Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Despite evidence to the contrary, debate rages on whether the Five States has a future
By Adam Parvey
It has been nearly half a year now since the powers that be announced the Five States would receive no new investments. Instead, all resources poured into the Five States would be to maintain it as is. The economic decline in the region has been slower than expected however, as new cowpokes continue entering the region. “For new folks come to the Five States, it’s like a brand new world,” said one resident, “but for the rest of us it’s the same old same old.” Another expressed their frustration in a more primal way. “I saw a fella just walking around town yelling and screaming,” said a Valentine resident, “it was far from the usual violence, just a lot of tears and complaints and screams about lost potential.”
There has been no official word from the powers that be regarding a reversal in their plans. So as of now, there is no reason to think that the Five States will see any revitalization in the near future. That has not stopped others from holding onto hope. “There is too much revenue still to be made here, lots of profit left untapped,” said a hunter, “I’ve been here years and still love it and I see new folks everyday, eventually those in charge will see the opportunity.” Of course, the gold market has been really bad in the Five States, with gold bars having little value to residents who have been here the longest. “Any revitalization of the region would need to start with a revitalization of gold,” said one federal official who asked to remain anonymous, “if we could figure out how to reign in the gold and provide it value again, we could see investment in the region flourish.” And so the debate continues, does the Five States have a future ahead of it? That seems to be in the hands of residents.
Criminals arrive in Tumbleweed following news of Nathaniel Cross exiting the town
By Alois Burditt
Since famed former bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross took up residence in Tumbleweed, crime has fallen. His announced retirement from bounty hunting and exit for Tumbleweed was seen as opportunity for outlaws to attack the small town. However, their efforts failed. Tumbleweed is a town with few resources and so even a successful robbery is unlikely to make much of a profit. But what the town has in abundance are deputies. Outlaws looking to commit crime in Tumbleweed often have to face half of the population wearing the official Sheriff Deputy badges. “It don’t matter how good a shot you are,” said town Sheriff Sam Freeman, “if you are facing half a town surrounding you, you ain’t gonna last long.” There is no hard feelings toward Cross for leaving and the deputies seem to enjoy the increased action.
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Man dies in avalanche
By Jane Duran
Despite warnings from the state government, one hiker was already killed this week. Snowfall was heavy and fast in Ambarino and one hiker was buried in snow. The death was reported by the hiker’s friend, who had been traveling with them at the time. “The snowfall was pretty light at first,” the surviving friend said, “but then it really picked up and we heard a rumbling, I knew the mountain was about to come down on us so I climbed a tree.” That decision saved their life. The snow came roaring down as they escaped to safety. Their friend, however, was slower to react. The survivor described the snow as hitting like a wave, immediately burying their friend beneath a blanket of white. “As soon as I was able, I tried digging them out,” the friend said. Unfortunately, by the time they found their friend, they were no longer breathing. They were buried deep in the snow, which likely put sufficient pressure on their body to prevent them from breathing. As a result, they likely suffocated. Authorities have renewed their warnings regarding traveling in the area.
Carolers flee gunfight in Blackwater
By Nick McCrary
Christmas Carolers from Saint Denis arrived in Blackwater to spread the Christmas spirit this week. The Carolers chose Blackwater because, “it is a rustic town doing its very best to modernize,” according to the lead caroler Vallie Eman. Miss Eman has lived in Saint Denis her whole life and raised as a Christmas Caroler. “Every year I would go with my family and those infected with the Christmas spirit,” Miss Eman explained, “and we would greet everyone in Saint Denis with a joyous song, from the roomiest of mansions to the cramped homes of the less fortunate.”
Miss Eman now leads a group of carolers who wanted to bring the “joyous spirit of Christmas” to a “savage and wild town.” In addition to modernizing, Blackwater is considered a relatively safe town and a short ship ride from Saint Denis. The trip, however, was interrupted by drunken cowpokes. “We were in the middle of ‘The Friendly Beasts’ when the first shot rang out!” Miss Eman exclaimed. The carolers were offered refuge in the home of a resident. They hid while lawmen responded. The brief gunfight ended as suddenly as it began, though the carolers did not return to the streets and got on the next ship back to Saint Denis. “Saint Denis is much safer, things like this never happen.” Miss Eman said as she boarded the ship. The next night, while caroling in Saint Denis, the troupe was robbed at gunpoint. Nobody was injured.
Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. issues a press release: stop asking about exclusive coats
By Lucien Privitt
Every day the customer service employees at Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. receive letters about specific items of clothing, coats in particular. “I cannot tell you the frustration I feel when I open a letter asking about unavailable coats,” said one employee, “if it ain’t in the current catalogue, why are you asking about it?” The items in question have never been in the Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. catalogue. They were limited edition items available only through a time restricted Outlaw Pass. The Pass, available for a flat fee, gave cowpokes an opportunity to several exclusive items of clothing. Unfortunately for those who have come to live in the Five States more recently, the passes have not been made available again. The Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. spokesman has not said anything about returning passes. The most recent Halloween Pass was reissued, which offered hope to many residents. However, no reissue of old Outlaw Passes has been hinted at. While the customer service department was eager to express their frustration over requests for Outlaw Pass items, they refused to comment on the potential of those items return.
