Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Man rises from hell?
By Adam Parvey
Several witnesses have reported something quite bizarre: a man on fire. “This many, he was smoking, and I don’t mean a cigar,” one witnesses said, “their body was smoking like they were on fire.” Other witnesses clarified that there were no actual flames. “On fire seemed fairly true, but on closer look their body was just smoking,” another witness said, “maybe like they were on fire inside their body.” The smoking man seemed to be unbothered by it all. “He came in and made a few purchases,” said a shop owner, “and while I found it odd he seemed fine.” A doctor even examined the man and said, “aside from the stranger smoking body, he seemed healthy otherwise.”
Eventually federal investigators got involved, with witnesses saying federal agents were asking several questions about the smoking man. “They asked about his smoking body, if it was warm around him, his name,” one witness said, “where he may have went but I didn’t know his name or his whereabouts.” Federal agents did not explain their interest in the man. Clearly the smoking body is what interests the government, but it is not clear if they find him dangerous. No warnings were issued about the smoking man and no reports indicate where he may have gone. Religious folks have issued a firm warning, believing the man to be from hell. “He ain’t the devil himself, who is too savvy and clever to be noticed,” said a preacher, “but perhaps the man is from hell, an escaped soul, or even a demon, either way, you should stay away.”
Outlaw dies in custody of bounty hunter
By Jose Chavez
Bounty hunting is viewed as controversial job. Many say that bounty hunters violet the rights of outlaws and are not subject to sufficient oversight, allowing bounty hunters to legally steal by saying they were just working the case. This week, an outlaw died while a bounty hunter drank. The bounty hunter secured the outlaw and dumped him against the wall of the Tumbleweed Prison. Witnesses say the bounty hunter took a photograph then looked at their pocket watch and said, “I still got some time,” before walking into the saloon. The outlaw was left in the hot sun, hogtied. When the bounty hunter returned, the outlaw was dead. The incident would probably have gone unnoticed if not for a witness who reported it. No law was broken, investigators say, but they will examine the case and others to determine if rule changes should be recommended to Congress.
Naturalists urge prohibition of taking bird eggs
By Jane Duran
Naturalists are sounding the alarm regarding bird eggs. “For years, people have been poaching bird eggs as part of their collecting hobby,” said a naturalist, “and the problem is we are starting to see a decline in bird populations.” Most birds do not offer much meat, particularly wild ones, and so naturalists say there is not much reason to hunt them. Eggs can be eaten, naturalists say that when eggs are taken new generations of birds are diminished. “Each generation has fewer birds reaching adulthood due to predation and loss of habitat,” one naturalist said, “the taking of eggs has made this worse, and within a generation or two, some birds may be completely extinct!” Ambarino is one state that has seen many wild bird eggs taken. At this moment, there is no legislation in Congress or in the Ambarino state legislature to prohibit the taking of wild bird eggs.
Tornado hits Tall Trees
By Odell Clifton
A tornado touchdown in Tall Trees, shocking a trader. The trader was on a delivery when the tornado appeared out of nowhere. The tornado was short and violent, powerful enough to send the trader’s wagon flying several feet into the air. The trader and another traveler were also tossed into the air but survived. Surprisingly, the horse pulling the wagon survived as well, the wagon itself was damaged and the goods spread out across the forest. The tornado did not last as there was no other damage or incidents reported. One of the survivors wondered if it was a targeted tornado, which was dismissed as it is impossible to control the weather. Though some think that it should not be dismissed so quickly, believing in powerful old magic.
Cowpoke beaten and kicked out of Smithfield’s Saloon
By Emery Cosberry
Saloon brawls in Valentine are quite common, but this one stood out as unique. An unidentified cowpoke walked into Smithfield’s and starting yelling at patrons. “they said we should all just leave, that we are are living in a dead world,” one witness said, “they said the Five States have been abandoned and we are foolish to stick around.” Most patrons ignored the cowpoke and kept drinking, eating, dancing, or playing poker. However, others pointed out that the cowpoke themselves was still in the Five States, wasting their own time. As the cowpoke drank however, they got increasingly belligerent and started insulting patrons. “They called a few tough folks idiots and dummies,” the bartender said, “then once I cut them off, they just got worse.”
A couple of patrons had enough and together, started to push the cowpoke out of the saloon. However, they got violent and pushed back and a fight started. The brawl did not break out across the entire place, but instead was focused on the belligerent cowpoke. Several patrons started to punch and kick the cowpoke and eventually through them out of the saloon. The cowpoke slept in the dirt all night long and was unable to remember how they ended up on the road.
Escape on the Lannehechee!
By Aloysius Levron
The rise in piracy on the Lannehechee River has been documented in the past and unfortunately it continues to be a problem. Several merchants have been thwarted by pirates in recent months, resulting in higher costs goods on the markets. “I either lose a shipment and have to raise prices to cover the loss, or hire extra security,” one merchant said, “but hiring merchants still requires raising prices.” The state governments that border the river have made only half hearted commitments to the issue. Neither New Hanover nor Lemoyne appear eager to spend money that may end up helping the other state more than their own. The federal government, however, has agreed to step in.
This week pirates assaulted a prison ship that was transporting three prisoners. Investigators initially believed the attack to be random, as the investigators believed the attack was the result of mistaken identity. The explanation was that the pirates saw the ship and thought it was a merchant ship and only realized their error when it was too late to reverse course. However, the investigation quickly revealed this to be a targeted attack. Witnesses said the pirates appeared to be fishing as it drifted toward a collision path with the prison ship. “I heard shouting, look like the guards were warning them,” said the witness, “then I heard the shot and the guard went down, and I turned toward Annesburg to contact authorities.” The prison ship was found after it wrecked into the shore of the island that hosts Sisika Penitentiary. The guards were all dead and the three prisoners were gone. The escaped prisoners, the Baker Brothers, are now at large. They are wanted for fraud, murder, and theft. They are considered dangerous.
California Professor Swindled by Businessmen!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
Academics are gregarious sorts; they enjoy talking and assisting all who ask, within reason. Unfortunately, not everyone asks in good faith, as one esteemed academic from the West Coast found out today.
Professor J. Molenaar is a renowned professor of 18th-century history, with a particular focus on maritime history. She is widely cited and respected, even among those who deem women the weaker sex. Molenaar claims that several wealthy investors from New York came to her months ago, asking for information about the history of piracy in the Carolinas, which overlapped with her research. She was told it was for an academic project involving the slave trade and piracy. When the businessmen asked her to sign a contract endorsing the project, she readily agreed.
For months, Molenaar heard nothing; she thought they had wasted her time or abandoned the project. This morning, it was reported that several businessmen had begun digging in the Carolina swamps in search of buried treasure and had even found an outpost once owned by a pirate. An outpost that is owned by a local fur trader incensed that someone wants to dig on his property.
Molenaar is reportedly furious; the businessmen had lied, and now her name is associated with a poorly created lie that will waste time and money in the state of South Carolina. If only those seeking knowledge did it for purely good reasons, alas, that is not the human race.
The Five States Herald 