Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Blizzard Sweeps Five States!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
It comes every year like clockwork, accepted by some, hated by others. I, of course, refer to the winter snow, always dropping temperatures across the Five State area. This year, however, it’s been a bit different than usual. Instead of a typical storm, it’s a full-on blizzard, the likes of which we haven’t seen in years!
Within hours of snowfall beginning late last night, the winds picked up, and the storm clouds gathered. By 5 in the morning, it was consistently below zero everywhere in the Five States. Even in New Austin, people were freezing on mass.
President Alfred MacAlister has declared a state of emergency for at least ten major states. Temperatures have reached as low as negative 37 degrees. Lemoyne’s Governor demands people stay at home near a fireplace until the storm subsides. Power Lines are in danger of failing in various locations. Even criminal organizations seem to have taken the memo; crimes reported across the Five States have plumbed.
I must confess, dear reader, it’s even been difficult writing this news bulletin. The keys on my typewriter are not functioning as well, requiring multiple presses even to type out a letter. I, along with everyone else affected by this record-breaking storm, hope it goes away soon.
Santa Claus delivers what the sheriff really wanted
By Jose Chavez
Sheriff Palmer of Armadillo was surprised when a bounty hunter rolled into a town with a wagon full of outlaws. The bounty hunter was wearing red, had a full white beard, and had a deep laugh too. When he dropped off the outlaws he proclaimed “Merry Christmas” and followed with a “ho, ho, ho!” “Now of course as any parent knows, Santa Claus is as real as it gets,” said Sheriff Palmer, “however, I ain’t ever seen him deliver bad guys to the town jail before!” Sheriff Palmer confirmed that he did write a letter to Santa, an annual activity he does with his son. And he did ask for the most wanted outlaws in New Austin to be captured, which they were. Still, he was doutbule. “I appreciate the captured men, but I know it wasn’t the ‘real Santa'” Sheriff Palmer laughed.
The bounty hunter accepted the pay and rode off without delay. Before he left the town, he explained that he had a long night ahead of him. “My day is only just beginning,” he said with a deep laugh, “but soon I’ll be flying faster than any could imagine.”
Bootleggers rescue revenuers
By Caylen V. Hornby
In a story that would be out of place anywhere but the Christmas season, a dozen revenuers are only alive today because of the swift action of bootleggers. The Revenuers had just set up for a checkpoint when the snow began falling heavier. Soon, they were surrounded with snow. Their wagons deep in the white slush, the revenuers climbed onto two wagons and packed tightly together wondering how they would make it through the night. The rescue came from an unexpected source: the very people they were trying to capture.
“I saw the wagon coming down the road, where the snow was not as thick,” said one of the agents, “instead of pushing through with their momentum they stopped to help us.” The bootleggers used moonshine to create a fire to bring warmth and passed a few bottles around to drink and bring joy. The revenuers were already cheering when the pair of bootleggers began passing around cooked meat. The impromptu Christmas Eve feast saved the revenuers life. As the snowfall slowed and the ground snow thawed, the revenuers went on their way, leaving the bootleggers to their own devices. The Bureau of Internal Revenue denied such a story occurring when contacted for questioning.
Big Valley hunters rest their rifles for a day
By Daisy Fairman
Christmas Eve was not just for the people this season. Hunters in Big Valley vowed a full 24 hours of no hunting and followed through. Big Valley is one of the richest hunting grounds in the Five States, which made it a good choice of regions to protect animals in, even for just a day. Many hunters opted to stay in for the day. Others came out to Big Valley to protect the animals they would normally hunt. “Not every hunter agreed to a day of no hunting,” said one of the hunters turned protectors, “so we turned our sharp aim toward those that disagreed.” A few hunters did ride out into the valley to hunt, but the protectors’ presence was enough to deter them.
“I’ve been out here for a few hours, haven’t had a real threat show up,” said one of the protectors. Though they still had a night long vigil ahead of them, they were confident
Train hijackers thwarted by bow wielding hero
By Donna Deshner
Passengers on the Wednesday afternoon train out of Annesburg were in for a shock when a posse of outlaws boarded the train. They quickly killed the guards and then, according to one witness, one of the outlaws tossed the engineer out of the train. The train then picked up speed as the passengers panicked. Before the hijacking could turn into a robbery, however, a hero showed up. “The outlaws were a bit chaotic saw a hunter and shot at her,” a witness said, “which turned out to be a bad move.” The hunter ran toward the train and managed to board the fast moving vehicle. Then, armed only with a bow, she made her way through the train killing the outlaws.
