Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
New Austin Ms. Daredevil to Float from Balloon!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
The human body is a funny thing, tough yet fragile. People have survived losing limbs in the heat of battle, and some have died from accidentally cutting their beard too fast with a razor. Most normal people don’t think too much about this contradiction, but some embrace it. They find it nearly intoxicating. These are the daredevils.
You may have heard of men and women going over waterfalls in barrels, occasionally surviving, these are a specific type of daredevil; there are many branches of this wild tree. One such branch resides in New Austin, specifically in Tumbleweed. Her name is Hazel Keyes, but she goes by Lady Hazel when performing. She has climbed mountains, swam rivers, jumped gorges, just about everything the mind can imagine.
Now, she’s set to fly in a hot air balloon, but that is not the stunt; no, she intends to jump out and use a recently designed air apparatus to slow her fall. Many are calling it brilliantly brave, just as many say it is a depressing suicide. The funny thing is, to Lady Hazel, the difference is so minor it doesn’t even register; glory or death are only a hair difference. Many women nowadays do something with the goal of advancing themselves or perhaps women as a class, to Lady Hazel? She does it, because it’s there, and that’s enough of a taunt. Whether she jumps into heaven or dives into hell, I wish her well.
Gila monster hunts spurred by reports of its poisonous bite
By Jose Chavez
In New Austin, fear has spread after reports claimed the bite of the gila monster, a sluggish desert lizard, is poisonous to travelers. Though naturalists remain divided on the truth, the rumors alone have been enough to spark organized hunts across the region. Ranchers and townsfolk have taken to the rocky flats and gullies with rifles and shovels, determined to rid the land of what they now call a creeping menace. Some hunters proudly display carcasses outside saloons as proof of their service, while passing families feel safer knowing patrols are scouring the desert.
Yet not all agree with the frenzy. A handful of voices argue that the gila monster, slow and rarely aggressive, poses little threat unless provoked, and that the killings are wasteful and cruel. Still, fear has proven more powerful than fact, and the movement shows no sign of slowing. For now, New Austin’s desert trails echo with gunfire and shouts as locals vow to make the roads safe—by driving the reptiles to the brink.
Massive bear causing torment for travelers has been killed
By Jane Duran
Travelers through Cotorra Springs have lived in fear these past weeks after repeated reports of a massive bear roaming the area. Several parties were attacked, leaving some badly injured and, in two tragic cases, dead. The government offered no action despite growing calls for intervention, and the danger forced many to avoid the once popular trail entirely. Campers and traders alike spoke of the beast in hushed tones, describing it as larger than any bear they had ever seen.
Relief came when Sadie Adler, a private citizen from Ambarino, took matters into her own hands. Hiring a skilled hunter, she financed a pursuit of the beast when officials would not. After a tense tracking through the steaming vents and rugged cliffs, the hunter succeeded in killing the massive bear. Locals now say the paths around Cotorra Springs are safe once more, though the tale of the bear’s reign has already grown into legend and some vowing to never return to the area.
Cowpoke still carries the 4th of July with him
By Odell Clifton
Several witnesses reported a cowpoke riding across the Great Plains carrying two American flags, shooting fireworks into the sky, and leaving a ‘glowing trail’ in their wake. Some witnesses say that the patriotic cowpoke rode around them before riding off and others say the cowpoke just rode by in the distance. Fireworks exploded above them, though it is unclear how they were launched. Nor can the glowing trail that followed them be explained. Experts say this is a massive hoax. “We believe the witnesses accounts are false, that people are lying to get stories into the papers,” one expert on fireworks said, “while fireworks are real, launching them repeatedly from horseback, especially given the size witnesses reported, is impossible.” A hunter how saw the patriotic cowpoke understands how some think witnesses are lying.
“I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it, being honest,” the hunter said, “the glowing trail that followed wasn’t natural.” Some have come to call the cowpoke the ‘Captain America’ and some of come to believe it is a spirit. “It’s a spirit of American, come in our time of need,” said one witness, “America is in a trying time, a fight for our identity and character going on right now and this spirit has risen up to remind us of who we are: a people bound together by a longing for freedom.”
