Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Suffragette Movement in Britain Far More Violent than America!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Walk the streets of Rhodes or Saint-Denis, and you will occasionally hear shouts and cheers for a woman’s right to vote. The suffragette movement is quite extensive in this country, full of marches, political stunts, and protests. If I had the time, I would gladly join such events, for a woman’s right to vote should be equal to all others. Of course, other countries have similar draconian policies that women protest, but their actions are a bit different in Britain.
In recent months, windows have been broken, fists thrown, fires started, and countless more criminal acts have been done in the name of the right to vote. Just this week, a member of parliament was whipped in the face while walking by a suffragette! Bombs have even been planted in various historical locations! People have died from these actions. Yet, despite a more radical angle, the pathway to voting is about as slow as it has been in the United States. I wish them well, and if it works, perhaps one could argue that the ends justify the means, but until then, I vastly prefer how we Yankees do it.
Various people in this country wish the movement would go away for disrupting normal days. Oh, how lucky they are; if this was England, they might be missing an eye or a limb for such a comment.
Camp attack fended off by trader’s partner
By Wylie Frey
A young group of outlaws saw a vulnerable target: an unintended camp. They attacked quickly, hoping to steal the accumulated goods. “I had business in town, so left my partner to to finish up,” the trader said. When they arrived back at camp they saw three men dead just outside of the camp. “My partner said they attacked not long after I left, as if they waited until I was gone,” the trader said, “but my partner made short work of them.” The outlaws were later identified as outlaws that had harassed folks all over New Austin. The bodies were dragged out into the desert and left to rot. Tumbleweed deputies thanked the trader and their partner for their service and paid for a round of drinks.
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Man found hogtied in the woods claims magician did it
By Delphia Atwood
A man was found on a seldom used road, on the ground and hogtied. He was fortunate that a rider had been using the road. Ambarino Rangers have stated that this particular stretch of land can go days without human travelers. The rider quickly untied to the man, who was appreciative of the rescue. The pair traveled together down the road until the previously hogtied man found his horse meandering in the forest. “It was strange,” the rider said, “fella said a magic man was roaming Ambarino, tricking folks, turning them into fools.” The man’s story is in fact, quite bizarre. He claimed that he was pursuing a man on foot, for reasons he did not care to specify. He tackled the man and then began to hogtie him. However, just as he was finishing, he found himself on the floor hogtied himself. His would be victim stood up, stretched, and then according to the victim, ran off laughing.
There have been no other reports of a “magic man” roaming the wilds of Ambarino. However, as always, you should be cautious and ever aware while traveling in the wildest state in the Five States. While Ambarino may not see the gunfights of New Hanover or Lemoyne, it still threatens all travelers with a far quieter danger. What happens in Ambarino remains in Ambarino, and the odds of anyone hearing you scream are low.
Moonshine operation shut down
By Nick McCrary
Federal authorities were tipped off to a moonshine operation after the operator of said moonshine operation complained to Blackwater lawmen about trespassers. “It was the strangest thing,” said a Blackwater police officer, “he came in and said some folks entered his property and won’t leave, he wanted us to evict them.” The deputy explained that because the location was outside of the city limits, they did not have the jurisdiction to evict the trespassers. A federal agent who had been at the Blackwater Police Department at the time overheard the complaint and offered assistance. “The agent said he had the authority to help him,” a policeman said, “so we let him go, though I suspected the complainant was a moonshiner who had not thought out his decision.” It turned out that the agent offering assistance was not just any federal agent, but a Revenue agent tasked with combatting moonshining and bootlegging.
By the time the man arrived with the agent, whom the man still did not know was a revenuer, the trespassers were gone. The revenuer took little time to notice the distilling equipment and an underground bar complete with a band. The man who reported the crime was arrested as a moonshiner. “What a dumb son of a bitch,” said one of the arresting revenuers, “to call authorities to his own illegal moonshining operation.” The Bureau of Internal Revenue is taking it as a win and sent out a memo to other agencies that interagency cooperation is the key to punishing elusive criminals.
Man survives the impossible
By Donna Deshner
A man walked into Dr. Ben Calloway’s office this week with a burn injury. “When he walked in, I thought he had escaped a fire or something,” said Dr. Calloway, “looked like the flame licked him around the right shoulder.” However, the man explained this is not what happened at all. “I was attacked by some outlaws and while driving them off, one fired a dynamite arrow at me,” the main said. Dynamite arrows are arrows with dynamite tied to them. The dynamite is then lit and the arrow fired. Such a weapon generally results in instant death.
