Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
October Halloween surprise leaves many disappointed
By Adam Parvey
The powers that be in the Five States have made no secret recently about the lack of excitement they have in the region. Investments have not paid off the way they would have liked and so most of the investors in the Five States have moved on to “more profitable endeavors.” Wheeler, Rawson, and Co. wanted to show that they are not entirely finished with the Five States by relisting its popular Halloween Pass. The only problem: they only relisted the most recent pass. Most folks in the Five States have responded to this with disappointment. “I arrived late in the Five States, so I missed the first Halloween Pass,” said one cowpoke, “but I already got the second one, so this relisting doesn’t do anything for me.” Others echoed this same sentiment. “It’s cool, better than nothing I suppose, especially for those who missed it last time,” another shopper said, “but I really with it was the first pass, or even both of them.”
It seems that the disappointment has some logic behind it. Many of long time residents of the Five States have left. The current population of the Five States is made up of many new residents. Many of those residents have been here over a year and so had the opportunity to purchase the second Halloween Pass last year. Though some residents were pleased with the relisting. “I was here when the last Halloween Pass was offered, but I didn’t have much gold to speak of,” the cowpoke said, “I was still a new arrival, but now I am established and had the gold to purchase it, so I was pleased.” Another complaint, however, serves as a stark reminder of the bleak future of hte Five States, and perhaps the wild western life many have grown accustomed too. “Pass 2 or 1? Why now a new one, a Pass 3?” said a woman who has been in the Five States since the beginning, “That they are relisting an old pass just reminds us that the Five States is abandoned. We are… all alone.”
Armadillo sheriff let’s murderer go for ‘doing the Lord’s work’
By Jose Chavez
While most of the dehydrated and ill population of Armadillo may not have noticed, a murder occurred in broad daylight. A man walked out of the general store and was immediately confronted by a man carrying a dead dog. According to the one witness, no words were said but the message was clear. “The shooter, well, that fella had been petting the dog earlier, you see,” the witness said, “the dog comes, around looking for scraps, well, used to anyway, but cheered lots of folks up.” A second cowpoke rode into town and did not take kindly to the friendly dog and shot it. The shooter held the dead dog over his shoulder and confronted the no-good dog killer with a pistol drawn. By that time, the town sheriff had arrived, responding to the first gunshot. He watched the man shooter the dog killer in the face. “He was gonna arrest him, but I told the sheriff, I says, ‘sheriff, that dead man done killed the town dog!” the witness said. The sheriff promptly holstered his pistol and ordered the dog killer’s carcass to be thrown in pit with the rest of the week’s dead. Both men remain unidentified.
Tallest mountain in the Five States scaled
By Delphia Atwood
The age of exploration has reached the Five States. Weeks ago, several parties claimed to have explored the Tempest Rim, a location that appears inaccessible to all but the most motivated of explorers. Another cowpoke claims to have traveled all the way from New Austin to scale the tallest mountain in the Five States with a friend. And unlike other claims, he offered the proof. Included in this very article is a photograph taken of the two explorers, posing on the tall peak. As the first to scale it, they have unofficially named the mountain J2. The explorers have announced plans to begin guided tours of J2, eager to share with others their own discovery. They promise the trips will be relatively safe, but remind folks that all exploration is inherently risky.
Cowpoke found dead on the side of the rode, likely ambushed
By Daisy Fairman
A hunter came across a dead body on the side of the road in Big Valley. The body was unidentified and had no valuables, suggesting they were robbed. Investigators saw dozens of tracks. “I believe the dead man was ambushed, given the multiple tracks surrounding the dead body,” the investigator said. The investigator added, “their body looked to have fallen off a horse, likely when they were shot.” The investigator explained that ambushes like this are common, often catching chivalrous cowpokes off-guard with a woman playing the role of damsel. The incident itself was not witnessed and as a result, the ambushers are unknown. Authorities advise caution when approaching strangers to offer help. “It is awfully noble to want to help others,” the investigator said, “it is not, however, worth the risk of losing one’s life. Just let strangers be!”
Fancy French Shop to open in Valentine
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Valentine, truly a working man’s town full of people who work every day to make ends meet. The local shops are nothing fancy, just a general store, doctor’s office, and a gun shop… until now. Starting this week, a high-quality goods store is set to open, for reasons we do not fully understand.
The owner, who refused to give his name for the paper, is from Paris; he and his wife recently moved to America. They felt Valentine could use a high society shop and firmly believe it will be a hit.
Called “La Vie Parisienne” or the Parisian life after the popular magazine, the shop will sell everything from perfume to dresses and shirts. A taste of Paris in just one shop, they say! Local opinions range from amusement to genuine interest. Of course, those interested tend to be cattle barons and other rich folks who only come to Valentine to trade and then leave. Many are also expecting local criminals to really take an interest in this shop, lots of high-priced items that could sell pretty quickly In Saint-Denis.
Regardless, the success or failure of this shop has interested many, which might be the best marketing trick to come to Valentine in quite a while.
