Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Epidemic on the horizon?
Authorities are growing concerned about an unidentified illness spreading around parts of the Five States. Cases have been reported in all five states except for Ambarino, with most cases concentrated in Lemoyne. The illness is characterized by fatigue and a fevor. Authorities believe the illness originates in the American bullfrog. “We are not sure when it may have crossed species,” said an investigator, “nor are we quite sure it is from the American bullfrog, but we have our suspicions.” Authorities offered rewards for American bullfrogs, which led to several cowpokes joining the hunt. So far dozens of American bullfrogs have been provided for researchers. Initial findings are promising.
“We have found a similar illness in about thirty percent of the American bullfrog population,” said one investigator, “we do not have a treatment, however.” The lack of a treatment is not too concerning, as most affected individuals manage to fight off the illness. To date, only one person has died from the illness. “Our plan now is to exterminate infected bullfrogs, slow down transmission,” said the lead investigator. Slowing down the transmission rate will allow for a natural immunity to build up, according to investigators. Authorities advise using gloves when handling bullfrogs.
Outlaw pulled from caravan complains about the hired help
By Alois Burditt
Gustave Keeton, wanted for theft and murder, was captured this week by Nathaniel Cross. Mr. Keeton was first arrested several months ago, however, a team of attorneys later and he was out on bail. Mr. Keeton immediately resumed his life of crime, killing a family during a robbery in Blackwater. Authorities believe Keeton then moved west into New Austin, where the trail went cold. Nathaniel Cross picked up the trail when he took the bounty, catching up to Keeton in Gaptooth Ridge. Mr. Cross brought Keeton into Tumbleweed, hogtied and alone. Keeton was complaining about hired up not, “being what it used to be.”
Mr. Cross described the capture as “routine.” Mr. Cross said that Keeton was surrounded by outlaws. “Keeton was on a wagon, with armed men both on the same wagon and on one riding behind,” Mr. Cross said. The hired help showed little effort. Mr. Cross said he rode toward the caravan, using his rope to lasso Mr. Keeton from his seat. Mr. Cross then dragged Keeton across the dirt, the hired help ignoring the entire situationm allowing Mr. Cross to drag Keeton away. “Maybe they didn’t see,” said Mr. Cross, “but more likely they already had their money and weren’t going to make anymore risking their lives for a murderer.” Keeton complained until he became exhausted and passed out.
Naturalist’s horse killed following sampling incident
By Jane Duran
A naturalist accused a competitor of killing their horse after sampling a sedated animal. Evalina Pflaum said she was riding through Ambarino when she spotted several sedated elk. Miss Pflaum said she dismounted and began sampling the sleeping animals. While she was taking samples, however, another person fired a gun. Miss Pflaum jumped behind a tree for cover as the shooter yelled out, “those are my animals, don’t you touch them!” Miss Pflaum said she peeked around the tree only to be shot at again. “I had to stay behind the tree for a long while,” said Miss Pflaum, “and by the time I was brave enough to get out, well he was gone and my horse was dead.”
Fortunately for Miss Pflaum, fate seems to be a friend of justice. Miss Pflaum saw the man in Strawberry and reported him for his crime. The man admitted to killing Miss Pflaum’s horse and as a result, was promptly hung at the gallows. While it will not replace her horse, the killer’s death brough some satisfaction. After the killer stropped struggling at the end of the rope, Miss Pflaum said, “fuck that guy.”
“Barrel man” seen running across West Elizabeth
By Odell Clifton
Several people have reported seeing the “barrel man” running around the wilds of West Elizabeth. The barrel man is so named due to the barrel he wears around himself. “It’s a wonder he can see at all,” said one witness, “because I didn’t see a head popped out of that barrel, no way he can see where he is going!” The man would not stop to discuss the problem with anyone. Though in truth, it may not be that that barrel man is rude. “I think he couldn’t hear me,” said another witness, “he was standing right next to me and I was yelling but he just stood there like my voice was the wind passing around him.”
“Come to think of it,” one witness told me, “I am not sure he is a man at all!” Indeed, nothing is known about the barrel man, including their gender, though the barrel man moniker has stuck. Some say they heard the barrel man yelling as they run through wild lands, calling for help but unable to hear any offers of assistance. “At least he’s protected from bears,” one witness said, “I saw him in Tall Trees, grizzlies in those parts, but he might not look terribly appetizing as a barrel, unless the bear is an alcoholic.”
Valentine saloon cannot give away free snacks
By Emery Cosberry
As part of a region wide promotion, the Smithfield’s Saloon kept its stock of free snacks fully stocked. However, few visitors arrived and those that did were not quick to leave. “A fella showed up, ain’t plenty of free snacks and then just sat there,” said another patron, “when another traveler walked to the snacks the man attacked them.” This continued assault on cowpokes just trying to get a few free snacks led to fewer and fewer patrons showing up. “There was damn bar fights every time a new person wanted some damn snacks,” said another witness, who opted to head home instead of risk getting caught in the middle of a fight themselves. While reports indicate that the snack promotion was successful elsewhere in the Five States, in Valentine the thugs prevailed. “Now I am sitting on boxes of extra snacks,” said the owner of Smithfield’s Saloon, “what am I supposed to do with this abundance?”
The saloon owner is hoping locals and travelers alike find peace this week. “This week’s special and I hope folks are ready to give thanks for what we do have in the Five States,” said the owner of the saloon, “but I suspect we’ll get the same fights and shoot outs.”
