Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Illustrious Five State Writer Accepted to Poland Conference
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
We all dream of making it big, writing the big story, and getting critical acclaim. It is but a pipe dream to many of us; we reach up to the sky hoping to touch the moon, but never make it. Well, someone from our lovely Five States managed to touch the moon.
Aubrey Sanchez is a Spanish writer living in Blackwater. She studies various topics, specifically the history of shipbuilding. It’s a hobby unique only to her, and a subject that friends rarely bring up.
For the longest time, Sanchez has dreamed of getting accepted to a historical conference on ships and shipbuilding. She is aware there is an International Historical Ship Society, one that puts out a lot of research material, but it’s an organization with a high bar to entry. A few friends urged her to write to them last summer, but she did reluctantly.
Well, as of this week, they wrote back. She has been accepted to a conference on shipbuilding in Poland, somebody significant saw value in her work. It’ll be the first time Sanchez has left home, but it is an experience she still cannot quite believe is true. Miracles, it seems, can happen.
Outlaw camp outside of Armadillo causing problems for outlaws
By Alois Burditt
Armadillo deputies are having trouble with outlaws that have set up camp outside of their town. Due to a lack the manpower the deputies are unable to evict the outlaws from their location, nor are they able to keep the town’s remaining residents safe. Several travelers in the area have been robbed by the outlaws. On occasion the outlaws have also boldly entered the town, causing ruckus and property damage. The town Sheriff said that due to a lack of resources they need focus on protecting the residents. “Unfortunately, keeping the residents safe sometimes means allowing boisterous folks to release their urges on property, instead of the people,” said Sheriff Palmer. He explained that allowing the property damage is usually enough of a release that they never go into worse crimes, like murder. Sheriff Palmer did put out a call to gunslingers for help.
Dozens head to the Cotorra Springs
By Delphia Atwood
Dozens of cowpokes gathered for a ride to Cotorra Springs to take advantage of the alleged healing properties of the hot springs. They gathered at O’Creagh’s Run before riding together in a long line to Cotorra Springs. Once there, the cowpokes took turns taking a dip in the hot water. Every year several people travel to hot springs locations, like Cotorra Springs, across the nation. Though rumors of their healing properties abound, hot springs can be very dangerous. Many visitors die when their body succumbs to the intense heat of the springs. Fortunately, nobody was harmed on this occasion. Safety was of great concern and as a result, nobody stayed in the springs for too long. A few others even brought their horse into the hot spring. “My horse is old and achy like me, figured they’d enjoy the respite too,” one participant said. Several people who took the dip said they felt much better as a result.
Doctor moves into Blackwater
By Nick McCreary
For years, Blackwater has been without a town doctor. The last doctor left after they were shot by a gunslinger they had treated for a gunshot wound. Since then, the Blackwater doctor’s office has been closed. Dr. Manly H. Banning purchased a home in the town and agreed to take up the post of town doctor. Residents are rejoicing. “For the most part, we do alright to treat ourselves,” said one resident, “but if we need a doctor, we got to ride to Valentine.” That trip can be dangerous and even if the trip is uneventful, the stay in Valentine may itself be deadly. Dr. Banning has treated several residents already for minor complaints that they would never both to travel to Valentine for. “I got a bit of an ache in my back,” said one Blackwater farmer, “travel ain’t easy for me so it was nice to visit a doctor here in town and get a bit o’ relief.” Dr. Banning said his few days in Blackwater have been everything he had hoped for. “It’s a peaceful town from what I have seen,” said Dr. Banning, “with a hardy folk worthy of my service!”
Stable hijinks comes to an end
By Adam Parvey
In a move that was celebrated by many, authorities in the Five States were finally able to end the invasion of a parasitic bug that left stable goers trapped. The problem began several months ago. Stable hands often locked customers in the stable, refusing to let them leave. Local police got involved initially, arresting stable hands for unlawful detainment. Newly hired stable hands soon took to the same behavior, however. An investigator identified a bug that was causing the problem. “I have named the bug forficula iocus confundo, a type of earwig, and have identified its behaviors,” said Annabel P. Cattleman, “it enters through the ear canal and secures itself in the head of the host, possibly attaching directly to the brain.” Miss Cattleman admitted to not knowing everything about the insect. She did explain that once attached, the insect did not control the host, but modified the host’s brain composition.
“It wasn’t reported, but these stable hands weren’t just locking folks in stables,” said Miss Cattleman, “but they were also harassing people outside of stables with all kinds of actions the host’s perceived as jokes!” One such situation was reported to local authorities months ago: a stable hand in Saint Denis detached a wheel from a wagon, causing a crash and an injury. In other cases, stable hands were reported as locking their family out of their home. The stable hands had a good laugh, seeing their actions as harmless. Though in other instances, the stable hands had difficulty remembering what they had done.
Using a combination of strong narcotics, alcohol, snake oil, and other unnamed ingredients Miss Cattleman created an elixir to clear the host’s brains and kill the parasite. She said the elixir has been very successful. The elixir’s first effect on the host is to send them into something of a stupor, where they laugh even more and have trouble standing up straight. “The patient should be laying down when the elixir is administered,” Miss Cattleman said. The hosts then go through a period of hallucination and sweats. When the host passes through this phase they become docile, at which point they are given a serving of headache powder and left to sleep. The hosts wake up clear headed with blood in their ears. “It is perfectly safe, the blood is actually the bugs being liquified,” said Miss Cattleman, “and so after a clean up, they are perfectly safe!”
