Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Morbid sightings of “holey women” has people wondering if the world has turned upside down
By Lucien Privitt
It was a normal job. A trader known as Ms. Barlow joined with other traders to protect a train full of their collective goods. An experienced trader, Ms. Barlow knew to be on the lookout for turncoats, other traders quick to reject cooperation and push other traders off the train to steal their goods. However, what Ms. Barlow saw she was not prepared for. “A woman walked up to me with no top on, just completely bare chested,” said Ms. Barlow, “now I ain’t a prude, but it was a strange sight because the woman had no breasts!” Where her breasts should have been were instead gaping holes. “I could see clean through her chest to the train car wall behind her!” exclaimed Ms. Barlow. And she was not the only one to see such a person.
Sightings of women with large holes in their chest have been pouring in from all over the Five States. “I am not sure how they are alive,” said Dr. Ben Calloway, the Valentine town doctor. “Holes like that should make living completely impossible, and yet, these people are reported as walking, talking, and breathing like everyone else,” Dr. Calloway explained. It was reported that at least one “holey woman” was killed, indicating they are not some form of undead creature as has been reported in the past. The autopsy of the dead “holey woman” did not produce any new information. Sightings should be reported to local authorities.
Young Man Still Haunts Cemetery!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
There are not too many reasons to be out near Odd Fellow’s Rest. It’s not close to a settlement, and wildlife tends to be quite aggressive out there. But if one does by chance pass by on a cloudy night, it might be best to stay clear. There have been scattered reports that you won’t be alone in that graveyard.
Many have seen a young man standing near the gates, asking if anyone has seen his bride-to-be, a woman named Alma. The man always vanishes not long after being spotted. The man is believed to be Peter Turner, an upbeat man from Armadillo who was betrothed to a miss Alma Horlick. Only one problem, Peter died in 1894 after being hit on the head during a bar fight. It appears his spirit refuses to rest, if you believe in that kind of thing.
Attempts to find Miss Horlick have mostly failed. She was hardly a young woman four years ago, and what with the disease outbreak in Armadillo; it’s entirely possible she’s already died. Eternal rest seems impossible for these two love birds.
Do the dead not rest easy in Odd Fellow’s Rest? Who can say, it’s all haunted history now.
Investigative posse comes across outlaw hideout
By Caylen V. Hornby
Following the sighting of a large herd of bulls being found missing organs and most of their blood, an investigative posse was formed. The group was traveling south along Spider Gorge looking for clues and found themselves south of Lake Isabella when they stumbled upon an outlaw hideout. “We weren’t prepared for a prolonged gunfight,” said one of the investigators, “but we weren’t gonna let outlaws run free.” The posse engaged the outlaws and cleared it out of in short order. “Turns out, they were less prepared for a fight than we were,” said another investigator. The bodies of the outlaws were left where they were. No information regarding the bull slaughtering was uncovered.
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Bison population decline makes pelts price go up
By Nick McCrary
The bison population has been decimated in the last several decades. As civilization spread across the United States the bison pelt became a prized trophy, leading to the overhunting of the majestic creature. In some cases, bison have been killed and left to rot. Despite the massive population decline, demand for bison pelts remains high.
Buyers offered extra gold nuggets on top of the market value of bison pelts. As a result, hunters who have showed less interest in hunting bison have had a change of heart. Several hunters rode into West Elizabeth to roam the Great Plains in search of bison. A large herd was found and hunted by several hunters. The gold nugget bonus could only be applied to a single bison pelt, so the hunters did not come into conflict over the scarce pelts to collect.
Brawl clears out Smithfield’s Saloon
By Emery Cosberry
A fist fight started in the middle of the day at Smithfield’s Saloon between two men. Witnesses to the fight were not sure what started it, but at least one bystander was knocked out during the fight. “Poor fella had the misfortunate of getting between two men throwing fists,” said a witness, “and all it took was one punch to put him to the ground.” The saloon quickly cleared out as the two men punched, blocked, and dodged all over the saloon. Three men, however, remained at their stations. Cliff Smithfield, owner and operator, remained behind the bar. “Folks know not to attack the hand that brings the drinks,” said Mr. Smithfield. He watched the fight calmly while cleaning glasses. “I also pay the pianist to keep playing no matter what is going on,” Mr. Smithfield added. And play the did, continuing to offer the fighters music to accompany the swinging fists.
The third man who stayed despite the fight was the barber. Why? “I’ve seen fella come in here in the middle of fights, shootouts, hell even fires!” said Mr. Smithfield, “and walk right up to that barber to have their beard shaved!” And so, the barber also stayed, just in case someone needed a haircut. After several minutes, one of the fighters became wary and let his defense slip. “That fella caught the other right in the jaw, knocked him out clean,” said Mr. Smithfield. Once the fight ended, the winner purchased a bottle of beer and walked out, prompting saloon goers to return to their daily routine of drinking and hollering. The loser of the fight woke up several minutes later and like the winner, purchased a bottle of beer before leaving.