In this case, however, the man survived. He described a loud explosion and being knocked to the ground. “I didn’t have time to think, I was still under attack,” the man said, “so I just got up and kept fighting.” He said that he heard a loud ringing throughout the fight and that the yells of his attackers were muffled. The attackers soon fled and the man made his way to Valentine to visit the doctor. “I expect he’ll have a loud ringing in his ear for the rest of his life, off and on anyway,” said Dr. Calloway, “but he’ll survive, which is a miracle in and of itself.”
Hated Singer Hit with Pie!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Saint-Denis is a large city, its citizens hold a wide range of views and opinions, some of which aren’t very popular. You can point to the reviled man who believes strongly in the eugenics movement, to name just one. Samantha Stoneman is another example.
Stoneman is a singer, originally from New Austin; she hit it big in Saint-Denis years ago as a stage singer and opera performer. She is said to be immensely talented and popular, so she quickly made deals with various companies in Saint-Denis to promote products. Most notably, she is tied to a large apple pie company near the docks. She is perhaps better known for her beliefs, which are very stingy.
There’s the standard fair, hatred of racial progress; she doesn’t like women’s right to vote, and she has said kind words about outlaws like the Lemoyne Raiders. But above all, she profoundly hates military veterans. She has written songs denouncing the men who fought against Spain, Civil War veterans who preserved the Union, and various Indian War fighters.
This last group spoke for all of us today, when a kindly man in a Union uniform ran up to Stoneman and threw an apple pie into her face. She intends to press charges, but it likely won’t succeed. How people this hateful get through life will remain a great mystery.
Concern over strange behavior being reported across the Five States
By Lucien Privitt
An odd sickness seems to be affecting cowpokes all over the Five States. The sickness has only one symptom and that symptom is inconsistent, making diagnoses and treatment difficult. The unnamed sickness is characterized by the afflicted going “blank.” “We call it going blank, but what we mean is, they just kind of stand there with a blank look on their face,” said Dr. Joseph R. Barnes of Saint Denis, “the only thing they do is, well, if you move them at all they just move back to where they were.” Dr. Barnes explained that one such afflicted person was carried into his office, only to walk right back out to where they had been standing previously. “They were expressionless the entire time,” the doctor added. That afflicted individuals will not remain still for evaluation adds to the difficulty in diagnosing the problem.
“I’ve seen a few of these folks,” said Dr. Ben Calloway of Valentine, “though I suspect many are likely shot dead instead of brought to me.” Dr. Calloway has likewise been unable to identify the cause of the illness. “I left my office and made a field visit to one feller, watched him for a bit,” said Dr. Calloway, “then he just sort of shook his head and came back around.” So far, too few cases have been identified to build sufficient information around the illness. For instance, it is unknown if it is contagious or not. For now, leaders in the medical field have suggested avoiding people who appear to have ‘gone blank’ for your own safety.
Baltimore pitcher throws a no-hitter
By Rutherford X. Downing
James “Jay” Hughes threw a no-hitter over the weekend. Hughes, a rookie, has impressed Orioles fans. His first two appearances saw the Orioles win with shutout victories. His third appearance, against the Boston Braves, saw Hughes throw a no-hitter. Fans watched each pitch with anticipation and as the innings drew on, a tension became palpable around the stadium. Each pitch became a continuation of something amazing or the potential to end the historical moment. By the time the last pitch was thrown, fans were so tense that they nearly exploded in energy! Even fans of the Braves cheered for Hughes amazing feat. The young pitcher has a lot of eyes on him now, as many expect great things from Hughes in the future.
U.S. Navy returns captured Spanish ships
By Ivy Seager
The short, but intense Spanish-American War may be just a memory, but it is one that is still fresh on the minds of many. The explosion of the USS Lewiston is the known origin, but there is still a dispute over what happened. As a result, relations between the U.S. and Spain have not been ideal. In an attempt to smooth things over, the U.S. Navy has returned several Spanish ships that were captured during the war. The Spanish government thanked the U.S. for this olive branch, though sources indicate there is some suspicion about the motives behind the return of the ships. What they are suspicious of is not clear, only a mistrust of the U.S. government leading to suspicion over the diplomatic agreement. Both the Spanish and the U.S. government are promoting the return as a sign of a new friendship.
The Five States Herald 