Miss Cattleman could not explain why the bug only took up residency in stable hands, however she did provide a modified version of the elixir to be sprayed in stables. Time will tell if the treatment has a long term effect.
Double murder in Annesburg
By Van R. Seldon
A cowpoke is wanted for murder after he killed two a couple in Annesburg. The morning was like any other in the mining town. Workers were headed to work, ships headed into dock, wagons full of materials moving, and a folks waiting for the morning train. The peacefulness of the moment was broken by the sound of two gunshots. Several residents fled from the main street, retreating into their homes or open stores. Local deputies quickly responded to the gunshots, but were unable to apprehend the killer. Witnesses identified the shooter by the name Louie. One resident who knows Louie said there had to be more to the story. “Louie ain’t the fella to murder in cold blood, you see,” said the man, “a bit of a hot temper, but cold blooded murder? They had to have done something first.”
A witness account sheds a bit of light on what happened before, during, and after the shooting. “I saw it all, Louie waved at a couple who was arguing,” the witness said, “and then the man flipped Louie the bird, you know, the middle finger!” The witness said Louie then took out a pistol and shot the man in the head before turning the pistol toward the woman and shooting her dead. “He calmly put his gun away, walked between a couple buildings toward the dock and disappeared,” the witness said. Deputies searched the area for hours but found no sign of Louie. As of now he is wanted for double murder. Authorities say you should not approach him as he is considered armed and dangerous. And sightings should be reported to local law enforcement.
Life of a Piano Man Quite Boring
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Working the piano in a saloon sounds like a lovely job. You get to entertain people, learn new stories, and occasionally compose your own music. Even if a fight breaks out, you’ll almost certainly be fine. Well, it turns out that perhaps it’s a much more mundane and miserable experience.
A Saint-Denis piano player, only going by David, gave a lengthy interview to a local paper. He went into great detail about how nobody ever tips him, not even a dime. That any creative song he writes gets thrown out by the saloon owner because it’s either too long or not what people want.
The stories are terrible, with lots of drunk sailors complaining about wives or parents, and not an exciting tale of adventure in sight. Fights are very common, but it seems like rowdy patrons and the occasional cowpoke go out of their way to hurt him. He has suffered several cracked ribs from individuals who wanted to start a fight.
David ends his piece by saying bluntly that the Saint-Denis state of mind is chaos and misery. If he could afford to buy a ticket out of here, he would have years ago. So if you’re in a saloon listening to the piano player, maybe tip them, don’t be rude, and don’t shoot at them when the inevitable brawl occurs.
Bull attacks reported at Carmody Dell
By Rutherford X. Downing
Reports out of Carmody Dell are claiming that their bulls are being attacked. Attacks are not infrequent, but usually not fatal. “I usually find these fellas sedating my bulls and taking blood,” said one farmer, “like them damn vampires in the stories.” These attacks, however, were fatal. Bob Crawford Sr., proprietor of Carmody Dell said he caught a poacher in middle of a shocking act. “The bull was dead, and that asshole was skinning him!” Mr. Crawford said, “I suppose it was better for the bull to be dead, but that can’t go unpunished!” The poacher fled with the pelt.
Mr. Crawford reported the attacks to state authorities, who did not have sufficient evidence to follow up on the crime. “Evidence, they wanted evidence, I saw it happen and my damn bulls are laying skinless!” said Mr. Crawford, “but no, I don’t know who it was, looked like every other no good outlaw!” Mr. Crawford said that what made these attacks even worse was that in the midst of them, new bulls arrived at this ranc. He had previously purchased the bulls and expected their arrival this week. It was timely for them to arrive after his other bulls were killed, however, more attackers soon struck. “Different outlaws attacked my new bulls!” Mr. Crawford exclaimed. He spent the rest of the week standing by his livestock with a rifle. Nobody else showed up to attack his bulls.
Washington D.C. hits record temperature lows
By Frederick Vannesse
The coldest temperature of all time was recorded in Washington D.C. yesterday. The city was covered in snow as a result of the cold temperatures, which reached a low of -15°F (-26°C). The cold weather is part of a cold wave hitting the Eastern United States. Meteorologists say the cold wave is a result of an “arctic breakout,” meaning that weather conditions are resulting in cold winds from the arctic and moving south. The cold winds have resulted in unsarcastically cold weather and blizzards across the East Coast of the United States. Experts are unsure when the cold weather will end but residents are hoping the cold weathers have peaked so they can return to “normal” weather.
Flying stone found in Mexico
By Ivy Seager
Travelers are flocking to Mexico to view something out of this world: a floating rock. A local first spotted the floating rock and told their friends about it. Visitors from the nearby town then began traveling to the floating rock. Word soon got out beyond the town and visitors began arriving from all over the world. Several residents from the Five States have chosen to head to Mexico to view the floating rock for themselves. Those who have seen it have said it was a profound experience. Several visitors said it was like “staring into the heart creation,” and that it was a wonder and proof that the world is more than what we typically observe. It is not known how long the rock will remain floating and so those who wish to see it should plan to head to Mexico soon.
The Five States Herald 