Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Barry Visits Industry!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
This morning, in front of property owned by Leviticus Cornwall, a unique visitor gave an impromptu speech. She spoke with a sharp Irish accent and stood at a relatively low height. In her day, she was an influential woman known near and far, but that was the past; she hadn’t worked in years, and her organization no longer exists. She spoke confidently and proudly without any speech notes.
Her name is Lenora Barry, an Irish woman who once served as a key official in the Knights of Labor, a once-mighty organization approximately 20 years ago. She used to sneak into factories and document the abuse given to female workers; her words were shared in newspapers from coast to coast. Unfortunately, she was expelled from the Knights of Labor due to political infighting, and the organization effectively died in 1890; yet, she continues to carry on.
She accused Cornwall of underpaying and undervaluing its workers, and for not even bothering to hire any women. She thinks the cruelty she witnessed has changed little since the Reconstruction years. She left not long after armed guards came out, but she had said her piece already. Even a fading star, still casts a shining light.
Friday the 13th Brings Misfortune to One Unlucky Soul in New Austin
By Jose Chavez
Locals say bad luck comes in threes, but one poor ranch hand by the name of Otis Granger managed to rack up at least six strokes of misfortune before sundown this past Friday the 13th. Mr. Granger, who had taken the day off to “clear his head,” began his ill-fated morning by tripping over a jackrabbit and landing backside-first in a patch of prickly pear. The doctor removed fourteen spines and “an unreasonable amount of his pride.”
Later attempts at relaxation fared no better. While fishing at Lake Don Julio, Mr. Granger leaned too far over the edge of a rock and pitched headfirst into the water, startling a nearby skunk and losing both his rod and hat. After drying out by the fire, his luck soured yet again when his revolver misfired during target practice, causing him to drop the weapon into a fresh cow pie. “I should’ve stayed in bed,” Mr. Granger muttered, wrapped in a blanket and sipping whiskey at the Tumbleweed saloon that evening. Bartenders have since declared Friday the 13th “Otis Day,” promising half-priced drinks — and a warning to all who think luck cannot get worse.
Woman found dead near Donner Falls
By Jane Duran
A fisherman was shocked to find a dead body at the bottom of Donner Falls this week. He said that he fishes at the spot often because it most folks do not come around this area much. “It’s a rather quiet spot to fish most of the time,” the fisherman said, “but I can hear the train go by, kind of like a clock to keep from losing track of time.” The fisherman said that he had just cast his line and realized it had gotten caught on something floating in the water. He reeled his line in and nearly passed out when he saw the dead body. “I don’t see dead folks much, outside of funerals,” they said, “so I was pretty shocked.” He rode to the nearest town, Valentine and reported his findings. The deceased was a woman with long blonde hair. The doctor in Valentine said that there were several points of blunt force contact. “This woman was either beat up bad and then tossed in the water, or she fell off a cliff above,” the doctor said, “or maybe she was pushed.”
Ambarino Rangers investigated the area and identified a few locations she could have fallen from. One location did show several tracks, including deer, but only one set of tracks belonging to a human. The investigation is ongoing.
Cups and Chaos: Coffee Contest Goes Sideways in Blackwater
By Odell Clifton
What was meant to be a lighthearted coffee drinking contest at the Blackwater General Store took a turn for the absurd yesterday when one contestant, a wiry farmhand named Milton Fobbs, drank sixteen cups in under ten minutes — and promptly lost all sense of reason. Witnesses say Mr. Fobbs began vibrating in place before sprinting out the door, yelling something about “outrunning time itself.”
What followed was a two-hour, town-wide episode of frenzied activity. Mr. Fobbs was seen reorganizing crates behind the post office, sweeping the entirety of Main Street with a barn broom, and attempting to teach a stray dog how to fish using only hand gestures. He reportedly wrote a forty-line poem about the fence posts of his neighbor’s yard No damage was done, and deputies simply followed at a safe distance until Fobbs collapsed in a heap beside the telegraph station, mumbling something about “bean-fueled enlightenment.”
