Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Trade War Inevitable!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead correspondent
War never ceases, even when the guns fall silent. That is the news of the day, after a fairly unsuccessful diplomatic meeting between President Alfred MacAlister and King Alfonso of Spain. It was merely intended to resolve some economic worries since the end of the war with Spain; instead it spiraled into an argument, with the 12-year-old king throwing many harsh insults towards the United States.
As a result, MacAlister plans to ask Congress to implement a series of severe tariffs on Spanish imports, Congress has signaled it is likely to comply. Spain has responded that it will retaliate with tariffs of its own.
The farmers of the Five States may not know the intricate details of politics in Europe or Washington, but they doubtlessly will feel the pinch of rising goods at the local general store. Trade wars have fewer winners than actual wars, only pain and sorrow will likely come of such a conflict. Some citizens of the Five States may lose their jobs or no longer afford basic goods. I can only hope this conflict lasts even shorter than the actual war, and that the tomfoolery of those who claim to rule by divine right, learn that crowns and medals are meaningless in the face of the almighty dollar and the hungry citizens.
Armadillo on fire!
By Jose Chavez
Armadillo has the worst luck any town has ever had. Plagued by, well, plagues, for over a decade, the town still stands but just barely. If it was not for the train stopping at Armadillo, it is likely the town would have been forgotten and left for dead. But, the train runs regularly and folks still visit and supplies still come in. This week, the luck of Armadillo got even lower. The town was set ablaze by a man at least one witness identified as a member of the infamous Van der Linde gang. Pinkertons arrived in town after being noted of the sighting. “It may have been a lower level member,” said a Pinkerton agent, “it was definitely not a boss.” With nothing further to investigate, the Pinkertons left the dying town. A work crew arrived the next morning to rebuild what was destroyed by the flames.
Executioners identified
By Jane Duran
Earl Meeks and and Willa Hirsch have been identified as those arrested in connection with the Executioner murders. Special Agent Rice Philips held a press conference where he announced the findings of his investigation. “Mr. Earl Meeks and Mrs. Willa Hirsch have operated as the serial killer know as the Executioner, which we now know as the Executioners,” Agent Philips said, “working together, the pair was able to stay ahead of his longer than I would have liked.” When asked about former Emmaline Haven, who was previously believed to be the Executioner, Agent Philips was apologetic. “I regret the way Mrs. Haven was treated and I apologize for my role in it,” Agent Philips explained, “I will not apologize for my attempt to keep the public safe, however.” Agent Philips detailed some of the evidence that led to the Mr. Meeks’ and Mrs. Hirsch’s arrest. Both had partners who were unfaithful, leading to divorce. And more damning, one or both of them have been linked to a majority of the known victims. The case is still being built and is not expected for some months.
Poor would be gunslinger seriously injured
By Odell Clifton
According to witnesses, a cowpoke nobody had ever seen before walked into Blackwater waving his gun around. “This fellow must have been wearing hand me downs and his gun looked in poor condition,” a witness said, “but he kept pointing his gun at people wildly.” Most people seemed to have treated the man as harmless. Another traveler, however, did not agree. “That damn fool finally pointed his gun at the wrong person,” a witness said, “as a traveler pulled out a shotgun in retaliation and fired on the man with incendiary rounds.” The man went down instantly and screamed in agony and pain. “We didn’t make an arrest because, tragic as it was, the man brought it upon himself,” a Blackwater policeman said. The man did not die, but did suffer significant burns. He was treated in town and then transferred to facility that specializes in burns.
Man shot in front of lawman, no action taken
By Adam Parvey
In a strange story, lawmen opted to not arrest a murderer after witnessing the killing take place. The victim is an unidentified male, who had been rhyming and dancing for passersby. The man had a black hat and a long black coat and pants that were described as “wore out in the strangest places, like he damaged the pants himself!” Though many ignored him and a few even mocked him, one particular passerby seemed to have not been very pleased with the stranger’s performance. “I watched this cowpoke silently walk up and shoot that feller right in the chest,” a witness said, “a lawman was nearby and I figured it was ’bout to breakdown, but the lawmen just laughed it off and rode away.” The lawman was not identified nor could their presence at the scene be confirmed. Either way, the rhyming and dancing cowboy was left dead on the ground. “I didn’t want to get anywhere near that weird fellow’s body, least I become as dumb as he was,” a witness said, “besides, scavengers need food too.”
Dentist decides to not locate business in Valentine
By Emery Cosberry
Dentistry is an emerging but somewhat barbaric medical industry. Though dentists say their services improve lives, most people just seem them as tooth removers. “I can remove my tooth if I needed too all on my own,” said one person I spoke to, “why would I need to pay some fancy fellow to do it for me?” And this is what has made dentistry a slow growing field. Many people just do not see the purpose of paying someone to remove a tooth, nor do they see the point in lead or silver dental fillings. A dentist visited Valentine this week looking to open up a dentistry office. However, by the end of the week they decided it was not a good idea.
“I wanted to bring dentistry to this wild land, my part in taming it, you see,” the dentist said, “but folks seem to not care much here and, if I am honest, it is quite violent!” The lack of willing customers and the risk of being shot nearly daily was enough for the dentist to pack his stuff back up and get on the next train out of town. Valentine residents do not see this as a major loss.
Man wanted for “hit and ride”
By Emeline Vickroy
It seems a new kind of crime is starting to occur in developing cities: the hit and ride. Saint Denis seems to be the home of most of these types of crimes in the Five States. These crimes occur when someone driving a horse pulled wagon collides with someone on foot, or occasionally on a horse. Instead of stopping to see if the person they hit is okay, they just keep riding onward as if the collision never happened. One recent collision saw a woman and her horse injured. “That woman was just sitting on her horse when the wagon hit her,” a witness said, “horse went down instantly but the poor woman fell onto the man’s wagon, and then off and underneath a wagon wheel!” The woman was ran over as the man continued driving his wagon forward.
Witnesses were shocked when the woman stood up, apparently barely hurt. She eyed the man as he rode away but opted to check on her horse as well. The horse got up and seemed okay. She gave the horse an injection and then fed it something before riding away. The man who hit the woman and her horse remains unidentified though police are seeking information that will lead to his arrest.
Posse leader confused why new member do not know the posse’s name
By Lucien Privitt
A bounty hunter was tired of working alone. They wanted to go after bigger bounties but wanted a posse of bounty hunters to do it with. They went about taking out an ad in a local paper to recruit people. “I wanted to find a few folks who are likeminded,” they explained, “who wanted to spend the days hunting bounties and nights enjoying the fruits of our labor.” The printer charged by the letter, however, which limited the bounty hunter’s ambition. To save money, they kept the ad short: “Help Wanted: Join the Bounty Hounds,” along with contact information. They were surprised by the responses.
“Plenty of folks were interested, but they were shocked when I took a bounty for a six person gang.” the bounty hunter said, “three fellas had joined and all were surprised but one was willing to stick around, two left!” The surprised folks explained that they must have misread the ad. “I didn’t mind bounty hunting, I guess I’m good enough with a gun,” said the one that stuck around, “but I swore the ad just said ‘join posse’ and figured doing stuff with others was better than doing stuff alone.” It seems a printing error resulted in the name “Bounty Hounds” not being printed and in its place the word ‘posse.’ It is unclear how the error occurred but the bounty hunter did not receive a refund.
The Five States Herald 