Confederate General Still Walks Saint-Denis
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
A bitter old man still walks around the busy streets of Saint-Denis. Occasionally sitting down on benches, looking at statues with a look of sadness and rage. He was a big man back in the day, he says, but nobody remembers him anymore. Perhaps that’s for the best.
His name is Braxton Mosby Harless, brigadier general of the Confederate army. He is one of a handful of southern generals who still draws breath, and probably the last to hail from Saint-Denis. His grand plantation no longer stands, having been burned down long ago. He is effectively destitute, living on the kindness of strangers, and we suspect local Lemoyne Raiders.
He wasn’t a commander of soldiers in battle; no he was an officer whose job was hunting runaway slaves, a job he was perhaps a bit too good at. He also had some perhaps unkind things to say about local tribes; he reportedly tried to burn the Wapiti to the ground. He, of course, never brings such topics up when asked in person.
One day he will die, probably in a ditch or on the side of the road when people’s generosity runs dry. There will be a funeral and probably kind words not truly meant, about how the likes of him have vanished from these lands. If only such statements held any truth, the ghosts of the past still haunt that city, and perhaps will continue even after the ghosts have returned to dust.
Another increase in violent crime as economic conditions remain stagnant in the Five States
By Lucien Privitt
Residents have reported that the increasing violence is becoming too much to ignore. “It seems every day some fool shoots up the town,” said the Valentine general store owner. A concern that is echoed across the region in Saint Denis. “You’d think a civilized place like Saint Denis would be safe,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “but at times it feels just as uncivilized as Van Horn or Tumbleweed.” The city of Saint Denis has experienced a significant surge in crime, with murder in particular on the rise. “Saint Denis has not felt this scary since the days of the Smoking Gun killer!” said a resident. Despite the rise in murder, Saint Denis remains the most populous city in the Five States. “Fancy folk are showing to be more resistant than we expected,” said Saint Denis Police Chief Benjamin Lambert, “folks keep getting killed and yet they keeping coming to live in Saint Denis!”
Blackwater, another town becoming increasingly civilized, has also reported an increase in violent crime. “These days we’ve been calling the postal office the old turtle shell,” laughed Blackwater Chief of Police Oswald Dunbar, “when violence breaks out cowpokes find themselves hiding out in the post office like a turtle hiding in a shell.” The only towns that have not seen in increase in crime are those most do not travel to. “We haven’t seen an increase in crime or an increase in population,” said Sheriff Sam Freeman of Tumbleweed, “most seem to have forgotten about Tumbleweed and I’m okay with that.” The overall rise in crime does coincide with the continued decline of economic conditions in the Five States.
The economy has run stagnant, say economist. They blame the stagnation on the lack of new employment opportunities. “We are seeing a steady flow of new residents into the Five States,” said an economist watching the situation closely, “but we are not seeing employment opportunities keep up with demand.” The steady flow of new residents cited by one economist, however, is said to be little more than a slight impediment according to another. “The increase in new residents is not off set by the exit of other residents,” said George Randall, national economist, “while growth is positive, we are expecting growth to stall and then decline completely.” Both economists agree that new employment opportunities would improve long term population health in the Five States and lament that the region has been abandoned by those with the power to create transformative change. For now, be wary in towns that draw lots of travelers and keep one hand on your side arm and both eyes on the strangers around you.
Royal Family Remains Popular in America
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
For a nation that was created because of a universal dislike of monarchy, it seems the people sure do like the men and women who like crowns. Major national newspapers had one central question a month ago, do you like the British monarchy? From that simple question grew a shocking answer; it seems so.
Many people are pretty fine with the era we live in being called The Victorian Age; many are excited for the day her son becomes king. Countless Americans want to marry into the family, name their children after them, or be just a closer ally.
Why is that? Perhaps some Americans like the idea of leadership that lasts until death, even if it’s a figurehead. Maybe it’s because it was only King George III we rebelled against in the minds of some, and not the very ideas of hereditary leadership. Or perhaps it’s just the wealth and image people latch onto and nothing more. Is this a problem within the United States? Maybe not, and it’s a mere footnote that reflects little.
Regardless, I cannot imagine George Washington waking up from his eternal slumber and being happy with these results.
War correspondent for The Morning Post captured by the Boers
By Ivy Seager
A scouting expedition in South Africa was waylaid by Boer forces, capturing several British soldiers including a war correspondent for The Morning Post. The Morning Post issued a statement upon learning of the capture, stating that, “we hope that war correspondent is returned safe and sound, Mr. Churchill is a valued member of our team in pursuit of the truth.” The Boers forces have not issued any statements. The capture comes following a significant ramp up of manpower by the British government. Tens of thousands of troops have been sent into South Africa, many transferred from other regions. The British government maintains that this is a peace-keeping effort. It is unclear what the scouting party was investigating, only that the soldiers boarded an armored train to get through an unsecured region of South Africa.
The war correspondent, a man named Winston Churchill, has been with the British army since 1893. Mr. Churchill began corresponding with the The Morning Post earl on, securing an official post with the paper. Following the official partnership, Mr. Churchill has worked hard to give a true account of war to those lucky enough to not have to fight it. The British army did not provide a comment, refusing to confirm the capture of the train. A colleague at The Morning Post said that Mr. Churchill is very good at his job and once he is freed, he will provide a detailed account of what occurred.
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