Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Poker Cheating but not to Win?
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Cheating at cards is seen as a detestable act; something usually answered with a gun if you get caught. The intent obviously is to win via unfair means, but what if winning isn’t the intent? What if it’s just a slight advantage required to succeed?
Andrew Russell is a professional gambler. He goes around from town to town playing poker games, professional and not. Russell always wears a fancy suit that allows him to cheat; exactly how is unclear. He always does this, switching out cards whenever it best suits him. But he does this only when facing a formidable opponent and claims that cheating doesn’t make him win.
In his eyes, cheating evens the playing field for high-quality players; skill is still required to win. Russell doesn’t see himself as a cheater; he thinks it’s just a clever investment. Other poker plays see it differently; if you want to be legitimate, you must win fairly, or it doesn’t count.
It’s a philosophical argument I suppose; there’s still an element of skill, and defeat is possible even when cheating for an advantage. Does that make one smart, or does any level of cheating invalidate the entire enterprise? Regardless, Russell still walks away with money, and he doesn’t feel sorry about it.
Dancing outlawed in Tumbleweed?
By Jose Chavez
Tumbleweed is a town of contradictions. On the one hand, it is a place many find freedom in. Far from civilization, Tumbleweed cares little for federal laws and for that matter, state laws. Unless you are actively harming somebody, generally, you can do it. On the other hand, under the stern hand of Sheriff Sam Freeman, Tumbleweed is a town of law and order. When outlaws cause trouble for Tumbleweed residents, deputies are quick to bring order to the chaos. However, one Tumbleweed visitor says law and order has gone too far.
“I was just interacting with another fella and having some fun,” said a traveler who asked to not be named, “so I started dancing, maybe I had a bit to drink, but I wasn’t harming nobody!” After a bit of dancing a deputy told him to stop and immediately opened fire on him. He then did what any sane man would do and fled the town into the dark desert night. When asked, a Tumbleweed deputy said the man had disturbed the peace. I asked Sheriff Sam Freeman if opening fire was the appropriate response and he replied, “are you disturbing the peace now?” I said no and promptly left town.
Week long hunt ends in success
By Delphia Atwood
Many in the Five States will never set foot in Ambarino. For those folks, Ambarino may as well be a foreign country. And so, when travelers arrive in civilization with tales from Ambarino the locals come out to listen. Such was the case this week when a hunter arrived in Valentine with a hunting tale. The hunter described the start of their hunt in Ambarino, just north of Fort Wallace where the Onyx Wolf was said to live. Though they found many promising signs of the wolf’s whereabouts, they could not find the wolf. Day one of the hunt ended without a sighting. Day two was only less of a failure because the hunter did kill a deer, which provided food for the rest of the week.
And a full week it took, the hunter explained. “I was nearly out of venison, naught but a can of beans in my possession,” the hunter said to eager locals, “and then I heard it, it was close.” The locals gathered closer themselves as the story built up momentum. The hunter said they were on the wolf’s trail and their hear skipped it beat when they saw the silhouette int he moonlight. “I raised my rifle and fired,” the hunter said. The shot was true and killed the beast, ending the hunt. The hunter showed the pelt to excited locals who had never seen such a thing and bought a round of drinks for everyone at Smithfield’s before retiring for the night.
Fist fight breaks out in Blackwater Saloon
By Nick McCrary
The Blackwater Saloon was host to a large brawl this week, forcing patrons to make a choice: flee or join the fight. It all started with three women walked into the saloon with a look of starting trouble on their face. “They didn’t look tired or ready to relax like most folks who come to the saloon,” said a saloon regular who witnessed it, “no, these ladies had a mission that did not involve drinking.” The women locked eyes with a group of men sitting at the bar and without warning, threw themselves into a fight. One of the men was knocked out with a single punch to the jaw before he could react.
Two other men at the bar got up and started to defend themselves from the attacking women. A fourth man who was sitting at a table joined the fight as well turning the brawl into three separate one on one fights. One pair went up the stairs, where one of the women ducked a punch and then kneed a man in the stomach before throwing him through a window. She came back down the stairs, grabbed a bottle and broke it over one of the men’s head, leaving the other two women to double team the other man. With all four men down the women left and fled the saloon just as law enforcement arrived. Witnesses were unable to identify the attackers.
