government, Congress believes it is worth consideration. “Several members of Congress see labeling laws as part of public trust, that the people ought to know what they are buying,” said a congressional staffer who asked to remain anonymous, “they don’t see this as overreach but public service.” Drug manufacturing companies have said such labels will infringe on their trademarks. “Our ingredients are secret not to deceive our customers, but to protect our property and the quality of products our customers receive,” explained a spokesperson for Pfizer & Company, a manufacturer of pain medicine, “if our ingredients are listed on the containers, competitors will be able to make subpar alternatives and harm patients who need help.” Congress’ current intentions are to investigate the issue and action may not come for years.
Facing criticism in the Philipines, U.S. government reminds nation of the U.S.S. Lewiston
By Frederick Vannesse
This week, a year ago, the U.S.S. Lewiston blew up in the Havana Harbor, kicking off a short but bloody war. The U.S. government’s investigation pointed the blame at Spain, claiming it was sabotage. Spanish authorities denied the accusation. One whistleblower suggested the investigation was a farce, that the explosion was an accident but used to initiate a war. The United States government denied that accusation. Since the war ended, the U.S. has faced criticism of being oppressive of Filipino people, replacing Spain as protector in name but jailer in practice. While the Filipino people are asking the U.S. government to leave, the U.S. government argues that the Philippines nation is not ready for independence, though it is working to help the Filipino people achieve that independence soon. Perhaps to change the ongoing narrative, the U.S. government is reminding the nation of the Havana Harbor explosion. For the time being, the reminder seems to have been effective. The U.S. people have returned to a state of mourning for the U.S.S. Lewiston and its crew, while forgetting about the plight of the Filipino people.
Viking Digging Begins in Repton!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The town of Repton in England is over a millennia old. Much has happened in those lands, so it’s not surprising historians and archaeologists tend to travel there looking for the past. This week began the most extensive excavation since the 17th century!
In the year 1686, a local farmer found a skeleton in the ground while cultivating the soil. He soon discovered hundreds of skeletons; it was clear a great battle had happened here. Over the years, the bodies were examined, and they were assumed to be Viking warriors. Many discussions have been held, for there was a great battle near Repton in the 9th century led by the legendary Viking, Ivar the Boneless. Ivar won at Repton, but he later died in another battle. Ivar’s final resting place was eventually lost to history.
Many historians have openly wondered if the buried skeletons are the lost burial mound of Ivar the Boneless. The new excavation aims to prove this theory is true. Shovels are being handed out as we speak, hundreds of people intend to dig for several weeks, a bonus is to be handed out if the skeleton of Ivar the Boneless is found. I do not know what will be found, but history shall be made all the same.
The Five States Herald 