Aggressive fool thwarted by brave horse
By Emeline Vickroy
Saint Denis may be the most civilized location in all of the Five States. It is the only location that qualifies to be called a ‘city’ instead of a ‘town.’ But that does not mean Saint Denis is safe. In its alleys, hidden from view, residents are often accosted and robbed. Years ago, a serial killed called the Smoking Gun made Saint Denis his stomping grounds, murdering with impunity despite the heavy law enforcement presence. Shoot outs are frequent and saloon brawls are as common as in any town not name Valentine. Sometimes, the criminals do not act under the cover of darkness or in the hidden back alleys, but on the very streets countless families walk! This week, a man was attacked in front of several witnesses. “It was something else, it happened so fast!” one witness explained, “the fella being shot at couldn’t do much but try to take cover.” What the would be victim lacked in quick thinking, his mount made up for.
Another witness stated, “his horse neighed a loud neigh and charged at the shooter, knocking him down.” The victim would become the aggressor. As the shooter stood up, his no-longer victim struck him in the back of the head with a shotgun before aiming it at his head and shooting him dead. Police whistles were already sounding off. Though the man had a resonable claim to self defense, he fled rather than deal with the Saint Denis police officers, who are known to react violently to nearly all crimes. Weeks ago, in fact, they had shot a man dead who merely bumped into a upper class woman without saying excuse me. Witness said the man fled north, though most claim to have told the police at the time that he fled west.
Tonic makers joining together to protect trade secrets from crafters
By Frederick Vannesse
A new trade union is forming among makers of various popular tonics. Doc Crockett’s Miracle Tonic, V. Laurent Clark Snake Oil Liniment, Dr. Claussen’s Cumberland Mountain Bitters, and Uncle Earl Bodine’s Patented Health Cure companies have banded together to battle an unexpected enemy: crafters. In the early days of the Five States, these companies provided the most readily accessible and affordable tonics in the region. Cowpokes stocked up on tonics to keep themselves healthy in mind, body, and spirit. However, as time moved on folks learned how to craft these tonics all on their own. “Our sales have dropped considerably,” said a spokesman for V. Laurent Clark Snake Oil Liniment, “about the same time copycat recipes hit the Five States.” Clark’s Snake Oil Liniment is said to be a cure for all aches and pains, made using a “proprietary blend of natural herbs,” and yet, many crafters say their homebrewed versions work just as good. “Why buy tonics when I can make them?” asked one cowpoke, “empty bottles are plentiful, showing up even when I didn’t realize I had any!”
Dr. Claussen, found and created of Cumberland Mount Bitters, did not rely on a spokesman, but instead spoke himself. “My patented formula is a medical treatment for dysperia, a deadly form of indigestion,” Dr. Claussen said, “these home-made versions are unlikely to provide the same level of relief, you see, and so they may be causing more harm than good.” The tonic companies are asking state legislatures to ban the crafting of home-brewed tonics, citing the potential danger of improperly crafted tonics causing more harm than good. We spoke to a legislator based in New Hanover who laughed out loud when asked about the request. “Ban hard working Americans from crafting their own remedies?” the legislator said with a boisterous laugh, “do I look like some fool wanting to be voted out of office? This is America, where a man, or woman, ought to be free to make what they want to make!”
Uncle Earl Bodine’s company is taking crafters to court, claiming copycat recipes violeate their legally licensed formula. “If someone wants to make their own version of Uncle Earl Bodine’s Patented Health Cure,” said a spokesman, “then they can pay for a license, which involves using an official recipe and paying for each bottle crafted.” So far, it seems the tonic companies will get little legal support from state legislatures so they will likely be watching the court case closely.
Bar Brawl Rocks Boston!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Many believe violent fights in bars, taverns, and saloons are only a western problem, or precisely a Five State problem. Let it be known, this can happen literally anywhere, even among the oldest cities in America.
Boston is rightly remembered as both a port city and a key city in the founding of this nation. Naturally, it has a lot of bars for thirsty sailors and local barflies. One bar that opened back in 1895, was having one hell of a busy Friday evening. Everyone from politicians to reportedly some prostitutes were there, drinking and having a fun time.
It was all going well, until one man spilled a beer on some lady’s fur coat. In a rage, she slapped the young man, who hit her back. Several patrons jumped to her defense and struck the man. Things rapidly got out of hand, and within the span of five minutes, beer and punches were flying everywhere.
Police had to be called, and even they struggled to maintain order. It took nearly half the department to get the situation under control finally. Dozens were arrested, and countless more fined.
So the next time someone is slagging off the Five States, just mention Boston and say, cheers!
Canadian intercollegiate game rallies crowd!
By Ivy Seager
McGill University faced off against Queen’s University in a game that proved to be very competitive. Over 100 spectators came to watch the McGill Redmen face off against Queen’s Gaels. Though collegiate football is still in its infancy, it is growing in popularity. Football started in the United States but Canadians have shown an appreciation for the physically demanding sport. McGill and Queen’s met for the first time this week, proving to the fans that they came to play. While McGill managed to defeat Queen’s University, it was not a squash. McGill came out on top 3-2. The match was so competitive that fans found themselves screaming at each other, each supporting their team nearly to the point of fighting each other. No fights broke out, however.
Both teams were cheered when they walked off the field. Many believe they witnessed the beginning of a lifelong rivalry.
The Five States Herald 