Miniature person spotted in Valentine
By Donna Deshner
The Five States is a region that sees odd occurrences fairly frequently. This week, many were stunned to see what was described as the most bizarre sighting yet. While many residents walked down the Valentine main street like any normal day, a one foot tall man walked around mostly unnoticed. “I almost didn’t see him at first,” said one witness, “I saw a rifle and thought it was floating at first, but then I saw the little fella and thought it was a child, but it wasn’t!” The one foot tall man had the proportions of a grown adult, yet they carried a rifle that was much taller than them. One townsfolk approached the short man and asked where their parents were, which the man took offense to. “He pulled out a pistol that looked like a toy, but it was real,” said another witness, “that person ran away without an answer.”
Nobody else approached the vertically challenged cowpoke, seeing as he had a short temper and was heavily armed. Local lawmen kept watch on the strange cowpoke. “It wasn’t because they were abnormally short,” said Sheriff, “that ain’t against the law, but waving weapons around is enough to warrant vigilance.” The short man made his way into Smithfield’s where other cowpokes did not take kindly to his waving around a rifle. “A fella literally kicked him out of the saloon,” said the bartender, “so I gave ’em all a round because no gunfight broke out.” The short man left town riding a normal sized horse, which he had to climb up using the water trough.
Paper Grading Delayed by Robbery!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
It’s the most stressful time of year to be a student. The final paper has been submitted to your professor; the success or failure of the entire class depends on this one grade. Yet for some students in Saint-Denis, the calm light of the morning didn’t bring resolution, only more misery.
The class being taught is English, much of it is reading books by the Founding Fathers. The teacher in question is Professor Blacker, a Saint-Denis native. Yesterday he collected all the final papers and was preparing to grade them. He put the documents on a carriage and told the driver to deliver them to his estate; he would arrive there later in the night after doing some odds and ends work.
Except when he came home, he didn’t find any of the papers; it seemed like the carriage had never arrived. It was confirmed early this morning that some low-level bandits had hijacked the carriage. They may have assumed it was carrying precious cargo and not the hopes and dreams of young adults.
The outlook from the students ranges from soul-crushing misery to gallows humor. The question of whether they will pass or not has yet to be answered, and Professor Blacker has refused to give a general pass even if the carriage is never found. Nothing is saintly in that city, it seems, even education.
Middling Writer Hits Gold!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
It’s rare to see a star rise before your very eyes. Talent is hard to create, and spinning that into popularity is even harder. Yet, despite the odds, it seems this very event is occurring as we speak.
A year ago, writer K.F. Baumer was a nobody writer of children’s stories. He had written a few books over the past decade, but none of it was particularly successful or memorable. All of that has changed almost overnight with the publishing of his newest book, By the Candelabra’s Glare.
It’s merely a collection of 41 poems that vary in tone and style, all somewhat whimsical and heartfelt. It contrasts pretty heavily with his newspaper writings, which have been aggressive, to the point, and casually hoping Indians would die off. Baumer has said the inspiration was just childhood stories he heard from his mother.
It’s not entirely clear why this book is a massive hit compared to all of his other work; maybe it’s just simple timing. Now that the nation isn’t at war, people might be in the mood for some good clean fun. Regardless of why it’s successful, it’s almost a foregone conclusion that this will not be the only book written by Baumer; why stop when the iron is burning hot?
Homes begin preparing for Santa Claus
By Frederick Vannesse
All over the Untied States homes are preparing for the arrival of the ole Saint Nick. Children are elated as their parents clean out their chimneys, ensuring room for the bringing of Christmas Joy! The Christmas Spirit is alive and well as homes are decorated, lights are shining brightly, and music is playing loudly. By this time next week, folks all over will be rejoicing over gifts and building memories they will cherish for a lifetime. Of course, some cowpokes were not so good and for them, surely a stocking filled with coal is in order. A reminder of their horrible deeds with a sliver of hope that they will change their ways for the next year.
New British ‘Supreme Commander’ appointed in South Africa
By Ivy Seager
Following a series of failures in South Africa against Boer guerillas, a new ‘Supreme Commander’ has been named. Field Marshal Lord Frederick Roberts was named Supreme Commander of British Forces in South Africa. Lord Roberts fought in the Indian Rebellion as well as the the Umbeyla and Abyssinian campaigns. Following a long and distinguished career, Lord Roberts received his promotion to Field Marshall and relocated to Ireland. If Lord Roberts thought his active service was over, he was wrong as he was called back into action to right the course of British failures in South Africa. Lord Roberts was in Southampton this week and departs today for South Africa. Until he arrives, British efforts in the area are at a pause.
The Five States Herald 