Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Celebration of Life held for “The West” and Attended by Many!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
This Wednesday was the well-marketed “Death of the West” funeral, held by some old timers who were already nostalgic for an entire era of history that was rapidly coming to a close. It quickly grew in size however, to almost every major settlement in the Five States, and was attended by cowpokes young and old.
What were they mourning? It varied from person to person; the older ones were almost always memory bound and sorrowful to see a way of life ending, for good or ill. For the youngsters, it seemed to be an understanding that life would change, and that change is scary.
But it wasn’t as dour as you would think. Food, drinking, and festive games were held by many who went. Some even called it more a celebration of life than a funeral, a way to honor good memories. It did somewhat cause traffic jams and a few fistfights, but that’s almost to be expected.
As everyone went home as the sun set, many quietly reflected on what had been done. Would it change anything? Probably not, but sometimes it’s important to mark the end of an era or tradition in style.
Stablemaster allegedly attempts to sell a man as if it were a unique breed of horse
By Jose Chavez
Tumbleweed stablemaster under investigation following an alleged attempt at selling a man as a horse. “I walked into the stables hoping to get me a new horse and what was brought out to me was a man,” said a cowpoke, “stablemaster said it was a special breed that couldn’t carry much but was good at doing work around the house.” Federal investigators arrived a few days later after a report was filed. “All forms of slavery were outlawed by the 13th Amendment,” said a federal investigator, “and we take seriously claims regarding people held in forced captivity.” The alleged man being sold as a horse was not found by the investigators, who further announced that no evidence of wrong doing had been found. “We didn’t find anyone person being sold as a horse,” the investigator said, “nor did we find anything in the ledgers indicating a man had been sold as a horse.” The investigation has been officially closed.
Search for dinosaur bones picks up steam in Ambarino
By Jane Duran
Dinosaur bones found near O’Creagh’s Run spark excitement among fossil hunters. “I cannot described to you the feeling I get when I uncover one of these ancient bones,” said one paleontologist, “it is like I am holding the past in my hands, literally.” The Grizzlies East region of Ambarino has been a hotspot for such fossils, drawing in several cowpokes looking to make a major discovery. Leading paleontologist Deborah MacGuiness has also arrived in the Five States to begin her own investigations into the area. Miss MacGuiness has been putting together evidence for a dinosaur that she claims is yet undiscovered, which she calls the Totalisaurus. However, the fossils that have been found so far have belonged to previously identified creatures. Still, Miss MacGuiness believes the final pieces of evidence for the Totalisaurus is here in the Five States. Will someone else beat her to the discovery?
Hunter takes grizzly down with bear hands
By Nick McCrary
A hunter turned an ambush into victory this week when a grizzly bear attacked him. The hunter was caught by surprise by the charging grizzly and did not have time to steady his rifle to take a shot. Where most folks would have been killed by such an ambush, the hunter managed to not only survive but take the beast down. A man who rode by on a wagon described the man as ‘Heracles in the flesh,’ referencing the Greek demi-god made popular by ancient tales of strength. While the hunter did try to run away at one point, the witness said the hunter also engaged in a battle of strength. “He grabbed the beast’s arms and it clawed at him,” the witness said, “but somehow, the hunter threw the bear to the ground.” The hunter then pounced on the grizzly while pulling out a knife and driving it into the beast’s throat. It flailed its legs about, but the hunter rolled away. The beat eventually bled out. In Blackwater, the hunter was spotted and said to have sported a few fresh scratches, but nothing life threatening.
Bureau of Internal Revenue under investigation for corruption
By Adam Parvey
The agency without a head is facing a new set of problems. For months, the effectiveness of the Bureau of Internal Revenue has been questioned. Every agent who rose to head of the Bureau was killed, at least one by the Great Plains Sniper. Special Agent Reid Hixon was first to lead the bureau in the Five States. He was very effective at reducing moonshining, however, he was eventually killed by an unknown bootlegger. A new accusation has been thrown at the Bureau of Internal Revenue: corruption. Specifically, allegations have been made that the Bureau is taking orders from Angelo Bronte, a wealth businessman who allegedly runs an underground crime network. Revenue agents are rarely seen in Saint Denis, say accusers. When agents do show up in Saint Denis they barely enter the city limits before turning back. Further, a private investigator says there is a clear pattern to moonshine confiscation that suggests the agents know exactly which wagons to search and which ones not to.
“I can’t say much at this point,” said the investigator who asked to remain anonymous, “but I have personally witnessed wagons attacked without even a cursory search of the goods!” If this statement is true, it means agents may be getting tips as to which wagons carry moonshine. However, the private investigator also said he has seen several wagons waved by that clearly had moonshine in the hold. “An uncovered wagon full of moonshine was just waved through,” said the investigator, “I followed and sure enough, the alcohol was delivered at one of Mr. Bronte’s properties.” Lemoyne authorities said there is no current investigation of the Revenue of Internal Revenue being conducted by the state, though that may change. “I understand it is the feds investigating the feds,” said a Lemoyne state police spokesman, “which is like a dog chasing its tail, never gonna catch anything, so maybe we will open an investigation in the near future.”
