Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Revenuers make big moonshine related arrest
By Adam Parvey
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has announced what they are calling a major arrest. It is well known that the fight against untaxed liquor that the federal government is waging against the Five States is not going well. The few successes the Bureau has had have been outweighed by massive failures. In fact, the Bureau has gone leaderless for over a year because every new leader of the Bureau gets killed. Today, they announced an arrest that will finally turn the tide of the war against untaxed alcohol. “We arrested a man who is deep in the moonshine business,” announced a revenue agent, “he is connected to at least two dozen moonshiners in the Five States, maybe even more.”
The man in question is named Bert Higgins, a man known across the Five States for his heavy alcohol consumption. The arrest of Mr. Higgins was a long time coming, according to the Bureau. “We had a long investigation, tracking several illegal alcohol deliveries to Mr. Higgins,” an agent said, “we took the time to build a case and now are now questioning Mr. Higgins about his purchase history.” The Bureau is hoping to learn more about who Mr. Higgins has been in business with to shutdown those moonshine operations. Though the Bureau publicly says the integration is uncovering useful information, an anonymous source has said that Mr. Higgins has said nothing about his business partners.
“I don’t think he is trying to protect anyone,” my source said, “he just doesn’t remember details about who he buys his alcohol from.”
Thieves’ Landing rocked by explosions
By Jose Chavez
A series of explosions that started on dry landed ended with a sunken ship in Thieves’ Landing. Witnesses said two men set up a trail of dynamite from the pier to a docked ship. The settlement is made up largely of ne’er-do-wells and outlaws, and as a result there is no law enforcement presence, explaining how this elaborate explosion could be set up in broad daylight. The two orchestrators of the explosion kicked it off with alcohol, creating a trail to the first dynamite. Once lit, it created an irreversible course of events.
The owner of the ship that was docked came running out after the first explosion. Parry Harrey desperately ran toward the dock only to be sent flying away by a second explosion. Each explosion triggered the next and soon the trail of dynamite met the ship, which had dynamite all over it. The ship was rocked by the explosions as Mr. Harrey watched on helpless, screaming for justice in a town that holds contempt for the word. Witnesses said that the dynamite bombers laughed at Mr. Harrey before leaving. The ship sunk over the next hour.
Teams scour Ambarino for fossils
By Jane Duran
It has been reported that Ambarino is one of the richest states in fossils. Several travelers have unearthed bones of ancient creatures that once called the state their home. While it is believed this ancient beasts lived allover the Five States, Ambarino’s remoteness and heavy snowfall has kept more covered to our modern times. Fossils in Ambarino have been protected from being destroyed by the weather. The increased attention has resulted in museums offering gold nuggets for fossils. Teams have spread out all over Ambarino in search of these fossils.
While a few teams are made up of professional archeologists, most of the teams are made up of ama. “I am a professional, and must sit through these wretches alcoholics and gunslingers who think they know can do my job better!” said professional archeologist Rolandus Richman, “these fools don’t know how to properly handle a fossil and are as likely to destroy it as they are to preserve it.” The professionals have asked museums to limit business with them only, however, that request has so far been ignored.
Historical Family Consultancy Available in Five States!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Did you know your parents? I’m willing to bet you probably did, regardless of if they were good or bad memories. Did you know your grandparents? Possibly, maybe not well, but you knew of them. Great grandparents? Highly unlikely and beyond that, almost certainly an impossibility. The history of a family is both a simple and profoundly personal affair, and it seems to be one that’s growing its own industry.
In Blackwater, a company specializing in historical family research has emerged; for a fee they will look up everything on a family. Going through tax records, archives, military service records, anything that can be found. Just so you can better know your own history.
Such an idea has been scoffed at as a waste of time and resources; what does it matter what your ancestors did? It doesn’t impact you, the individual. They might be correct, but for some people, having the choice to know where they came from alongside all the good and ill is very powerful. It gives a purpose to some and a reminder to others; it also just remembers those who came before us. Remembrance, for some, is the most powerful thing of all.
Historical Enthusiast Injured in Cannon Accident!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Not everyone living in the Five States remembers the Civil War; plenty of people were born after that conflict and only got a vague understanding. Still, some of these people find the topic fascinating and have tried to become experts in their own right, occasionally to disastrous results.
