Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Potato Digger Recovered by Army!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax – Lead Correspondent
The US military loves spending its money on new and impressive toys for future conflicts. Unfortunately, they sometimes go missing for clerical reasons, or in this case, outright theft.
It was reported two days ago that local soldiers that were in Saint-Denis managed to “misplace” a portable machine gun called the Potato Digger. Why it’s called this, is because the reloading mechanism is under the barrel, and if it’s too low to the ground, it will end up making a small but hard-to-miss hole. There are only a couple dozen of these weapons owned by the military, so losing one is not ideal.
It was found early this morning, held by a man named Matthew Davis, who claims he just wanted to keep one because it was, quote, “unique and interesting to show to friends.” Police suspect he planned on selling the weapon to local criminals or even overseas, but lack evidence at this time. He is currently under arrest for theft of government property.
Imagine if that was true, you stole a top-of-the-line rapid-fire gun, just to show it off to friends and family? Not even for self-defense? The healthy human mind just wonders on occasion at the clearly unhealthy human mind.
Etta Doyle captured?
By Jose Chavez
A bounty hunter casually rode into Tumbleweed this week on a prison wagon and parked near the town jail. “He didn’t have a care in the world,” said one deputy, “though I wasn’t too happy that he was wearing a mask.” The bounty hunter showed no threat and opened the back of the prison wagon and pulled a woman out. They announced they captured Etta Doyle and then shoved her into the jail. “We’ve heard the stories of Doyle’s associates being arrested in her place,” said Sheriff Sam Freeman, “this one has the scar, but, don’t mean its her so we will wait for positive confirmation.” A federal agent will be traveling to Tumbleweed this week to confirm the identity of the captured bounty. If confirmed, the agent will take possession of the outlaw and make good on the bounty payment. The bounty hunter in question chose not to remove their mask so they are said to be camping outside of the town waiting the agent’s ruling.
Suspect arrested in the Executioner case
By Jane Duran
Authorities have quietly announced that they made an arrest in the Executioner case. No press conference was held and no attention was drawn to the announcement. Investigators only announced the arrest after rumors of it began to appear in some daily papers across the region. The suspect has yet to be identified, as investigators do not want to bring attention to the case at this time nor do they want another suspect held up as a folk hero. “All we can say at this point is that we have been watching this person for awhile due to connections to victims,” the announcement read, “we have confirmed that the suspect was around multiple victims at the time they disappeared.” While they will try to keep the suspect’s identity a secret for as long as possible, it is only a matter of time before more information leaks.
Human-deer hybrid in Big Valley?
By Odell Clifton
A hunter in Strawberry searched far and wide for alcohol, saying that he needed to forget a monster he saw while hunting in Big Valley. “I was getting some water at the Little Creek River when I saw it,” they said, “two sets of antlers, one impossibly high.” The hunter said they stood up and aimed used their binoculars to get a better view. “It was on two legs, but had two great antlers protruding out of its head!” the hunter said, “and it was wrestling with a deer or something,” They described horrible sounds coming from the direction of the alleged human-deer hybrid. “I fled, I wanted nothing of that monster!” they said. They were unable to find any alcohol in the dry town, searching so loudly as they were. But they did file a report about the creature. Several hunters went to Big Valley to find the creature but were unable to find it. The search will continue.
Five States millionaires on the rise?
By Adam Parvey
For longer than most can remember, the economy of the Five States has been left to stagnate. With no investment from the powers that be, no new jobs or opportunities have come to the land time forgot, as some have referred to the Five States. Despite the lack of opportunity, several cowpokes have claimed to become millionaires. Cowpokes have achieved this remarkable accomplishment through a variety of means. Some were storied bounty hunters never resting. Many were hunters, targeting rare and common pelts alike and selling them. Still others refused to explain how they made their money, suggesting potential illegal means. There is little to do with that much money for most so many expect there to be more millionaires in the Five States as people continue to make and hoard money.
While that amount of money is mostly unheard of, none of these cowpokes are the first millionaires. That distinction belongs to John Jacob Astor, a German-born businessman. Mr. Astor moved to the United States after the Revolution, settling in New York. In New York Mr. Astor engaged in the fur trade, eventually making his first million dollars and becoming the world’s first millionaire. He was the richest man in the world at the time of his death in 1848, where he was worth 1% of the entire United State’s national product. It is hard to imagine a world with more than one millionaire, but time appears to be here. One may wonder what the future will look like.
Photographer leaves Valentine with a black eye
By Emery Cosberry
In a town with Valentine’s reputation, one should probably approach strangers with caution. A photographer learned that the hard way this week when they approached a man smoking and set up his camera. “I took a moment to set up and I guess, he didn’t notice,” the photographer said, “and then I aimed my camera and took the photograph but he started moving toward me, ruining it.” The stranger threw his cigarette on the ground, stamped it out, and then punched the photographer once in the face. The photographer fell to the ground and scrambled in the dirt, holding their arms up and begging for mercy. The attacker was about to destroy the camera, but a deputy stopped him. “I told ’em I’d overlook the punching, seeing as the photographer didn’t ask permission,” a deputy said, “but I wouldn’t overlook destruction of property.” The photographer apologized and fled with their camera.
Attempted abduction thwarted
By Emeline Vickroy
An abduction was attempted right in front of the Saint Denis Police Station this week. A man rode toward a woman and threw a lasso around her, pulling her off her horse. A witness yelled but no police officers responded until several gunshots were fired. Two police officers came out of the station to find the woman getting up and unwrapping the rope around her while another many with a smoking gun aimed at a second man, who was lying dead on the floor. The armed man offered no resistance and explained the situation. “I came riding in a bit after my sister,” he said, “and I saw that creep lasso her and I wasn’t waiting to see what his intentions were.” The witness who screamed confirmed the shooter’s story and he was not arrested. The would be abductor’s body was taken to the back lot of the police station. The identity of the deceased remains unknown. The body will be sent to a potter’s field to be buried, where the would be abductor will be forgotten forever.
Man reaches 1000th level of train loyalty program
By Lucien Privitt
Trains provide a convenient, safe, and relatively fast way to travel across land. While some trains take you across the country, such as the famed Transcontinental Railroad, many travel comparatively shorter distances. In the Five States there are two great stretches of railroad. The first is in the northern area, connecting New Hanover, Lemoyne, and Ambarino. Three passenger train companies share the tracks, the Central Union Railroad Company, Cornwall’s Southern and Eastern Railway Company, and Pacific Union Railroad company, with the Lannahechee and Midland Railway Company operating freight trains. In the south, The Pacific Union Railroad company is joined by Southwestern Railroad Company operating in New Austin. Collectively, the companies offer a loyalty program to frequent riders. Though trains remain popular, many still prefer to take the slower but more scenic horseback route. Train companies have offered cars to transport horses as well as loyalty programs to encourage more local train ridership.
This week a resident of the Five States announced they earned up enough miles to reach level 1000 in the loyalty program. They achieved the accomplishment riding multiple trains. “Sometimes I slept, sometimes I checked out my mail-order catalogue,” they said, “sometimes I shot birds from the roof.” They were congratulated on the show of dedication by many and inspired many more to one day reach level 1000 themselves.
The Five States Herald 