Doctors say he’ll be just fine after some rest and water — and perhaps fewer cups next time. Meanwhile, the general store has added a five-cup limit to future contests.
Emerald Ranch attacked with dynamite arrows
By Donna Deshner
Several injuries were reported this week when Emerald Ranch came under a surprise assault. Ranch hands say that night had already fallen and they were done working for the day. While relaxing after a long day of work, one noticed something glowing in the sky and moving at a fast speed. “I thought it was a star at first, the ones that fly across the sky,” one witness said, “but it was too fast and getting closer.” When it landed the ranch hands realized what it was, an arrow with a stick of dynamite attached. They took cover as it exploded only for another dynamite arrow to land on the other side of the ranch. “We had already brought the cattle in, so we were most concerned about fires,” one ranch hand said, explaining that they began gathering buckets in case a fire started. Several witnesses tracked the arrows flight path and a telegraph was sent to Valentine to report the attack.
By the time authorities arrived the attacker was gone. Several witnesses reported seeing someone in the distance but they never got close enough to see their face. No deaths were reported, but there were a few injuries, and a significant amount of property damage.
Man arrested for “witchcraft” in Rhodes
By Emeline Vickroy
While bizarre stories are often reported in the Five States, it is not every day one is accused and indeed, arrested for, witchcraft. Franklin Bell, a resident of Rhodes finds himself locked in a town jail cell at present. Witnesses say that Mr. Bell appeared “out of nowhere” and through supernatural means, sent a wagon, complete with its horse and rider, 100 feet into the air. “I was standing outside the general store, as I often do, when Franklin just kind of appeared,” one witness said, “one second he wasn’t there, then he was, and that wagon was sent flying.” Mr. Bell claims that he was always there and had just been riding behind the wagon. Several witnesses however refute Mr. Bell’s claim, with their own testimony aligning with the quoted witness. Mr. Bell did not resist his arrest, going with deputies peacefully though he insisted he did nothing wrong.
There is no law that specifically designates witchcraft as illegal, but deputies say the arrest is justified. “Whatever means he used to harm someone is not relevant, what is relevant is he caused harm,” a deputy said. Though the wagon was destroyed, there were no serious injuries. The wagon owner walked away with a few scratches. The horse also survived with no serious injuries but landed on top of a roof. It took townsfolk several hours to get the horse safely off of the roof.
Largest moonshine crackdown in history conducted this week
By Adam Parvey
In a sweeping effort that spanned several states, stretching from the swamps of Lemoyne to the deserts of New Austin, agents with the Bureau of Internal Revenue carried out a series of coordinated raids this week, targeting illegal moonshine operations and the growing network of bootleggers who distribute the contraband spirits. Authorities report the destruction of at least five active stills and the arrest of more than two dozen individuals connected to the black market liquor trade.
In the forests near Emerald Ranch, agents uncovered a large moonshine operation hidden beneath an abandoned cabin. Meanwhile, in the Bayou Nwa, a swamp boat laden with barrels of high-proof “gator gut-burner” was seized after a brief chase through the reeds. Two bootleggers attempted to flee into the marsh but were apprehended by agents disguised as hunters.
The crackdown did not stop at producers and smugglers. Buyers, including two saloon proprietors in New Austin and a banker’s nephew in Blackwater, were arrested for knowingly purchasing unlicensed liquor. “They think if it’s in a bottle, it’s safe,” said Revenue Agent Harlan Boyd. “But what we’re seeing is alcohol strong enough to strip varnish, and folks serving it up in teacups to dodge suspicion.” In both cases, the bartenders deny knowing the alcohol was illegal.
The Bureau has vowed to continue its efforts, citing growing concerns about the safety of homemade spirits and the loss of taxable revenue. While many locals continue to view moonshining as a time-honored tradition the message from Washington is clear: the days of “quiet sippin’ in the woods” may be coming to an end. Still, as one anonymous buyer in Valentine put it, “So long as there’s cold nights and no lawman in sight, someone’s gonna keep the fire burnin’.”
The Five States Herald 