Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Ships Theme Songs Still Popular???
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
Some time ago, we reported on that strange trend of companies paying musicians to write songs for products. It was quite a bizarre little trend for stores, vehicles, and even ships. With enough time removed, we can now see how some of these songs have fallen by the wayside, and how some are still popular.
Company and product songs, for the most part, have faded away; nobody is still humming songs for barbershops or general stores. But ships, ship songs still are around and continue to be written. On the Boat Westerland was noted to be a popular song written for the passenger liner of the same name; this song is still sung when the ship slides into port.
Not just are ship songs coming about, but ship poems are fairly common. A little ode to mark the launch of a ship or to be sung out when the ship unloads its cargo. Most are subpar quality, but a few feel like notable writers penned them.
All of these songs and poems are purely commercial, to sell more tickets and nothing else. They weren’t created for artistic intent, yet in a way, they have taken on an artistic purpose. Perhaps one day, a song about a ship will outsell Beethoven or Bach; that’ll certainly be the day.
Stalker shaken off at Jorge’s Gap
By Jose Chavez
It was a very busy night in the Tumbleweed Saloon when a man walked in full of adrenaline. He bought everyone a drink and told them the tale of a stalker. The traveler said they finished some business in Armadillo when they noticed a cowpoke following them. “I ain’t paranoid, so didn’t assume anything at first,” the traveler said, but they got close and followed me through every turn, even off the road!” The traveler had no choice but to fire a warning shot into the air and then a second, but neither shot deterred the stalker. “And so I devised a new plan,” the traveler said as they paused to take a drink and paused for dramatic effect, “so I changed course to a very specific location.” That location turned out to be Jorge’s Gap.
Jorge’s Gap is a natural formation in New Austin. Daring riders often attempt to jump the Gap and frequently fail. “To those who know, there is a place you can leap the Gap safely,” the traveler said, “and I was willing to wager that the guy following me didn’t.” The traveler picked up speed as they approached the Gap and without hesitation made the jump perfectly. “I landed on the other side and turned around,” the traveler said, “and they just stopped on the other side and stared at me, in amazement or frustration I cannot say.” The traveler bought another round of beers and promised to show off the Jorge’s Gap leap another day when they are sober.
Friendly fishing contest turns deadly
By Jane Duran
A man was brought into Annesburg hogtied by his friends. They took him to the sheriff’s office and said he committed murder at O’Creagh’s Run. The group was in the middle of a friendly fishing contest among friends when things got too competitive. “Our friend caught a big muskie,” said one of the group members, “but, before he could pull it up this asshole tackled him.” A fist fight quickly ensued until the attacker pulled out a pistol and shot the other man in the chest. The body of the victim was brought in as well. The town sheriff refused to make an arrest, however. “There didn’t seem to be evidence aside from what they were saying,” said Sheriff Jones, “and I ain’t gonna be used in some game among friends, dead body be damned.”
An arrest was made, however, when one of the friends pulled out a pistol and shot the accused murderer in the head while shouting, “I’ll have justice!” He dropped his pistol right after as several deputies aimed their weapons at him. He was quickly arrested. With several deputies as witnesses he will likely go to prison for murder and stay locked up for a long time.
Former bounty hunter accosted in Blackwater
By Odell Clifton
Retired bounty hunter Nathaniel Cross, also known as the Grey Cowboy, has confronted by a pair of drunks at the Blackwater Saloon. Mr. Cross stepped into the saloon alone just after sunset when a drunk man began staring at him. Witnesses say Mr. Cross ignored the drunk until he and his friend both walked up to Mr. Cross’ table. “You that grey bounty hunter, ain’t you,” one of the drunks said, “you don’t look so tough.” Then without warning, the drunk punched Mr. Cross in the face. Mr. Cross tumbled backwards but regained after grabbing a table. The second drunk charged at Mr. Cross but he ducked and delivered a single knock out strike to the attacker. The second drunk pulled out a knife but before they could use it, Mr. Cross tackled the man. Witnesses say it only took a couple of punches for the drunk to go unconscious.
Mr. Cross then bought a round of drinks for everyone there and gave the bartender extra cash for repairs. Mr. Cross is said to have continued drinking at the saloon for the rest of the night.
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French Wine Bottle Used as Deadly Weapon!!!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
French wine is a delicacy; it is to be aged over years and drunk very slowly. The people of France take such alcohol intensely seriously, to a degree most Americans might not fully grasp. Well, this week, a bottle of wine was used in a rather unorthodox way.
In Saint-Denis, a French shop owner named Henri Marceau received a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from a friend. The friend claimed it was meant to be broken during the launching of a French cruiser, but the bottle didn’t break, so it was tossed aside. The bottle cost only about 60 American dollars due to prior usage.
Late in the evening, some thieves broke into the shop and tried to steal from the cash register. Marceau got up and noticed the head thief standing next to the bottle of wine. Marceau then gave a speech about the bottle’s value, before grabbing it and hitting the man on the head. He fell over, and his gun went off, attracting the attention of the police and making the small gang run away.
