Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Legless horses seen being ridden seen around the Five States
By Lucien Privitt
Five States residents were stunned by shocking stories spreading around the region about horses running with no legs. Here at the Herald, we received report after report from all over the Five States from credible cowpokes claiming that they either saw such a horse or described their own horse as “only half there.” Strangely, those who owned a camera reported that photographs of the strange phenomena failed to develop. Dr. W. Bishop says the sightings are likely linked to the thinning barrier between dimensions that occurs during this time of year. “We know the barrier is thin and so parallel worlds are rubbing, pressing against each other!” Dr. Bishop explained, “and these horses are caught in the middle, half of them in one world and half in the other!” Normally, Dr. Bishop says such a situation would result in instant death. “Typically the bodies being torn between dimensions would fall apart, resulting in death of the creature,” Dr. Bishop said, “but the barrier is so thin the separated bodies are still close together, close enough that each half is acting as if it is still whole, it is quite remarkable!” When I told Dr. Bishop that made little sense, he dismissed me. “Ah, of course you and most don’t understand it,” he said, “you are not a genius, but I am and so I understand it better.”
He says that once October is over, the barrier will thicken and we will not see this continuing to occur. “At least by mid November all will be well again,” he said, “until then, it is a harmless phenomena, unless of course your horse does die, but you can always buy a new one! Just go to the stable!”
Revenue agents face off with Del Lobo
By Alois Burditt
Southern Cholla Springs played host to a bloody gunfight involving two groups of moonshiners, revenue agents, and Del Lobo gang members. Details are sketchy, but surviving revenue agents say that they ambushed a moonshine operation just as it came under attack from a rival. “We were getting ready to make our move when we saw a couple of fellas attack first,” said one of the agents, “so we let them fight themselves before attacking.” The revenue agents had the situation under control when they were shockingly attacked by the Del Lobo gang. “We knew our target was near Del Lobo territory, though we never confirmed if the Del Lobo had any connection to the operation,” the agent explained.
It is unclear if the Del Lobo were defending the moonshine operation or were also attacking it. It is also possible the Del Lobo were prompted to respond when they saw federal agents near their territory. Whatever the reason for their involvement, their ambush was bad for revenue agents. “We couldn’t defend ourselves, we were caught between moonshiners and gang members,” the agent said. The still and all remnants of the moonshine operation were destroyed.
Another body found in Cotorra Springs
By Jane Duran
A hunter came by a body in Cotorra Springs this week. Foul play is not suspected. It is not uncommon for bodies to be found in the area. People come to Cotorro Springs from all over the world to soak in the hot springs. Some believe the natural springs have curative powers. Those who suffer from consumption in particular believe the springs will offer relief for an otherwise uncurable affliction. Unfortunately for those people, there has been no evidence of any curative powers. “People come to these springs in hopes of salvation,” said Mac Boshar, an Ambarino resident, “but they only get death, which I suppose is salvation to those desperate and in pain.” The body has not been identified at this time.
WANTED!
Investigators: Travel the Five States and report on what is going on.
Writers: Write the stories investigators find!
Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
Bodies pile up at Owanjila Dam
By Daisy Fairman
Authorities were alerted to a grim scene: a pile of bodies at Owanjila Dam. Sheriff Hanley of Strawberry was alerted to the scene late Saturday afternoon. The bodies were piled in a haphazard way, indicating that whoever killed them did not stack them. “The killer must of killed each one as they approached the dam,” said Sheriff Hanley, “and just left them as they fell.” The victims were killed silently with a bow. Each victim had an arrow in their head and no victim had more than one arrow. “They were clearly an excellent bowman,” said Sheriff Hanley. As to why the victims would continue approaching the dam when they could see dead bodies in front of them, authorities can only speculate.
“It’s likely the first couple of victims saw someone hurt and investigated,” Sheriff Hanley explained, “but after a dozen or so bodies had piled up a reasonably person ought to have avoided the dam altogether.” One of the deputies offered another explanation, “those Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. fellers offered gold nuggets for visiting the damn dam,” he explained, “and the appeal of gold nuggets must’ve overridden reason.” Authorities searched the area but did not find the killer. They did find a set of tracks headed south, but lost them when they crossed into the Upper Montana River.
Five States residents under special “Aidats” sponsorship receive reprieve
By Adam Parvey
For the half a dozen residents who came to call the Five States their home through the so called “Aidats” sponsorship, their future in the Five States was uncertain. The Aidats sponsorship was cancelled, resulting in those few cowpokes under the sponsorship to be on the verge of saying goodbye to the Five States forever. However, the legislatures of the Five States have stepped in to offer the Aidats sponsored residents a chance to remain. They can temporarily transfer all of their recourses earned under their Aidats sponsorship to a new residency application. The offer has been well received, but at least a few of the Aidats sponsored cowpokes said they could not take advantage of the offer. “I just don’t have a way of remaining in the region without Aidats, unfortunately,” said one affected cowpoke, “Aidats really was a dream come true for me.”
The Five States legislatures cannot be blamed for the end of the Aidats sponsorship, but its end is disappointing for many. The Aidats sponsorship was also serviced regions beyond the Five States, which all will be similarly impacted as Aidats proved a failure.
