Mission Statement:
To endeavor to bring to all residents of the Five States the most current and important news from across the entire Five States region. Never yellow, the Five States Herald vows to serve only the people of the Five States, from New Austin to Lemoyne, free of charge now and forever.
Five States to Receive Official Record!
By Sofia Kathleen Fairfax (Lead Correspondent)
With the work of Hindley now firmly behind us, the world shall slowly return to normal, all but in one aspect. A company that’s in the early stages of construction has reached out and expects to put out a recording of a song dedicated to our fine region.
The company is expected to take the name Victor Talking Machine, and will preside over the evolving recording industry.
Most music is of opera and classy fare, with some hillbilly records in between, and even a few comedic records. What Victor is proposing is different: a state anthem of sorts, or in our case, a regional anthem.
It has no title, no details on who shall perform it, and no firm release date. Yet, I feel I speak for the many citizens of the Five States when I say, it’s about time. This part of the United States has been mocked and dragged for years, occasionally fair, usually cruelly. We are every bit as American as New York to California, and this record will, for some, legitimize us. No longer will we be the cattle hoarders and the violent outlaws of America; we shall be seen as merely, America.
Giant spider in New Austin?
By Jose Chavez
A man was found completely wrapped up in spiderwebs this week, alarming people in New Austin. Spider experts say it is very unlikely that a man could be covered so completely by even the largest spiders that we know of. “This body suggests a massive spider,” said one expert, “something at least the size of those new motor vehicles.” The many was dead, with suffocation determined to be the cause of his death. A cowpoke tried rounding up a posse to search for the beast but had a difficult time getting others brave enough for the hunt. The few brave souls who took on the task were unable to locate the spider. “I think it’s a prank, to be frank,” said one of the hunters, “lots of signs of a spider but no spider, seems set up.” Experts suggests the spider could live deep within a cave network, hiding far from man’s reach. There was no definitive evidence that the spider was real or that it was all setup. The dead body that was found was all too real but has yet to be identified.
Man brought in for murder after killing ambush survivor
By Jane Duran
A cowpoke survived an ambush only to be killed be a fellow traveler. A man was fishing at O’Creagh’s Run and witnessed the ambush. “I hid behind a rock once the shooting started,” the witness said, “I couldn’t help, not being a good shot but that fella didn’t need it.” The witness said the ambushed cowpoke managed to fight the attackers off. He poked his head out once the shooting stopped only to see another traveler racing toward the scene. “I figured they were looking to help but it was all over,” the witness said. However, the newcomer started yelling at the ambushe cowpoke. “I couldn’t hear him perfectly,” the witness said, “but I am quite sure he said something like, ‘that was my ambush and you stole it!’ which made no sense to me.” The newcomer then took out his side arm and shot the ambush survivor dead. The witness reported what he saw in Annesburg when he saw the killer later that same day in the town. The killer admitted to the murder and was arrested.
Bison stampede leaves campers dead
By Odell Clifton
A group of campers were killed when a night hunter spooked a herd of bison. The hunter said they had carefully approached the heard but when they shot and killed one, the rest of the herd ran off. “I didn’t realize their was a camp there,” the hunter said, “nor did I follow the herd after I got my bison.” After skinning and collecting the animal’s raw materials, the hunter headed toward Blackwater when they came across the camp. They described it as completely destroyed. “I noticed the tents, completely trampled and food and debris everywhere,” the hunter said, “that’s when I noticed the dead bodies…” The hunter reported what he saw in Blackwater. The scene was cleaned up and the bodies taken to be laid to rest. Though the hunter mentioned the bison herd and his hunt spooking them, he was not arrested. “This feller had the misfortunate of causing the death of three people,” a Blackwater Policeman said, “but his action, hunting bison, ain’t illegal so it’s not like he directly committed murder.” The names of the deceased are being kept out of the press until their next of kin are notified.
Shoot out over unlikely reason leaves three people dead
By Emery Cosberry
Shoot outs occur rather frequently in Valentine and for a variety of reasons. Sometimes one fellow looks at another fellow for just a moment too long. Other times one person just had too much to drink. Often its a business deal gone wrong or an unexpected reunion of enemies. This week a shootout left three dead after an altercation over a campfire. In Valentine, two campfires can be found across the road from the butcher. Folks use these fires throughout the day to cook food and the community works together to keep the fires lit. This week three cowpokes could not figure out how to use two campfires peacefully. The argument got heated and one of the three pulled out a gun. Witnesses say that the other two men tackled the one who pulled out a gun. Then those two men also pulled out their guns. The three then ran away while blindly firing their guns at each other. Deputies quickly arrived and joined the firefight, killing all three of the participants. The unidentified men had their bodies hauled out of Valentine and tossed out of the town limits. “Let the scavengers have them,” said Sheriff Curtis Malloy.
Horse accessories become hot seller
By Aloysius Levron
With word finally spreading that the stables are once again safe, with the ear infesting bug now eradicated, horse accessories are in high demand. Residents of the Five States have been eager to return to the stables to spoil their horses. “First thing I noticed was saddles just selling faster than we could keep ’em stocked,” said one stable hand in Saint Denis, “then we started selling several masks, and saddlebags too.” Saint Denis itself became a vibrant place, with residents riding horses around with brightly dyed tails and manes in braids and other styles. The Saint Denis stables has nearly run out of stable space as several residents are also buying new horses along with space to store their old horses. “Business is booming and that is great,” said the stable owner, “but we need to adjust to this demand and that takes time.”
While all stables in the Five States have seen an increase in business, Saint Denis has been the most impacted. The city has the largest population in the region and serves both travelers in the area, international travelers coming through the city, and the city’s residents. The stable’s owner is looking for expansion opportunities, though there is not much area available in the surrounding area.
The American Tobacco Company seeks to limit Indian tobacco planting and harvesting
By Frederick Vannesse
The American Tobacco Company, a large company that formed through a merger of several smaller companies, is seeking to make Indian tobacco a protected plant. The Five States has an abundance of Indian tobacco across the region, with multiple states being perfect environments for the plan to grow. Several residents in the region collect their own tobacco and roll their own cigarettes as well as make various tonics using the herb. The American Tobacco Company stated in a press release, “we have a great concern that these various homemade products will not align with the consistent quality of our products and as a result, frame tobacco consumption as a wildly inconsistent experience.” The press release goes on to state that they are working with Congress to protect the plant not only for its own sake but to ensure the quality of all tobacco products remains consistent.
Specifically, the American Tobacco Company is asking for two things. First, they want there to be a limit on personal growth of Indian tobacco. They say this will ensure a consistent quality that people can rely on by having one, proven method of growing and nurturing Indian tobacco. Second, the American Tobacco Company wants to criminalize the picking of wild Indian tobacco. “Wild Indian tobacco may seem convenient to travelers and those that live on the land, but its quality is not consistent and consumption of it waters down the consistent experience we are trying to build with the American Tobacco Company,” the press released stated. Five States residents have laughed at the proposal. “Folks here steal and fight and even murder, all against the law, and they think banning use of wild tobacco is gonna stop us?” one man laughed, “let them try.”
No Congressional representatives for the Five States returned our request for comment. An examination of the Congressional record reveals that there is no plan for addressing this request in the near future.
The Five States Herald 