Outlaw busted after injuring themselves
By Donna Deshner
An outlaw managed to evade lawmen this week, though their evasion was only temporary. The lawbreaker was being chased by several lawmen when they managed to cut through a dense copse of trees. Lawmen said they saw the man’s horse running riderless. “We figured the fool had jumped off his horse and sent his horse running ahead,” one lawman said, “we searched the trees and could not find him.” The lawmen eventually learned they were the fools and figured out that the outlaw likely escaped by jumping on a train.
“By the time we figured it out, the train was long gone from our sight,” a lawman said, “but we decided to follow the tracks a bit anyway to see if we could find any clues.” What they found instead was the outlaw themselves. He was laying on the ground groaning in pain with his horse nearby. The outlaw was promptly arrested. As they were taken back to the station to be processed, they explained they jumped off the train but missed their horse. “They landed hard on the ground and couldn’t get up,” said a lawman, “which was bad for him but good for us.” The horse was taken to a nearby stable. However, that same night the outlaw managed to escape. The stable reported that the horse managed to break out as well, and sprinted off into the night.
Moonshine operation shutdown following wild drunken rant
By Emeline Vickroy
A woman found herself in a tough situation this week after she reported a horse in her basement saloon. The report was made at the Saint Denis Police Station. The woman said she was throwing a party in her, “legitimate private saloon” when a patron managed to get a horse into the basement bar. The woman said she shouted at others to get the horse out until eventually the people all left. “She said the horse was still in her saloon, staring and neighing,” a policeman said, “she was of course as drunk as anyone I have ever seen but the story was so bizarre we decided to investigate.” Unfortunately for the woman, a revenue agent who had been in the Saint Denis Police Station for another matter overheard the complaint and decided to tag along when he heard of the private saloon. “I’ve seen many moonshiners who reach a certain level of success open up their own saloons in basements,” said the revenuer, “so I figured this might be such a case.”
The agents instinct was correct. When they arrived, they found no horse or any evidence that a horse had ever been in the basement at all. There were no people but there was plenty of alcohol and a still with actively fermenting alcohol. The woman was arrested by the agent and is held in a Saint Denis jail cell. Revenuers arrived at the location of the still to collect evidence and then tore the still down. When the woman woke up, she had no memory of the event.
Cowpokes get prototype pistol early
By Lucien Privitt
A peculiar breach in protocol has left arms manufacturer Peeters & Janssens reeling, after a cunning resident of the Five States successfully tricked one of their representatives into shipping them a prototype m1899 pistol. The sidearm, not yet finalized for public release and still undergoing trials, had been named for the year it was intended to debut. Word of the blunder spread quickly, and with the pistol in circulation months ahead of schedule, the incident sparked great interest among collectors, gunsmiths, and opportunists alike. The unlucky representative who sent out the weapon was promptly dismissed from his post.
What might have remained an isolated mistake grew into a larger scandal when investigators uncovered that the same ploy had worked on several other company men. At least half a dozen of the pistols, each one carefully numbered and marked as experimental, are now in private hands scattered across the Five States. This premature distribution has set off rumors of a small fortune to be had for anyone lucky enough to acquire one, while lawmen fear the advanced sidearms could embolden criminals who come to possess them. The pistols, described as lighter, quicker to draw, and smoother to fire than the company’s earlier models, already carry an air of legend about them.
Peeters & Janssens, eager to contain the embarrassment, have announced an internal review to determine how such trickery was possible. Company officials stated that new safeguards will be introduced to prevent future mishaps, and that efforts are underway to track down and reclaim the pistols already released. Yet the task may prove daunting—those who now hold the prototypes are unlikely to surrender them willingly, especially given the prestige attached to owning a weapon not yet made available to the public. Whether the company can reel its prized invention back under its control, or whether the m1899 will remain in the hands of rogues and opportunists, remains to be seen.
The Five States Herald 