Fancy Shop Burns in Valentine!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
La Vie Parisienne, the high-end goods store in Valentine that opened not a week ago with high hopes and high dreams, is already gone, burned to the ground, dust to dust. It all started on Wednesday night, when some thieves broke into the store. The one thing everyone had expected to happen came to be, robbery.
The thieves quickly ran through the store, taking delicate dresses and boots alongside plumage hats. They worked fast; in the course of an hour, all the valuables had been pilfered. For most robberies, that would be the end of it, but for some reason, these criminals went a step further. Perhaps they had a problem with the owners in particular, or maybe the hubris of building a fancy item shop in a working-class town was just too much.
They burned the establishment to the ground. They knocked over a kerosene lamp and fled towards Strawberry; nobody so far has been arrested or even spotted. Unsurprisingly the owner is inconsolable; a mixture of burning anger and inward sadness, he still refuses to give his name to the papers. What his new path will be, remains uncertain, unlike the smoldering embers that once were his new colossus.
Mysterious hole discovered in Lagras is not so mysterious
By Emeline Vickroy
A cowpoke sat at a Saint Denis saloon telling folks he discovered something brand new. They were not a long time resident, having only arrived in the last year. They described a hole in the earth that they had never seen before. A hole that had no obvious reason to exist. “That fella talked about unlocking some unearthly secrets,” said a patron who heard the wild claims, “said it was a passage to hell that could be explored, or better yet, closed.” That same patron joined the cowpoke, along with several others, to go take a look at the ‘portal to hell.’ However, upon arrival, the anticipation deflated almost instantly. “It was a crayfish hole,” the patron said with a laugh, “a place where the locals catch a few crayfish here and there.” Another local explained further that it is more efficient to use a cage in the bayou. “Most folks are a bit too afraid to get in the swamps, thinkin’ the ‘gator gonna get ’em,” said the local, “so they go to the holes, safer but only get a few of ’em, the cages are much better.” Though the mystery was solved, something unexplained remained. “Why can’t I interact with these holes?” said the cowpoke who found the hole, “why can’t I get crayfish the way others say I should be able to?” Those are questions nobody can answer.
Strange crime spree suddenly stops as suddenly as it started
By Adam Parvey
Lawmen struggle to explain motive behind a bizarre crime spree. “Early Saturday morning we got our first report,” said Sheriff Freeman of Tumbleweed, New Austin, “folks were riding into town and shooting the hats off of locals.” The shooters did not shoot to kill, appearing to be perfectly content with shooting off the hats of innocent people going about their day. Tumbleweed was not the only town to get such reports. Valentine, New Hanover also reported a string of ‘hat attacks.’ “I couldn’t believe nobody was dying,” said a Valentine deputy, “I mean this is Valentine, right, where folks usually shoot to kill!” The hat shooting caused a significant amount of uproar in Saint Denis, where locals often wear the fanciest of hats.
“Several women came into our office,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “they each had a hat in hand with a bullet hole in it.” What none of the victims had, however, was a physical description. “They each described the shooting as happening so fast that they didn’t see the shooter,” the policeman explained. The reports increased throughout the day before dropping off completely by Saturday night. As of press time, no new reports of ‘hat attacks’ have been reported. Authorities in most localities I visited admitted to putting a low priority on these attacks because nobody died. As the cases have declined significantly as of early Sunday morning, that priority is likely going to be even lower.
Bicycle design revolutionized by African-American inventor
By Frederick Vannesee
Isaac R. Johnson has filed a patent for a new type of bicycle frame. The drive chain was moved to the non-turning tire, offering a smoother and much safer ride. Bicycles have been popular for decades, first invented in Germany, the so called “Running Machine” was propelled by a rider who ran whlie sitting on the vehicle. Future designs would add pedals and a drive chain. That drive chain was first attacked to the turning wheel, which made for a difficult and unsafe ride. Still, bicycles continued to grow in popularity. They are cheaper than horses and promised to be easier to maintain as well.
With Mr. Johnson’s brand new bicycle frame, the popularity of the vehicle is likely to expand. Further, Johnson’s bicycle is foldable, making it easy to store when not in use. Mr. Johnson was born in New York in 1812 and his notes indicate that his recently patented folding bicycle frame is the evolution of a project he has been working on for years. The efficiency of the design and foldability are likely to make Johnson’s bicycle popular for commuters and vacationers alike.
British Prime Minister Considering Resignation!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Lord Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury, or just Lord Salisbury, has been a mainstay of British politics for the last 50 or so years. He has done the remarkable hat trick of being elected Prime Minister of Britain on three separate occasions and remains somewhat popular. But rumors are swirling that the old battle axe is considering resigning his post and retiring.
If so, the causes wouldn’t be altogether too surprising. Although broadly well-liked, he has made many enemies over the years. From anything involving Ireland to anti-colonialists who see British action in India and Africa as disgraceful, to the poor people of Whitechapel who felt he couldn’t care less when a raving lunatic was killing innocent women ten years ago. Salisbury has always been described as someone who was deeply offended if you didn’t like him; perhaps this impulse has finally gotten to him.
Publicly he hasn’t said anything on the matter; at most he has said he worries about his wife Georgina, who is in poor health. If you’re a romantic, then maybe he will step down to have more time with her; if you’re cynical, it’s just an excuse if he resigns. Regardless, his legacy will be long and complicated, as are most things in Britain.
The Five States Herald 