Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Makeup Rampage Across Five States!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
It’s often impossible to know what the next big product is, or what will be popular tomorrow. We only know what is popular now, and for the time being, it’s cosmetics.
Yes, a girl’s best friend, lipstick, rouge, powder, eyeliner, etc. All of these are products that have been widely available for some time; why they are selling so quickly now is anyone’s guess.
On the east coast, such finery is considered sinful or associated only with prostitution, yet out here, it’s seen as just everyday life. Perhaps that’s what drives this new boom, a knowing that things are different here.
The craze is reaching fever pitch; stores in Saint-Denis ran out of red lipstick within hours. Some women fought each other over some French eyeliner; a powder brush was almost used to strangle a man. Such violence, in the name of beauty, makes one wonder if blood will make a cheaper rouge.
It doesn’t matter that the supply cannot keep up with the demand, or that particular looks have been unfortunately associated with notable criminals; people just want more of this stuff and will not stop. It’s the indelible human spirit in a tube.
Photographer found mauled to death by the Sea of Coronado
By Wylie Frey
A fisherman discovered a dead body on the coast of the Sea of Coronado. “I saw the birds flying overhead,” said the fisherman, “so I investigated.” He said he had hoped to find something to scavenge, but instead found a dead body. The body was bloody and had been out in the sun for several hours. It had also been picked at heavily. Identifying the body was impossible. There was a rifle on the man’s body, as well as a pistol. A few feet away was a camera. The fisherman had the photographs developed in hopes of identifying the man. However, there was only one picture, the last thing the man saw alive: a maza cougar.
The fisherman took the photograph and sold it for gold nuggets. “I didn’t chat no fish that day,” the man said, “but those gold nuggets surely paid for a decent meal.”
Whinyard Straight ambush brought to an end
By Caylen V. Hornby
This week outlaws set up an ambush near Whinyard Straight, catching several travelers off guard. Several travelers arrived in Valentine and reported about the ambush. Several of the travelers said they escaped with their lives by paying off the ambushers. “I don’t take kindly to thieves,” said one of the travelers, “but I wanted to live, you see, so I paid them off.”
A posse was rounded up and they set a trap for the ambush. The posse split, approaching the area from both directions. As soon as the ambushers showed themselves, they became the ambushed. All of the ambushers were killed and their bodies left for scavenger creatures.
A posse of ‘funny men’ upset about ‘magician’
By Odell Clifton
A man was minding his own business in Blackwater. Witnesses say he was reading through some pamphlets. When a group of people quickly, and quietly, constructed a wooden cage around the man. Several witnesses said they were shocked that the man did not notice. However, when he did see the cage he did not seem at all panicked. Witnesses say the man tipped his hat and suddenly disappeared. The so called ‘funny men’ were shocked and began circling the cage in disbelief. Several moments later the previously caged man was spotted in the Blackwater Saloon enjoying a drink. The funny men fled the city when the local police began investigating, with a particular focus on unlawful imprisonment committed by the funny men. “We don’t find these folks funny at all,” said one police officer, “only we can imprison folks and we don’t take kindly to criminals falsely imprisoning people.”
Warrants were issued later that day for any individual affiliated with the funny men gang.
‘Flying saucer’ spotted over Valentine
By Donna Deshner
Valentine residents reported an unusual object in the sky that was described as a ‘flying saucer.’ “I saw it, behind the saloon but it wasn’t flying,” one witness said, “it was floating just above the ground.” Nobody saw the object arrive, but did not it came after a gunfight. “Some fellers were shooting at each other,” said a Valentine resident, “common enough I suppose, but this gunfight must of drawn the attention of what thing, that saucer or whatever it was.” Witnesses described the saucer as shiny and confused. “It was moving strangely, as if it knew where it was but didn’t understand how large it was,” a witness said, “it just bumped into buildings and people.”
Some witnesses believe the so called flying saucer was attempting to communicate. It frequently stopped in front of people and made a series of beeping sounds. “It kind of went beep beep bop bop beep,” a witness said, “and it would just get louder and louder when we couldn’t understand it.” The sauce eventually left Valentine. A witness noticed that a horse that belonged to one of the two gunfighters from earlier followed the saucer.
Two injured by runaway carriage
By Emeline Vickroy
Patrons at an upscale Saint Denis restaurant were shocked by an out of control carriage this week. Witnesses say a man tried to rob the carriage driver and when the robber accidently fired his gun, the horse panicked and ran. The spooked horse pulled the carriage a little over a mile before he ran by the restaurant. Patrons were sitting on tables set outside of the restaurant and were unable to react quick enough to the charge horse and carriage. Screams filled the air as tables and chairs went sent flying to the ground, as well as two customers. The restaurant owner was furious and chased the carriage a little ways before giving up. Fortunately, the injuries were minor and the owner of the horse and carriage offered to pay for their doctor bills.
A Sea Monster Dwells in the Five States!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Did you have a relative who spun tall tales when bored? I had a grandfather who would talk of giant fish in the rivers, usually to explain why he lost a hat. Some people are just adept at the gift of gab, even if what they claim is bogus, yet numerous stories across the Five States seem to describe such tall tales as being true.
From Lemoyne to New Austin, fishermen have described regular laidback days fishing in rivers or lakes, only to nearly be attacked by a giant monster fish. Nobody ever describes the creature in detail, just that it was large and fast.
Stories of a sea creature that dwells in this region have been reported since long before we Americans set foot in these lands. Local tribes whose names have been forgotten passed down oral traditions of giant catfish and other large fish that prayed on men. Of course, nobody took these stories seriously; they were obviously tall tales. Yet, too many people have described the same event for it to be just the dreams of sailors. What lies in the many waterways that dot the Five States? Something, and that is perhaps the scariest thing.
Admiral celebrated on anniversary of naval victory
By Frederick Vannesse
Admiral George Dewey was honored in celebration of his rout of the Spanish fleet at Manilla last year. Though victory was expected, Admiral Dewey was praised for keeping the spirits of his seamen. Admiral Dewey is credited as giving a rousing speech before giving the command, “you may fire when you are ready.” That command kicked off U.S. naval victory at Manilla and secured naval dominance for the rest of the war. Admiral Dewey gave a speech, where he was described as humble but proud of his accomplishments.
Literary theater opens in Dublin
By Ivy Seager
Theater performances have become increasingly popular in Europe and this week Dublin has entered the trend. A new literary theater will open in Dublin. The initial plan is to showcase local playwrights and actors. However, theater management said they will bring in the biggest plays from the biggest playwrights. The Irish Literary Theater will bring culture to Dublin, according to the owner, and provide entertainment for years to come for Dublin residents.
The Five States Herald 