Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Frigate for Sale???
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
Wander around Saint-Denis, a lot of things can be bought and sold for a price. Everything from guns to clothing to exotic pelts and clothing. Also available for sale, a fully functional frigate from the age of fighting sail…somehow.
This peculiar creation appeared about a month ago, dry-docked as if it were a normal trading ship. The owner, an eccentric man claiming to be from New York named Tueling, says the vessel was owned by a great-grandfather and was built sometime in the 18th century, for what purpose none can figure. Mr. Tueling is fairly old and says he can no longer sail the ship effectively, so he wants to sell it to the highest bidder. He further claims it’s perfectly safe to sail and go up the many rivers of the United States without much issue. He is often at the Bastille Saloon on most days, inquiring about a buyer.
Unsurprisingly, there have been very few takers, nobody has use for such a relic piece, historians aren’t known for deep pockets, and many more either do not trust that Mr. Tueling is who he claims to be, or that the ship is safe. I looked into this matter personally, I couldn’t find anyone matching his name, description, or wealth in New York. I too, am highly suspicious, but yet that ship continues to sit in port, day after day, a token of a truly bygone era.
Can you survive a fall down Manteca Falls?
By Jose Chavez
A man, who was likely drunk, pondered a curious question: can you survive a fall down Manteca Falls? He began asking everyone in Tumbleweed if they had ever made the jump and survived. “I never thought to try such a foolish thing,” one cowpoke said. Another mentioned they had not done it, but they watched a boat get destroyed. “I was on a rowboat and jumped off before it reached the edge,” a cowpoke said, “I swam to safety and watched the rowboat fall and it shattered into pieces, not sure how a man survives that.”
One person, also likely drunk, said they did survive. “I survived a jump down Manteca Falls, in a fashion,” said one man, “I blacked out on the way down but woke up on ground, so I survived because I surely didn’t wake up in heaven.” Several arguments were had about the length of the fall and what one could do to survive it. “I imagine if you tuck at the right time, you’d be fine,” said one person. “You could try waving and kicking furiously,” said another, “you know, to kind of swim upwards, to at least slow down the fall.” The general consensus is that survival is unlikely.
US Senator resigns from office
By Jane Duran
Senator Roscoe Brody has said that he will step down from his position as an elected senator of Ambarino. Senator Brody championed a project to revitalize Colter, Ambarino to turn the abandoned mining town into a tourist attraction. Excitement for the project was high until it was found out that Senator Brody was playing favorites. Investors close to Senator Brody received better returns for their investments though their investments were much lower than other partners. The program lost support and ended before it ever even came to vote in Congress.
Senator Brody has maintained his innocent, claiming he did nothing wrong. An investigation was opened to look into the claims. Senator Brody announced days after the investigation was launched that he was stepping down. He will leave the Senate at the end of this month and his open seat will be filled by the Ambarino governor. The Senate’s investigation will no longer be carried out with Brody leaving the legislative body.
Woman is accosted, a man learns a fatal lesson
By Odell Clifton
This week several witnesses reported a woman being attacked by a man “dressed in rags.” One of those witnesses was well known collector of the obscure, Madam Nazar. “I don’t care about my clients’ disputes,” Madam Nazar said, “but this man deserved what came to him.” According to Madam Nazar, the woman had finished business with her and was leaving when the man showed. The man pulled the woman off of her horse and then started running around aimlessly. “Incredible patience that woman had,” Madam Nazar explained, “her restraint was greater than anything I could muster, until he found her limit.” That limit as it turns out, was having a gun pointed at her. The man pulled out a revolver that was described as rusty but before he could, the woman pulled out a firearm in each hand and killed him dead.
A witness driving a wagon passed the altercation stopped and offered help. “That fella wasn’t quite dead but he was on his way,” the witness said, “gasping and rasping, in those moments he learned a valuable lesson, just a bit too late to improve his character.” The killed was reported and based on the multiple witness statements, nobody was arrested.
Keane’s Saloon shootout shows Smithfield’s does not get all of the action
By Donna Deshner
A woman was attacked by two thugs, whose intentions were unclear. The bartender said the woman had just picked something up when the two men entered the saloon. One of the outlaws raised a shotgun and fired at the woman. Surprisingly, he missed. The woman wasted no time and threw several punches at the man. The attacker managed grab his shotgun again and fired, but this time not only did he miss the woman at point blank range but he shot his friend, who had been approaching the woman from behind. The woman managed several punches to the man’s lower back before he fought her off, only to be strangled. The man passed out and the woman left.
The surviving attacker was arrested and placed in jail. He was charged with attempted murder and murder. His dead partner was road out of town to be delivered to a pauper’s grave.
Baker Brother arrested!
By Aloysius Levron
Last week we reported on a daring prisoner break, when a group identified as pirates attacked a prison ship. Witnesses reported that the ship appeared to be controlled by a motley crew that watched several ships go by before choosing its target. This is what led to the original claim of piracy. “These outlaws were not engaged in piracy as most people understand it, as they were not looking to rob anybody,” said an investigator, “but they did commit violence on a river connected to the ocean and did rob the state of its prisoners.”
The Baker Brothers, the three men who were broken out, were arrested for multiple crimes including murder. One of the brothers was arrested in Lemoyne while attempting to buy rifles with counterfeit money. Lemoyne police responded quickly and arrested him without issue. He is being held in an undisclosed location as lawmen attempt to learn the location of two brothers that remain at large.
Increase in hand injuries across the Five States
By Adam Parvey
The few doctors that work across the Five States have acknowledged an increase in hand injuries in the region. The increase in hand injuries is not the only thing doctors are curious about, but also about the types of injuries. “We see lot’s of farm hands with rob burns, or jammed fingers and the like,” said one doctor, “but these injuries look like folks are punching rocks.” So what is going on? The mechanical take over of the Five States, say some. “Have you not seen the robots attacking?” said one patient, “these robots have assaulted folks and need to be put down.” While most are content with shooting the mechanical men, some have decided fisticuffs is the appropriate response.
“Look, any fella can shoot an enemy and get lucky, it takes a real warrior to beat the enemy with fists,” said one cowpoke, “mechanical or not, I’m a real warrior.” The injuries that doctors are seeing range in severity from cuts and bruises to broken fingers. Doctors advise not punching the robots. “These robots or mechanical men are made of very hard material with no give,” said a doctor, “punching them is just foolish and likely to lead to an injury.” It was explained that such an injury can leave a cowpoke unable to use their hand for weeks but could also result in an infection that leads to death.
The Five States Herald 