Condor egg hunt ends years long friendship
By Jose Chavez
Two men who had been riding in a posse together for as long as either could remember are now avowed enemies. Despite years of hunting together, both animals and men, a dispute over a condor egg has turned them against each other. A reward was offered for a condor egg and the pair of men decided to work together. They searched the area around Gaptooth Ridge where the nesting condor was believed to live. The pair saw a happy ending when one of them spotted the egg through their binoculars. The cowpokes arrived at the egg but suddenly had a disagreement about how to spend the money.

“I wanted to buy hootch and get drunk,” said one of them, “but he wanted to buy supplies.” The disagreement was not terribly intense, but when a stranger arrived things changed. By the time the pair noticed the stranger, the stranger had grabbed the condor egg for themselves. “I was in disbelief, suddenly our argument over how to spend the money didn’t matter,” said one of the men. The stranger rode off without so much as a wave. With their victory pulled from them right under their noses, they had nothing left to do but reflect on their argument and agree the friendship had run its course. They split and went their own ways.

Fight over train cargo leaves several injured and two dead
By Jane Duran
A train carrying precious cargo was attacked by multiple gunslingers this week. In order to keep the value of the cargo a secret, it was transported on a normal passenger train with few guards. This layer of secrecy proved inefficient. The attack was launched as the train traveled through Ambarino. Though this location did reduce the number of lawmen coming after the outlaws, it also led to rough terrain for the outlaws. Passengers did their best to take cover in their seats as bullets flew past them.

According to witnesses, four outlaws took control of the train and fought off the other outlaws. The driver fled as soon as he could find a safe place to stop the train and flee. The outlaws managed to break into one of the train cars. They fled with several saddle bags draped over their horses and their own shoulders. The train company did not release any information about the cargo. At this moment, the only thing known about the cargo is that the car itself was being rented by Angelo Bronte. Bronte is a wealthy man who lives in Saint Denis and involved in several business ventures. It also means that whoever stole the cargo is likely in the target of a very powerful man.

Man scorns women with white hair who are not old and pays for it
By Odell Clifton
A woman with fair skin and white hair walked into the Blackwater Saloon this week and drew the ire of a strange character. A man folks call Mr. Emerald for unknown reasons, scolded the white haired woman. “You ain’t a grandma and you don’t look like one of those albinos,” Mr. Emerald said, “so, tell me, why is your damn hair white!?” The women looked at him for several moments as if thinking of what to say. Then, instead of saying anything at all, she punched him in the jaw. “That fella was postering all tough,” said a witness, “but one punch sent him to the ground.” Mr. Emerald eventually woke up. He stumbled outside and then, to his shock becamse accosted by several others.

“You ain’t a grandpa, why do you have white hair?” said one townsperson. “Your white hair don’t suit you!” said another. Mr. Emerald reached up and felt the paint in his hair. White paint had been poured over his head while he was knocked out. Mr. Emerald then ran away from the saloon with a face full of tears.

Returning trend leads to town-wide brawl
By Emery Cosberry
The town of Valentine was overtaken by a chaotic moment of violence this week, when a returning trend overwhelmed the patience of several cowpokes. Several folks were minding their own business in Smithfield’s Saloon, drinking and enjoying the day. A cowpoke broke the peace by walking in and asking folks to rate their outfit and judge them based on their appearance. Without warning, one of the folks drinking shouted, “not this again!” and then tackled the cowpoke. Several others then joined in and started beating up the cowpoke while shouting things like, “your outfit is asking for an ass kicking” “your outfit needs a bit of red” “god dammit don’t start this bullshit again!” Other cowpokes saw the beating and assumed the attackers were in the wrong and joined the fight, defending the beaten down cowpoke.

Pairs of fighters exited the saloon and ran into others, causing more fights. Soon, others joined the fight despite not knowing what the fight was about. The Valentine deputies were unable to control the violence as fights broke out all over the town. Eventually fatigue started to set in and fighters began swinging a bit less and much slower. One of the fighters managed to ask, “what are we even fighting about?” Someone answered, “that cowpoke over there asked us to rate their outfit.” That reignited the violence, but only against the cowpoke who started it all. The fight ended with the cowpoke asking for others’ opinions beaten and tossed out of town.

Saint Denis elite say the city has ‘gone to the horses’
By Emeline Vickroy
The Saint Denis Police Department received some of the strangest accusations this week. Several well off residents have said that the bustling city has entered a stage of decline. Where once modernization was bringing progress to Saint Denis, some say civilization is now declining. “These rich folks, well, they mean well but they often see insult where it isn’t,” said a Saint Denis policeman, “and they often think anything that insults them must be against the law.” Such was the case this week when several of Saint Denis wealthiest residents file police reports for the city ‘going to the horses.’ “I called the police, what else could I do?” said one resident, “I planned to have a whiskey at the Bastille, when I saw a horse being served at the bar. A horse!”

Owner of the Bastille Saloon, Elijah Howard, said that horses do wander into the saloon from time to time. “I’ve taken to keeping a few sugar cubes at the bar, toss them out to get the horse to leave,” said Mr. Howard, “it ain’t easy selling whisky at a dollar a glass when a horse is killing the ambiance.” But it is not just the saloon that horses are driving the wealthy crazy. They just want the horses gone. “I’ve learned to tolerate the… immigrants in this city,” said another Saint Denis resident, “but the horses? It really is time they go.” Among the complaints are the literally shitty roads, bad smells, problems for trolley drivers, and general fear that the horses may ‘go crazy’ and hurt people. The Saint Denis Police Department issued a statement saying that there is no law against horses in the city and so no action will be taken against horses. Wealthy residents are now petitioning the local government for an anti-horse ordinance.

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