Issue CCCXLVI

Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.

Cargo Steamer Myra Captured!!!

By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)

Dear reader, I hope you are well.  Although my heart yearns to return to the Five States, my mood is clear, concise, and, above all, happy, for it appears that a higher power must have a wicked sense of humor.

In the middle of the night, the elusive cargo steamer Myra, the crown jewel in Mr. Hindley’s criminal empire, caught fire.  It appears to have been a simple engine fire, but it was enough to force the vessel to beach itself, in the sandy plains west of Saint-Denis.

It didn’t take long for local police to investigate the wreck.  The fire burned up much of the interior, revealing all sorts of contraband and illegal items, including alcohol and even firearms.

The crew is already under arrest, and I have been informed they may turn on the kingpin himself.  This is truly devastating news, made yet sweeter by the fact several investigating officers knew the ship because of my previous articles.

Hindley will undoubtedly be displeased by this development, but he might be unable to do much beyond thrash about like a stuck coyote.  If he were wise, he would give up his incursions into the Five States, but that’s just the opinion of a little lady who likes to report the news.

New Austin upstart gang brought down while fighting amongst themselves
By Jose Chavez
The New Austin Rangers have been keeping an eye on a small gang in New Austin. The posse has remained largely unknown by hiding in the shadow of the Del Lobo, according to the Rangers. Though small, the posse was made up of talented gunslingers. “Every time we approached, we took casualties,” said a Ranger, “they were always able to kill at least two of our squad and force a retreat.” A pair of Rangers tasked with monitoring the posse noticed a fight break out and seized the opportunity.

While the outlaw posse began shooting each other, the two Rangers opened fire themselves. According to the Rangers the gunfight did not last long. Before they fired a shot they saw at least two of the gang members get shot be one of their fellows. The end of the posse was celebrated by the Rangers, a victory the law enforcement agency needed.

Ambusher picks the wrong target
By Jane Duran
With the Executioner believed to have been captured but with no conviction, the Ambarino Rangers are still in force but without much to do. Special Agent Rice Philips is confident that Emmaline W. Haven is the Executioner, though she has so far remained completely silent while under arrest. Agent Philips was confident in the past though, only to learn that his arrestee was innocent. The Ambarino Rangers will remain well staffed with support from other agencies.

To justify the continued use of the enhanced force, the Rangers have continued their increased patrols. An outlaw gang did not get the memo. A pair of Rangers were ambushed by a gunman and several outlaws. What they did not know was that another pair of Rangers was not far behind. “They were pretty shocked when our partners fired and killed two of ’em right from the go,” said one of the Rangers, “we killed two more in the confusion while the others ran.” The Rangers hunted down the ambushers, killing all but one who gave up.

Former outlaw scoffs at woman asking “what crime did I do?”
By Odell Clifton
The Five States has not seen much change or support from the powers that be. Folks who love the area but have gotten bored have started trends that have mostly been poorly received. Many ask others to rate their outfits or or make assumptions about their character qualities. This new trend is exactly the same as the old trend with different words. Residents have taken to asking others to guess what crimes they have committed based on their appearance. One such cowpoke walked into the Blackwater Saloon and asked the patrons that very question. A former outlaw laughed loudly and scoffed at the cowpoke.

“You ain’t done nothing wrong, maybe walked on the wrong side of the road,” the man roared and laughed, “you look like you try too damn hard.” The rest of the saloon laughed along and the cowpoke turned flush in the face and fled. Witnesses say that the laughter continued for a long time after the man left.


Need a wagon? Of course you do! And you don’t want a poorly crafted wagon, right? Of course not! So come see me, Wallace, and buy a finely crafted wagon and bet my bear Spot!

Crime wave in New Hanover brought to heel
By Emery Cosberry
New Hanover authorities offered gold nuggets to bounty hunters willing to captured two men wanted by the state. Several bounty hunters answered the call. At one point, the Valentine sheriff station had more prisoners then it could house comfortably. Many of the prisoners complained about the cramped conditions but Sheriff Curtis Malloy ignored them. “I suppose I wouldn’t want to be in their position myself,” Sheriff Malloy said, “but then again, I don’t do things that lead to me being an outlaws either.” A telegram was sent out to state authorities and several prison wagons were sent to Valentine in response.

The wagons were highly guarded. Each wagon was as cramped as the prison they were being taken from. At least 6 wagons departed from Valentine full of prisoners. Annesburg also saw a an increase in bounties brought in too, but did not need to bring in extra prison wagons. However, they did send a few prisoners to Sisika by boat. New Hanover authorities hope this will lead to a lasting drop in crime.

Tailor criticized for false advertisement
By Aloysius Levron
Charles De Coursey, who has run a tailor ship in Saint Denis for several years, offered a deal this past Monday that had a line out of his door. Saint Denis residents watched jealously as out of state travelers flocked to Mr. Coursey’s shop for a deal that turned to be too good to be true. Mr. Coursey offered three outfits for the price of one for out of state customers only. Customers lined up to get fitted for their outfits with the plan to walk out with brand new clothing. The catch was that the customers had to first pay for all three fittings, but at a massive discount. At least, that was the catch that you could see.

Customers paid for their fittings, selected their outfits and waited to pay for their items only to be told it was a joke. “The 1st of April sale, or the April Fools’ sale, is just that, an April Fools’ joke,” Mr. Coursey said, “so the suits are full price, but they are custom fit at a steep discount!” The customers were irate, not willing to pay for the three outfits they had fitted. “April Fools’ my ass!” yelled one customer, “we were promised a deal! I’ll never come back here!” Mr. Coursey shrugged and simply begin restocking items without refunding the fees for the fittings. The customers, all from out of state, vowed to never return. Locals that frequent the high end tailor shop found the joke amusing.

Season change sends some indoors

By Nick McCrary

The coming of the Spring season seems to have brought down the toughest of cowpokes. Bounty hunters who have brought in the toughest of outlaws, hunters who have tracked and killed the deadliest of predators, freelancers who have braved enemy gunslingers to deliver the mail. All brought down by an unseen enemy. An enemy of such power that few can stand against it. That enemy? Allergies. The Spring season has brought back the invisible pest that leads to endless sneezing. As a result, these hardened cowpokes have chosen to stay indoors where the pesky allergens cannot get to them.

“I for one, am enjoying the the Spring weather,” said one cowpoke, “you see, the weather don’t bother me at all so if others can’t hunt well, more deer for me. Many cowpokes have taken to wearing masks to protect them from allergens with some success. “I don’t do well this time of year, just a sniff of, I don’t know, dust or the scent of flowers or…” one cowpoke said before quickly walking away in a sneezing fit. Doctors have said there is little relief for the affected, but masks and good hygiene may be enough to mitigate most of the symptoms.

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