A hunter nearly dies after using pheromones for the first time
By Van R. Seldon
Van Horn residents are used to vagabond types arriving in their town. With no official law enforcement, Van Horn draws those that are on the run or conduct business the law describes as illegal. Such types often look disheveled, but nothing like this hunter who arrived in a state of partial undress. One witness described the hunter as looking, “like he’d been living in a bush, he was dirty, what clothes they were wearing were ripped up, and full of small cuts and bruises.” For hours the man was silent. He sat in the Old Light Saloon, a plate of lamb’s heart uneaten in front of him. “He had a, strange smell to him as well,” said saloon owner Josie Dawson, “wasn’t the smell of an unshowered man, but something much stronger.”
In fact, as the residents would learn once the hunter finally spoke, the smell was pheromone. Pheromones are scents used by hunters that draw animals to their position. The scent not only covers the hunter’s natural scent but disguises the hunter as one of the beast’s own kin. However, the hunter used too much and was not prepare for what happened next. A black bear found him and, according to the hunter, dragged him back to a den. Once there, the beat pushed the hunter around and licked him, focusing on the areas doused in pheromone. “I… I don’t think it meant to hurt me,” the hunter said, “but I got cut and pushed around and nearly suffocated when it was on top of me.” The hunter escaped by stripping off his most pheromone soaked clothes when the bear was out of the den and then running. He found his camp, mounted his horse, and rode into Van Horn. The local hotel said the man needed three hot baths before the stench was subdued and five before it was entirely eradicated.
Local investigation concludes with surprising results
By Mathilde Orry
Local authorities in Rhodes were alerted to potential illegal dealings in the caravan just north of the town. Travelers would arrive in Rhodes and instead of heading down the main street to handle business, would head north to the nomad’s caravan. One particular wagon was visited by dozens of visitors, which drew the attention of a local deputy. Deputies watched the wagon all day and noted that visits often took less then a few minutes and it appeared some kind of exchange took place. When the deputies arrived at the wagon to investigate they found bottles of imported alcohol, piles of jewelry, and other valuables. The man in the wagon said the items were family herilooms, collected together to be protected and kept safe. None of the items appeared to have any personalization to identify an owner and so the story could not be disputed. When asked about the visitors, the man said he had many friends and it was his birthday, so he was receiving many visitors to wish him a happy birthday. Sheriff Gray felt so bad about his deputies’ actions that he paid for a cake and birthday feast for the accused man.
Male Hair Removal, A Rapidly Growing Industry!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Hair growth is widely respected for men in this country. One need only glance at portraits and photos across the century to see mustaches, beards, and long hair is everywhere. Well, not everyone is so inclined to follow standards; some men want the smoothest faces with the least amount of hair.
Some may mock them as unmanly, but it’s their choice if they feel it best fits them. Of course, the removal of said hair can be challenging at times. Barbers cutting with a straight razor isn’t always enjoyable, and the hair grows back quickly. This has led to an industry of hair removal products.
Tonics sold by doctors that supposedly kill hair growth are very popular, to a point of being hard to find. Of course, nobody asks what’s in these tonics and if it’s safe. This is made worse by snake oil salesmen who travel the country selling watered-down or made-up creations for a higher price.
That being said, nobody has died from these tonics “yet” so they may be entirely safe. Killing off all the hair on your face may seem rash, but if it’s what you desire, have at it. That is the lovely aspect of the United States; you be you is possible.
Automobiles are coming and a place to repair them is here!
By Frederick Vannesse
The automobile is the new, and dangerous, way of getting around. Industrialists building automobiles say they will overtake the horse as a primary means of transportation. That is a claim that is difficult to take seriously as automobiles are rough, breakdown, and do not handle dirt roads well. At least one of these problems has a solution on the way. A first of its kind shop has opened in Boston: an automobile repair shop. Several automobiles have been sold in Boston and so it seems like a good location for such a business. With automobiles having new kinds of problems new solutions are needed. Automobile repair is said to be reliable, fast, and all done at a fair price. Such shops are expected to open up all over the nation if automobiles become mainstream.
Conference of Bloemfontein to be held this week
By Ivy Seager
The status of British migrant workers will be addressed this week in the South African city of Bloemfontein. The migrant workers in question work in the Transvaal gold mines and are represented by British High Commissioner Alfred Milner. Milner is demanding the migrant workers be given the right to vote, use of the English language, and a requirement that local laws be approved by the British Parliament before they are enacted. Representing Transvaal is president Paul Kruger, who is not pleased with the demands and called them impossible solutions. There is little hope that compromise can be found but the conference is the best opportunity to do so. All parties say they are entering the conference in good faith.
The Five States Herald 