“One by one they fell,” said another witness, “they had guns but it wasn’t enough.” Eventually killed all of the outlaws but the one now driving the train. He left the engine to deal with the bow wielding hero only to be met by a tomahawk to the chest. “She was quick, that man didn’t stand a damn chance,” a witness said. The train was brought into its next stop, where it was held up for inspection. The original engineer of the train turned up alive in Annesburg, having walked back into town after being thrown from the train. The unknown hero returned to her hunting, wanting nothing as a reward but to be left alone.
Historical Conference Approaches!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Even as the huddled masses yearn to be warm amid a crushing storm, many historians are looking to the future, not the past. For in a few short months, the biannual Trouble with Crime Conference is set to occur in Saint-Denis.
It’s a motley collection of academics, from those without a degree up to doctorate-holding professors. They all are united by one thing, the study of crime. Not just current crime, not even limited to American crime; it is merely the history of crime as a subject.
There are, of course, topics that will interest the conference creators most, witchcraft history, female crime history, crime as an icon in world history, that sort of thing. The educated youth are also taking a keen interest in the matter; we have heard rumors that even a local graduate from Saint-Denis is expected to submit a paper.
Of course, anything can happen between now and the day of the conference, and such delays have occurred. Two years ago, the last conference in Tennessee was delayed due to a bank robbery right across the street. We do hope such incidents will not transpire this time, but anything goes in the Five States, as we say.
Saloons packed on Christmas Eve
By Nick McCrary
All across the Five States, cowpokes found their way into the nearest saloon. Some arrived at the saloon to play cards, others to escape the cold, some just to get drunk, but all to have a joyous time. Celebrations were joined by cowpokes who had never met, and in some cases, some who had just been at each other’s throats days ago. The strangest of strangers and the worst of enemies were all the best of friends on Christmas Eve. “Christmas has a way of bringing peace, even in places where peace don’t belong,” said the bartender at Smithfield’s Saloon, the most dangerous saloon in the Five States. Stories abound throughout history of soldiers holding an unofficial truce during the Christmas holiday. If the Spirit of Christmas can bring peace to wartime battlefields, peace in the Five States should not be a problem!
Of course, this was Christmas Eve, not Christmas day. And the Five States is deadlier than a wartime battlefield. The peace was broken in Blackwater when a man walked into the Blackwater Saloon with pistols in both hands. “I finally got my second pistol!” the man allegedly yelled before shooting wildly all around the saloon. The man’s aim was not true, however, as his bullets hit bottles, walls, windows, but not a single person. A drunk woman who was half asleep woke up at the sound of the gunfire and responded with a shotgun, ending the shootout quickly. While a few other violent outbursts were reported, every bar owner in the Five States reported a significant decline in violence on Christmas Eve.
Plague found in Hawaii
By Frederick Vannesse
Earlier this month the bubonic plague was found in Oahu, Hawaii. The discovery was made in Hawaii’s Chinatown. Soon after the first diagnoses, several more cases were discovered. A state of emergency was called in order to fight the plague. Healthcare officials believe the plague arrived on flea infested ships and then spread quickly due to the squalid living conditions of the area. The immediate goal of the state of emergency is to slow the spread of the disease in order to minimize harm. The long term goal will be to address the squalid living conditions that enabled such a deadly disease to take root and spread. At this point, we do not have information about how far the plague has spread.
The world waited for Santa Claus!
By Ivy Seager
By the time you read this story, Santa Claus would have come and gone. At press time, however, the world awaited the arrival of Ole St. Nick. Throughout the world, messages were sent over the telegraph lines indicating Santa had been spotted. Several witnesses had reported seeing a flying sleigh or hearing the deep, echo like “ho, ho, ho” piercing the silent night sky. By Sunday morning, those sightings will have been forgotten. In their place will be the excitement of new toys and new memories.
The Five States Herald 