Shaving Razor Proves Deadly!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
The classic razor, used by professional barbers and the common man for more years than can be counted. Ever reliable, helpful in many situations, and potentially deadly if misused.
Edgar Turner was an up-and-coming businessman in Saint-Denis two weeks ago. One week ago, he was found dead in his bathroom; dried blood had seeped into the rug and floor. His throat had clearly been cut.
Police at first suspected foul play; it was no secret that Turner had made deals with some of the criminal underworld. But it was eventually established that the death was actually an accident. It appears the poor man was repeatedly pushing the razor back and forth over a specific spot, irritated that one hair wasn’t being cut. In the confusion, the blade cut an artery, and he rapidly died.
Turner’s widow is expected to try and sue the company that sold her husband the razor, but most legal experts believe it’s a foolhardy venture. It’s easy to point out this accident wasn’t caused by a defective razor, but rather by reckless behavior. Still, the widow will try her luck with the iron dice of justice anyway; best of luck to her.
Man says all horse breeds are equally brave, gets eaten by an alligator during his test
By Adam Parvey
When discussing the characteristics of different horse breeds, some things are very clear. Some horses are faster and more agile, some larger and more bulky, and some are quite vocal. However, one often disputed characteristic is bravery. Are some horse breeds naturally braver than others? “Horses raised for war are certainly, on average, braver than others,” said the owner of the Valentine stables, “they are bred for combat.” Another stable owner had a different view, “horses bred for war are trained for war,” they said, “they aren’t born brave but are conditioned as ponies to think of gunshots and combat sounds as normal, non-threatening noises.” An experienced horseman said, “some breeds are certainly predisposed to being braver than others, however, build up their loyalty and work to keep them calm under pressure and any breed will do just fine in combat or around predator animals.” A Five States resident looking to definitively make the point that all horses are equally as brave wet out to do an experiment early this week. As it is accepted knowledge that a strong bond and constant reassurances from the rider will keep any horse from bucking the rider, this experimenter wanted to know about natural bravery. “How brave is the horse if the rider is not calming them?” they asked.
They started with an Arabian horse, stating it is the one that most people believe to be the most skittish. With a small crowd gathered, the rider rode the Arabian slowly toward an alligator. He explained he has owned the horse for quite sometime and they have a very strong bond. However, the rider promised not to try to keep the horse calm, but let the tension play out naturally. Onlookers watched the Arabian begin to get skittish and start whining. The rider put a hand out to the crowd, assuring them all was well. Then the alligator charged. The Arabian stood up on its hind legs, bucking its rider off. The experimenter landed hard and tried to get back up but slipped in the bayou mud. Before any of the onlookers could offer help the alligator was upon him.
“It was awful, grabbed him by the legs and started rolling around,” one witness said, “then dragged him into the water and we never saw him again.” The horse was found about a quarter mile up north eating grass, having calmed down after escaping the alligator. Unfortunately, this meant the experiments were cut short and no other horse was tested. Once again, definitive answers regarding the bravery of horse breeds alludes us.
Olds Motor Vehicle Co manufactures its first “Oldsmobile”
By Frederick Vannesse
The Olds Motor Vehicle Co was founded just a year ago by Ransom E. Olds. This week its first Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line in Lansing, Michigan. Mr. Olds believes his Oldsmobile will be the most popular motor vehicle in the United States. Despite the low demand for motor vehicles, several competitors are entering the emerging market. Motor vehicles are already being sold in the United States and other nations, yet it is unclear if the trend will take off. Many have pointed out that the motor vehicles that have been purchased are unable to be driven safely due to the lack of infrastructure. While some towns have paved roads, the dirt roads that connect towns are less than ideal for motor vehicles. If the the would be titans of the motor vehicle industry wish to see motor vehicles prosper, they may need to invest in paving roads across the nation.
Tensions rise in Candia
By Ivy Seager
Tensions between local Muslim irregulars and the European installed multinational security forces. Candia, part of the Ottoman Empire has seen several conflicts in the last decade. The Ottoman Empire has enacted several policies that have resulted in the persecution of local Christians. This has created a significant amount of unrest, resulting in the intervention by European forces as part of a pact between the Ottoman Empire and European forces. This agreement has not sat well with locals. At the center of the conflict are the Candia custom houses, a key part of European trade in the area. European forces are in Candia to keep the peace around the custom houses to ensure trade continues. However, their presence only seems to be a provocation for violence. For now, a tense peace maintains. But for how long?
The Five States Herald 