Remarkably, the Cabernet Sauvignon did not shatter; it still remains in good condition. Marceau now wonders if he even intends to sell or drink the wine, or if the bottle can even be opened. Most Frenchmen would scoff at using a wine bottle like this, but I approve. I guess wine can save lives.
Valentine Vigilante saves a man
By Donna Deshner
The most violent town in the Five States saw violence once again, but this time, there was someone around to stop it. “I was being attacked by a feller,” said the would be victim, “when a bright light hit us, a lantern on a horse.” The light created more confusion for the victim, as they noticed something. “There was a shadow just behind the light,” explained a witness, “I was enjoying a cigar and minding my own business when I saw it.” The attacker pulled out a weapon but before they could put it to use, someone grabbed them from behind and broke their neck. The shadow then moved away with a whistle, leading to the lantern wearing horse to follow. The shadow crouched as they left the town.
“It all happened at night, so it was quite dark,” said another witness, “I could not make out the fella, but there is little doubt they saved a life that night.” Local deputies disposed of the body and took the victim’s report. But there was little else that could be done since the attacker was already dead.
University student receives tutoring in Saint Denis
By Emeline Vickroy
A student arrived in the Bastille Saloon with a unique quandary: they could not understand their chemistry homework. It was their good fortune, however, that a German chemist was in the saloon that same night. The pair took a table, ordered dinner and a bottle of whiskey, and went to work. Witnesses say they ate, drank, and said things like “entropy,” “calpeyron equation,” and “Gibbs energy.” The German man seemed delighted. “He seemed thrilled to be discussing chemistry,” said a witness, “he may have been just as pleased as his student.” As time went on, the pair continued to share drinks and equations. “Usually, they don’t start speaking gibberish until several drinks in,” said saloon owner Elijah Howard, “but the stuff they were saying right from the beginning was all nonsense to me, but they had money so I didn’t mind.”
The pair were reunited days later at the Bastille, where the student expressed further thanks and explained to a full saloon that they passed their chemistry test. The tutor bought a round of drinks for everyone to celebrate and offered lessons at the Bastille. “As long as he and his students buy drinks, I don’t mind,” said Mr. Howard.
New resident complains about weapon inaccuracy
By Adam Parvey
Despite fluctuating hope in the future of the Five States, new residents continue to arrive. New residents are frequently hostile, but when not hostile, they seem lost. One new resident wandered into Valentine complaining about their weapons. “I’ve used guns before, but only here, in the Five States, are they so inaccurate and weak!” the resident complained. The complaints started in the local saloon before the resident gained a bit of liquid courage and marched into the gunsmith’s store. There, they accused the gunsmith of selling bad products. The gunsmith laughed at the man before demanding that he leave and tossing him a cannister of gun oil. The man stood outside of the store looking at the gun oil and asked, “what is this?”
Passersby laughed, stunned by the question. The resident became increasingly frustrated. “I’ve shot guns before, but never in the five States, what is so different?” Finally, another cowpoke stopped, buried their laughter and explained the art of gun maintenance. The new resident seemed stunned that they had to clean their guns but was pleased to learn it was a simple task. “Well, it’s as easy as holding down a button!” the resident exclaimed as they cleaned their guns properly for the first time.
New national association founded by two salesmen
By Frederick Vannesse
John H. Nicholson and Samuel E. Hill are salesmen from Wisconsin were inspired to a new calling after sharing a hotel room together. Their calling was to unite travelling salesmen through evangelism. Noticing the lack of reading material in their room, the pair decided that providing Bibles for hotel rooms would be their primary task. As travelling salesmen, they realized they were perfect for evangelism, as they are already traveling across the nation and staying in hundreds of hotels over the course of a year. Once their efforts are in full swing, they anticipate nearly every hotel in the U.S. will have Bibles in every room for the bored traveler to read. They promise to complete this service without the need for payment. The pair named the association the Gideon Society.
Charles Tupper: oldest Canadian Prime Minister and shortest term holder, works to unify Conservatives
By Ivy Seager
Two years ago Charles Tupper became Prime Minster after Parliament was dissolved. He became the oldest elected Prime Minister but his time as office saw the Conservatives bitterly divided. Unable to bridge the gap between Conservative factions, the Liberals secured 55 percent of Parliament’s seats just months after Tupper was swore in as Prime Minister. Tupper refused to cede office. However, when Tupper’s appointments were ignored, he finally resigned after just 68 days in office. Mr. Tupper has continued working as a leader of the Conservatives, representing the Opposition in Parliament and says that Conservatives will retake Parliament in the next election. Indeed, Conservative membership has increased slightly, with Mr. Tupper’s support of the war in the Boers drawing a distinct divide between the Conservatives and the Liberals. Criticism of current Prime Minister Wilfred Lauier’s reluctance to commit to the war has reduced his support, something Mr. Tupper has been all to eager to take advantage of.
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