The Bureau of Internal Revenue declined making a comment for this article.
All day funeral brings mourners and griefers
By Donna Deshner
A day of grief and morning affects everyone differently. Following the announcement that “the Old West is dead,” residents in the Five States have come together to mourn. All across the nation progress has paved a road over the Old West, with the Five States being something of a holdout. However, after private investors moved their investments to the west coast, the state legislatures said they will no longer fight to bring new jobs to the Five States. “During this time of uncertainty, we recommend folks take up private contracts,” said a spokesmen for the New Hanover Governor’s office, “many folks are hiring through telegrams, so folks can still get work at train stations.” These announcements were quickly followed by a wide variety of reactions. Some still hold out hope that this is just a phase and eventually development in the Five States will continue. Others, however, see this as the end of the road. Many such folks gathered in Valentine to mourn the end of the Old West and possibly, the end of the Five States.
While some of these moments of mourning were reported to be somber, reflective experiences, some turned hostile. A bounty hunter ride into town with a bounty to turn in, only to be met by a grieving group of cowpokes eager to share their grieving with others. “They attacked me completely unprovoked,” said the bounty hunter, “I had to ride behind a building for cover.” The bounty hunter then threw a stick of dynamite in the middle of the griefers, killing them and giving him the opportunity to turn in the bounty. The Valentine Sheriff, Curtis Malloy, said there were several altercations at the church during various funerals. However, most of the events were peaceful.
Naturalist Harriet Davenport attacked, tent set on fire
By Emeline Vickroy
Harriet Davenport was attacked this week by a disgruntled cowpoke. The attack occurred in the early morning. Miss Davenport said the woman approached her with blood samples. However, Miss Davenport was not happy to see the woman. “I heard, my friends told me, that this woman ran over a squirrel and said mean things to a rabbit,” Miss Davenport said, “then she called the majestic boar ‘animal fat!'” Miss Davenport then admitted to spraying the woman with a “non-lethal, barely harmful” aerosol based drug. Instead of leaving or reporting Miss Davenport’s assault, the woman flung flaming bottles of alcohol into Miss Davenport’s tent in the bayou. Miss Davenport then scrambled to remove several specimens from her tent. Authorities warned Miss Davenport to stop spraying people with hallucinogenic drugs. No charges were filed on the arsonist.
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Photographers:
To take photographs to be used in the Herald.
Can also do all three!
Grand History of Female Crime Finished!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Why do people commit crimes? Ask 20 people, and you will get 20 answers. This is regarding male criminals; for women, most do not bother, except for one person. French academic Melanie St. Just, distantly to the famous French Revolutionary, has finished a long-awaited thesis paper on feminine crime, tracing its history from 331 BC to the current year 1898.
Many people seem to think criminals of the so-called “fairer sex” are a more recent trend, caused by the suffragette movement or increasing women’s rights. According to St. Just, this is not the case. As far back as the Roman Republic, there were poison rings led by upper-class women. There have been people like the poisoner Locusta of Gaul, Madame de Brinvilliers of Louis XIV infamy, and accused robber queen Lavinia Fisher.
While the paper doesn’t make a conclusive point about what causes people to commit crime, it does point out the general pattern of female criminality; they tend to last longer than male counterparts, prefer poison generally speaking over guns and knives, and tend to be monetarily focused. The small chapter on female outlaws in the Five States highlights how some people like Myra Rose Hart don’t fit the mold.
Of course, it’s unlikely anyone outside of academia will read this paper. But such is the nature of higher knowledge; it’s sometimes kept among the upper class like a gold hoarding dragon.
Los Santos boycott loses steam before it starts
By Frederick Vannesse
A group of Five States residents attempted to get a boycott of Los Santos going. However, it was quickly realized that such a boycott would be ineffective. “It turns out that many residents of the Five States never visit Los Santos and had no plan to move their,” said the boycott organizer, “as a result, them joining the boycott and abstaining from Los Santos has zero effect on Los Santos tourism.” Further, it was learned that those residents who do go to Los Santos are really just visitors to the Five States, with Los Santos being their true home. Such individuals have no interest in boycotting their home. As a result, it seems the boycott’s efforts to reduce tourism and the general population of Los Santos has failed right out of the gate. “We are still looking at options, but right now, it ain’t looking that great,” said the boycott organizer.
French flag hoisted over Fashoda, Sudan
By Ivy Seager
Jean-Baptiste Marchand has led French forces against the Sudanese for weeks now. Being outnumbered 10 to 1 has forced Marchand to consider his actions carefully. Marchand has pushed the Sudanese forces back in what the French have called a display of brilliant tactical sense. However, before Marchand and his French forces are better equipped. Marchand raised the French flag over Fashoda, Sudan this week, signaling and end to most hostilities. The Sudanese forces did not surrender, but were forced to retreat. The French government says their hold on the Sudan will grow in the coming months as they work to secure the nation and bring stability.
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