Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Frigate Bought, and Lost!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
After sitting in dry dock for far too long, someone has purchased Mr. Tueling’s questionable frigate from another era. Just as preposterous was its existence, its fate is just as preposterous.
The ill-fated buyer was one Alexandria Wolff of Bristol, England, a wealthy heiress who has claimed to be related to the monarchy, and of an Indian Ocean pirate named Anne Wolff. Neither claim could be checked, and it’s unclear if this Wolff pirate is even real. Regardless, this lady had the money to buy the frigate, and she did so. She intended to sail it back to England and make a floating museum of some sort. After purchasing the frigate, reportedly for 5,000 dollars, Ms. Wolff set sail on the Lannahechee River. The crew was made up of Saint-Denis sailors who were primarily morbidly curious to see what sailing on an old ship would be like. The frigate only made it a mile or so south when it began to spring a leak, the captain was forced to beach the vessel. No lives were lost, although the ship quickly crumpled and fell apart, likely unsalvageable.
Mr. Tueling could not be located at the Bastille Saloon or anywhere in Saint-Denis, likely having fled. Authorities are on the lookout for him, as sabotage is just as likely an answer to this incident as faulty construction. So ends the saga of the frigate, as illustriously bizarre as it began.
Trio of outlaws attack Tumbleweed
By Jose Chavez
An attack on Tumbleweed occurred this week. The attack started in the town saloon. A cowpoke was enjoying a relaxing beer when he was attacked. Witnesses say the sitting cowpoke quickly got up and started fighting back. However, two others in safari hats joined the fray. The three then continue to beat the cowpoke until they were knocked out. Witnesses say that the three then turned their attack outward, physically assaulting several others on their way out of the saloon. Deputies got involved and and the trio pulled out guns and started shooting wildly. They made their escape on horseback, heading north out of the town. The only death was the first attack victim, who was not just knocked out but killed after taken several hits to the head. The attackers remain at at large and unidentified.
Avalanche Buries Miners
By Jane Duran
A sudden avalanche roared down the western slope near Lake Isabella this past Thursday, burying the entrance to a small silver mine and trapping four prospectors inside. The men, known locally for working the claim through winter despite repeated warnings, had been seen hauling supplies up the trail only hours before the collapse. Rescue attempts have been slow due to deep snow and shifting ice, with only muffled sounds heard from beneath the packed drifts. Locals say the men may have survived if they had heeded advice to keep a second exit clear—though in Ambarino’s mountains, nature often proves less forgiving than greed.
Attack in Blackwater leaves several injuries but no deaths thanks to Good Samaritan
By Odell Clifton
An unidentified gang entered Blackwater firing rifles and handguns at anyone that moved. Town police were forced to hunker down and townsfolk fled into buildings. Several people were shot in the early moments of the attack. Witnesses say the victims were still alive, just bleeding out on the street. A Good Smaritan, however, saved the day. The stranger drank something from a glass bottle then ran into action, reviving the victims and helping them to safety. Witnesses say the stranger seemed to be a blur as they moved and the outlaws could not seem to land a shot on them. “I was shocked, figured they’d die pretty quickly for attempting such a foolish thing!” a witness said, “there was no cover, but those fellers couldn’t shoot ’em!”
As the injured townsfolk got to cover, the Blackwater Police decided to do something. With a few whistle blows, the policemen exited cover and fired on the outlaws, driving them back. Several injuries had to be treated but thanks to the quick and impossible actions of a stranger, nobody died.
Mysterious Gathering in New Hanover
By Emery Cosberry
A ragged procession wound its way into town this past Sunday, led by the familiar figure of Gregoria Haskins, self-styled Avatar of the Respawners. The group, numbering just over two dozen, had arrived on foot from somewhere west of Cumberland Falls. Each carried a small wooden effigy bound in twine, and each claimed to have “already died once this week.”
Witnesses at the train station said the Respawners moved without haste, humming a slow, tuneless chant. They avoided the saloon, instead making camp by the river’s edge, where Haskins addressed curious locals. “We are here to remember the moments between lives,” she told the gathered crowd, “for those moments are the truest ones you will ever know.” When asked if the group intended any dangerous acts, Haskins smiled and said, “Only to meet the water again.”
By Monday morning, their campsite was deserted. In its place were twenty-three effigies lodged in the riverbank, facing downstream. A fisherman swore he saw the group crossing the Dakota River in single file, disappearing into the mist before reaching the opposite shore. As of press time, no one has reported their return, though Haskins herself was spotted in Valentine’s general store late Tuesday, purchasing matches and dried peaches. When questioned, she claimed not to recall speaking to the Herald earlier in the week.
Etta Doyle arrested, maybe
By Emeline Vickroy
A woman a bounty hunter is claiming to be Etta Doyle was arrested. She had the appropriate scar but authorities have found Doyle to be remarkably slippery. In fact, it is likely that Doyle has never been in police custody at all. She has amassed a following of women who are so loyal to her, they have begun scarring their face to look like Etta Doyle. It may seem foolish but it has worked. Authorities have reported bounty hunters bringing Etta Doyle into custody only to find out it was not the real Etta Doyle. This week a woman was brought to the Saint Denis Police Station. The bounty hunter assured authorities it was in face Etta Doyle. “Etta’s goons can’t take much of a beating, you see,” the bounty hunter explained before punching the captured woman, “but the real Etta, she can take a beating.”
The woman being turned in had in fact been beaten horribly. A scar was indeed visible, but under several bruises and lacerations. Saint Denis police took custody of the woman but had to immediately seek medical help. An attorney representing the woman demanded better medical help than could be provided at Saint Denis prison. She was transferred to the Saint Denis doctor where two policemen stand guard at all times.
Congress considering ban on “barbaric” bounty hunting tool
By Ivy Seager
After a recent effort to outlaw bounty hunting across the nation failed in the House before the bill could even be considered, lawmakers in Washington have shifted their sights to one of the profession’s most controversial tools—the bolas. A new bill introduced in the Senate this week seeks to make the use of bolas on human targets a criminal offense, punishable by fines and imprisonment. Supporters of the measure argue that the weapon, traditionally used for roping livestock, is inhumane when applied to people, citing numerous injuries ranging from broken bones to strangulation. Senator Albert W. Pritchard of New York called bolas “a barbaric throwback unfit for a civilized nation and a gross violation of people’s rights.” The bill emerged after several lawsuits from innocent individuals who were mistaken for legitimate bounties were injured when they found themselves wrapped up in a bolas. “I was just fishing when a man came charge at me on their horse so I ran,” one man said, “and then I felt it wrap around me and I couldn’t move, I thought I was going to drown.” They suffered several injuries as they were swept down the river, including a broken rib.
The bounty hunting community has pushed back strongly, claiming the ban would make apprehending fugitives far more dangerous and costly. Several prominent bounty hunters testified before a committee, describing bolas as a non-lethal alternative to firearms, particularly useful in crowded streets or rugged terrain. “Take away our bolas, and you’ll see a lot more dead outlaws,” said one veteran hunter from West Elizabeth, “and those innocent folks who mistakenly wrapped up in bolas would be mistakenly killed.” The bill is expected to face heavy debate, with some observers predicting a compromise that restricts, rather than fully bans, the use of bolas on humans.
The Five States Herald 