Joseph Pétain is a French American born in 1870, his father was an artillery officer in the war, and he has always been curious to learn more about the war. He has spent many years earning enough money to buy a working cannon from the conflict, plus the proper uniform and drill manual. This week he met a couple of former Civil War veterans near Valentine and was determined to demonstrate his skill with the cannon.
The demonstration went poorly, from the gun not correctly firing to his horse running off. It ended when the cannon tipped over, snapped a wheel, and discharged some canister shot. Pétain lost a finger, and his shoulder was severely damaged. The veterans who witnessed all this bluntly said it was the most amusing thing they’d seen in years.
Perhaps if you’re studying to understand a conflict better, don’t have a superficial understanding; also, don’t lose a finger over it.
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Train theft in Saint Denis!
By Aloysius Levron
Even in the most civilized of places in the Five States, crime is still a problem. While shootings and assault make up most of the news about crime, theft is a common occurrence too. Though theft and violence are frequently aligned. Nearly all robberies reported in the Five States have been the result of assaults. “There ain’t too many old fashion hold ups, you see,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “folks instead just knock out their victim then loot their personal belongings later.” Another common form of theft is horse theft, but that is less common as it almost always results in the the thief’s’ death.
This week, a much more daring theft occurred. A train operated by the Lannahechee and Midland Rail Co. pulled into Saint Denis Train Station and the driver exited to take a break. While he was enjoying a cigarette, a woman boarded the train and started it up. The train’s engineer heard that somethign was wrong and ran back to the train, but it was already on the move and he was unable to catch up. Passengers were in the process of boarding when the train began pulling out of the station. As a result, there were several injuries as passengers rushed to jump onto the moving train or off it. Most of the injuries were small scraps, though one passenger fell and landed hip first on one of the tracks, breaking the hip bone.
The train stopped at Annesburg and the thief was arrested. However, hours later, it was learned that the person they arrested was not the thief at all, but another passenger the real thief forced to take their place. The thief abandoned the train just north of Van Horn Trading Post. The passenger left to drive explained, “they gave me instructions on how to stop this thing and said I better not tell them my real identity right away,” they said, “I was afraid so I complied.” Lannahechee and Midland Rail Co. is working with federal agents to identify the thief and bring them to justice.
Bay bolete sought out as stables remain troublesome
By Lucien Privitt
For months stables have been a problem for residents. Stable hands were found to be infected with a parasitic bug that caused them to lock people inside the stable. A poison was made to target the bug and a treatment was made to kill bugs that were already attached to people. Unfortunately, those solutions have declined in efficacy. More information about the bug has been discovered however. The parasite only activates when someone brings their own horse into the stable. The theory is that the parasite has a hostile reaction to noninfected horses. As a result, it is advised to not bring horses to the stable.
The stable issues have also resulted in high demand of bay bolete. Bay bolete is a type of mushroom found in West Elizabeth and New Hanover. It is used in herbivore bait but also as a horse care product. Horse owners have flocked to the two states to gather as much bay bolete as they can keep their horses healthy and away from the stables. The fungus is fast growing and so there is no fear of the mushroom becoming scarce.
Trans-Mississippi International Exposition Grand Opening surprise: it was already open
By Fredercik Vannesse
Organizers of the Trans-Mississippi International Exposition were surprised to find that the exposition was already open and filled with visitors. At first, it appeared to be an early opening. A closer inspection revealed something more perplexing. The exposition was open and in full swing as if it had been opened for weeks. In fact, the organizers themselves began remembering their own visits and experiences at the expo. However, the promotional materials and signs undeniably had the opening date of June 1st, 1898. For a moment, everyone seemed to unsure of the year. “I felt like I was trapped in 1898, like we had already done this but here we were doing it again!” said one organizer. Whatever of the truth, the expo continued on with some wondering if it will ever end.
United Kingdom and China to meet over Hong Kong
By Ivy Seager
Great Britain has maintained a colony in the territory being referred to as Hong Kong for decades. China has long claimed that the land is theirs but British forces have used superior military might to hold on to the land and expand colonial operations there. China’s government however has demanded that the United Kingdom enter into negotiations regarding their current possession of the territory. While it is likely the United Kingdom will resist any terms favorable to China, they are currently overexpanded all over the world. They may not have the might to force China back. My source close to the deal says China is optimistic that the United kingdom will negotiate fair terms.
The Five States Herald 